[wish41more]

Here's a shortened version of the story.

We got G 2 days ago. He's almost nine months old and we are his FOURTH home! From 0-2 months he was in care. Then went back to bios til 4 months. Then back into care from 4-8.5 months. His social worker is FINALLY going to recommend tpr at next hearing, in Nov so we are his fost-adopt home.
The problem is, he doesn't cuddle, wont let anyone hold his bottle, wont rest his head on our shoulder and hates to be rocked. I don't want to force him to do anything bc I know he's probably confused BUT the foster mom who had him told us all of these same things and she had him for almost 5 months. I'm worried he wont bond with us or that he'll never be a cuddler. Our family is sooooooo affectionate, it's driving me crazy!
ANy ideas???

[leaabc123]

Think about how many attachments this little boy has already had and lost. He has no idea who is going to be there for him each day.
Talk to a pediatrician, speak with a therapist who is knowledgable about attachment issues.

Will he let you wear him in a sling or carrier? That would help build attachments.

He may bond with you but may never be affectionate for a few reasons. His history or that may just be his temperament. Or he could become really affectionate after he learns how to trust. Can you live with and love a child who isn't cuddly?
Or, even more importantly, may have attachment issues?

At 9 months old, most babies are holding their own bottles and starting to feed themselves.

Talk to some folks and give it some time.

Good luck.

[leenab]

It took a while for our son Raj to bond with us. He's very active, VERY VERY active. So we thought that had something to do with it. It turned out he just needed some time. It took about 4 months for him to really bond and feel comfortable with hugs and getting rocked to sleep. Yes he loves getting rocked to sleep now, at 5 yrs old.

What it ended up being with Raj was anxiety issues and fear of getting hurt again. But once he realized we were going to be mommy & daddy forever it made a huge difference. Even adoption day itself changed Raj a lot.

Just spend as much time as possible with him, meet all of his needs and enjoy being his mommy.

It's very rare that children act the way we want them to.

[bjhv5]

Just give it time and let him know you will be there always!!

He is such a beautiful little guy.The first placement we had would not let you rock him and would not sit and cuddle at first before he left he would hug and cuddle.(He we to live with grandma but is back in care now)

Hang in there and remember there are counslers out there to help him.

Deb
bio mom to brett 17,Hilly 13,Veroncia 12 ,JJ (8/26/90-8/15/03)
fm to J 2,K 1, and S 1 week\

[waiting home]

. . . I would keep in mind that many of the symptoms you are describing could also indicate autism or somewhere on the austism spectrum.

Researching how to parent an autistic child could give you some wonderful strategies. Many overlap with attachment theories and interventions too.

Just wanted to give you another resource.

Hang in there!!! : )

[tybeemarie]

I would recommend that you read Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough, about parenting kids with attachment disorders. Very practical advice about how to help them heal. Also, the Attachment Disorder Network has a yahoo group that is just a godsend. You can see that you are not alone in your feelings and also you can see that there is hope. Here's the website: http://www.radzebra.org. Good luck!

[tlc4kidz]

Ask for a referral for an OT evaluation. My oldest and 3rd have sensory issues, and were similar to what you describe. SID often goes hand in hand with ADD. The younger you work with them, the better chances you have of integrating the senses to tolerate touch, sound, lights, etc.

[Kate1129]

It will take time! He has to learn to trust you.


Talk with a councelor, there may be some things you can do to encourage bonding (not force it).

[mlbsands]

We just got a new foster sone who is 14 months old (we got him at 12 months) we are his 3rd placement..

I also was worried that he was not cuddly (our 12 month old son is very cuddly) but we soon learned a few things.. 1. he has always been a little less cuddly (according to his longest placement) 2. he does seem to have some kind of sensory issue (mostly with taking his clothes on and off) 3. HE IS RESPONDING to our love and patience.. he is staring to come over for a hug (not long, but is doing it more). he wants to sit ou our lap.. he smiles when we come into the room.. he IS bonding.. he just had to learn to trust us first.. it has only been 2 months but we do see very positive changes.. )

Hang in there

Mandy

[dadfor2]

wooooo...slow down...its only been two days...

before you go jumping on 'whats wrong', try to understand where he is coming from.

he is 9 months old, and all he knows in 9 mo is that no one really sticks around...

having a child for only 2 days, is just not enough time for him to say 'ok, your really going to stick around, and the last few moms that i had were only kidding'

this little guy has lost alot.

