[KelleyF]

I have been fostering 2 little boys, ages 3 and 4 for a year now. I just found out they will be terminating parent rights and they will be moving to a pre-adoptive home next week. We were asked if we wanted to adopt but we declined because of many issues we have encounted with the birth family. We love these boys very much but can't keep them. They have bonded with our family very well and it has been wonderful to have them. Now we have to tell them they will be leaving, which will be very difficult...but I don't know what to tell them when they ask why they can't stay. I can't tell the truth(their birth family is insane and won't leave us alone). Any suggestions?

[Howdy]

I don't know how they did it, but one of my coworkers was in a foster home from infancy to 5 yrs, then he was adopted by a different family. He doesn't know what his foster family told him but he said he must have been very well prepared because he was happy to be adopted. His adoptive parents allowed him to continue contact with his foster parents, he said he was very grateful for that. And he said that his foster family told him (I assume when he was older but maybe not) that if no family had been found for him they would have adopted him.

I'm editing this to mention a book, it is A Child's Journey Through Placement by Vera Fahlberg. Chapter 4 is 'Minimizing the Trama of Moves' and Section V of chapter 4 is about Moving a Child to Adoption. It discusses the important 'tasks' that must be accomplished when moving children from foster homes to adoptive homes. It has separate sections for infant/toddler children and children over 3 yrs old (tho it says that is an arbitrary breakpoint and that the child's verbalization skills is the dividing line to use).

It is way too long for me to quote, but from glancing through the section one item that stands out is that the child needs to be in the sad or mad phases of grief about the move at the time the move occurs. I guess that means they have to be beyond denial and bargaining.

[ajjhmf]

My son with with the same foster home from 6 weeks old to 4yo. They love him immensely, but choose not to adopt him for a variety of reasons. They prepared him very well and for that we are all very grateful.

He never called them mommy or daddy since they always knew his time there was temporary. They were his foster parents. They explained their roll to him once he was getting old enough to understand and we reinforced it once he came home to us. They were there to take care of him because his birth family couldn't. Once the judge decided he needed a forever mommy and daddy, then they needed to get him ready for them.

Once TPR occurred, they started preparing him for his forever mommy and daddy coming. Once we were choosen and decided to move forward with the placement, we were simply mommy and daddy.

He knows they love him and will always love him. They kept pictures and documented his early life for him.

They never let him see them sad he was leaving. He only saw their joy that he was "going home." This made it much easier for him to come with us because he wasn't worried about them. I, however, know how hard his departure was for them and am eternally grateful for how they handled it.

They also never told him why. Not the real reasons. Not while he's so little. He isn't going to understand an adults reasons for this. Everything was done in kids terms for a kids understanding. In J's case, moving to his adoptive home was just a fact of life. Like the next step in a dance. They never acted like he was staying forever since they knew he wasn't.

All that being said, J did still experience loss from the move. It is unavoidable, but the preparation they did helped make his transition as smooth as possible.

I hope some of this gives you some ideas for your guys.

Blessings,
Jenny

[KelleyF]

They do call us Mommy and Daddy. We were planning on adopting if TPR went through, althought we never told the kids that. However, the birth family has been very invasive in our lives so we changed our minds. They live too close. They are moving to a pre-adoptive home but I can't talk about adoption because the birth aunt is trying to get them. It is very unlikely the aunt will get them since the judge ordered them to be moved to non-relative care, even thought the aunt's attorney was in court at the time. So...we can't talk about adoption to the boys yet.

