[wish41more]

Wow! I am so thankful to have this support. It has been very challenging for the whole family the past couple of days. G is doing much better though. He let me feed him his bottle and rock him to sleep last night. I really needed that. I know he is only 9 months and I agree with dadfor2 I just think it's strange that he was in a foster home for 5 months and she couldn't get him to let her hold his bottle or rock him and he did it with me in 2 night??? Weird. It makes me wonder............... I know it's going to take a lot of time, for all of us and it's been frustrating but we're in this for the long haul! It's exciting to see the tiny steps he has made with us in only 3 days. I can't wait for 3 weeks, months and (hopefully) years!

On the other hand, I can't even stand myself for even thinking this but in the back of my mind I'm wondering, will I ever love him like my son? I desperately want to! After all he's been through in his short life, he really is a good baby and I KNOW it will take time for all of us to get to know each other but I do have that little piece of my brain wondering. Has anyone else had this? He is only our 2nd placement though and from what dh tells me I felt the same way with our 1st. It took me about a month or so before I felt close to him and after that happened I fell for him hard!!!! :-) He left 2 weeks ago today and we are still hurting. My 3yo calls baby G by baby M's name. I know he's so confused so I don't make a big deal of it, I just make sure I'm saying G's name ALL day long. We still talk about M and how he misses us and we miss him but he needs to be with his mommy (even though that's not where he went) and our 3yo seems to be ok with that but I know he still misses him alot! Thanks for all the advice. I'm sure I'll bond and fall in love with G just like I did with M. It's just different and going to take longer bc M was only 6 weeks old when we got him and G is almost nine months! I do already see a slight change for the better though. I just feel awful for what this little guy has had to go through in such a short time. It just breaks my heart!

[dadfor2]

wish41more,

bonding takes time with everyone....just give it some more time.

no one falls in love with someone in two days....well, most dont....

hang in there

im so happy about the progress the little guy is making already....what great news.

[leenab]

The whole "Having the same behaviors in the olf fhome for 5 months" would not worry me.

My son Raj was in a foster home for over a year and had nightmares EVERY night there and wouldd cry and cry. He's been with us 1 1/2 yrs and we've only had 2 nightmares and they are recent ones because of loss of a grandfather and T moving to her grandmothers at the same time.

I think a lot of the children's behaviors and emotions come from their environmnet and your home is different from his last one. Give him a few months to settle in and start adjusting.

Just love him,
LeenaB

[momofmykids]

Think of how many times this child has been through the grieving process...every time he's been moved, he's grieved for the principal caregivers in his life. He's so young...how sad.

Like Dad said, he's only been there a couple of days. This kind of stuff takes time...even with babies.

Good luck.

[waiting home]

I don't think that we are speaking about memory on the same level. You are referring to more of a learned behavior, not memory.

Also, for the person who did not agree with the daycare situation, I'd love to know what daycare provider you use that doesn't have a huge turn over of help. That is very rare, so I don't agree with you either. Daycare facilities (my experience) are the worst place for trying to facilitate a bonding or experience attachment. Maybe someone who does it in their home, but not the places that DCFS will help pay for.

Sorry, have not had the same experiences as you guys.

[IowaGirl515]

Originally Posted by waiting home

Daycare facilities (my experience) are the worst place for trying to facilitate a bonding or experience attachment. Maybe someone who does it in their home, but not the places that DCFS will help pay for.

I absolutely agree with that point. I take my two to a woman who is licensed that has a small day care in her home. She has one asst, but it's one of my best friends. I didn't want them to have to deal with the day care turnover issue either!

[dadfor2]

kids who do have secure attachments to their parents...do not become kids with attachment issues because they go to daycare.

secure attached children, get dropped off at daycare by their mom or dads, and they get picked up by their mom or dads....they know this, they dont wonder if they are going to be left there...like kids with attachment issues.

so no, daycare does not cause a child to have attachment issues.

however, if a child with attachment issues, might not have any problems at day care..the child already knows that the daycare staff are not someone the child needs to attach too.

attachment issues are usually the people who are caring for the child...

so you cant really compare daycare providers, to a childs parents.....they are two serperate issues and both play different roles.

hope im making sence...

in regards to attachment in a child...yes, the perfect scenario, is that the child stay with the primary caregiver for quite awhile and the primary caretaker should be the only one who feeds, clothes, hugs the child, and the child never even sees a daycare....

but parents who have to go to work, and put their child in daycare...doesnt mean an attachement cant happen either...

but i dont think we can really compare parents and day care providers......

[tlc4kidz]

I agree with dad.....in a perfect world it might be different, but I haven't really seen attachment problems with any of my 4 and they were in daycare. I guess I'm fortunate, too, because the center my 2 are in has virtually no turnover. It's a special needs center, so maybe that's why...they require more training and have a smaller teacher/child ratio.

