[shy_bear]

Hello, we went to our adoption meet and greet today. All went well. We said we were going to get our name out there and meet some adoptive families since we are new to the community. Well, in walk two gorgeous girls. I poked my husband and told him to go talk to them. We ended up spending the whole afternoon with them. They are 13 year old twins. They were removed from their birthfamily b/c of drug use. They are currently in a residential treatment facility and have been working on building a sibling relationship b/c their mom would pit one against the other. We are suppose to call their adoption worker on Monday to get a more detailed description of their history. What should we ask? We don't want to get caught up in our emotions and make a mistake that will effect us, our children, and these girls. We are trying to go slow!! Any input would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.

[tybeemarie]

You want to get as much information as possible so you can make an informed decision that objectively takes into account the girl's needs and your capacity to meet those needs. This is much harder to do once you meet and fall in love with the kids. I know, since my DH and I fell in love with our sibling group, and took them with less information than I would have accepted had we not met them. As it turns out, they have attachment issues, FAS, and PTSD. Much more serious stuff than we were contemplating. It's working out, and they are our babies, but not the way I would recommend going about this.

Living in a residential treatment facility is very serious. Some significant behaviors are afoot, or the state would not be laying down the serious cash necessary to keep these girls in a residential facility. Kids in care are at high risk for RAD. I would read Parenting the Hurt Child and Nancy Thomas's book When Love is Not Enough to get a handle on this issue. Also, keep in mind that with drug exposure often comes alcohol exposure, which is a lot worse. You should definitely educate yourself on FAS. Keep in mind that it is very much underreported generally, and I would say even more so with kids in care.

I would ask for these girls' diagnoses that led to their admission into a residential treatment facility. I would also ask how long they've been in care, how long DCFS may have been monitoring the family before removing them from them home, all the issues that led to their removal, how many placements they've had, why there have been changes in placement. Any allegations of abuse by foster parents, true or false? Were they sexually abused? Are they sexually reactive? Has a psychological assessment been done, and if so, what were the findings? What are their medical needs? What are their educational needs? Have they been assessed for an IEP? Do they have other siblings? Where are they? What sort of visits have they had with siblings, birth parents? Is there a history of mental illness in their birth family? Any violence directed against animals? people? What do the girls express they want in a family, if they want one at all? Are they on any medication? What kind? Are they in therapy? What kind? What does the therapist say about their progress and their readiness to join a family? Do they have RAD? If so, are they in treatment with an attachment therapist?

Good luck! Let us know how things go.

[sallyshore]

I just want to second everything the last poster said, and add -- if you can, talk to the past foster parents to find out why the girls left foster care and were placed in residential treatment. If the state allows you to talk to previous foster parents (some will, some won't), you have to assess the foster parents a bit as you talk with them, if they don't allow you, ask why the kids were removed -- who made the decision to remove them, etc. It's VERY important to know about RAD, and the first thing you should know is that RAD kids can be extremely charming to strangers and become extremely difficult to live with if you take them on. Read everything about RAD, as the former poster suggested, and I would add, read Daniel Hughes' books on the subject as well. Good luck!
sally

[wants2adopt]

How old are your own children? 13 is a difficult age to be taking in girls because hormones are raging and these are the years most mothers and daughters do not get along until the girls are in their 20's. Personally my children have requested to always be the oldest in our home and I like that. As siblings they are not used to older ones and have done very well with our foster children all being young enough to teach them manners, but not be overwhelmed by older habits or personality traits. Let me know how it's going please. We are ALL here to support eachother.