[JulesInColorado]

Ok, I've been thinking about posting for a couple of days. This last week has been the week from h*ll. Long story.

For those of you who know me in real life you are probably not aware of our situation, mainly cause I have not had time to talk.

Ok, here is the situation (just looking for support). We are in foster/adopt program with our agency. We got a call for two girls ages 32 months (little over 2.5yrs) and 3yrs. (4 in January). The girls are the two youngest of a sib group of 5. We went to a presentation, this is the best one of them all, went smoothly. We got a chance to speak to fmom who had girls and all. We felt confident and so we told county and told our agency worker that we would go ahead with the placement.

Foster mom had given her 30 days notice due to personal things going on so she was anxious to get the girls placed with us. We requested a visit a couple days before placement and at first she said yes and next day she called and said she was up sick all night and cancelled, then called 3 more times to keep cancelling.

Ok, so next thing was last Thursday was the placement day. The fmom shows up dumps off kids, the county worker is trying to write up paperwork in a busy parking lot and I am sitting here trying to keep 2 and 3yr. old out of harms way, my DH finally says "can we go inside and do this?" so then we get to sit in busy lobby while everyone stares at us. Ok, so then she finishes paperwork, we load kids in our car and take off.

Our agency worker told us to get girls something from us like a teddy bear to give to them etc. So we got them teddy bears.

Ok, so without going into graphic detail - immediately, when we left to go home we knew without a doubt that there was s*xual abuse. Also, coming from the 4 yr. old very bad language toward her younger sister and animalistic behavior. We were in rush hour traffic and TOTALLY stressed. We have been warned that most kids girls and boys will have been s*xually abused but nothing can really prepare you for the "behaviors" that come with it.

The sibling group was 3 girls, 2 boys. Boys in different home, older girl from a different father accused father of other children of indecent behavior with her. We were told that the two youngest we in play therapy and none of these behaviors came out but that there 3rd foster mom had said she saw them, so that's why they had put them in therapy.

Within 5 minutes of getting the girls it was apparent to us that there is NO WAY that they could not have known and we felt a bit jaded. It made us wonder if fmom cancelled visit on purpose (can't be certain) and if this was downplayed (can't be certain either).

I just knew that this situation was not going to work out for us, I did not sleep a wink Thursday night and was just sick to my stomach. The next morning I called the county worker, I had left her a message. I forgot that last weekend was a holiday weekend. Well, needless to say there was NO way to get a hold of her. Ok, so I call our agency worker. **Background on our agency worker is her way or highway, also promotes "unconditional love" meaning we don't get to visit with or see pics of children before making decision (not sure if this is agency thing or her thing). Anyway, I told her that I was very overwhelmed, that I felt that there was no way that county could not have known, I asked for girls to be placed elsewhere that day. Ok, so my agency worker (mind you we paid them) says "I can't believe you are doing this," you are "reprehensable" and you realize that this means we can not EVER place a child with you again? I had a feeling she would say that but I didn't care at that point. You name it, she said everything/anything to make me feel horrible!

Ok, so now even if she had not threatened that we have chosen not to do business with our agency any longer. My point in telling this story is to #1 find out if I am the only one who felt lied to, rushed in the parking lot, and who got a tongue lashing from agency?

Where do we go from here? I am worried that she might do something to change our homestudy...but not sure if she can? We just feel like we are starting from square one and are so frustrated. We have been waiting for over a year (initially in infant program), in foster/adopt for about 6 months.

We could go to another agency and do foster/adopt but now I am truly afraid to try this route again. I know that there might be a match out there for us but my fear is that this will happen again.

**If you have negative comments, please keep them to yourself, coming here for support not judgement.

[flowergoddess]

Oh Jules. I"m so sorry this has happened to you. I've never been involved in foster except for one instance and I felt the same way you are right now.

