[wish41more]

because you have a gut feeling that it's not a good match? I feel like a horrible, aweful person for even thinking this way but I feel like I can't do it anymore. It seems like every night I break down in tears when dh gets home from work. I think I didn't give myself enouph time to grieve with M leaving before G came to be with us. I really don't feel like it's a good match. Does this happen a lot with babies? He's only 10 months old. I don't understand why I can't see myself ever falling completely in love with him. I didn't think it was possible to not fall in love with a baby.
I need responses, fast!
Thank you everyone for your continued support.

[lucyjoy]

I think this does happen a lot. Sometimes a child or family are just not a good match. It's better to speak up sooner and let go then to continue struggling until everyone falls apart. Don't feel guilty and don't beat yourself up. You know what is best for you and your family and it is okay to say so.

[lovemy6]

I thank God every night that the first foster families for my children were able to see that they weren't a good fit for their families. Although we have our issues, they are the perfect children for my family. By forcing this fit, you may be keeping the perfect match for your little guy.

We recently disrupted a foster placement bc his issues were too deep for a large family. He is flourishing in his new family. We only had him for three months, but it was long enough for his new family to get their foster license. They were in the class getting their license whe he was placed with us. When we had made the phone call to have him moved, they had just finished their licensing. The timing was perfect and now six months later they are waiting on tpr to adopt him. They're happy and he's doing great. Not every child and every family are a good match. I'm sure your little guy was at your house for a reason. Now it may be time for his forever family to take him.

[stepforone]

Is this the same child that you list in your tag line as 'hoping to adopt"? Did something happen since you wrote that? Am I right that he's only been with you one month? You may just need more time. Most of the babies that have come to us required more than 3 months for me to decide if I wanted to adopt. None of them worked out. One could have but I told them we didn't want to adopt her and she went to another family that had siblings of her. I missed her and wondered if I did the right thing but I believe I did. She was only 5 weeks when we got her and 6 months when she left. Now the baby we have now I realized EARLY that I wanted to keep her if it worked out that way. Within a month I was in love and she was only 3 weeks old when we got her. So I do agree that some children (even babies) don't fit with a family and may not be right for you. It's your heart you have to listen to. But give it time, I assume it's not something you need to decide right away?

[wish41more]

no, I don't need to decide right away but every day that goes by I feel more and more drained. yes, this is the child that says "hoping to adopt" next to his name. as I said in my first post, "I didn't think it was possible to not fall in love with a baby". I wrote that the day or day after he came to our home so I really was hoping to adopt him. It's such a sad situation for all involved. My bson is going to be hurting so badly if we decide it's not the right child for us, my bfamily is sooooo in love with him, we are going to feel a void in our home no matter if it was the right match or not and this little baby, that has been through so much in his short life; now another move for him. I feel so bad for doing this to him. I feel like I've failed him but the more I've prayed about it today, the clearer my head is getting and unfortunately, I just don't feel like it's going to work. I just pray to God that if we are going to interupt this placement that he gets to his forever home quickly! We're going to be done with fostering for quit some time. I've learned never to say never but I wont do this again until we (dh, me and bson) can decide as a family that this is what's right for us. Maybe when our son is like 8 or 9 or 14??? Who knows!?!

[wish41more]

lucyjoy, thanks for your kind words. I was a little hesitant about posting this bc I was afraid I would get attacked. :-)
lovemy6, the first sentence in your reply says it all. you are right, there may be another faimly out there that just "clicks" (for lack of a better word) with him.
I dunno what I'm going to do. I have a lot of praying to do. His therapist is comming again on Monday and I've arranged for dh to be home so I can talk to her w/out interuptions.

I love hearing everyone's experiences with this!
It helps more than you know!

