[csimmons]

I have no doubt I'll get some negative feedback from this post, but I feel inclined to post it anyways.

Within this forum, I have read many, many posts regarding the foster parents wanting to adopt their foster child even though mom and dad are trying to work their treatment plan. May I say this ... as a foster parent, your job is to love the child, care for the child's needs, and to provide a constant, stable, loving environment for that child UNTIL THAT CHILD IS ABLE TO BE RETURNED HOME. Somewhere along the line, things have become a little "off" in our goals as foster parents.

My husband and I have had 40 foster children and have not adopted a single one yet. Do they always go home, not always. Sometimes they go to a relative and for some of them we have been an emergency placement. However, I can tell you that we do our very best to work with our foster children's birth parents. Instead of looking at them like they are scum and don't deserve their children, we try lending a helping hand and reaching out to them the best we can. We offer them extra time with a young infant so the bonding process can begin. When we have a church function, we invite the parents. When we use a child's clothing vouchure? we ask the mom to go shopping with us and help pick out clothes. We make sure they know about Doctor appointments and WIC appointments. If our fosterchil does something special at school or daycare, we give them a copy. We take lots of pictures and give it to them. These parents have the right to know what kind of life the children are having while in our care. WE GIVE! We give them every opportunity to be involved in the child's life, unless there is a safety factor or our caseworker advises us otherwise. But our help is sometimes just what these parents need to truly stay connected with their children while in foster care. We have remained in contact with several of our birthmom's and it has been a joyous situation on both ends. We get to see our former foster children and are still able to have some influence in their lives. Sometimes these parents just need someone to believe in them because many times they are down, depressed, relying on drugs or alcohol, and no one believes they can change. But as foster parents, we can be an encouragement to them.

If, in the end, the parents reject our help and choose not to work their treatment plan, then we can rest easy at night knowing we have done all we can do to offer help to them. This is the case with our current foster daughter. We are scheduled for a tpr hearing in September. But we have bent over backwards to try to help her birthmother. But her birthmother has refused our help over and over. But I can honestly say, without a doubt, we never had a wrong motive in this case. Our goal, up to the point where DFS changed the goal of the case, was to see the child returned to the mother. Once DFS decided this was no longer the goal of the team, then we were free to change our goal.

Foster parents, love those kids. But remember, they are only yours until they are able to go home.

(a side note - keep good records. If you invite a parent to a function, keep record of it and whether or not they showed up. Keep record of how many times they call you to check on their child. This is all very important to the case.)

[leaabc123]

Yes, I understand my role as a foster parent but we have also been very clear with our workers that our eventual goal is adoption.

We have not had many placements because our placements tend to be long term placements. Our first placement was an infant girl who we knew was going home because the mom and relatives did everything they were supposed to do and we did offer extra time and visits when we could.


Our next placement was an infant boy who was left in court by relatives and who no one visited for 5 months until the holidays cae around and they became sentimantal. We offered visits to the relatives (who were not dangerous) in our home and it came back to haunt us big time. This relative told me things about health issues and complained about how tired she was and yet was given custody of an 11 month old baby. Everyone knew that as soon as the case closed, the baby would be passed on to another relative and another.

Currently, our girls have visits once a week. Their bio-parents are on record as to making threats to other foster parents already. This case has been going on for 3 years. They have had ample chances and plenty of help yet they continue upon the same path. When we have pictures taken, they will each get a small set. If, by some miracle, they start working their plans and do regain custody (even though we are well past the point when a TPR should have been done), then they will get an album of pictures.

I will no longer bend over backwards to help a bio-parent do what they should have been doing all along. If they want help and I can help, I will do what I can.

[csimmons]

I agree. If it's clear that helping the bioparent is not an option, then we have to draw the line somewhere. It sounds like you're doing everything right. I know each situation is different and I don't mean to make it sound like all foster parents lose sight of the goal, but it is clear from some posts here that that does happen in some cases.

I think with working with parents so much, you get a feeling or a sixth sense about who is going to accept help and who is not.

Keep up the good work!

[BethanyB]

csimmons, please keep in mind that MANY states do NOT allow you to have any contact with the birthparents. My SW really didn't want me to even write notes and send them to visits with my son. And I have a friend who even let a birthparent come and stay for a few days to visit with her children which was kept in secrecy from the state because they would never have allowed this.

My son was placed with me as a fost/adopt placement at two weeks of age. Everyone knew of my intentions to adopt IF he became available. And I knew that his bmom could change for the better and get him back. BUT I also knew that she had already lost two children and had another one in care since birth (two years), so I knew the chances of her changing was slim to none.

And that doesn't mean that I think she is scum. That is the furthest from the truth. I respect her as my son's birth mother. I just know that she has had the same problem for the past 12 to 15 years. And this problem has prevented her from taking care of her children. This problem has even affected two of her newborn children. And it still doesn't make me have any bad feelings towards her.

I wrote her notes about my son. I sent her pictures of him in an album. I had portraits taken and sent them to her. So I did care about this woman and wanted her to know how her child was doing in my home.

