[jandn]

I really agree with the "fake it until you make it". I really took it personally at first, every time she would reject me it hurt.

I made up my mind one day that being her mom was my "job". I became thorough and organized about it just like I would with any task I tackle. I scheduled time in every day to only offer food (bottle) from me, sling rides and skin to skin time. She decided if she was ready for it or not but I made sure to do it every day until my "job" was more of a joy than a routine.

Give yourself and your new little one time to bond.....when you least expect it one little smile will melt your heart and you'll be head over heels all over again.

[mckenna]

i am sure that this has already been says but never hurts to repeat it. make a lot of eye contact through out the day. my daughter does not seem to have attachment issues but after the experience i had with my son, i make sure she gets pleanty of eye contact through out the day. it is really one of the hardest things to get a child with attachment issues to do, but so important for them

[Kindreds]

It is normal behavior for an infant at 9 months to be afraid and shy around strangers. Unfortanately - at 2 days, you still are a stranger to your baby. The following are withing range. I would suggest you consult with your pediatrician for normal development and ask for a referral to a developmental specialist if the shyness and strangness continues beyond 3 to 4 months


6-9 months

Physical Mental Language Social
can sit unsupported
rolls over both ways
can stand if leaning on other object
points at objects
picks up small objects with thumb and finger
reaches accurately
can feed herself
can drink from a cup
gets up on all fours and rocks
studies objects
concentrates on one toy at a time
analyses what to do with her toy
understands the nesting of objects
understands an object might behind something
longer and more varied sounds
experiments with diffents volumes and pitches of sounds
makes 2-syllabled sounds
mimics facial expressions
exhibits moods with varied sounds and body movements
may be shy or afraid of strangers
responds to her name
raises arms to signal her wanting to be picked up
likes her reflection

[GAdreamer]

Babies do have memory...not in the sense that they remember what happened 2 days ago, but their bodies and body clocks remember things...My fd (5) was removed at age 4.5 months...we are her 20th home...she has severe rad despite having 3 placements that were around 10-11 months in length... I have spoken with several of her previous fp and we have all noticed that in the spring/early summer is when she usually has the most problems...Her first removal from bio was in the spring several others were about that time as well...We have consulted with several Attachment professionals and they have all confirmed that she is too young to have that memory, but her body/body clock remembers and starts sending her signals...

It'a only been two days......there are great suggestions for building attachment bonds with kids on the web...not all of them have to be touchy or so close in proximty (cuddling) at first...blowing bubbles, blanket swings, rubbing with lotion... things that help the child feel safe with you and build trust...even playing pickaboo with a towel or toy...it's going to take time for this child to learn that touch and attention "feels" good...hopeful in time he will come around... even if you are holding him while he self feeds his bottle and you are making good eye contact with him, maybe rubbing his cheek or touching his face or rubbing his foot or leg...over time youcan increase the closeness... also try to do this when it's just you and him so he's not distracted by the other kids...

It's been a year of these kind of exercises in attachment therapy with my fd and she now likes to cuddle on the couch on the weekends and looks forward to "cuddle time" with mommy every night...rocking in the chair with a book, music and me feeding her a bottle... still working on other issues like control and behavior but making progress ever so slowly.

[wish41more]

Hi there. How is everyone? I am doing better. Dh and I had a long talk on Sat and basically just made a "choice" to be comitted to this precious baby and love him forever. Even if we have to "fake it till we make it." I have to say though that just by talking to each other and comming to an agreement that we're making a choice to have a good attitude and love him, it has become much more of a natural feeling when I hug and kiss him. In return, I know he is not feeling us being stressed out anymore and he is much more relaxed with us! Yay! I spent some time in prayer over the weekend and I know that G is here with us for a reason, not by chance and that what we're doing would be pleasing to God. I feel so much better now. It's still hard but atleast I'm making progress. Also, I'm going to contact someone in our area that helps foster parents and their kids connect. I can't think of the name at the moment but I know they're out there!
Thanks again!

[mlbsands]

Hey.. I wanted to check in again and see how things were going.. Our foster/adopt son has been withg us since June 10th and we love him more each day.. it DOES take time and it will happen, especially if you make really spend the time to make it work (like you said you guys had decided to this weekend)

with our first adoption last year it also took me a while to totally feel like he was mine and we had bonded , adn he came to us at birth.. I think for some part of it is that you AND the baby are protecting yourselves..

And for most.. they don;t give themselves a break.. I know that it took me time (months) to "fall in love" with my husband, why would I not think this would be the same.. when you are pregnant you have months to "bond" with that baby - not everyone falls in love with a bio child when they first are born..

Anyway.. please keep talking about it and letting us know how its going..

mandy

[wish41more]

Thanks Mandy. I never thought about the time it takes to "fall in love" with your hubby. That's ag reat point. Also, when I had my bs I didn't fall in love right away. It wasn't the same feelings I'm having now bc I did have all the time I was pg to bond with him but it was hard. Dh actually just said the other day that maybe that's just how I'm going to feel at first with all our children, birth,foster,adopted, whatever. It seems the more I talk about it the more I remember how I felt with my bs and with our 1st placement M. I know it will get better. I know that if G wasn't suposed to be here than he wouldn't be and I know GOd would not want me to give up on him. Thanks for writing. This site has helped me so much!
How old is your fs? How are you feeling after 2 months compared to how you felt after 2 weeks? It's excatly 2 weeks for us today.