[Howdy]

The Child's Journey Through Foster Care book (tho it is only one book so may be totally wrong) says "It is particularly important at the time of the move for the child to know that the foster family cared about him. Letting the child know he was loved teaches him that relationships are important. [Then they have the little case study paragraph as follows:] Conrad is a particularly outgoing five year old. His interim care parent, who has been fostering for over twenty years, indicates she is going to really miss Conrad. Ms Duncan, the caseworker, asked the foster parent if she thought that she would cry when Conrad left. Foster mom said, "Heavens no! I never cry in front of the children." Later Ms. Duncan, talking to Conrad, asked "How do you think Grandma (Conrad's term for his foster mom) will feel when you move?" His reply, "I hope she will be sad (obviously reflecting the feelings he himself would have.) I wonder if she'll go behind the door and cry like she did when Suzie left." Suzie, another foster child, had returned to her birth parents several months previously. When Ms. Duncan told the foster mother of Conrad's comment, the latter said, "I don't know if I could possibly cry in front of him. I've never done that." Ms. Duncan reassured her, "I'll be right there and I'll try to make it real easy for you." When adults express their feelings appropriately, it gives children permission to do so as well." <---- that is from Chapter 4, Section III, "The Foster Family's Role When a Child Leaves their Home.

I tried that with my fd who left last year, I went ahead and cried in front of her (and her bgrandparents who were picking her up) and the whole airport. It was embarrassing, but it DID turn out to be very good for the child. She knew for sure she was a love-worthy and miss-worthy child. And I suppose it got mentioned around the family, because the next year (this year) when the placement failed one of the relatives suggested that the county contact me to adopt her.

The possible bad side is that my fd had not been able to get over the attachment to me, but I think that may have been due to the unempathetic physically-punishing type relative the child was placed with. At least my fd had memories of being really loved to fall back on. And when she was going to come back to me, she called me and told me she had news that made her sad but would make me very happy, that she was coming back to me. I was real glad that she KNEW that I loved her so much I would be very happy to have her back. Of course I'm sure it was for more reasons than crying at the airport, but I think that helped prove my affection was real.

In a couple places the book has said that children need to be told the reason for the move. It seems to be the caseworker's job to explain it. But the whole book is 'talking to the caseworker', so it doesn't address as much as I would like, the viewpoint of the foster family.

I think the rationale for telling the child the reason is so they don't secretly think there is something wrong about themselves.

But I'd think in the case of moving the child because of the annoying parents, that it would be helpful to get input from the therapist and caseworker. Because maybe the child would be afraid that if the bparents found out the adoptive parents address/phone#, that the child would have to be moved again.

One story in the book is different but perhaps the same technique could be used. It says that there was a child that tripped the foster mom at the top of the stairs, as a test to see if she really loved him/would keep him. When he was being transitioned to an adoptive home the caseworker, child, and potential adoptive parents were brought together (maybe with the therapist, I forget and have lost track of the page) and the issue was brought up in front of everyone and the caseworker asked the new parents if they would take the child knowing this occurred and they said they knew it and definitely still wanted the child. I think the book said this was to show the child that he didn't need to keep shameful secrets etc. Then they asked the child in front of the new parents if he thought that when he doubted their love he would trip them down the stairs and he said no, and the cw asked him if he could think of any other way to handle that feeling. And he thought about it and asked doubtfully that maybe he could ask them if they loved him. They all agreed that was a good plan.

So maybe your cw could ask the new family in front of the child if they knew about the annoying bparents and would they accept the child inspite of the risk if those people got the contact info, and then they could say they knew and accepted the risk. That way the children could know the real reasons and not have to feel like something was wrong about themselves, and yet they would have the confidence building experience that the new family knew the potential problem.

I totally understand you not wanting to have contact with the bparents. My daughter has very obnoxious annoying bparents and when she was my fd and she was obviously asking for street names and directions to our house and was caught at a visit at DHS passing a note to the parent promising to tell them what she sees on the way to the foster home, I told her straight out that I didn't want my life made difficult by having her parents showing up and that I was really sorry because I loved her, but if the got the address she would have to go to a different foster family. I felt really mean doing that, but it was for her own good to know what the consequences would be if she did tell. Even now that the adoption is finalized I am very clear to her that if her parents learn of our address because of her telling, we would move and if she told them again the new address she would probably have to go to boarding school or something. I hope this counts as role-modeling taking good care of oneself and not as being mean. I have also explained to her about the mafia boyfriend I had in high school and how I never ever ever want to have to associate with scary people again, because that was such a bad experience.

[Ms. Jackie]

I would say that you love them very much and that you want them to have the best mommy and daddy possible. You do not think you can be the best mommy and daddy, so a better mommy and daddy were found.