Yes, all foster parents should know that the kids are being taken care of until they can go back to birth parents BUT it is okay to be upset if you have loved a child for two years and then they are sent back to birthfamily. There is nothing wrong with being sad about a child leaving you. Even if you knew it was going to happen.

And I also think it is okay to be upset when a child is put back in a bad situation. It is natural to be scared and worried about a child you have taken care of for months or years.

As far as supporting birth parents...I feel I do that by taking excellent care of their child. By sending pictures and notes.

I also want to mention that some bio parents can be dangerous. Drugs and gang involvement can be involved. They could have a criminal history. I would never want to invite a bparent into my home even if it was allowed. But if you feel you can do that and it is allowed in your state than great! But not everyone wants to put themselves at risk.

It is a hard job to love a child and then lose them. Even if you knew it was going to happen. Being a foster parent is a tough job. Thank God people are willing to do it and give needy children a loving home.

[mckenna]

i refuse to bend over backwards anymore. i have been raising one or more of my son (adopted) and my foster daughter's birth mothers children for 4 years. i have made copies of all photos and given her albulms apon ablums of pictures, art work and copies of baby calanders. she does not have one single photo in her possesion any longer, she has "lost" them or they have been "stolen" i have invited her to my house, provided visits on christmas and thanksgiving, only to now be met with hostility and inappropriate behavior. she not only has accused me of not providing a safe envirnoment but also accused my son (the same child she gave birth to and is only 4 years old) of hurting her 4th child ,the 3rd one i am caring for. i am sorry but there comes a time when it is not only inappropriate, but unsafe to involve birth parents in your families lives. yes, we are foster parents but no, we should not be expected to endanger our families.

[csimmons]

I was not aware that in some states contact with birthparents is not allowed. And I should've stated in my email that it is not geared towards those who are fost/adopt. I am sorry to upset those who have responded. It is my impression that those of you who have responded are the ones who have bent over backwards. I know at some point, you just know when to stop.

[hubbyswife]

My state doesn't allow contact w bparents. They keep us, fparents, confidential, well they try their hardest to.

We are doing our best, as someone said, by taking very good care of their children while they are in care.

BTW, bparents in both our kids lives are NOT working their plan but relatives are seeking placement and have to pass a homestudy.

We are a foster to adopt family.

[chrisandlainey]

i dont think this forum is meant to judge other foster parents. we are all doing the best we can.
maybe you are not judging the bios... but i think you might be quick to judge others on here.
please dont fault others for having a big heart and wanting a good life for these children.
i think we all are doing everything we think is right for all involved in the situation.
lets try to keep the posts positive and supportive of each other.

lainey

[punchkin]

As my grandfather use to say [deceased], never judge a person to you have walked at least a mile in their shoes. Fostering as well as adoption has been long standing in my family. With that said, let me say each case is different, each foster family is different. To not hope, love, wish for, dream, or even think about, is virtually impossible and unhuman.

I've had many cases, but one in peticular stands out. This sibling group of 2 were in foster care for the second time, for the same reasons. Not once did i ever bad mouth the mom. I took them to visits 3x's aweek, when dcs only wanted to give 1 hour a week. I would take the kids and mom out to eat. Pay for it secretly so kids wouldn't know and sit outside in my van till they were finished. which she never paid back. I made sure mom was theRE for FDs' first day of school and gave her gas money to get home after she sat at my house for a few hours and we drank coffee and talked. I put mom and kids in therapy [with dcs help] to try to heal the many hurts and distrust they had. After 2 sessions she had excuses why she couldn't make it such as she was tired, but she had no job. I invited mom to church to hear her kids sing in the choir. to see them put on a play at church ans so on. She always declined. I offered mom to come and stay the night with us xmas eve night, so she could be there for her kids xmas day. She declined. Under the advice of the the Therapist I tried to include her in their every day to day life. Mom goes to dcs and says being involved in her kids life was stressing her out. She left 3 weeks later after her mom kicked her out. Was I doing my job when I held these kids way into the wee hours of the morning, night after night, drying tears and rocking them. Trying to make them understand that it wasn't their fault.Was I made as he**? doggone right. For the next few months it was hard. They felt like their mom didn't care, why should they. Not one time did I give up on these kids. Not one time did I say a bad thing about their mom. I wanted to keep them safe, love them, reassure them, dry their tears,and heal their hearts forever. If no- family would have stepped up, I would have adopted them. Does having compassion for our children make us bad fp. I don't think so. One of the main things we learned in class was to treat our fkids as our own. Well guess what, all these things I would do for my own.
I think that you should remember that you are reading only part of the story. We as fosterparents can/do not post everything in order to protect our kids.

I never tried to take moms' place, But I let them know that I was here for them when ever they needed me, even if it was just for a hug. The oldest would always ask me [will you adopt me, what's going to happen to me'] I'd say [why'd anybody would be proud to have you for a son] Then i'd explain that we would just have to see what happens. I told him to keep praying for his mom and that things will work out the way God wants them to.
He called me yesterday to ask if he could spend the weekend with us.