In our situation, the SW told us about an 8 yo girl. We got her one weekend and it went well. Her FM called one night to check on her and was raving about her. However, she also told me that she had one adopted son and was in the process of adopting a sib group of 3, but didn't want to adopt this girl, B. I found this strange since B had been with her 2 years. Then, on the Mon after the visit, SW calls and wants us to adopt her. Not foster to adopt, just outright adopt her. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that and she said, "well, just start the adoption process and you can stop if if you want to." I told her I definately didn't think that was healthy for the child, so we let her go. About 3 months later, I was talking to a friend of mine who did respite for the same agency and she knew B. She told me that B had a horrible background with sexual abuse and was acting out on the other children in foster mom's home. She said that another couple had started to adopt her, but had to also terminate because she was molesting their 4 yo.

That said, I'm thankful I trusted my heart. I feel so sorry for that child, but she was beyond what we could handle. I believe that God will send you the child/children that he desires for you to have.

Keep your chin up and try not to feel guilty.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[crick]

Jules...doesn't sound like you had a very good agency working on your behalf. At all! There is absolutely no way that a placement should have happened like this! It's not good for you and it's certainly not good for the children. How the heck were the girls supposed to be prepared at all for such a huge transition?? My God!

I understand the fm needed to leave due to personal reasons and I'm sure they didn't want to do 2 transitions for the girls (one to another foster home and then another to your home) but this quick of a placement is just horrible. At the very least, the sw should have had a visit with you and the girls regardless if the fmom could make it or not.

If the girls were in play therapy, then I would have assumed they had a necessary reason to be in there. So yes...someone knew or suspected of the abuse. If this wasn't presented to you as a possibility by the social worker, your agency worker should have picked up on it.

I'm sorry this worked out this way, and while I do see several red flags of possible outcomes from your post, I also know that your agency should have been acting on your behalf and it just doesn't sound like they were.

If you are comfortable, please pm me and I can tell you a bit about our situation. We had a foster care adoption and our agency was absolutely the best!! Please do take a break or whatever, but when emotions calm down a bit, I do hope this doesn't turn you off forever on adopting a waiting child.

Crick

[Happy123]

I had very similar experiences with our agency. It got so bad that I gave notice and went with our county. The help I found there was so much better.
My agency worker never had a nice thing to say. She was very critical of our parenting even when she knew we were following therapist direction with a difficult child.
I got tired of never hearing a suggestion since that is what they are paid to give.
When the child would tell her something she would automatically side with the child never hearing the whole story. She would even side with the child when it came to the teacher to.
Finally I told her that she never had a suggestion to give, was always critical, and never supportive. Plus, she never has had a child, let alone a foster child, so she could not even relate.
The county I worked with is wonderful and I have always had positive experiences with them.

[JulesInColorado]

Lori - thanks for the kind words. I bet you are SO glad that you did trust your heart. You know it's funny because like I said this was the best meeting of all the presentations, so much so that my husband and I thought something was amiss... well, I guess we should have listened to our gut.

I re-read my post, I had a point about the teddy bears. So what happened with the teddy bears is that the older girl started testing us and "acting out" with them while in her car seat. I was a deer in head lights, I was sad and mortified at the same time, like I said without going into to details it was really shocking what she was capable of. I learned something about myself...when faced with this, I knew that I did not have the personality to deal with it or see her thru it. I also knew it was not her fault but just could get past the behaviors which made me not want to be around her. My husband was really wonderful through all this, he interacted with the girls while I was a total stress ball - we have always offset each other but in this case, he was really my rock.

I have a 4yr. old niece who I just adore. I could not help but compare the two, it's just sad really. Lori, what you mentioned was my fear, that she would act out with my niece because we would truly be spending a lot of time around them, I could not live with that.

