[lostboys]

Well we have vacation planned for next week. We have 5 teen age foster sons, 3-15yrs, 1-17yr and 1-14yrs. All but the 14 yr old is in trouble right now. In the past 3 days we had someone unplug the freezer in the garage for no apparent reason and ruined all the meat in freezer. One of them stole $52 out of my purse. one of them left and went to a friends house after being told not to. two where caught smoking out behind the shed by DH. One was told on by neighbors for shooting off fireworks after we told them they could not do any more fire works, and then he had the guts to tell us it was stupid for him to be in trouble! One of them has lied to us three times in the past week, and lied to his councilor and told him I was lying about him lying! we are not sure which one of them stood on the brand new car carrier obviously looking in our master bathroom window, and crushed in the side of the carrier. One of them had a note home from his summer school teacher saying he is not working in class and even slept in class one day. DH is spending about 3 hrs everyday working on Algebra with this boy! One of them refused to do his daily chore. Needless to say I am upset. We took them all to Florida in April. Before we went they all where acting up and I actually called of the trip the day before we where to leave. We decided we needed to go because my parents gave us use of the ocean front condo and I knew they would be upset if I did not use it. So we did go regardless of there bad behavior. I am not sure I want to take them on vacation next week! I don't think they deserve it. I feel bad because J has been very good and he would be getting punished for the boys behavior. I don't think I can get respite for 4 teen boys before Friday afternoon and I am not sure I could afford it with school shoes and school clothes coming up so soon. I also know my husband and I where looking forward to a much needed vacation. I would appreciate any comments or ideas. I have to add that DH and I are pretty strict parent with these boys. We know that they can't handle much freedom. They have had more freedom this summer than usual because the CW said they could start staying alone while we go to the grocery or short trips away from the home. Obviously they can't be trusted to do this so that has come to an end.

[AmyAnne]

Would it work to take ONLY the 14 year old to some local attractions, should you call off the trip? You could do it over a weeekend... you could have the other 4 one day, while your husband took him someplace cool. The next day, your husband could have the other 4 and you'd get a "Vacation day" with the 14 year old??

[lostboys]

Thanks, We must think a lot alike. We cancelled the trip today after on of the boys got in trouble at school for yelling at the teacher. We are going to get respite for a day and take J and Dh's little adopted sister 14yrs old to Kings Island amusement park. I don't why the boys go through these stages. It seems we go along very well and happy for a long period of time and then all at once they all cut loose. I am sure it is related to the extra privileges and taking advantage of the situation. I hate having to be so strict on them but if I give them an inch they take a mile. It is amazing how much mischief 3 -15 yr old boys can get into! Thanks for your input

[Kate1129]

Just a thought...........

Now I know there is a HUGE difference between my 4 year old fosterson and your teen boys, BUT I have found that when there is something special coming up J will do everything possible to sabatoge it. I think it's a way to test me! So I talked to my father who is a therapist and asked him what do I do????? He said I need to sit Ja down and tell him "We are going to (XYZ) on (whaterver date), NO MATTER what you do, we are going. I love you unconditionally and no matter what we are going. So act as terrible as you want, you are just going to be miserable before and possibly after we return, but I am the parent and I said we are going and we will".

Now it worked on a 4 year old. He wanted to know if I loved him no matter how awful he acted.

I don't know if that would work with teens, just thought I'd put it out there.

[ALI143]

They're good-It seems they know just when to act up. There is almost no way to "punish" them with out punishing yourselves and taking away your much needed vacation. Unless you usually give them spending money on vacation; then you could with hold it from anyone who doesn't do chores to make-up for bad behavior before the trip.
I don't know what I'm going to do when my preciouses get to be teens. To escape abuse I moved out at 15, shared an apartment, worked two jobs, and yes even smoked 1/2 pack a day. (But come on, I worked two jobs, paid rent, bills- I had some stress!)

Is having a big 'ol bunch of boys fun too? I'm just asking because I always pictured having about 5, but I worried about having 5 when they are teens. If all goes well with TPR at the end of August I'll have my third little boy so before I grow my "collection" I think I'd better consider it first. I already go through almost 3 gallons of milk a week, they eat every two hours, can mess up a room in 10 seconds like little tazmanian devils, and wear out clothes in a season!!! So far I love it and I wish you the very best of luck,

[lostboys]

I feel that part of it is the testing with them, but as teenagers, It is so important for them to learn that they control their future by the decisions they make. And I don't feel their behavior can't be rewarded with a vacation. It is nice to get help from the this board. I know most of you have young children, but it is nice to get feed back from you.

As far as them being fun...They are a blast. They are so funny. I have raised 6 teenagers of my own only one girl. So I used to having a bunch of teens around. I have had 11 fS and 2 FD in the past yr. The children are such a blessing to me. My boys are good boys, they just make really bad decisions sometimes, and it is so important to us to help them make better decisions, because their bad decisions have gotten them all in so much trouble in the past.

I wonder sometimes if my age has something to do with the frustration level I feel at times. I am 47 now. I had all my bio's by the time I was 21 and then I got married again 10 yrs ago and got two more boys who are now 17 and 19, so I have been parenting non stop for 29 yrs.
I think the older we get, we seem to forget what it is like to be 15.

[ALI143]

29 non-stop years!!! Bless your heart! I know so many that are just becoming first time parents at 47. I hope your vacation is a blast,

[Sparkle71]

I wouldn't have cancelled my vacation without trying to get the respite first. You sound like you really need a vacation. I would have taken the 14 yo and left the others in respite. I had to leave my 14 yo this year because like you, we felt that we could not reward him with a trip to Disney for his bad behavior. He even changed his behavior in the end because he thought he could change our minds. Honestly, we almost did but knew it would be detrimental to go back on our word. When he saw we weren't going back on our decision, he went back to his old tricks. He realized that we meant business. We are doing FS a disservice when we don't make them accountable for their actions. The world will not be so lenient and merciful.

[marsha4]

we had similar problems with a 10 and 7 year old boy, and we didn't feel like rewarding them with a vacation was the right thing to do. I started calling down the foster parent association list, and the very first one I called agreed to do respite for a week for these boys. I guess we are very fortunate, but with only 2 days notice, we got respite and had a wonderful trip without them. They said they had a good time in respite care, and the care-giver agreed that they behaved. So, it worked out well for all of us. We came back relaxed and refreshed.

[lostboys]

Thanks for the comments. I wish I could have put them in Respite during the vacation, but I didn't think I could afford respite for 4 boys and then have to come home and have to buy school clothes and shoes. We have put the boys on line of site supervision and they also recieved some chores that they have to complete for their actions. They know that DH, myself, and their CW will have to be in agreement before they start to receive any privledge. Their attitudes have been pretty good through it. If they keep up the good work we are going try another getaway, but they don't know that!

[ballenhan]

I hope this works out! My situation involves my DH more than the kids, who are angels!