[cb131]

I have a 2&4 yr fs & fd well HAPPILY for us things look like adoption is in the future for both.(Sadly for mom though).But with all the court dates I have gone to, I met a grandmother of the fd that I connected with,well we have been having conversations every once in a while(just her & I ) & now she is being asked questions by other family members to give their numbers to me so I can call them.I am sure alot of them are very nice but I feel like the water is getting muddy & I can't see clearly.I only wanted to give some piece to the grand parents because they are very supportive of the adoption.But now I am concerned that I did not look at the whole picture & am hurting more people that helping I just wanted them to know she was in a loving home & taken care of.Also thoughts of after adoption how do I keep my stress level down Does any of you adoptive parents allow grandparent visits?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

I am in an open adoption with our children's birth family. Their grandparents and uncles (they have no aunts) have been told that they are welcome to call and ask about them (they are almost 4 and 3), send them cards, letters, etc. and my kids call them grandmom and grandpop, aunt, uncle, etc. They call their birth parents by their first names and really don't understand the relationship at this point as they're too young.

Having said all that, their birth family has been very supportive of all we have requested. When I made the contact to see if they would be interested in an open relationship I spelled out exactly what I would and would not be able to do. They have complied with everything and so have we. If, however, this changes for some reason and problems start to surface I would not hesitate to stop the contact with the person causing friction. It's important to me that my children grow up happy and well-adjusted. If someone causes me undue stress after I've reached out to them I'm sorry but I'd have to stop the contact (and they have been told this up front).

You may be surprised to find that the extended family will also be supportive of you and their grandparents. If this is not something you think you want, by all means, don't make the initial contact. If you do then stop for no reason it will hurt them worse.

Best of luck.

Michelle

[Kate1129]

Michelle,

Would you give a bit more detail as to the "terms"? If you want you can PM them to me.

We are wondering the same thing. Our bfamily is severly disfunctional and we are wondering if we should just go with no contact? It's so iffy at this point.

Thanks!
Kate

[yanknrebel]

We have an open adoption with our 3 year olds birth relatives. WHile the biomom will NEVER be able to see our daughter , the birthfather, who is still living with biomom , in TX, is alloed to send cards, get pictures, gifts call or even visit. Though, he has said three different times he was coming, have not see him nor his mother, who we also allow to have contact. However 3 weeks ago, I got a phone call from the biomom's sister. SHe wanted to know if I would be willing to let her see her neice. I told her sure. SO she and her younger sister came out to my home and visited for 3 hours. The following Sat, they called and asked if they could bring their 4 children? I welcomed them in and they stayed 4 hours. Now I was ready for them to go after 2, we did have a very pleaseant meeting. The kids all enjoyed themselves. I sent the one sister some pictures over the internet as well as gave them both a bunch of pictures while they were here. Have not heard from them since. LOL As for the bf and his mother, I sent them pictures for FAther's Day and have never heard from them again. I have been debating about whether to send a picture and invitation to the bf's brother and his wife. They were also very supportive of our adopting our daughter, but have never met them.

I, too spelled out specifically what I expected from the sisters. They were never to tell bf where we lived. They were worried about them even knowing that they had been seeing her, so I have chosen not to tell bps that the sisters have been visiting. THe sisters (aunts) can call, come by with sufficient notice, can buy gifts, cards, get pictures but never take her off all alone without me. One of the sisters asked me how would we do Thanksgiving and Christmas. That threw me off guard, not having given it much thought. I told her that we spend Thanksgiving at my mother's house , so if they wanted to come over that night, they could here at my home and Christmas , they could come over CHristmas Eve, as we do all of our celebrating Christmas Day. I also made it very clear that NEVER would their father (our daughter's grandfather) ever be allowed to see her. He molested his daughters for years. SO as long as they comply and don't make me too stressed, then I see no reason why our daughter should not enjoy her aunts and cousins and uncles. As long as they all know, as long as they are around, I will be stuck like glue to MY daughter, since I truly do not know these people.

Good luck on making your decision. It can work. You just have to let them know what YOU want and are willing to do. YOU make the rules for YOUR child. DO not let them dictate to you. YOU are doing them a FAVOR by letting them into your child's life.

Mary

[cb131]

thank you ,I was not even thinking how holidays would go.I cannot stop thinking about what if I am not doing what THEY think I should be doing for their child how much trouble can they cause (that is were my stress is going to come from.) Realisticly I know were my best intentions are but I am what is known as a push over.My husband is the strong force & my proctector from bio mom.He will see clearly & I will have to trust him. also does it get written into paperwork that it is an open adoption?Is an open adoption one that allows family or is it bigger than just family?

[tlc4kidz]

Here open adoptions through the state are not legally binding. We have gotten together a couple times with our kids bgrandparents (they adopted 2 of our kids bio-sibs). They have my cell number and our P.O. Box, but we were not ready to give out home info. We have a very good relationship with bparents also.....they have moved half way across the country, so there is no face to face visits. I do send them letters and pics.

I think the best way to handle it is to sit down with your dh, figure out exactly what you are comfortable with and present that to the family. We were advised by our attorney not to make any agrrements, verbally or otherwise, until after the adoption was final.

I first talked at length with the grandparents about what each of our expectations were, before we agreed to any visits at all. We together decided that it would be best for the kids to call us by first name.....it's a little more complicated for us since there's sibs involved. We plan on being completely honest about who everyone is, but they felt, and we agreed that it has to be explained as they are able to understand......it's confusing enough for the grown-ups!