Love is not only an obligation it is also a commandment from CHRIST OUR LORD

[momofmykids]

Csimmons,
I must respectfully say that you evidently have worked with MUCH different bparents than I have. I've done most all of what you've done only to have a child come to me and tell me, "My REAL mommy says I don't have to do what you say", or "My REAL mommy doesn't like you, but she likes A (my husband)". The child can't help it, the the bparent, as an adult CAN. Shame on them for trying to play THEIR child off against me...the person who is trying to help the bparent as much as the child. I'm sorry, but that kind of parent needs to learn how to love their child and quit using them.

I've bought groceries, took bparents out to eat, sent pictures, school art, etc., etc. only to have them basically spit in my face (all but one bmom...she's great and loves to get pics of her kids even though we've adopted 6 of them).

I also think that you have worked with some much higher quality workers than we have around here. I've had DCS promise me the moon in order to take a placement only to have my heart broken later when I found out they've lied to me. Of all the workers we've had, there's two of them that I feel like I can REALLY trust. After twelve years, that's a shame.

Like Punchkin said, I DO love these kids and treat these kids like my own, that's why it's so hard to see them going back to bad situations. Now, honestly, would you WANT to reunify a child with a known prostitute/drug addict/pill seller who has left this child (not to mention her two other children) with known pimps and drug addicts? I'm sorry, in a perfect world, these parents would get better, but in my experience, "leopards don't change their spots".

Good luck with you upcoming TPR. I'm glad the system didn't fail that child like it has so many others.

[csimmons]

All of you are to be commended. I have learned much from your posts and how different agencies are so, well ... different. For all of us reaching out to these kids, just keep it up. They are all depending on us! And please know I am not judging anyone and I'm sorry if it seems that I am. I just like to keep an open mind and open heart to everyone involved.

[shycar]

csimmons-- I understand what you say that foster parents job is to love the child and care for them. I believe thats what we do. In the three years I have been a foster parent, I have seen many things that have shocked me (and I have had over 20 children in my home). How can a person do that to a child and automatically you want them to stay safe and being with you, you know they will grow up safe. It sad to say, but sometimes its hard to see a person as caring, when you see what this child in your care has been through. My fs touch my heart from day one. His first year of life was very stressful for him and you could see it in his eyes. I am happy and proud to say that he will soon be legally my son.

I guess what Im trying to say is that we foster to help a child in need. I dont know about you, but when they come I give my whole heart to them. And when they leave they take a piece of my heart with them and it tears me apart. Yes Im happy they go back with family, but I always worry about them. I mean all of them. When I look at photos I wonder is mom and dad still doing good or are they at it again and the child is suffering. These children are in my home couse their home was unsafe or dangerouse. I want them safe from harm and I know I can provide that, but I dont know if family can. Im just saying that sometime we sound like we want to keep them or tear family apart, but I really think what a lot are trying to say is that we want them safe from harm and the only way we know they will be safe is in our arms forever.

[elismommy5]

I haven't been a foster parent for long, but i now understand how it is to deal with ungrateful parents... I have bent over backwards for the bps of the boys we took and they have been nothing but rude to us. I have called and offered extra time with the one we still have (she always comes up with an excuse) I send pictures, she loses them, she didn't like the hair cuts we gave them, she doesn't like the clothes we buy them ect, ect, ect...

Im here to take care of these kids not these parents, and i love these boys AND im not ashamed to say that with this woman's history and current behavior she doesn't need these kids back right now. I know what my job is and i would adopt these boys in a heart beat i love C. like he's my own and i can't stand the idea of sending him into a dangerous place. I think thats a normal way of thinking when you've been taking care of and loving a child for any amount of time. If ** gets her act together fine but if not i don't believe i should have infinite compassion for her. Sorry if this sounds mean but it's just my opinion.

Melissa
biomom to eli 5 1/2
foster mom to C 3 1/2 went home 6/30
and C. still here 2years old

[gclvaruba]

Originally Posted by csimmons

Foster parents, love those kids. But remember, they are only yours until they are able to go home.

As a FP besides loving the child, it is also our responsibility to advocate what is best for the child. I am thoroughly convinced that many times we are the eyes and eyes for cw's who are so overwhelmed with their caseloads.

[tlc4kidz]

Just another thought.....It was our true love and caring for our kids bparents that led them to ask us to adopt them. They were (at times) rude to me and didn't like certain clothes or shoes. That was their only way of feeling in control. They have a VERY long and scary history, and one is 3rd generation in the system. There were times they drove me stark raving mad, and I would come home and vent...here and to my DH.

They told me, not too long ago, that I am the ONLY person that has treated them with respect. They said that someday, if the kids come to find them, that they will tell them that they are the "luckiest people on earth because we adopted them". They said that they will tell their other children (6 of them in 4 homes) that their aparents treated them like dirt and were liars. I would never suggest that someone were nice just to get to adopt, and that wasn't our motive, but so many times the birthparents really do love their children and want what's best for them. If they feel they are loved and safe in your home, they may just decide that's where they want them to stay.

Sometimes, when we bend over backwards, if we open our eyes, we will see things from a whole different point of view.