[yanknrebel]

My family and I had a set of 3 girls that were free for adoption and when we were called we were asked if we wanted to see them first. I told them no (after speaking to my dh) that we did not need to see them first. We wanted to take them. They were 2, 4, and 6 (all had a birthday coming up in the month that we got them, so would be 3, 5 and 7) Well we drove 2 hours to the county to pick them up. They were beautfil litle girls. The youngest ran up to me and just hugged me so tightly. That should have been a sign.
Anyway, we already had a fd, age 2, who we had gotten at birth as a legal risk and was hoping to adopt. We only had the girls for a week. WIthin that week, the 2/3 year old tormented our 2 year old fd. SHe would bite, hit, kick, punch and pull her hair. Then the oldest, 6, was acting out sexually with my husband. I firmly beleive the oldest and youngest had attachment issues. The oldest had seen her biomom (prostitute) working. I thought the world of these girls, but I knew after the first day or so, we were not a good match for them. They needed to be in a home with no other children. WIth my fd (we had since birth) I could not wait till she woke up in the morning. When I got these three, by the third day, I was DREADING them waking up. What mom feels that way? I don't think I was a bad mom. I just wasn't equipped at that ime to handle these three and their issues. I also did not think it fair that our fd (that we have since adopted) should have to endure all the abuse from the 2/3 year old. I felt terrible for calling DCS after only a week, but every one in the family was miserable. Even my husband was coming home later at night, to keep away from the girls.

SO there are some babies and kids that we would do an injustice to if we kaept them in our family if not the right fit. DOn't feel bad. Approx 3 weeks after we had the girls removed, the twins that we had sat with in the hospital and was later sent home with biomom, came back into custody ,and was placed with us. I know now that if we had kept the girls, we would not have gotten the twins placed with us. They are a perfect fit. God knows what he is doing at all times. Trust in him. Good luck. A baby will not be hard to place.

Mary

[yanknrebel]

One more thing, that baby deserves to be the most important thing in a family's life each and every day . He does not deserve to be a 2nd place winner". Your family deserves the best ,as does this baby.

[momofmykids]

Wish,
You need to follow your heart and I think your heart is telling you that this match isn't right. I think, for all parties involved, that he should move, asap. You've tried and that's all you can do.

Praying for you guys...

[jackiesbooks]

You have have posted before on this same problem. I think you know that you have to him moved. Do it now if it is not working. His forever home is out there. A 10 month old baby should not be hard to place.


Good Luck.

[wish41more]

thank you, thank you, everyone! I want to talk to his therapist and I'm sure we'll have made a decision by early next week.

[wish41more]

Well, here's an update for those of you still reading my saga. :-)

I woke up this morning feeling a lot more clear headed. I've been praying a lot. G seemed to be responding to me in a totally different way, he even leaned in to me when I asked for kisses. HE HAS NEVER DONE THAT! Usually, he arches his back and screams if you mention a hug or kiss. Anyway, after that happened tears just filled my eyes and I thought, ok maybe this can happen. As the morning went on he still seemed a little more comfortable with me but I have realized now that I am still feeling the same. It was like within 1 moment I realized, even if he does warm up to me I still don't have a connection with him. I am very sad but also feel relieved that I have made a decision. Right after I felt those feelings I just calmly waked into the kitchen to get G's sw number and I called without even thinking of what I was going to say. The words (tears) just started flowing. I told her everything I was feeling and by the end of the conversation I was sure I had made the right choice, for my family AND for G. G's sw is going to start looking for another fost-adopt home AND talk to the therapist we've been working with. I told the sw that I thought it was crucial for the new family to know it's not going to be all roses! I told her everything about the issues we've experienced with him.
I am so happy to have somewhere to let out my true feelings and not be judged!
Unfortunately, I am not going to have the support from my family if I say it wasn't a good match. They have fallen completely in love with him and although it's going to be difficult for everyone involved, this is a choice we had to make for us.

[AmyAnne]

My prayers are with you. I'm glad you made this decision with a peaceful heart.

[GingerR]

I too will say a prayer for you and little G. I truly think that the decision to adopt a child should be along the lines of saying yes to a marriage proposal... if you're not absolutely in love with that child, don't say yes, otherwise you're facing a possible lifetime of frustration and unhappiness. It's better to have made this decision early on than drag out the inevitable, and hopefully your family will understand that. Hang in there.

[wish41more]

Thank you ginger and amy! Last night and today were a lot less stressfull knowing that we've made a decision.