[polkadotghost]

Hi, I am new to this area. I have an almost 3 yr old little girl we adopted at birth and have a beautiful, extremely open adoption with her birthmom. I also have an almost 2 year old bio daughter. I am a part time child and youth counsellor in a treatment home (same house I used to be fulltime in).

There is a truly amazing 12yr old in here tha,t for the first time in over 6 years, has gotten past all my defenses. We have a great bond and this sweetheart, all he wants is to have a family (PGO and has absoutely no one). I once asked all the kids if they had one wish what would it be and the other said the usual stuff:money, toys, and this kid said all he wants is a mom. He doesn't really have any major issues, mostly food issues/bedwetting but I'm kinda used to that anyway. The rest are from getting frustrated when others move back home (usually not listening, goofy, attitude, etc). They can't find a foster home because of the bedwetting (here its a big issue for some reason and a BIG lack of fosterhomes right now). He is truly very innocent and such an amazing good heart and has worked past so many of his past aggressive issues, really not that bad for a very long time and was always extremly remorseful afterwards.

He has really hit my heart and for the last several months I can't stop thinking about him living with us. My family is amazing and have even asked why I don't foster in the past. Its a big loving family with lots of cousins who are his age. We'd have to build a room downstairs for him. My amazing, should be cloned, husband is really open to the idea but is concerned about the age difference between him and the girls, as am I and the *cue scary music* teenage years. Has anyone had any experience with this? How do you know what to do, foster him or not? i've talked to some of my co-workers and they all say its perfect and they are all very attatched to him. I'm so conflicted and tortured over this. I'd have to quit my job but we can well afford it, I was only working to have something to do and I love my job.

I just don't know what to do or if he'd fit in with my family and kids. My daughters are great and very close and he has been violent on occasion in the past (never with me and I'm not a pushover). HELP!!!!!!

[wish41more]

Can you have him come over for "visits" without telling him or your other children that he may live with you? This way, after a few months of him spending time with your family you and your husband could figure out if it's a good fit or not without letting anyone down. The age difference is very scarry just bc your children are so young and you never know how he'll act with them after 4, 6 or 8 months.
Just a thought. :-)

[polkadotghost]

The problem is that I work in the treatment home he lives in and I'm not allowed to take them to my home without special permission from the social worker and only in extreme cases (ie Christmas and no other kids home). I have to be careful of the other kids as well.

[Tudu]

I understand your concerns, it sounds like you have put alot of thought into this and are not rushing into things. It sounds like he needs you, no one else will even consider him. We had very troubled teens in our home when we adopted our baby and I was concerned. It worked out great for us. Every situation is different only you know what you can handle, think about how much he has overcome, what his needs will be, what your fears are, what he can become with a family, tc. Then if you feel this is for you, do it and don't look back. It won't be perfect, children don't need perfect they need stable loving families. Good Luck.
Rachel

[FostAdoptMoms]

It sounds like you have a lot of information regarding this little boy and his history. That puts you many steps ahead of most of us. I don't know the level of violent issues - but that would certainly weigh on my mind as well. Especially with little ones. You mentioned he had them - but he had corrected his agressive behaviors and that he felt remorseful. Those are good signs. How does he respond to direction? Do you feel he would react well to setting clear rules and expectations with him when he enters your home? Without knowing the extent of his hx of violence, it is hard to make any recommendation one way or the other.

If you have been thinking about him for "months" - I would say that it might be "meant to be." - I think you know the answer in your heart/mind. You have planned where he would stay - you have gotten buy in from your hubbie - and even considered if you would be willing to leave your job to do this. It sounds like you think this is something that is right for you guys.

As a bio mom who is in pre-foster adopt placement - I understand the struggle of helping kids but not sacrificing your own in the process. With your counselling background and your ability to be at home with the kids - maybe you can closely monitor the intereactions and correct him on any behaviors before they get out of hand.

I can relate to your issue as we have two bio daughters (7 (almost 8) and 11 year old) and met a 15 year old girl this weekend we cannot walk away from. We had planned on only adopting younger children, but this little girl has grabbed my heart and I cannot NOT adopt her. We are in the pre-placement process. We did, however, turn down a sibling group based on their hx. It is a very hard call and I wish you the best in make the right determination for your family!

