[IowaGirl515]

We've been dealing with S's tantrum issues since day one.. old story. Over the past few weeks, we have witnessed an escalation of violence from her.. mostly directly at the pets, but also once at me in the form of a slap across my face when I was discussing with her why she was in timeout.

In the last week, she has bit my DH to the point of almost drawing blood (kicking and scratching at the same time), shoved J across the floor, and try to injure my pets several times.

She had a visit with Dad, Mom, and Dad's Mom (Gma) today at Gma's house. Within the first hour of being home, she tried to squeezed my cat to the point of almost killing it. (My DH heard the cat scream from outside!) Two hours later, her sister was swinging and she was standing on top of her with her feet on either side of J's neck squeezing her neck with J clawing at her neck. She later attacked ANOTHER cat while I was in the bathroom. All of this in a few minute time span.. usually when I go to the bathroom or go to answer the phone. Always in a few minute gap when my back is turned. We've watched her like a HAWK and she seems to wait for these few moments to pop up.

One of the scariest parts is that she thinks it's FUNNY to hurt others. It's actually very scary to me and definitely above my parenting skills.

I just can't handle her anymore and made the call to DHS to ask for disruption. I think her problems are far above what we can handle and actually on the list of the behaviors we did NOT want in our home.. harming pets being on the TOP of the list. Her sw thinks it may be better for her to be an only child or youngest child.

I just feel like I've failed this child.. but yet, I feel like I'm also sticking to my guns knowing what we can and can't handle. After more discussion with my DH, S's behavior and aggression issues were at the heart of his wanting to quit fc this week.

What are my other options? Ideas? I realize this behavior is what she's probably used to seeing... but against her sister? *tear*

[aMarylandfamily]

... is the most heartwrenching of feelings ... but if (and I believe you are correct!) necessary it is something that you must not change your mind on. Sometimes a "match" no matter how perfect it seems just doesn't work out ... and you may never know why she reacts with violence towards your pets, other children, yourself or even herself - something just is not working and may need escalated professional care to resolve and will most likely be a long-time/long-term evolution.

So - what you are feeling is normal and the grief that will follow is normal too - just take it one day at a time, one step at a time ... and whatever you do - share with your family your feeling - talking helps even when painful ... and don't change your mind - many in your shoes let guilt decide to "give it one more try" ... and I think you have done that ... it is ok ... even when it feels it's not right now.

Keep posting - and know those of us here who have experienced this first hand can help and guide you ... when you are ready!

[AmyAnne]

I am so sorry, Iowa. I know you are NOT a horrible foster parent. By ANY stretch of the imagination. This is just not a good fit for your family. It's not your fault. It's not her fault. It just didn't work out. I know you did not make the decision easily, but you do not have a safe situation going here. I think you've made the right decision. I know it's hard NOT to feel guilty.

Iowa, you have acted in S's best interest. You have realized that this is not something you are equipped to handle and by doing so, S can find someone who is.

HUGS to you. You failed nobody. You did your job and you did it well.

[waiting home]

Please do not let yourself feel like a failure.

We were in your shoes too but with a teen who did these awful things and thought they were funny. When she started going after my kids, that was it, NO MORE.

Please keep these points in mind as you process this disruption:

1. This is your 1st placement

2. This is the girls 1st placement (right?) There are some very raw issues to deal with in 1st placements.

3. No one has history on these girls yet, you were on the front line of the battle here and saw things as they unfolded. There was no way for you to know, up front, what these children were going to be like. No one knew. The affects of trauma are very ugly and unpredictable.

4. There are therapeutic foster homes for these types of behaviors and that takes a lot more training, experience and desire to work with these dangerous issues. Believe it or not, there are people who willing accept and seek out these challenges. Let the professionals handle this. If you had an interest in TFC (therapeutic foster care) I'd say by all means get the training. But, I'll tell ya, we received the training and still we had to admit, TFC was not for our family.

5. Always, always, go with your intuition. Try not to second guess yourself and, like the other poster said, all too often we "give it another chance," and more times than not, regret that decision because we did not listen to our heart. Do not be afraid to make the decision. It will be okay.

6. Most important, did you do your best? That's all anyone will ever ask of you. It takes a very strong person to speak up and say what are their strengths and what they just cannot handle.

7. This is why we were all given special, unique talents. How boring life would be if we all had the same capabilities, we wouldn't need each other!!

8. As a foster mom who has been there, I strongly support and admire your decision to do what is best for THE CHILD and not YOUR ego. Sometimes FPs won't let go and let someone else take over because they feel they will be judged a failure. Far from the truth.

9. The child deserves the best treatment she can get and the sibling deserves a chance for sis to get better too.

10. Not sure if you are a religious person or not (so do not mean to offend) but this may be all God needs for you to do for this child. Your work with her may be done; but trust me, there is plenty more ahead.

Hope some of this helps. Just realize you are going to go up and down, back and forth with your decision (even weeks after she is gone) and that's normal. But know that you did FIRST AND FOREMOST what is right for the child.

Prayers and hugs for your family tonight.

