[leaabc123]

Do an online search for the Maya wrap. They have gotten consistently good reviews.

[tlc4kidz]

I got my NOJO at Babies R Us...and I love it, but it's probably one of the ones you returned since it's the easiest to find. It took some practice to use, but I even love it for my toddlers!

I'm glad someone mentioned that, because it is WONDERFUL for helping with bonding .

[wish41more]

Thanks! I ordered a maya sling last night. I can't wait to get it.
G is doing a little better. He fell asleep on me at church this morning. THat's huge since he usually wont even rest his head on us! He's been very tired too, sleeping much more than his former foster mom said he does. Poor thing is probably so stressed. I think I read some where that babies sleep more when they're feeling stressed. :-(
All of your input has really helped a lot. I just needed some reassurance that I'm not the only one! :-)

[leaabc123]

I will also second what others have already said, just because a child behaves one way in a home does not mean that this is the child's behavior all the time.

Even if the child is coming from another foster home.

Good luck, sounds like you have made some progress.

[jandn]

I just wanted to also point you to a babywearing site www.mamatoto.org when you get your maya wrap or before they have lots of pictures and videos that can help you become comfortable with a sling. They also have directions for no sew carriers that you might want to try in addition to your new carrier.

Every step that my little one has taken toward showing affection has been sooo wonderful. She still isn't as cuddly as my youngest but we enjoy seeing her becoming more attached everyday! Rejoice in the small battles won.

[wish41more]

Hi evryone.
For a couple days it felt like we were making progress but I'm still having a hard time. I just can't seem to "feel" the love I did with my 1st placement. I know it's only been a week but I just needed to vent. I'm not giving up my any means but it just gets frustrating being pushed away everytime I hug him. We're leaving for the day, I'll check back later.

[Just A Mom]

Hi...I just joined this forum for support because I am facing similar problems with my newly-adopted 12 yr. old daughter. Has your baby been evaluated by a doctor or therapist who knows about Reactive Attachment Disorder? My daughter has this and it is a serious illness. If you get treatment for your baby NOW, the prognosis is great! But the therapy is very specialized and it is for the PARENTS who need to learn a new way of bonding to and parenting a child with "RAD"...until he/she heals. With infants and up to age 4yrs. the outcome is supposed to be 100% success! For us the outcome is said to be 50-50 so I am hopeful, but scared too. If you're interested in more info. you can go to www.attach.org and it explains the causes and symptoms and treatments etc. Hope all goes well! I'll look for more from you and you can e mail me if you want to.
Just A Mom

[mckenna]

i don't think you are over reacting. no one told me a young infant could have significant attachment issues. i got my son when he was 4.5 months old. he would not "mold" into you when you held him, he was not expressive, he was very stiff. i was young and naieve and just thought he was not a "cuddly" baby. by the age of two, i realized that he had attachment issues. we sought attachment therapy and he is doing much better now at the age of 4. if i would have realized at the age of 4 months, his treatment could have been much easier on both of us. i would consult an attachment specialist in your area as soon as possible. if it really is just adjustment, seeing a specialist won't cause any harm it will only help to strengthen your bond. good luck and congrats on your new little one!

[mckenna]

"Also, for the person who did not agree with the daycare situation, I'd love to know what daycare provider you use that doesn't have a huge turn over of help. That is very rare, so I don't agree with you either. Daycare facilities (my experience) are the worst place for trying to facilitate a bonding or experience attachment. Maybe someone who does it in their home, but not the places that DCFS will help pay for."

i agree that daycare of any sort is not the ideal place for a child with attachment disorder as they need as much time as possible to attach to their parents.

that being said, i totally disagree with your assessment of daycare in general. my fdaughter goes to a wonderful day care where she has had the same 3 teachers since the day she started and they have been there for over 5 years. she gets wonderful attention and is very attached to her primary teacher while i have the added security of checks and balances that you don't have with in home daycare.