My thoughts are with you!
- S

[polkadotghost]

I've actually set up a meeting with my boss who runs the treatment home to talk about it. When he first came in he hit staff occasionally but not with any real effort. In the last year there have been only a handful of incidents where he hit a staff but it was usually weak. His bigger issues are following directions. He tends to get really goofy or ignore you when he's upset, especially around shower. He's functioning around 9yrs socially and academically. Yesturday he dug through a scary yucky garage to find pop cans and take off the tabs for another kid who was collecting them to help buy a wheelchair (no one asked him to go look). He often does stuff like that. I don't know, I change my mind everyother day. Thanks for the ideas! Happy Halloween

[5dogz]

Your situation sounds a lot like ours! Our bio. daughter was 15 months old when I brought home an 11-yr-old boy from the school where I teach. He was with us for 1-1/2 years until he was permanently placed with a relative in another state. This was a year and a half ago, and our daughter still keeps his photo by her bed and talks about him all the time. This kid was an AMAZING big brother: kind, attentive, sweet-natured. Believe me, we were very, very nervous and for many months we wouldn't even let them alone in an adjacent room (in the family room while I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, etc.) but by the time he left we were completely comfortable with him as a big brother. Our only problems stemmed from uncertainty and lack of permanency. He was very attached to his bio. mom and wanted to go back with her. This was impossible due to her behavior. We wanted to adopt him and would have in a heartbeat, but ultimately the bonds of family were so strong that he chose to go to a relative instead. We're glad we were able to help this wonderful kid in need of a caring family and I think that if we had it to do over again, we would. I have to say, though, that our daughter paid a price for it and that was really hard. She missed him so much, and still does, and to feel that first pain of loss in her little life and know that we brought it into her life, was very painful for us as well. We had a great support system of friends, CASA, etc. who would take our foster son for frequent visits, and that helped us to maintain time with our nuclear family. This was very important for us as we realized our foster son probably wouldn't be with us permanently, and we would have to pick up the pieces and move on when he left. Permanency is a whole other issue: you have to consider the likelihood of his remaining with you and whether that's something you're willing to do? It definitely changes your family dynamics and that can be hard, even when you really care about the foster child. I'm not sure if this is helpful or not. I just know what you're going through and I wish you the very best. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for your family.

[tybeemarie]

What a great heart you have! These things are so individual, it's hard for others to say what to do, of course. And as another poster said, you have a LOT more information than a typical foster parent would have. Obviously, the big question is how would this be for your daughters?

We are a pre-adoptive foster placement for our 3 kids, who are younger than this child. Mine are 6, 8, and 10. They were presented to us as children without attachment issues or FAS, whose birth mother was a nice person who couldn't shake a drug habit, and who were in a loving foster home, it was just that she was a single parent with a biological child who couldn't handle my youngest child's medical needs.

The reality: my children all are attachment disordered, all drug exposed, the youngest 2 have FAS, the youngest has ADHD, all have PTSD, and most recently, we learned they were sexually reactive. We've had them almost a year, and only learned about the sexual reactivity 2 weeks ago. My oldest daughter has rages that are quite violent--she has broken my nose and has tried to kick out my arthritic knees. Fortunately, her rages are less violent now. They were horrifically abused in every way in their foster home, and the birth family was no picnic either--domestic violence, drug use, homelessness, possible sexual abuse, etc. Serious issues abound.

It truly is so hard to know what the kids will do once they're in your home. Many things only came out because the kids felt safe enough with us to disclose. I presume after we adopt, we'll learn more upsetting things.

We love them completely. They are our babies who God sent to us. But, boy is this HARD. And balancing the needs of a disturbed child with 2 healthy children, that would be harder still, I think.

Of course, you know this will be hard, and you know there are risks, as your question shows. If you are a praying person, I would say to pray and listen to your heart. And get as much information as you can. I asked very pointed questions before my kids were placed, and we still were blindsided. Not so much because people were trying to deceive us, but because no one had done meaningful assessment and because the kids had never been safe before. Ultimately, you can't know for sure, because visits are also honeymoon-y and not necessarily an accurate gauge of things.

But, this may be your son! And every child deserves a family--not all can handle living in a family, which is why there are facilities like the place where you work. But he sure deserves a shot at it. And wanting a mom is a great sign. Please let us know how things go! I'm wishing you and him the best of luck!

[polkadotghost]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful replies. I'm really struggling with it. I have about a month off from the treatment home so I can really ponder it with my hubby. I'm hoping to meet with my boss this week to discuss the team's feelings on the matter. His desire for a family has never wavered and actually came home the other day, the happiest I have ever seen him, after a friend said he wanted to adopt him (wouldn't happen) and he thought "I could finally have a family!!!" It broke my heart. One of the other kids had a severe violent episode the other day which kinda spooked me even though this boy has never been like this. He can be difficult with following routines, requests at times but others can be so amazing and once actually spent 45 min. scrubbing a pot to get rid of all the grunge to surprize us! Just need to ponder it some more and maybe talk to his social worker as well. I am glad I have so much info on him and have spent over a year with him and have seen him at his worst and at his best.