Crick - our agency worker did mention that she did not agree with the "lax" attitude of the county worker and the fmom but she had not suggested a visit until it was too late. The county worker and fmom said "one fell swoop" was best. The girls did not react much, the little one cried a bit and then was easily distracted. I know that "attachment disorder" goes both ways and I definitely think these girls were non-discriminative with who they would go with. I agree about what you said about play therapy, the county worker quickly read through the results. Then to make us feel comfortable even said the therapist would be willing to see them during the transition to another therapist (we did not live by the one they were going to). My personal feeling is that the older sister who was in a placement with them was probably acting out with them. They said that she was nice to them when adults were looking but mean when she didn't think they were looking. You are right about our agency not acting on our behalf. Looking back on it, I was thinking "were was the support that were told we would get?" Instead we were criticized. At one point we were even told that we would have to keep the girls until Monday, I told our agency worker "no, that is not acceptable" and that I found it very hard to believe that just because it was a "holiday" weekend that no one was on call at the county... unbelievable. After I said that, our agency worker folded and magically got a hold of someone at the county (what a surprise!)

Crick - also, thanks, I will PM you.

Happy123 - that so weird that your situation is opposite of most (meaning county was better in your situation). I really have mixed emotions. I know we wont be using our agency anymore. Our agency worker did have knowledge it was her personality and attitude that turned us off right from the beginning (again probably should have listened to the gut feeling). At the meeting with the county worker and issue came up about us being able to do mandatory meetings with the bio mom on Mondays at 5:00 - my husband and I are not home until 6:00 those days and just couldn't do it. Our agency worker had suggested the county provide a person who would come pick up children and take them to appointments (I forget what they are called) but county worker was not going to suggest it. It's little stuff like that that makes me wonder which is better? Honestly, if we do attempt it again - attitude is #1 on my list.

Thanks all for empathizing with me. Really, it was one of the worst experiences ever. I didn't have any expectations and I knew that children would not be perfect... but I was really bummed. The week before we had turned down two boys, so I was excited that we got a call for these girls. I had to take a day off both weeks unexpectedly and boss was good about it. Then when we decided to go forward with placement both my husband and I were going to take about 4 weeks off at a moments notice, our bosses were great. All of the "arrangements" definitely came with stress though, lots of work and coordination. I guess I was disapointed because I thought that we were on the path to parenthood finally. We are young, but man, this is exhausting. First infertility, now this road... ladies I am sure I am not alone when I say this but I know that I want to be a mother and I am amazed sometimes that I keep moving forward to reach that goal that never seems to be in sight.

[tybeemarie]

Jules,

I am so sorry you had this experience. You did absolutely the right thing. Dealing with sexual abuse and sexual reactivity issues is VERY draining and difficult and DEFINITELY not for everyone! It is outrageous how you were treated by your agency. The worker's idea of unconditional love is very warped. Would she agree to an arranged marriage in which she saw no photograph and did not meet her husband before making that commitment? Oh, and the marriage would not be arranged by parents or elders or people who knew and cared about her, but by, oh, say, the Department of Human Services? This worker should do some long term respite and THEN talk about this unconditional love garbage! Nancy Thomas's book's title says it all: When Love is Not Enough.

Our kids definitely have far more serious problems than what we were told while visiting. No one was trying to delude us, really, it was more a case of no one doing appropriate assessments or even getting to really know the kids. We turned down some referrals because we could tell we were not getting the whole story, and from what we could see, there would be very, very serious issues afoot.

This is a hard path, and it's not for everybody. Some people do have positive experiences, and you can read their posts on these boards. But there are definitely those who have suffered mightily, too. If you decide this isn't for you, that is perfectly fine, and don't let some judgmental, clueless social worker who has never lived with an emotionally disturbed child tell you otherwise. If you decide that this rocky path is the one that is meant for you, know that you will get support from your fellow travelers here on the boards.

[flowergoddess]

Jules,

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart is breaking for you. Luckily for us, we already had our adopted daugher when we were introduced to this little girl. And when it was all said and done, I thought, "thank you Lord....she could have hurt my baby." I couldn't have lived with the thought of putting my child in harms way. I know I would have grown to love B equally, but that feeling was there that just wasn't right.