seriously....it takes quite a while for children to trust after what they have been through.

so i guess i just wanted to stop in and say dont go looking for 'issues'....from what it sounds like, if its just the cuddlely stuff....that is very very 'normal' for a child that has had a couple of placements...and yes, birthhome being yanked out, is considered a placement.

he has learned in his short little life, that he has to care for himself....he is very young, give it time, im sure he will come around.

ill let you in on a little secret....i have never heard of any child, come into a new home, who have been through, with what some of our kids have been through...and just acted 'normal'....its a nice dream...but not really a reality.

so, IMO before anyone starts to DX this little guy, let him settle in first.....we are so quick to jump, when really, it could be that he doesnt know you guys from a hole in the wall.... ...

my question, why should he trust you?

give it time and see where it goes...dont force yourself on him...he needs to figure out who you are, and if your really going to stick around..and that takes time...and then slowly but surely, my guess is that he will start to come around and do those things...

hes only 9 months old and has had 4 placements... the poor little guy

[shycar]

I say give it some time. We got my 3yr old fs at 15months. He did not like to be kissed, huged, had no eye contact and when you held him he would not cuddle. He was moved a lot on his first year of life. He has lived with b-mom, b-grandma, friend, back with b-mom, b-father, b-aunt, back with b-mom, recieving home, then in our home. It took a year for him to really bond. After about 5 months he would let us start hugging him. Then a couple months past he would let us kiss him. Then about a year he started having eye contact. Now he loves to be hugged, kissed and loves to hug back and kiss back. He gets very upset when my dh leaves to work and he forgets to kiss and hug J good bye.

[waiting home]

if he is only 9-months old he has no perception of time and he does not really care who meets his needs right now as long as they are met. Children in day care facilities pass through more caregivers than even this little guys 4 placements.

And at 9 months, there's not much capacity for memory yet. Do you remember what happened to you at 9 months or your first year of life?

I would be keeping the sensory issues in the back of your mind. This is when they tend to start blossoming and alerting you to problems especially if there is no prenatal drug exposure, etc. If he was drug exposed, that's a whole other issue. Is he stiff and rigid? Do you have any history?

If the child is sensory sensitive, what is going to set him off is the new smells, new sounds, new environment. When that gets disturbed (or changed) the baby reacts.

And you do not need to dx in order to use the techniques for the symptoms he is experiencing. It is just helpful to have some strategies and some of these (for the dx's) are tried and true and successful for a lot of kids, problems or not.

[tlc4kidz]

I was basing my suggestion for an OT eval on the fact that he was in a home for 5 months and had the same behaviors. An eval is not invasive, mainly just play and observation. Truly, the earlier there is intervention the better the outcome. My gal needed OT for about 9 months, and then we learned things that would help her tolerate more touch, and also what set her into a tantrum. You probably could do this on your own by reading alot and observing over time, but there are people trained in this area. I feel like if there is something so easy you can do now to make this little guys life better a year from now it's worth it.

[leaabc123]

he is only 9-months old he has no perception of time and he does not really care who meets his needs right now as long as they are met. Children in day care facilities pass through more caregivers than even this little guys 4 placements.

And at 9 months, there's not much capacity for memory yet. Do you remember what happened to you at 9 months or your first year of life?

This is not accurate. Kids who go to daycare generally have a consistency of going home and waking up with the same people every day. There is a chance to attach and bond.
As far as memory goes, there may not be conscious memory going on but we do learn from those experiences. Studies have shown that an adult who suffers the death of a close loved one takes about 18 months to grieve while a child under 6 who loses a loved one can take up to 6 years to grieve (this grieving process can be exhibited in various ways from health issues to developmental issues).

Dadfor2 hit the nail right on the head. This child has no primary attachments. He already knows the world is not a safe place.
Give it some time but also consult doctors and therapists along the way.

[dadfor2]

waiting home...

actually they do have a memory...

when they get older, those memories are pushed back and constantly being replaced..their brains are still developing.....but memories can never be erased.

if you take two children....age 1 yrs old

one child was constantly being abused.

one child loved bunches and bunches

put them in the same room...and i have a feeling you can tell which child experienced the trauma.

take the same kids, then place the abused child in the home with the loving parent...

i would bet, in 1 yr, you can still tell which kid was abused and which one wasnt...it might be subtle difference...but you can tell.

then visit them in 10 yrs...can you still tell?...

yes, they might not remember, but the effects from it, has nothing to do with the detail memories.