[SnglFmom]

I am new to this forum and to foster parenting. I've only been parenting since March but all my placements have been short-term (2 wks or so). I just accepted two children (5 yr old boy, 2 yr old girl) that are long-term foster/adopt placements, which is my goal. During my other placements, I always thought of myself as just a caregiver that is here for the children I guess because I knew they would not be staying long term. I just felt like a babysitter. Now it is different, I suppose.

The two children I have now, I knew before taking them that hopefully I will get to adopt them, eventually. They were placed with me Sunday 8/21 so it's only been 4 days. Well, the 5 yo boy had his first temper tantrum last night. (I was told prior to his placement that he does have some anger mgmt issues but had not seen anything until last night.) I asked him numerous times to get into bed, stated to him that is was bed time, and just got a blank stare. He would not communicate with me and just defiantely refused to do what I was asking of him. He absolutely refused to go to bed and started kicking, screaming and crying. I kept asking him why he was acting like this, what was he mad about? No response. So when I went to leave the room to let him work his tantrum through, he just exploded even more. At one point, I left the room, closed the door and stood in the hallway, he then opened the door and continued his fit.

It eventually took me about 15 minutes to get the whole situation resolved, but man, this was my first experience with this type of situation and it has left me a bit overwhelmed to say the least!

This child is receiving therapy services so I have emailed his therapist to inquire on how to appropriately help him through these instances...but I'm still a little nerved by the whole experience.

Long story short, I guess I just needed to get this out and could use some support from others as to how to handle these situations. I am a single foster-parent and thus have no other support at home. Any and all comments/suggestions are more than welcome!

Thanks for helping!

[Withay]

First, welcome to the boards. I too am a single foster mom. I work mostly with infants and toddlers, but am certified for up to age 5.

Please know that it was nothing you did that triggered this outburst. It could be that he is testing the waters to see what you will do when he misbehaves. It may also be that he is beginning to feel comfortable enough with you to let his feelings out. My gut feeling is that it is the result of his being afraid about what has been happening.

Have they been in care before? Are they coming from the bios home, or from shelter or another foster home? If it is the latter, why were they moved?

Anyway, please know that you can always come to these boards to ask questions, vent or whatever. Someone here will be able to relate and give you some of the best wisdom you will ever hear.

Blessings,

Dbl L

[dadfor2]

welcome to the forum.....

my mind went racing when i was reading your post.

i guess the first point that i like to make, and im going to quote some things so you know where i am coming from and maybe give you some ideas to think about

I kept asking him why he was acting like this, what was he mad about? No response.

well, a couple of things...
he is only 5 yrs old, and he doesnt have the words yet, so i will tell you what he is probably mad about..
"i dont want to live here, i want my mommy, i dont know who you are..i want to go home!!!!!!!!"

rememberr these kids were uprooted from their birthfamilies, they should be angry and mad, even if it was a neglected/abusive home, thats the only home they had.

my suggestion is help him with his words...his feelings....hes anger is because he is scared...who can blame him. so i would start labeling his feelings for him. try to understand what just happened to him and how you also might feel

just defiantely refused to do what I was asking of him. He absolutely refused to go to bed and started kicking, screaming and crying.

this is about control...he needs to feel some control over his caotic life...a child can only think in terms of black and white...gray is hard for them.

so he feels that if he gives up his control, he will die...its that simple....this is going to take quite a while before this behavior changes...he needs to know he can trust you, and be there for him, and i hate to say this, but time is the only thing that can help in some situations....

At one point, I left the room, closed the door and stood in the hallway, he then opened the door and continued his fit.

at this point and time....here is my suggestion...stay with him in his room while he is tantruming...dont close the door....and dont say much....try to understand why he is tantruming..and maybe say "its ok"..

he needs to get his anger out....as long as he is keeping safe...in time you can work with him on develping new ways to handle his anger, but he doesnt trust you right now.

the fact that he opened the door, and saw you there, and started his fit again, there could be a number of things going on with him..he could be testing you to see if you still will be there, he could be testing you to see if you can handle his rages, he could of felt safer to let his anger out more, once he saw you there...