[jackiesbooks]

Just i quick thought - My oldest bio son was the most affectioniate baby/child and still is. My youngest rarely liked to be cuddled even as a baby.
His Dad was the only one he would let hold him for any amount of time. He much rather sit in the swing or in the baby seat next to you. He would scream if his brother tried to hold and kiss him.
Still is the only one that does not like to be kissed and hugged when we go to family functions. You physically have to grab him to give a quick hug. But him and his Dad and Brother are thicker than thieves!

[dadfor2]

wish41more,

keep writing about you are feeling...babies/kids who have had a few placements are on guard.

i know this might be hard, but try not to compare him to your other kids.

each kid is so different and how they handle their past losses is very different also...just like us.

as the old saying goes 'fake it till you make it'..these kids have instincts that tell them 'dont get close to me, ill reject you before you reject me'...its intuitive.

so just be aware of that also. they just dont want to get hurt again and will push you away.

i do feel that within time you will bond with your baby. most do come around..they really do. but keep doing your attachment parenting, regardless how you feel if you are attaching to the baby.

just so you know...its very normal. we are human and we do have feelings, and when our kids keep pushing us away, and we want to do is love them...it makes it very hard.

but like with everything...it going to take time for the baby to attach to you...and its going to take time for you to attach to the baby.

also, you mentioned that you dont feel the same way as your "1st" placement.

well...that was your 1st placement...you were in a different place emotionally also...the "1st" is always the most exciting...

i think even with birth kids, the 1st is always more emotionally..then after about 5..its.."oh yea, i forget to tell you, I had another baby...."..

the feelings are the first will never be like the second, and the second will never be like the third...and it keeps going..

but you will find something very special and unique in each of them.

[tlc4kidz]

dadfor2.....your post hit home with me about the instincts. My 2 y.o. is not a real cuddler. I used to feel really bad about that, until her brother was born when she was 14 months old and is a real cling-on ! I love all 4 more than I can put in words and each a little differently.

But my point about the instincts is....my 2 y.o. got lice , and I am trying REALLY hard to be my cuddly, hugging and kissing self with her. Normally she isn't too interested, but the past 2 days she has initiated more touch, hugs, and kisses than in the 2 1/2 years we've had her. I really think despite my effort to continue affection, she feels something unnatural about my approach, and has gone overboard the other way.

Sorry for the rambling.....that's what 36 hours of nit picking will do to your brain . Just wanted to let you know I think your observations are right on target.

[wish41more]

You guys are great! Really! I'm feeling down and a bit like a failure, I come here........and BAM I get a lift me up! I'ts like some days I don't feel like I'm "normal" (whatever that is!) until I read these boards!
We went to an amusement park today, no hubby, just me and the 2 kids, my sister and her 2 kids and my mom. We had such a great time and what I didn't think about was that all day there was really no one else (like Hubby) to take care of G so it was me alone w/him all/most of the day and it felt really good. Now, who knows about tomorrow ;-) but today was great!
He really is such a doll! The public health nurse is comming over next week for one of her monthly visits and I'm really going to push for some help with attachment. I really want this to work (since he's an adoptive placement) and like someone else said, it can't hurt.
BTW, I got my Maya sling today, can't wait to use it!
good night!

[leaabc123]

Good luck with the sling.

Dad hit it right on. Think about what this child has learned in his short life. People care for you for awhile then you leave or they leave and there are new people. Also, you don't know what kind of love and care he received in these placements.

My girls came from another foster home where it seems they were only given the "basics". No pictures were sent of them, even though they have been in care since birth. They had just gotten a clothing allottment but came with mostly old clothes and the receipts they sent were old receipts. I later found out that te home's license was not renewed so who knows. I also get comments about how good and happy they look now, which makes me wonder what they looked like before.

He will test you to see if you are going to stay around. Be consistent and yes fake it till you feel it. We did not bond with our girls right away but still told them "I love you" every day until it started feeling true. It took a few months and these girls (by some miracle) don't have any attachment issues.

So, keep it up and let us know how you like the maya wrap. I am considering getting one if we have or get a newbon in the future.

[Kate1129]

I found that it was best to tell the kids that you love them over and over and soon your heart will say it (instead of your brain)! It takes time!!!

Just as you haven't yet "fallen" for him, he's not fallen for you either.