[AmyAnne]

My son and I have run into a lot of people who assume they know "our story" because he's being adopted. Among the things that are untrue, but stated as fact:

-Because A is being adopted he must be from another country
-His parents must be dead/he's an orphan
-I must be incapable of getting pregnant
-His parents must belong to a street gang

Any other to add?

[Kate1129]

Because we chose to do foster care as our way to achieve adoption, that we are in it for the money.

Our kids must be "diseased" cause their parents "didn't want them".

[ALI143]

My MIL assumes I'm a bleeding heart liberal out to save the worlds children on her precious sons dime. And my "Mexican" "drug-baby" should be happier now that she's out of foster care. (She actually has a very loving fmom and family who I like and appreciate very much.)

[missw005]

That the boys' moms were drug addicts (which is unfortunately true) or gangbangers or drug dealers or hookers/prostitutes (also unfortunately true) and that they didn't "want them" -

Yah - well, that was NEVER their choice. J's mom didn't even try to take him home - she left him at the hospital (something I'll always be grateful for - 1, that she had him at a hospital and didn't leave him in a box or garbage can somewhere, and 2, that she didn't even try to take him and left him there to get the care he needed, though I'm not real sure she had a choice in that matter anyhow)

In our case it's sad that's what people think, but what's sadder is that it's actually true.

Sandy

[Ms. Jackie]

I have been a member of all of the categories listed below and I have heard about everything. I know that these are true in some cases, but were not in mine.

Little kids -
They are all like little orphan Annie. - Not even close.
They look too thin and their clothes are all ratty. - I talked one foster mom into shopping at Target, but she wanted to get all of my clothes at Dillards or JCPenney.
They were all born drug-affected. - Not even.
Their parents beat them and/or molested them. - Nope, mom was just disabled.
They have a half dozen or more siblings. - Only child.

Teens -
They are all juvenile delinquents who caused themselves to be placed in care by their own actions. - Nope, disabled mom.
If they were not trouble makers, someone would have adopted them by now. - Could not abandon my mom, so I chose not to be adopted.
They all have serious emotional baggage and are thus unadoptable. - Nope, just the typical teenage stuff.
They are all sexually active. - No, I never had sex until I was an adult.
They never respect their foster parents or their property. - I was more respectful than a lot of my peers.

Adults who were foster kids -
They are all high school drop-outs. - I was in the top 10% of my high school class and have a bachelor's degree from a respected university.
They all do drugs and or are alcoholics. - I only drink socially and do not do drugs.
They cannot be trusted. - After all I have been through, I have made it a point to be a better person. I do not take advantage of people.
They were all teenage parents. - I am 24 and still never been pregnant.
They are all still angry at the system. - The system made some mistakes, but overall I am a better person for having been raised in care.
They were all adopted. - I aged out and while I have strong ties to my foster family, I was never adopted.

[Mammie]

Here are some of the misconceptions I have experianced when dealing with the public.

******All little girls come into care sexually molested/damaged*******

********What is wrong with those foster kids? Don't they know they should be grateful and happy, now that they are in your home?********
(these kids DO love and miss their parents)

********Foster children are dumb and under achievers. Nothing but schoolastic disasters and socially inept.*********

*******Don't adopt the foster children...they will turn out just like their biological parents - it's in the genes******

OOOOOO!!!! This one burns my fat, hairy tushie!

*****Foster parents are in it for the money*****
(yeah, right - people who run day care in Metro Detroit get more money for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, than I do for 24 hour care)!

I can not believe how simple and narrow minded some people (and family members) can be!

God Bless 'em in their ignorance, cuz I sure can't!

[redfred]

I've been told by a very dear friend that foster children are "damaged goods" and I should not want to have anything to do with them. Needless to say, I no longer share my life (or my children's lives) with her.

I also HATE hearing the lecture from the ignorant how wonderful of a person I am for being willing to take in these damaged children. I'm not on a pedastal!!!!

[barbhuff]

Originally Posted by redfred

I've been told by a very dear friend that foster children are "damaged goods" and I should not want to have anything to do with them. Needless to say, I no longer share my life (or my children's lives) with her.