It eventually took me about 15 minutes to get the whole situation resolved, but man,

dont be surprised, that the more comfortable he gets, the duration of these tantrums will last longer, i know, something you didnt want to hear....

but then when they start trusting and get the structure and routine in their lives, the tantrums do eventually get less and less again.

it's only been 4 days

this is the biggest thing you said!!!!!!! it does take time, and can take a long time for some kids, it took my younger son about 2 yrs to finally feel he can trust us and we arent going anywhere....

the biggest thing for these kids is consitancy....if he does this..then this happens....like automatic pilot. he will eventually get it...

hang in there...use these forums to vent vent vent vent.....some of these kids in the system are tough, but they do come around with proper attachment parenting, and lots and lots of love and acceptance.

welcome to the forums, i know this place saved my family when we had our children come...

dbl quoe:
Please know that it was nothing you did that triggered this outburst
i couldnt agree more with DBL posts...and this sentence, always keep in the back of you mind while your child is tantruming...

[dadfor2]

oh, i posted this on another thread...it might help you

refrigerator guidelines

[SnglFmom]

Thanks for the encouraging words! yes, these two have been in and out of care a couple times. They are from a set of 4 siblings, the two other sibs have been placed with family members, but the family chose not to take these two, too much work is what I was told. Plus the fam members are older (Grams and Great Aunt). I had the oldest 9 yr old girl in my care for 3 days, that is how I got aquainted with these two. All four came into care back in April, the 9 yr old went home 3 days later, the 4 yr old girl went to relative back in May/June. My two have been in one foster home since April. They were moved to my home because the other home was a temporary home, not foster/adopt. DFCS has filed for non-reunification (court date is 9/14) and will be going for TPR shortly thereafter.

As far as responding to dadfor2, I have emailed his therapist because I did realize last night that he probably is unable to communicate his feelings. I also talked with L (5 yo) this morning about his anger briefly and suggested that maybe next time he gets angry we could try drawing a picture to help him express himself. He is a very bright 5 yo.

I know I'm in for one heck of a roller coaster ride, but for brief moment last night I felt like jumping off ! I realize that it has only been 4 days for him but it has only been 4 days for me as well. Every time children change from my home, I feel (and know) that I'm starting all over as well. As they're getting to know me, I too am getting to know them. I think that is one of the most mentally exhausting parts of being a fp. I've been doing this since March and have had 6 placements including these two. But at the end of the day, I know it's what I signed up for.

Anyway, thanks for the support and please keep it coming, I have been reading these forums for about a month now prior to signing up. It's been very resourceful to read about others issues, experiences and happy endings. I never thought I would be sharing my tribulations but here I am!

[dadfor2]

I know I'm in for one heck of a roller coaster ride, but for brief moment last night I felt like jumping off !

boy do i know that feeling!!!!!!!!

i felt like jumping off quite a few times.....hang in there..some of these kids really make you feel like your losing your mind.....

[SnglFmom]

So I'm learning (may lose my mind)! I know if nothing else, I will definitely learn a new level of patience!

[IowaGirl515]

I was in your shoes about three weeks ago. S was having MAJOR tantrums daily.. usually 2-3. A month later, we're down to what I'd call "regular" 6 yr old tantrums periodically and the major meltdowns maybe 2-3 times a WEEK. (phew!)

We just allowed her to let it out. She had just been removed with cops there and everything. She had experienced so much. We've really learned what "Triggers" her.. mainly just being dead tired.

Before she went back to school, we insisted she take naps or at least lay down for an hour to rest. We also have a VERY strict schedule we adhere to. We also give countdown minutes.. you have 30, 15, 5, 3 minutes left until bedtime routine starts. If I forget to start the countdown she always asks.

I'm also a BIG believer in star charts/ reward systems. About a week in I researched different behaviors for star charts and developed one that is specific for S. Then, every day, she is "graded" on her behaviors.. she gets a star, happy face, even face, or sad face. When she has a bad day, she'll openly say "I think I should get an even face for today". She'll even tattle on herself... last night at bathtime she had not shut the water off after I'd asked her to. I was about ready to put the star on the chart and she told me she didn't earn a star today! lol

For the tantrum issue, even if she does have a mild tantrum or two, that's such a big improvement she gets a star. We don't expect perfect behavior... we expect her to start to have better behavior. It also helps to let her know what behaviors are important and to focus on.