Do you still want to be part of their lives or are you going to make a break?

[ajjhmf]

Howdy, I think you have some absolutely wonderful points that worked well for your fd. I know they are also in stark contrast to what also worker for my son.

I think the key here is to think about the ages of children being move. Not all techniques work for all children. My son was 4 when he moved which is why his fparents did things the way they did. With his older brother things were very different. He was 8.

The reason the fparents not crying in front of my son worked is this. At his age, 4, he would not have understood WHY they were sad, just that the were. It would have put a negative light on the move and made his transition to our family very difficult on him. They of course told him they would miss him and since we continued contact after the move, were able to reaffirm that to him afterwards. Just because they didn't cry in front of him, doesn't mean they were stoic and never said they would miss him. I think I forgot to sya that in my original post.

My advice is to think about what knowledge you kids can handle at this age. With all things in parenting, we must think about the best age-appropriate way to handle them. If you continue contact with them, you have plenty of time to fill your story. If not, write it all down for them to read when they are old enough to understand.

Blessings,
Jenny

[KelleyF]

We will continue to have contact with the boys. They are friends of a friend so I'll get to see them. I think it's very important to see them after and let them know I still love them. It will be hard for me, and I doubt I will be able to hold back the tears even if I wanted to, but I'm very happy they are going to a wonderful home. I would love to talk about their "forever home" but there is still a very small chance they could be moved back to the bio family eventually. That's why it's so hard to explain why they are leaving to them. They need to move because they won't continue with the TPR unless they are in a pre-adoptive home.

[Mammie]

Hi KelleyF,

Wow. I do not envy the job before you.

I think what the others have stated before was good advice.

I know you probably want to tell them yourselves - as you love them and want to break it to them the best way possible.

However, if it is really hard for you, how about having the caseworker do it?

Not that I would do it that way - but another foster mom I know had to do something simular.

She had to tell her foster daughter (of 2 years) that bio mother's rights were terminated. (and that the rest of her siblings were getting adopted by either family or their foster parents).

My friend did not want to adopt this child, as she was not a good fit in the family. HOWEVER, she did not want to break the news - as she did not want the child to hate her for the remaining time she would live there.

So, the caseworker came out and did it. I am not too sure what was said, (and there were tears, of course) but the caseworker was trained for situations like that, and she did it ok.

Just throwing out another suggestion, that is all.

You sound as if you have a beautiful, caring soul (of course you do, you are a foster parent! ) You have done well the year that your foster children blessed your home.

However you choose to do it, you will be wonderful at it. Those children are about to embark on a awesome life adventure, where they will be cherished, loved, protected and safe!

I will pray for you that the words will come easily and that healing will begin!

[mom2GRLC]

We have adopted our foster daughter(now 3 1/2) and remianied in contact with her bmom over the last year.

Our main problem with continued contact was the sadness, anger and dissapointment, un-acceptance we have heard over and over again in her bmom's voice and through her words.

I think it is wonderful to show your feelings to your foster children and the adoptive family. But with the sadness, and other feelings you will have you have to make your acceptance and happiness for the adoptive family and for the children overwhelmingly apparant.(even if you have to fake it).

I could not even begin to describe the emotional and physical burden and guilt, sadness, anger that is felt by the adoptive family as well as the child when they feel that there union with their forever child/family is based on so much hurt and loss and unacceptance.

It is like a brick wall that is hard to find your way over...especially when you conitue contact and are trying to work through these issues.

I'm not saying you would ever do that to your fkids.....I just wanted to share my experience.

Maybe ...if anything...to give you comfort in your choice to let these kids go to another home...where their bfamily would not be involved(if they really are that terrible).

I don't want to make the impression that our daughters bmom is this terrible person...because she isn't...it's just the emotions can be so overwhelming and difficult to work through.

I assume this transition will be especially difficult on you and your husband.... what a difficult choice to make. I also wish you comfort and peace in your decision... I'm sure the boys will quickly fall in love with their new forever family....you have taught them how to love and be loved...and that is the greatest gift you could have given them!!!!

