[csimmons]

Our 2 yr old foster daughter was exposed prentally to meth and marijuana. She has been diagnosed with Neurobehavioral Disorder. She gets frustrated really easy and throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Her doctor has diagnosed her with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and says she is possibly AD/HD. But she is too young for any kind of medicinal therapy. What concerns me is her behavior. When she gets frustrated or angry, she screams, bites, hits, pulls hair, scratches, pinches, etc... At daycare, many of the children in her room are helpless babies. Yesterday she hit a 7 month old child with a toy, pulled out a chunk of his hair, and spit on him. And this was all because she got mad. And to make matters worse, the 7 month old had nothing to do with it. When she gets mad, whoever is near her bears the brunt of her behavior. The daycare will not move her up to the next class so she can be with other toddlers. There are currently on 2 other toddlers in her room.

She received Occupational Therapy as well as Speech Therapy. She does show empathy towards those she hurts after the episode is over. She is sensitive and cries when Elmo can't find his blanket in "Elmo in Grouchland." But I am very concerned about this behavior. When she was about a year old, we went through the whole banging the head, hitting / slapping herself, biting herself, etc... but now she's doing it to everyone else. Yesterday, she bit her teacher multiple times on the arms.

We use time out as a way of punishment, plus we talk to her about her behavior and how we are supposed to love our friends and be gentle to our friends and teachers. However, nothing is seeming to help.

Can some of you other foster moms offer some suggestions?

Thanks.

[AmyAnne]

My son will occasionally trash everything in his room or kick/bite in the heat of a tantrum. The only thing I can do is to restrain him and talk him through it. This is not always easy. Now that he's built some stregnth back up, the last tantrum he tried to bite during, I had to put him on the floor on his stomach, put his hands behind his back, and sit on him. (My therapist and all SW's involved agree that this is okay and probably necessary if he's a danger to myself or himself)

Does your daughter have to go ask forgiveness from the person she wronged? (Or in the case of the 7 month old, either the child's mother or the teacher?) You could try giving her a sticker every day she DOESN'T hit someone and when she gets 10 of them you could trade it in for a small reward like a trip to her favorite playground, going out for ice cream, or she gets to pick what you have for supper.

THe problem is, when the tantrum's going on,as you know, you can't reason with a child. You have to basically get them under control, let them decompress, and THEN address the issue

Does your daughter exhibit any "Warning Signs" that she's gonna blow?

[csimmons]

The only time she explodes is when she is told "no." And then ... you better watch out.

Our casa worker visited with her today at the daycare and said that a new little girl in her classroom is also very aggressive. She was hitting everyone who passed by her. I don't know if she has learned this from our child or if our child learned it from her.

I always have her say "sorry" to those she hurts. And she sometimes will cry after she hurts someone. I think she just needs to learn what is approriate ways to get out her anger. Do you have any ideas of things we can encourage her to do instead of hitting or some of the other things she is doing?

[AmyAnne]

Could you give her a balloon, punching bag, or stuffed animal that is "safe" to hit??

[csimmons]

Yes, that's a good idea. And anything is worth a try. Thank you.

[AmyAnne]

Another idea we use with A, because he likes to tear up his stuff when he gets mad, is give her newspaper. Let her shred it, tear it up, throw it, whatever.

[waiting home]

Ross W. Greene materials have made a world of difference in our house.

There are two books (everything is available on amazon.com)

1. THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children.

2. TREATING EXPLOSIVE KIDS: The Collaborative Problem-Solving Approach.

Then there's a DVD:
PARENTING THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD

And a workshop on DVD:
currently sold out on amazon.com

Just type in his name. He has some critics (of course) that his techniques are "not firm enough" but we have had nothing but positive results. Some kids just don't respond to TOUGH LOVE and Dr. Greene works from that point of view.

Check him out. The first book is usually at most libraries.