Hang in there... once he gets used to the boundaries and structure he will hopefully start to calm down. I totally agree w/ the other posters... it's all about him. As for him opening the door, what a turd! He's totally in control of that tantrum and is testing you.

WHICH reminds me... when S starts to have a major meltdown, we ask her to "choose [her] behavior". She can choose to throw the tantrum (and then have to spend time in her room or time out to calm down or choose to discuss what's wrong and fix it. As another person mentioned, they really don't have the words to always communicate what's wrong. I could tell she was mad once and couldn't get it out.. I asked her if she just felt like going grrrrrrr! (frustration/ anger) She started giggling and said that's right!!!

[SnglFmom]

Iowagirl515:

Thank you for suggesting the chart/reward system. I've found a couple on the internet and will start implementing them this evening! I'm so new to this whole parent thing that who knew such resources were out there, but it makes sense.

I've lost some of my anxiety thanks to you all...now I know I can home this evening and hope that it will be a better one than last night.

[IowaGirl515]

Originally Posted by SnglFmom

Iowagirl515:

Thank you for suggesting the chart/reward system. I've found a couple on the internet and will start implementing them this evening! I'm so new to this whole parent thing that who knew such resources were out there, but it makes sense.

I've lost some of my anxiety thanks to you all...now I know I can home this evening and hope that it will be a better one than last night.

I'm a 1st timer too. :-)

There were a lot of different charts out there... but none of them quite fit what I needed. I ended up using a spreadsheet program to tailor make mine and it worked well.

Is your little one starting kindergarten?

[Kate1129]

I would like to suggest you read the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay

It's a great book!!!

The best way to avoid the trantrum at bed time is instead of telling him it's bed time give him some sort of choice. Example:

You may choose to go to bed now or in 2 minutes.

Or

You may go to bed with the nightlight or without.

Either way he knows he has to go to bed.

In the book it teaches you how to avoid "fighting words". When you give a command or even suggestion it causes them to dig their heals in and be defiant just because they can.

Give him just a bit of control. When giving them some control you infact gain control. Just be sure when you give him 2 choices it's 2 that you can live with. I have been doing it with my 2 foster kids and in 3 days time it's made a HUGE HUGE change!!!

I can't reccomend this book enough!!!!

[teachtofost]

I love Love and Logic. I use it with my third graders. I can't add anything that the others haven't, but welcome you and want you to know that we all feel like "jumping off" sometimes. The act of caring fot and loving another person's child as foster parents can be daunting. With my first placement, I always worried because they were raised without any structure or expectations for behavior. I worried about being to rigid. Last year I learned in my class though that children who have had no structure in their lives learn to like it and trust it very quickly. The more detailed and consistent the better. This is difficult with foster care. The visits and appointments make it difficult, but keeping routines and bedtimes and meal times and expectations the same as much as possible helps children tremedously to settle into a new home. It takes weeks though.

I'm also like you. I love and depend on the support and information that I get from this group. Every time I come here I feel that I am not alone even when I don't post.

[SnglFmom]

Update!

Just thought I would give all an update. It has been 5 days now since I initially posted my thread. I got great feedback from all of you. Much much thanks! "L" has since had three more tantrums, Friday evening (one in which I lost it and started crying myself--keep in mind this was after two nights of no sleep due to my 2 yr old). This one lasted 40 minutes (dadfor2, you were right, they do get longer!) and I was just at my wits end and extremely sleep deprived. However, we managed to resolve it and off to bed he went. The second one was Saturday afternoon and lasted about 5-10 minutes. At this point, I realized, the soft nature-tone I was using just wasn't working. It was time for me to toughen up. I decided to tell L that I just wasn't going to tolerate this kind of behavior, he did not treat his previous foster parents this way and I was not going to be treated this way either. We managed to resolve and went about our day. Third one was on Sunday. This required me to get even tougher and implement the time-out system. I put him in a chair, set the timer and explained AGAIN, how I was not going to put up with this type of behavior. We did have to add on a few minutes because he was not co-operating initially. It finally took me saying, "I'm not adding on any more minutes, apparently I need to start taking one toy away at a time." Guess that got his attention because we finished our timeout (finally after 10 minutes) and the rest of the day went smoothly. He even came to me in the evening and gave me three hugs and a kiss.

