[Withay]

I originaly posted this on the Social Worker and Therapist forum. Thought I'd get more response putting it here for those who have experience with this type of situation.

I have a 15 month-old fd who has been in my care from 09/24/04 - 02/08/05 and from 04/11/05 to the present time. From 02/08 - 04/11 she was placed with a relative (uncle & aunt - brother of bio-mom). She was removed from their home at their request because they said she was "too difficult". M is normally a very easy-going, smiling little girl. Apparently at the relatives home she fussed quite a bit and mom didn't keep up with the agreed upon visitation schedule. Reunification with mom is tentatively scheduled for mid-September.

Fast forward to last week. M has a 2-hour visit with mom on Monday's and Friday's from 2:15 - 4:15. After the visits she is usually tired and wants to eat dinner and go to bed early. I understand this quite well as it is late in the day and she gets exhausted playing with mom.

Anyway, last Monday after visit M started showing signs of agitation. On Tuesday she started pinching herself between her thumbnail and fingernail until she left little bruises all over her torso. She only pinches her torso. This is very out of character for M so I watched her really closely and told her that doing that was a 'no-no', that I was not going to let her hurt herself.

At the same time M also started hitting herself in the head with her hands and lashing out (hitting and kicking) at other people (especially me). Redirecting her helped quite a lot when she started this.

On Friday she had her regular visit. When I picked her up mom said "watch out, she bit me twice today". M is not a biter. The only time she has even offered to bite anyone was just after she returned to my care from the relatives and she had just gotten her first tooth. I told her no and she never offered again.

M went to sleep in the car on the way home (normal) and when we got home I brought her in the house and let her play while I fixed dinner. It took her about 45 minutes to eat and then she indicated that she was tired (yawning and rubbing eyes). I changed her to her night diaper and pj's and followed our normal bedtime routine of rocking her and singing to her. She didn't want to be rocked so we cut that a bit short. When I went to lay her down she started lashing out by hitting, kicking and screaming that lasted 3-1/2 hours. Usually she goes right down without a fuss. I was putting her to bed at her normal time (7:00 PM). When she finally went to sleep she slept fitfully and awoke screaming (literally shrieking) 3 or 4 times. When I would go to her she did not appear to be in pain or afraid. The look in her eyes was pure anger.

Over the weekend it was commented to me that her 'sweetness is slipping'. M had another visit yesterday and seemed to do more like her normal routine for after visit.

I contacted my certifier yesterday morning and explained what was going on and she was quite concerned because she knows M and her usual behavior. I also called M's caseworker and left a message for him to please call me.

When the cw called today I explained everything to him and told him that I was concerned about M's behavior. He agreed that it was highly unusual for her to behave this way (she never has in the past). Then he told me that it sounded like she really needed to be placed back with mom asap. There is a TDM (Team Decision Meeting) scheduled for later this week and then court within the next two weeks. He wants to begin the unsupervised visits after the court date and then do a couple of overnight visits (mom works graveyard) and then move M home.

When M first came into care her mom never missed a visit. After she completed her parenting classes and drug / domestic violence classes she missed 7 out of 13 visits. The visits are scheduled at a time of mom's request. Her usual reason for missing / cancelling is that she is 'too tired'.

Two weeks ago, on Friday she called 15 minutes before the visit was scheduled (I was already over 1/2 way there - visits are in the next town over from where I live) and said that she had gotten hurt at work that morning so she wouldn't be there. On Monday she said that she got hurt 4-wheeling at the beach over the weekend.

Another time she said that she was too tired because she had just worked a 36-hour straight shift. She is a nurses aide at a nursing home. I used to do that and I, nor anyone else in the medical field that I asked has ever heard of a nurses aide working that type of a shift. The next visit day she said that the reason she had missed the prior visit was because she had gotten hurt at work.

Mom also knows that if she misses 2 visits in a row nothing will happen, but that if she misses 3 then there will be no more visits. She frequently misses 2, but never the 3rd. She also knows just what to say to the cw to keep him thinking everything is going great. What she tells him (from what he relays to me during our conversations) is usually 180 degrees off from what she tells the visit worker and me.

His main reason for doing reunification, as he has put it to me is that mom is doing okay, has an apartment and a job. He has also expressed to me that he is not sure that reunification is the best thing for M. At one point he asked me if I would consider being a permanent resource for M when (not if) she comes back into the system. In fact, counting him there have been 6 DHS workers (supervisors, certifiers & caseworkers) who have all asked me if I would adopt her when (again, not if) she comes back into care.

My question is, do you think this is a reasonable timeline for reunification? I have said all along that I will support what is best for M - whether she is reunified with mom, or is put up for adoption.

Please understand, I do like her mom and talk with her at every visit. We have a very good relationship and I would love for things to work out for her and M. I am just concerned for M's welfare.

Thanks for any input.

Dbl L

PS: I have an appointment scheduled with her pediatrician for 09/08, the earliest they could fit her in.

[clynn]

I felt like I was reading about my fd's mom when I read your post.I know exactly what you are going through.My fd's are supposed to be home already and mom has unsupervised visits 2 to 3 nights a week that so far she has not taken advantage of.She always has some excuse and forgets what she told me and tells a different story when she finally does show up to get the girls.I talked to cw today and she said mom told her she was getting the kids every weekend. She was surprised to hear the truth but told me maybe she would do better when her home inspection passes where she can take them to her house.It seems they always take up for the bios no matter what they do or don't do.I have 5 kids right now 4 yrs old and under and am close to going crazy.I told cw that I don't want to have any of them moved but unless they go home soon I may have to to keep my sanity.

[dadfor2]

dbl

wow....i have no words

it seems there could be two things going on...

1. she is regressing because she is being pulled from her mother, and gets angry at you and her mother for that and being pulled.

or

2. she is just so traumitised being with her mother, that she gets angry because you keep sending her to her...

i have no words of wisdom, i wish i did.

when these kids appear to be in limbo, they just have a hard time being themselves, and their guards are up.

sounds like she is a very angry little girl, and who can blame her....the poor thing

my heart goes out to you and all involved. let us know how it turns out...