[Howdy]

Kelley, that is really awkward for you to not be able to tell the kids they are moving to an adoptive-for-sure home. I hope the children have a good experienced caseworker. But mostly I hope they get to stay in the next home and not have to suffer a whole series of moves.

Jenny - the book says it is just guidelines and that each situation has to be considered as unique. It is true that my kid is much older, very verbal, and not in the 'magical thinking' point like Kelley's kids are. The book uses a lot examples with different age groups. The part about the crying was (I think) mostly to get children to proceed through the grief process about losing the prior home, so they don't get stuck in unresolved grief and wind up misbehaving a lot in the next home. The book also discusses how important it is for the family the child is leaving to "give the child permission to be happy" and to give the child permission to behave well in the next home (for kids who had major bad behaviors that had improved in the current foster home).

MomtoGRLC - that sounds very hard to have to deal with the unacceptance of the bparent. I feel very lucky that my daughter isn't allowed any contact because I'm sure she would have a boatload of emotions dumped on her. Even the brelatives made it unnecessarily hard on her when I got her back this year. They hadn't wanted her themselves but they totally did not give her permission to become part of her new family with me. When I picked her up her baunt put her arms around the child and said "You don't want to call her Mommy do you?" I was so shocked at how rude that was. The child whispered to me when we had a split second alone that she would hug me after we left. Poor kid was so put in the middle. She responded to the awkwardness by refusing to call or email any of her relatives for a couple months. I sent them emails explaining that it would be helpful if they referred to me as her mom when they wrote emails to her. Only one did, and when I read that email to my daughter she didn't comment on the wording but she told me she would like to go visit that aunt. So I think she really wanted to be in contact with her relatives, but was not secure enough in her feelings with me to want to face them. After a couple months when she got used to me being mom, she started calling me mom all the time and simultaneously was ready to call her relatives again. Luckily she was an older child (8 yrs old then), I can't imagine how much harder it must be for a younger child to deal with these emotions, especially if they have less (or no) control over contact.

[Lorraine123]

My daughter was with her last foster family for 18 months prior to coming home to us. They told her that their job was to take care of her until a forever family was found. They never led her to believe that she would be there forever. They did not let her see any sadness on their part when she left, in fact, they showed her excitement and happiness that she had a new forever family. Do not let the children see you grieve. That will only increase their grief. Could the children stay with you until it is determined whether the aunt will get custody. That way you could tell them that this is their forever family.

[TexasJingles]

We also could not tell our 3 that they were going to be adopted. They already had TPR's and were under appeal (hard, but it COULD have been over-turned). The reason that was told to them before being placed with us (we're their foster/adoptive placement) was so that the 3 siblings could be together.

We explained just a little of how the system works (depended on the child how much detail). Basically, we let them understand that there was this guy, a judge, whose job it was to make sure that they have a safe home, that they have the best home/parents that he can find. (ok, in a "perfect world")

So, when they asked, we just told them that we were a foster family and were waiting on the judge. We blamed the "judge" for the wait, for anything that they asked that we couldn't answer because the appeals weren't done.

Perhaps you could use that and tell them that the judge has decided that this other family is a better place (fit) for them? That you know this family and how wonderful they are and you just know that when you see them from time to time that you'll see them so happy.

If they know about the problem with bio family, perhaps you can state that the judge feels that they will be safer there? Because they don't know the bio's?

This is a tough one. One of our families just said you're moving, here's your stuff, good-bye. Wouldn't answer the phone or letters, even though they had given the kids their info. It was really hard on our kids, and we just explained that it was too hard, too painful for them to have contact and left it at that. The other family told our son how they knew this move was going to be great, how he was going to be living with his siblings again (truth be told, for the 1st time!). We still keep in touch with them, and plan on asking them to be his God Parents when he gets baptised.

Good luck!

[KelleyF]

Thank you for all of your great ideas. I am going to use a little of all and also throw in that their new family has no kids and they really want kids to love and to live with them in thier home. How much attention they will get, ect. It will be hard and I'm sure I won't be able to hold back the tears.