[IowaGirl515]

I've been doing so much soul searching over what to do about S over the past week... it's been such a struggle to make the decision. 90% of the time she's wonderful.. 5% of the time she does the rotten things every 6 yr old does and finally 5% of the time she does things that just downright scare me.

Waiting home.. the sw thinks placement in a therapeutic home will be best for her. S is responding to consistency and boundaries. The problem with our home is that she has targets (our pets and more recently her sister) for the anger she's feeling about her situation. I "get" what's wrong with her and I feel deeply for her. I do care about her. I realize that what she's been thru would make life tough on ANY child.

She was doing the absolute best (which could have been honeymoon period as well) when I was staying home from work. (I took three weeks off when they were placed.) With CONSTANT supervision and CONSTANT direction, we have seen improvement. Constant meaning the only time I was out of sight was bathroom visits. Unfortunately, that high of a level of supervision is not what we can do right now. We can't even leave her alone in another room to play if we want to cook a meal because she'll hurt the pets and as of late, her sister.

I'm always afraid to turn my back for a minute because she seems to wait for the opportunity to do something and then goes after the pets.. which is downright scary to me. You can actually sit back and watch her stalking the pets and keeping track of where they are in the room. Our family room is on a lower level and I've turned around on the stairs and seen her do a beeline to the cat or dog as soon as she thinks the coast is clear.

Also, the level of pain she's inflicting is increasing. Our black lab actually had to growl and nip at her on Friday to get her off of him. DH had went outside to get J and walked into S having her arms around the neck of our lab, turning and twisting his ears. He was whining and crying and then finally snapped at her b4 DH got to her to get her off.

And part of me says.. maybe she KNOWS how much the pets mean to me and maybe she's inflicting the pain on them to get at ME. I just dunno.

As for doing our best.. we're constantly searching for ways to help her. But we are first time parents. Our sw actually commented how wonderfully we're doing with the girls considering the issues we've been dealing with... I'm just at the bottom of my talent bucket and don't think I have the training, time, and experience this precious girl needs.

[wish41more]

Iowa,
I am so sorry you are faced with this situation. I cannot offer much advice as I am new to all of this myself but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you always have the support here. I honestly don't know how I would have handled the past couple of weeks with out this site and all of the wonderful people who offer advice and support! I agree that you need to do what is best for you and your dh right now. It will be hard but you can't force it if it's not the right "match". You did a great thing taking these girls in. You gave S your all and you are a couragious person for doing that!
Keep comming here, my dh teases me all the time bc everytime I walk into our bedroom I sit down at the computer. Really, I would be lost with out this support system.
Good luck.
BTW, waiting home, I love what you wrote for number 7!

[Hunter's Mom]

I had an emergency placement that everyone wanted to change to a long-term placement. We got along with the bios (mom & grandparents - 1 dad was in prison & 1 dad was out of the picture) & the 2 yo boy was fine. It was the 5 year old who kicked & bit & scratched that I could not handle - the 2 & 3 hour tantrums. When he started going after my 7 yo who is MR, I was done. The 2 yo started the same pattern after his honeymoon period was up also. For the last 2 weeks they were here, J & Q had to be glued to my side - everything I did, they did - everywhere I went, they went. It was horrid for them & for me.
They moved the end of May & I talked to their grandmother last week - they are thriving. The docs changed J's meds & the new foster mom was more insistent that he see his psychiatrist more than once a month. They are both now also in counseling with mom. If mom would just get a job & keep it, they could go home in the next month or so.

It does not keep me from feeling guilty, but it does ease the pain to know that they are being helped better by someone else. KWIM?

Christy

[shycar]

Iowa I feel for you. Our first placement was also very hard. We had a 7 yr old girl, a 5yr old boy and a 3 yr old girl. They boy had lots and lots of anger issues. They were moved in 2 months to 4 homes not including ours. We should have realized it was going to be hard with the move, but we were new. The sw showed us pictures of the little boy after b-mom was done with her style of disapline. It was horrible. The second day at our house he had horrible tantrums. He would throw things and kick, punch. He would scratch himself. Bang his head hard on the wall and windows. Later we found out that he has ramed himself through a glass door one time. We had to take down the closet doors and get rid of any furniture in his room except for his bed. Sometimes after a tantrum his bed would be on the other side of the room. These tantrums would last hours and happened about 2 or 3 times a week. The good thing was he was not hurting others or the animals. Actually when he would start feeling bad he would go hug my Lab and he would calm down. Becouse he was not harming others or the pet we decided to stick with it, but it was hard. Very hard. We finally pushed for therapy and he got the medication he needed and he turned out to be a different child. After they went home we were scared to take another child. We had to take a break and then took only babies for some times until our cw convinced us to take and older child. She turned out to be great.

Do not blame yourself you need to protect your family first and that includes your pets. If he was hurtful to our dogs or his sisters we would have had him moved. We also do not take children that like to hurt animals or other children. It something we can not handle to well. Good luck with everything and I hope things turn out right for you and your family.

[hubbyswife]

Don't worry.... Our 2nd placement we asked to move.... we didn't decide lightly either.... we were not ready for a 10 yr old.....