[mlbsands]

K is 14 1/2 months right now, we got him at 12 1/2 months.. I am feeling SOOOO much better now compared to then, but still have more bonding to do. ) We went to a reunion over the weekend for the baby home he was at for his 1st 10 months.. they even told me that he was not that "cuddly" with them then.. and commented just how much more he is doing that now.. He is a doll and smilies all the time.. but we are so much more bonded to Daniel (our son that we adopted last summer).. and I think that we tend to compare how we feel for Daniel to how we feel for K and that is not fair.. so we have tried not to do that and it has really helped.. the fact is that even with your bio kids you love them all differently (just as much, but different).

Hey.. if you ever want to email me privately just let me know... )

Mandy

[wish41more]

Well, I'm just drained! Physically & emotionally BUT I'm hanging in there. G got a BAD rash today and it took me 4 hours to find a dr to see him, bc of the medical. The 2 clinics in our area were "too busy"! NICE! So, I ended up at this nasty dr's office that gave me the creeps and he told me even though the throat culture was neg he was giving me medicine anyway bc it was probably strep. I felt soooooooo guilty for even taking G there bc of the dirty gross office and CREEPY dr that I couldn't even understand bc of his accent. He had no office staff either and kept leaving the office to answer the phone. It was weird! Like I was in a bad dream. He sent me off with another throat culture and told me to take it to the hospital lab and they would give me the results in a couple days. WHAT! So, after all that I ended up at my bs' pediatrician where I paid for the visit in full. It's nothing I wouldn't have done for my bson and I felt like the creepy dr didn't know what the heck he was talking about. Soooooooo, G has Rosiola (sp?) where you get the fever then it goes away then a couple days later you get this God aweful rash. I knew it wasn't strep! Mother's intuition. :-) I'm so glad I took him to my sons dr. Tonight was very stressful. G didn't want to be on the floor, didn't want to eat or have a bottle and I we try to hold him to comfort him he pushes us away so we basically just tried to keep him occupied until bed time. Hopefully we wont be up too much tonight.

Mandy, yes I'd love an email buddy. Pm me and we'll exchange.:-)
Good night.

[wish41more]

Forgot to mention.......I contacted the program in our area for support with bonding and attachment issues and we should start therapy next week. I'm really looking forward to it!

[tybeemarie]

Just wanted to drop a note to say it's so wonderful to see how you and the baby are doing! It will be hard, but over time there will be more (comparatively) easy days than hard ones. Keep posting!

[wish41more]

Ok, Honestly, I AM GIVING THIS MY ALL! Everything I have. I am trying so hard to feel love for this baby. I have felt some loving feelings for him in the past couple of days but most days I just wake up thinking "what did I get myself into"!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream! I never thought FINALLY having a baby in the house would make me depressed! Am I normal?
Please respond. I NEED encouagement today!
Thank you.

[shycar]

Im sorry you are having a hard day. I believe that it will get better. He just needs time and so do you. I felt a lot how you do with your little guy. When I went to pick up our little guy I thought, what an ugly little baby boy. He was sooo thin, his cheeks were sunked in. He had bucked teeth. His hair is sooo white you could not see his eyelashes and eyebrows. He would not let us hold him, cuddle him, or hug him. He had no eye contact. When you tell him no and redirect him he would have huge tantrums. They happened all the time. He did not know how to eat. He was 15 months old and has never had solid food, just the bottle. So when you feed him he would gag and throw up everything. I used to wake up saying what have I done. He is not meant for us. Well 2 years have gone and I am sooo happy I did not give up. He is a differnt child. We love him soooo much and he loves us. He loves hugs and kisses. He is a very happy boy. Im soo happy he is in our lives.

It takes time. It is hard. I used to cry a lot. I used to feel soo guilty for not loving our little guy at first. I thought I was a horrible person. Now I realize he needed time to learn to trust again. To learn how to love and accept love. Now he is sooo loving. I think you are doing well. You have loving feeling for him and that is a start. Just keep doing what your doing and in time you will see things will get better.

Good Luck
Shycar

[tybeemarie]

Hang in there! You are not alone in not having the warm fuzzies right away. It can take time, for him but also for you. That is the difficulty and beauty of fostering and foster-adopting: loving as an act of will. It is hard to do, but it is a transformative experience. For me, prayer is very helpful. I am a big old lefty yet old fashioned Catholic girl, so for me, the prayer of the Sacred Heart of Jesus helps me feel peace and over time it has in fact changed my heart. I don't know what your faith tradition is, so I hope I do not offend! I am not suggesting you to convert to Catholicism, just that you find what part of your spiritual life will help you in this time of intense spiritual growth. Know that we are here to support you and now how you feel. Keep in mind also that babies as a group can be very tedious and draining and annoying. Also beautiful and endearing and touching and amazing and always a blessing. But tedious, draining, and annoying all the same (this is why I'm adopting older kids, LOL!). I think all mothers of infants ask themselves, WHAT have I done? Very funny reading on that subject can be found in Ann Lamott's book, Operating Instructions. (Her very best work is about spirituality called Traveling Mercies.) I'll be praying for you!

[mlbsands]

Just keep reminding yourself that a realtionship take TIME... ) You need to relax and let it happen.. you cannot force it.. be patient and know that it is OK to take time to fall in love.. How is your husband feeling with all this??

Mandy