I was reading back through the thread and realized some of you guys may have thought I was saying rush right out tomorrow and get an eval....not at all. I think giving it time is the best option, but in my experience it takes a month or two to get the ball rolling for therapies. When we were fostering I always felt like I was in a race against time in case there was reunification or move to relative placement. I wanted any needed services to be in place so that it could be part of the caseplan for followup should RU occur. I'm definately NOT advocating for unnecessary services....hope that's not how I came across (that's how I would have taken it after rereading my posts). Just wanted to encourage you, if there is any question that PT/OT, or any other services for that matter are NEEDED, to get them going once you get to know the child better.

[dadfor2]

i do have a question....

i did not adopt babies, so thats why im asking...

im wondering what kind of therpy babies go to....i guess im a little confused on the baby therapy stuff....what does it look like? how does it work?

[leaabc123]

Hi dad,
Babies can do things for their developmental issues. Such as physical therapy if not walking on time or speech issues if not speaking at a certain time (or not speaking well).

Play therapy is for younger kids who can not do talk therapy. In my former life, I worked with teens and children in their homes/ communities (and family members). The youngest child I did play therapy with was 4 years old.

However at 9 months old, there are definitely different ways to encourage attachment without seeing a therapist. One of which is using a sling or carrier, if physically possible.

Play therapy looks much like playing but there is a purpose. I used a sand tray, finger paints, as well as dolls and many other things with my clients.
For example, a 4 year old who was removed by police from her home for various issues kept drawing pictures of angry policemen and played with a doll house by throwing the baby out and locking it up. She acted these out over and over again while I helped her identify her feelings and emotions.

Not all kids are as literal as this one was but that is a very clear example.

[dadfor2]

hi leaabc

i guess thats where my confusion was...people were saying to get the baby in therapy...and i wasnt sure what kind of therapy a baby can actually particpate in.

as for attachment stuff in babies, i totally get that, but when people were saying get a therapist...i wasnt sure what that would look like.

[tlc4kidz]

My daughter got OT/PT at about 6 months because she had extreme back arching....REALLY weird looking. Her head and her feet would touch the ground and nothing but air in between. They worked with massage, rolling her over a ball, positioning her in sleep, and helped me learn better ways to hold her so that she molded to me more. They also have techniques called brushing and compressions that help them tolerate more touch and result in a much happier baby (and mom and dad)! She was in leg braces, too for a few months for toe walking and increased tone. She now does gymnastics and runs circles around me, and her therapists attribute some of that to early intervention.

We saw a developmental and behavioral pediatrician who told me that even waiting 6-12 months to begin therapies can make a HUGE difference in the outcome down the road. Sounds crazy, and I thought the same thing when the daycare wanted to start her so young, but I think it has made a difference. I guess you never know what would have been without it, but the way insurance is now I think there has to be a pretty good case for authorizing it.

Also what I've read about sensory integration is that the sooner you can "integrate" the senses, the better because the neural pathways get set and waiting makes it much harder for the brain to accept. It's really tied in with ADD/ADHD and I think it's fascinating.....probably because I was the kid in class who was completely distracted by the bird chirping outside the window and the kid behind me tapping his ruler on the desk, and....you get the picture.

[dadfor2]

thanks dana...i wasnt sure what therapy would look like.....

dana quote:
"probably because I was the kid in class who was completely distracted by the bird chirping outside the window and the kid behind me tapping his ruler on the desk, and....you get the picture."



i totally relate...i was the kid who was constantly put in the corner because i couldnt sit still..up and down, up and down, shaking the legs.....lol.

well, its not my fault i couldnt sit still, i had to run around the classroom, it was a need, not a want...boy, those were the days......

[jandn]

Just wanted to chime in with my "I've been there". My little one came to us at just over a year old and we had a rough time attaching at first. She was very developmentally delayed and even though she had only been in one foster home she spent her first 5 months in the hospital with no loving caregiver.
Being in our home has made a world of difference! Her therapists (PT, OT, DT & nutrition) saw her before and after and say she is a completely different baby. When she came to us she was just beginning to hold her head up and could sit with assistance. She's since learned to crawl is now pulling up to stand and is really trying to figure out how to walk(in just three months) We use Dr. Sears Attachment Parenting techniques (wearing in a sling, no CIO, etc) and continually research ways to help her bond and feel safe with us.

Just wanted to let you know we've been where you are and it can get better.

[wish41more]

I'm just exhausted so I can't write much now but I NEED to know where to get a sling! I've already bought 2 and returned both of them. i want one of those that almost look like a peice of cloth that you can wrap around you. They look really comfy for baby and you. Does anyone know where I can get one?