How is it that they can be such heathens one minute and angels the next? I'll never know. But anyway, teachtofost was right, it seems "that children who have had no structure in their lives learn to like it and trust it very quickly. The more detailed and consistent the better". He has since responded much better to the strict discipline.

Now for the 2 yr old: she was not sleeping through the night (which she DID previously) and little miss independent would not stay in her room (she's not in a crib). Well, let me tell you, the solution to that is those magical door knob covers and cutting back on nap time. I have since had three nights of MUCh needed sleep as well as little "B" getting the needed sleep she needs.

So, one week down with these two, and I'm optimistic that the 2nd week will be better. I sure do hope so! Thanks again for all the support! Now my next conquer: pottytraining!

[Kate1129]

Keep it up!! You're doing great!!!!!

[dadfor2]

SnglFmom

heres an idea on 'time outs'....IMO

try to keep in the back of your mind, what your using the time out for...and its to have the child calm...

here is what we do...

"ok 'billy', you need to go in the 'time out' chair (which is in another room from the playroom/tv room, where the incident is coming from)

"NO!"

"ok, when i count to three, (i know alot dont approve of the 'counting method' but it works for us), if you choose not to go in your time out chair, i will have to add more minutes"

then i SLOWLY start to count....starting with 1..the minute he gets up, i stop counting...i dont count while he is running/walking to time out. he is doing what i am asking...not happy about it, but he is moving... ..so i stop counting.

as he sits, billy is usually 'screaming' in the chair....all i say is
"i will set the timer when you settle down so its your choice on how long you want to be in time out "

i do not engange with him, i dont tell him to be quiet, i dont tell him much, i try to get away from any power struggles....once in a while, i will remind him that when he chooses to calm down, i will start the timer...but i keep that to a minuium

i dont add minutes while he is screaming in the chair...at this point, i feel its his choice to stay in longer.....

then when he calms down, i let him sit in his time out chair till i feel he is calm.....(it could be a minute, it could 5 minutes...i dont really keep to the standard of 'minute per age'....only because for me, the only reason he went into time out, was because he was getting to excited...and i wanted him to be calmer....so if he achieves what i want, then we all win!!!!!

then i talk to billy, and ask him if he knows why he was in time out....

billy says "no"

"well, then you can stay here a little longer until you are ready to talk about it." and i walk away...

then he yells "ok..i want to talk"

then he says "because i hit susie"

then i say "and was hitting the best way to solve the problem?"

"no"

"and you know that hitting is wrong, and we use our words in this family, so go and apologise to suzie"

"no"

"ok, then you can stay here longer till your ready to apologise"

blah blah blah....they do eventually get it.

this goes for cursing, hitting, not eating at the dinner appropriately....blah blah blah...

any behavior i want to change with my kids, this is what i have been doing....

at dinner, if he is not behaving, i actually give him a choice to either sit at the table or eat alone in his room.....i wont take his food away from him.

anyway
at first, they would be in time out for quite a while.....but i had to keep my eyes on the prize...

now they now what to expect, the tantrums are less in duration, and they actually go to time out much quicker.

for me, i always remember what the goal is, and that is i want them to calm down...

but thats what i do with the timeouts..i dont keep to the 'minute per age' stuff....they are there until they calm down.

however, if i do end up giving them more minutes, then i do keep them in there for that.... ...well, not really, i usually haggle the timer a little, but they dont know about it..... again, its about them getting a hold of themselves and calming down.

just wondering how others do time outs also....ive done so many different ways...but this way seem to work the best for my kids....i did do 123 majic for a while, that worked, i just put my own spin on that..