It's so hard when you want to be a mother so deparately. I remember feeling like I'd take any situation, so long as I could be a mother. God has something better planned for you though. We had an adoption that fell through before dd was born. I kept questioning God and greiving. A year later, I found out that the child we didn't get had major mental problems, that I, personally, would have had a hard time adjusting to. Then just 8 months later, I had my perfect daughter in my arms....perfect situation....perfect birthmother. Hindsight is definately 20/20.

It'll happen.

Contact me anytime.

[JulesInColorado]

Lori - you are right, I keep thinking that maybe this happened for a reason, this is definitely a time where I have to keep thinking "chin up"...


Tybeemarie - agreed, I have seen both extremes on these boards good and bad stories. That's a very good analogy... Well, she thinks she is an expert because she has adopted 5 "waiting children" they were all older, a few with sexual abuse. One is now in a group home, they signed him over to the state but she still considers herself his mother. Oh and I forgot to mention the best part, I am a non-confrontational person - when she was verbally abusing me on the phone I said "don't talk to me like a child" and she said "well, you are behaving like one" OMG, can you believe the nerve of this woman! I said, "correction, no I am not acting like a child, I am adult who is telling you she is overwhelmed!!"

Thanks ladies, truly, it's nice to know others will talk to you without "judging" - if you notice I put it took a couple days for me to post...

[Momofonema]

Jules,

Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart went out to you. My husband and I are looking to adopt through the foster care system and are getting nervous that there are no children out there that we can successfully parent. We too have a social worker that passes judgement on our criteria. This is despite the fact that we are open to all races, boy/girl, just reasonably healthy, not FAS and under three, siblings welcome. She says it will take "years" unless we reduce our expectations. I had feared that we might find ourselves in a similar situation as yourself. I just wanted to wish you luck and let you know that there are others out there that are being judged - and it doesn't feel good.

Blessings to you,

[meowylyn]

Jules,

My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. Although we did not have a failed foster placement, we went through one failed adoptive placement. The child lived in our home for 9 weeks but he was just too much for us to handle. We were in fear for our lives towards the end of the placement. It was the toughest decision of our adult lives, but we had to let go. I have never experienced such grief, ever.

After the failed placement, we had a difficult time with family members (one actually said, "How could you do that? That poor child will never be the same!") and co-workers who just didn't understand that we could not meet the needs of this child.

I was convinced that we would be blacklisted forever! The agency we had been dealing with provided NO support whatsoever to us after the failed placement.

I am pleased to say that several months later, we had another placement that ultimately worked out (through a different agency). We finalized the adoption in September.

The right match will come along. Please do not beat yourself up over this. There are children out there for you.

I found comfort in some cd's available from adoption tapes.

In particular, I liked the one entitled "What about Me? Helping Parents after Disruption".

Hope this helps in some way.

Marilyn

[KansasMom]

We too had a failure just last month attempting to adopt throught the state foster care system. We were a week away from signing the placement agreement on a 9 year old girl when we made the heartbreaking decision that to move forward would jeopardize our family.

We had no help, no support in the process from anyone in the system even though looking back our case fairly screamed for help. It didn't help that the state case manager laughed at us when we called a meeting to inform them of our decision. We have heard from no one since then, and our social worker made it clear we were probably blacklisted.

Now we see why, even though it is costly, so many people adopt internationally.

[JulesInColorado]

Sharon and Marilyn thanks for your replies.

Sharon - I can't believe they laughed at you for calling a meeting. But you know in our situation they did a "hand off" in the parking lot (literally) and they think that WE did harm by keeping them for one day - RIGHT! When I think of the nerve... it's unbelievable.

You know, I am still in shock that our agency social worker was just so "final" about it. It's funny how when you are paying money and doing everything "their" way how things go smoothly but the minute you do what is right for your family you can't be trusted again and get zero support. I asked our agency social worker SEVERAL times "what if it doesn't work out?" She would never give a straight answer - but if she had EVER once said if you change your mind you don't get a second try with us, um I am positive I would have gone with another agency.