I also HATE hearing the lecture from the ignorant how wonderful of a person I am for being willing to take in these damaged children. I'm not on a pedastal!!!!

Amen! Isn't it amazing how little you can hear about "how wonderful you are" and "what a saint you are" before you get COMPLETELY sick of it!

There's a great article in the November issue of Child magazine on this subject.

[melliemoo]

Aaah, the best part is when it's your own mother who makes some of these doozy comments ...

Melissa =)

[mallory4]

A work colleague assumed our f/a son's biodad was a high school drop out and that part of his plan would be getting a GED. In fact he went to college! And people can be great parents without a GED, anyway!

MIL has repeatedly said "I don't know how anybody could give up a cute baby like that" as if it would be at all appropriate for a biomom to make the decision about whether she could successfully parent based on how cute her baby is?!

Even scarier--she is a foster parent herself! Her teen foster daughters are beautiful, and get great grades, too. Does she sit around them saying "I can't believe your mom didn't want cute girls like you!"

Also, she locks them in the house at night because she thinks it is in their blood to "run the streets". OMG.

You can train people, but you can't make them think!

[lakin11]

We are still waiting to be licensed, but hoping that happens soon! My parents aren't sure really 'why' my husband and I want to foster/adopt from the system. We can have biological children, but have not yet. They seem to think infertility would be the ONLY reason we would choose this. At the beginning my mom asked me if we were doing it for the money. After me really letting her have it, she apologized and said she didn't really think we would. My dad informed us on how we were "taking away" from our future biological children. How? By loving their siblings that come in our home a different way? Who knows...I think once we actually have kids in our care, they will come around. If not, it is their choice to not be involved. I won't let their comments and actions hurt my kids.
Shannon

[mallory4]

lakin11, we, too, chose to add to our family thru foster/adopt even though we have 3 biokids and assume we could have more without any problems.

Some people seem to think we are squandering our family resources (financial, parenting energy, etc) by adding to our family, and have said so.

We, on the other hand, think we have given our kids something much more valuable than material possessions, and even more valuable than an always well-rested mom (if there even is such a thing).

First of all, they have a sibling they adore and enjoy tremendously. Second, they have the example of seeing their parents put their beliefs into actions, instead of just paying lip service to them: All children are equally worthy of love and families.

We think these gifts are worth more than a lifestyle upgrade to compete with other people's cars, clothes, or vacations.

People, even those that love us, just don't always get it!

[MamaTo6]

We get the "oh how could his REAL mom give him away, hes just so cute". Like they are saying they could understand if he was not so cute. GRRR.

And the REAL mom thing, I am REAL. Its REALLY me that wipes his nose and bottom. Its REALLY me that is awake walking the floors when he is sick. Its REALLY me that is up before the sun every morning to make his breakfast.

Now our son does have a 1st mom or bmom. She isnt a drug dealer or on drugs. She is not a prostitute and she only voluntarily signed TPR because a judge was just about to do it anyway. She did not "give away" her child. She very lovingly placed him with his adoptive family because she knew he would be loved and cared for here.

Our son was not "abused" either. He is not "damaged", (grrrr) nor was he born with any drugs in his system.

We have heard them all and it doesnt make it any easier when its your own siblings/parents making the stupid comments...especially when you have spent many conversations educating them. Or trying to.

[Learning2wait]

I hear the ever popular
"The bmom must have really young, right?" (or 15, or 13....)
"She must have been on drugs"
Maybe I need to come up with other suggestions to widen their concept of what can break a family, instead of letting them all decide that it's "always" the same problem...
But how do you tell them no when what they say is true? (Okay, she was 17, not 13...)

[Ms. Jackie]

I would politely but firmly tell then that it's none of their business. With foster kids, their confidentiality must be protected. With adopted kids, they deserve privacy as well, although it is at the discretion of the adoptive parents to disclose or not disclose info. If you do not wish to disclose info, I suggest the following:

"That's personal."
"That's private."
"I really can't talk about that."
"That is not a question I feel comfortable answering on the child's behalf. If they want you to know, the child will tell you."
"That is an inappropriate question."
"Our family matters are not relevant to this discussion."
"My family does not believe in airing our business to people with whom we are not familiar."