[foster parent]

I HAVE TWO BOYS IN FOSTER CARE. ONE OF THE BOYS HAS PASSED STOOLS IN HIS CLOTHES AND URINATED IN HIS CLOTHES SEVERAL TIMES (HE'S NOW 8 YEARS OLD). I TOOK HIM TO THE DOCTOR AND HE SEEMED TO BE O.K. AFTER TAKING HIM TO THE DOCTOR, HE HAS WET HIS CLOTHES A COUPLE OF TIMES. HE HAS DONE IT WHILE IN WAS IN HIS BED AND EVEN DURING THE DAY. RECENTLY, HE PASSED STOOL IN HIS CLOTHES AGAIN AND WET HIS CLOTHES. (THIS WAS DONE ON PURPOSE - HE DOES IT WHEN HE'S ANGRY.). IF YOU ASK HIM WHY HE DID IT, HE WOULD REPLY "I DON'T KNOW". I HAVE BEEN TOLD BY OTHERS THAT HE'S NOT AT HIS AGE LEVEL AND THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR A CHILD WHO HAVE HAD SEVERAL PROBLEMS. THIS CHILD ALSO HAS A PROBLEM WITH LYING - YOU CAN SEE HIM MISBEHAVING AND HE'LL SAY HE DID NOT DO ANYTHING.

WELL, TO TOP IT OFF, HIS 5 YEAR OLD BROTHER IS NOW COPYING HIS BEHAVIOR. HE ALSO PASSED STOOL IN HIS CLOTHES AND WET HIS CLOTHES - ALSO SMEARED THE STOOL ON HIS CLOTHES.

IS THIS NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR KIDS THAT ARE IN FOSTER CARE. (I HAVE KEPT SEVERAL CHILDREN BEFORE, BUT HAVE NOT HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE).

APPRECIATE YOUR HELP ON THIS?

[AmyAnne]

My son will intentionally wet the bed if he's angry as well. First and foremost make him responsible for cleanup. (you may have to go back after he's asleep and do a better job) IF you know something's making him mad, you may want to tell him it's perfectly okay for him to tell you he's angry but you want him to TELL you not show you. There's a product called Good Nights, that are supposed to be for kids who wet the bed. You can always make him wear those.

Are these kids in therapy? If not, you may want to get them to a therapist.

[foster parent]

Yes, These Boys See A Therapist, But The Therapist Seems To Think That Since The Boys Have Been Through Abuse, This Is Normal Behavior For The Boys. I Think They May Need More Intensive Therapy.

I Have Used Goodnights For The Boys And Have Had Them To Clean Up Their Mess. But What Bothers Me Too, Is The Younger Brother Is Copying The Older Brother's Behavior. The Older Brother Has Done This Several Times; But The Younger Brother Is Now Picking Up The Habit. (he Passed Stool And Urinated In His Clothes Twice In One Day).

[waiting home]

What is your reaction to this behavior?

If they see that it gets your attention and even disturbs you, that is the attraction for them.

Trust me I know, its easier said than done since I am not the one cleaning it up, but try the "it doesn't bother me approach."

My sister had a heck of a time with this with her older boy. She had finally had it. Let me tell you about the last time it ever happened.

He was being forced to get ready for school (didn't want to go for what ever reason) so he soiled his pants (liquid and solid).

Now, the normal scenario would be my sister going ballistic, cleaning up while he cleaned himself up, both screaming and crying at each other as he had to change his clothes, etc. This became a fairly regular routine for them whenever G. did not want to go somewhere or was mad at her. He would end up being late for school or they were late for appointments, etc.

She was absolutely done with this intentional behavior. She had brought him to the doctor numerous times, the psych once, talked with the school, etc. yet the behavior continued.

Well, the one day it was do or die. He pulled his tricks and instead of getting angry or even acknowledging what had happened, she sent him to the bus stop as a stinking mess insisting he will not be late today. Kissed him goodbye and told him to have a good day, see ya after school.

Now, you are going to say this sounds absolutely cruel, right? I had my doubts in the beginning too. But I was not living it.

He was in third grade and having very big control issues with mom and (sometimes) dad at home. Well, we all can imagine what happened on that bus ride to school with the other wonderful, understanding peers.

Sure enough, when he reached the school, the nurse called. My sister explained the situation. She then brought a change of clothes up to school and made it very clear that she may not be available to bring new clothes next time. All while remaining calm.

It never happened again. I know it really sounds cruel, but it did work for her so its just a sharing of experience.

The moral of the story being that HE IS THE ONE IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.

[squeek]

I'd get out the bucket and detergent, sit him outside and make him clean his underpants. Even if you end up throwing them away.

We had to do this with our 9-year-old FS. It wasn't that he was actually having a movement, he just wasn't wiping at all...

He washed underpants two times and we've never had a problem again.

That's advice I got from this WONDERFUL board!!!

[kikibrando]

My oldest daughter and my son were doing exactly the same thing, not wiping after a bowel movement. This was several years apart, but I sat each one down with a bucket of warm water and a bar of soap and made them scrub it. This worked wonders.
Now that dd is a teen, we had issues with her cleaning up after puberty bagan. After throwing away too many undergarments because she wasn't rinsing them, I finally piled them all in a bucket and handed it to her. That was the last time I had to deal with it.
I agree with the waitinghome's sister's solution. Sometimes experience is the best teacher.

[Mammie]

Hello foster parent!

We too, had a foster son who lived with us for 14 months. When he was mad at us (or wanted us to look bad - showing he was in control - or wanting a reaction - again, a control issue) would wet all over himself...and then in a crying fit, would blame us....saying that we made him do it! (He also refused to wipe his butt, or would get poop on his fingers and wipe it on the walls!) He was 8 years old and in therapy as well.

Like you, he had a younger brother who was watching everything!

I really agree with some of the things waiting home talked about...(and if he had been our natural son, I believe I would have done the same thing. However, in the state of Michigan, and being in the foster system, sending the child to school like that would have been deemed as child abuse and we would have been reported to DHS.)

This is what worked for us.

1. DO NOT REACT. This is a control issue for him. This is sooooo hard to do...but TRUST ME! It does work! Act like you could care less (even if you want to throw him through a window!)

2. If you are at home (and will be remaining for a time), allow him to sit in his mess. No change of clothes for 15 minutes or so (coupled with your non-emotion) will really take the fizzle out of his control bid.

3. Definately make HIM clean up his mess and himself as well. Supervise. Don't help and show no emotion. Remember YOU ARE IN CONTROL...NOT HIM!

4. If it were me, and he tried this with appointments and school, I would keep him home in the mess he created, until he cleaned it up. Afterwards, no rewards, no privilages, no nothing. Most important, show no emotion. His reward is to get you upset. Later, he thinks he can play, watch tv or do what ever he wants. No way! If he wants to play that game, he can stay in his bed. If he messes it again - it is not your fault. He can deal with it.

5. Be consistent! Play the same way, everytime. He will grow weary (though with some children, they are pros at the waiting game)when he does not get the reaction out of you he craves.

During this time, little brother will be watching and when he sees there is no 'reward' (no matter how demented it seems to you - that is how their abused minds preseve it) because there is no one to control - and there is a big mess to boot - he will not want to follow in big brother's footsteps for long!

We had this problem - and it only happened like 5-6 times. Little brother tried it twice and lost interest. Be consistant, and SHOW NO EMOTION! Do not give that 8 year old the control he craves!

It is gonna be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but the pay off is sweet!

Good luck!

[Kate1129]

I had the same problem with soiling. Show NO emotion and make him clean it up! If the younger brother is starting do the same thing, make him clean it up!