The first presentation we went to we were in an old victorian house (social services) and they had just painted the inside, it was summer and hot and they couldn't open windows on second level. My husband is a police officer so he was tired from work, the lack of cool air and paint fumes were getting to him. Our agency worker told us the county workers said they would never place a child with us because my husband was "unresponsive." Can you believe it? I was totally dumbfounded because we thought the presentation went well, although we decided not to take the placement. Then I asked "is there anything we can do to change their minds?" Well, our agency worker said, yes, you can have your husband call and sort of apologize... RIGHT... my husband wouldn't do that, he doesn't think there is any reason why they should have judged us like that and doesn't want to deal with people like that. It's a wonder why there are so many kids that suffer in the system.

With the situation where we had the girls removed, I was so digusted that I let our agency handle the loose ends and never called the county worker back - I am sure we are blacklisted there too.

We are a young couple and we have a lot to offer - I just can't believe that we've had to deal with all this crap, especially after enduring infertiity, it just really sucks. Our friends and family want to help but they don't know how, really there is nothing that they can do except keep their ears open.

Marilyn - thanks, I have thought about contacting another agency. I actually contacted a person who does homestudies only, I had contacted her before we hired our current agency. I looked to her for advice on this situation. She said we could switch to her agency but CO laws have changed since July when our homestudy was approved so we could not transfer our homestudy we have to do it ALL over again plus pay her... we really don't have the money to do that not to mention don't want to do it all over again since we JUST did it over the summer. I really feel stuck right now. I have not called other agencies, mainly because I feel fragile still. We are not sure that we can try foster/adopt again because of the risk of ending up with a failed placement again and also being blacklisted from a couple of counties for no good reason (truly).

[DianeScraps]

While we didn't disrupt, the county hid MAJOR info from us during the placement. Like ODD, Anxiety Disorder, Outpatient Day Treatment programs, multiple abusers, etc etc etc. In fact the referral says 'Easy going, well mannered beautiful little girl' easy going and ODD, at least in my mind, don't go hand in hand.

As we go on we have found that the social workers have failed to report to the authorities the abuse, and even now that they have been 'called on the table' about it I have a strong feeling they still havne't done a thing.

Luckily we are looking at a pretty darn good chance of TPR very very soon. Cause our foster care license will expire in June and I don't want it renewed, might even have a 'burning ceremony' The foster parents who can deal with this system for extended periods deserve the highest of praise, in my opinion.

Diane

[JulesInColorado]

Diane - crack me up with the "burning ceremony" comment, too funny! Um, YEA I would say there was some info. that was not disclosed to you. They made our girls seem so easy going, not really "effected" by stuff etc. After we got out of presentation, we thought "wow, that went well" we should have suspected something at that point (i.e. too good to be true). Not joking and probably repeating myself here, but literally 5 minutes into car ride we KNEW that without a doubt there was lack of disclosure. I guess you could call what we decided to do a "disruption" but we did it with the best intentions, meaning we didn't want bonding/attachment to start. Honestly, I feel disheartened about the "process" of the foster system right now. I told my husband I am not sure if I have the courage to go there again and not sure if we are blacklisted either... who knows... it's just really frustrating sometimes!

[meowylyn]

Jules,

Knowlege is power. I can't believe that CO would be so difficult. Try this site to get some general information/names & numbers:

http://www.childwelfare.com/Colorado...0Directory.htm

The state should be willing to work with you if you are adopting out of the foster care system. Our costs here in FL were minimal, it was just more of the time and effort that was the real drain....and the fact that you really have to find the child yourself. The agencies here don't do much for you...They just say "watch the photolistings". Yes, but those children are either going to be adopted by their current foster parents, or they have been through many failed placements already.

Hang in there. If you need to go to another state, by all means do. Establish a rapport with some individual workers, keep on them. Does CO have guardian ad litems? They are another good resource to keep in touch with.

Best of luck to you. It can work out.