[gregorysparents]

OK…..what in the heck is wrong with our “system”???? Yesterday I obtained a copy of a report that had the following info. in it:

October 2001: Police found drugs in the bparents home. At the same time the house was determined to be an endangerment to the children’s welfare. Bparents placed her two daughters in the care of their paternal grandparents through a guardianship.

October 2002: DFC received a report alleging that bmom had “flipped out” and was hallucinating and had jumped out of her vehicle when it was moving. Our fs (appx. two months of age) and his half sis (appx. eight years of age) were present when this occurred. Bmom was admitted to a therapy center and at this time she admitted that she uses coke, crack, beer and that her problem is chronic. DFC substantiated the neglect.

November 16, 2002: It was reported that bmom was smoking crack cocaine in the house with our fs present.

January 27, 2003: DFC received a report again that bmom was using drugs in front of our fs and his half sis and that bdad (of our fs) was beating bmom in front of these two kids. At this time there was also suspicion that bdad was manufacturing illegal substance in his backyard.

April 4, 2003: State Police arrested both bparents at their home for operating a meth lab. Our fs and his half sis were present. The kids were placed with paternal grandparents.

April 7, 2003: Our fs was placed into foster care and half sis was placed with her bdad.

September 2003: Bdad was arrested for Class D felony of theft of items that you use to make meth and also possession of marijuana.

September 2003 to June 2004: Bparents served nine months of an eighteen month sentence.

November 2004: Bbad pled guilty to the September 2003 Class D felony of theft. He received a SUSPENDED sentence. He received 18-months probation. Can you believe this - - - ONLY probation for his SECOND Class D felony.

Now, why in the hell did no one step in and take these two kids before April 2, 2003!?!?!?! These children could have died!!! Now, the bparents are trying to get our fs’s two sisters back. They are taking grandma back to court in early June. Grandma’s attorney has stated that the bparents will probably get them back because she is 77-years old. They also (because the DFC messed up in this case) won the tpr case – so now the plans are to place our fs back with them.

Futhermore, I obtained a copy of a letter that the bmom wrote the Judge in the guardianship case (hearing June 7th). The letter basically stated that the CASA vol. on our fs's case called the bmom after the tpr hearing and stated that "she felt pressured to make the recommendation negative. The report was based on bmom's past not present." The bmom has also stated that the counselors at the therapy center "who wish to remain nameless - have told me that they feel pressured to go along with the DFC because if they disagree with them clients are not sent to them." Now, what's up with this?

There is a case involving animal neglect that is going on in our area. I LOVE animals so this case has me upset. This case has made the news on the radio and has been on the front page of the newspaper two days in a row. These two people involved were arrested and released on bail. It appears that they are receiving more punishment than our fs’s bparents did. Why is this?? Do we really put more value in a horse, goat, calf, duck or any other animal over a child??? I just want to scream!!!!!!!

What on earth are we suppose to do so “save” these children and fight for THEIR rights?

Christina

[missw005]

Christina -

You're absolutely right. Our system is BROKEN, BROKEN, BROKEN! And people do seem to care more about abandoned and abused pets more than they do for 'our" kids.
However, from a newspaper family's standpoint - with privacy issues there is very little the media can print or say that won't invite a lawsuit from birth family or civil rights organizations or whomever. Animals can't hire a lawyer and sue for being "mis-represented"!!!!!
I cannot tell you how many times in the almost 30 years my family has owned a newspaper we have gotten tips, arrest records, drug busts with children involved, etc. - and not been able to print a bit of it due to privacy laws. Some of these cases were even ones my family members were personally involved in - one being my friend whose parents were beating the crap out of her in their drunken haze and her sibs were manufacturing drugs under their noses - parents didn't care as long as they paid their share of the bills with their drug profits!!! (the girl ended up living with us for a couple months)

On one hand there is protection of the children and their privacy - on the other is the lack of knowledge and attention to the issues and crises these kids - our kids - are dealing with. There's a very fine line, and with the multi-million dollar lawsuits out there, it's a fine line many media organizations aren't willing to cross. It's not that they don't care, it's just that the risks are too high. Imagine your frustration if a newspaper had brought your fs' and his sis' issues to light, bparents sued, and won millions in a defamation lawsuit - for being drug abusers and dealers.
Yeah.
It stinks. It stinks more than the county landfill. And Social Services is at the heart of it.
Like the issues we're about to have with my fkids. If bmom leaves our county and moves to another county in MN - the charges won't travel with her unless:
1. The new county realizes this crap has happened before;
2. The new county can somehow find out what county bmom lived in before;
3. My county can find the info and actually gives all the info to the new county;
etc., etc., etc.
The counties in the SAME STATE aren't even connected - can you just imagine how difficult it would be if she moved across state lines?
It's interesting that the govt. is the first one to take away subsidies from foster and adoptive families, and to criticize how those families do things - but the last one to take that critical eye to themselves.

It's just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG - this price our kids have to pay. The price of their health, their learning, their behavior - sometimes the price of their life. We have to keep reminding ourselves that our kids are lucky. Many kids do not escape with their lives. Many kids will never even experience a moment, a mere moment of being a normal child, in a normal family, with a normal life.
I tell myself that every time one of my fkids is returned home to their bfamily. As much as I wish, I hope, I can only dream that these kids are removed so they can experience that normal kind of childhood........I know that they did experience it. Just for a moment. A weekend, a week, a month..........and that moment will be something they will carry in their hearts forever.
I've heard stories from long-time foster parents who have had former fkids show up on their door - 10, 20, even 30 years later. They've come to tell them thank you for that moment. That moment of normalcy, of sanity, of peace, of true love.
Sometimes that's all that we as fparents can give them. A moment. It's not right. It's horribly wrong. It's a sin beyond sins, to damage a child with a bparent's problems and selfishness. But still, it's a moment only we can give. You have to hold on to that, especially in these dark days.

All my love to you, Christina, and a big bear hug. From my sons - big sloppy kisses for hope and big wet tears full of drool and snot for your sorrow. From Nellie our cat - a howl for your frustration and purring to warm your heart.

Take care of yourself, and vent to your heart's content. We're all listening!

Sandy

[Kate1129]

Christina,

I am so terribly sorry! I hate that this hurts you so very much! We too have the same feelings. Our bmom's first report of neglect was in 2001. Our former fs was born early in the year, so the report was made when he was very small! The report kept coming in through the next 3 years. Nothing was done until the hospital reported that fs's face had been "smashed" as they put it. It had to first get so very bad before anyone did anything.

Why on earth does the child have to be premanately damaged before anyone will help them!!!!!!

It is really sad that animals (which I love) have more rights then babies!!!


I'm there with ya! All steamed up!
K.

[wrekdiver]

Yeah,
I keep hearing about "no child left behind" acts related to a child's education. I wish they would use that motto to create legislation for these poor children who are not only "left behind" but sometimes forgotten about all together until they are so hurt the damage is unreparable (sp?)

[DianeScraps]

Broken definitley describes our system. I keep hearing that the max time for the BP to get their act together is 16 months, yet ever bio I read for a kid they have been in the system waiting for termination for 3-5 years or more!

One bio I read the gal was 12 and bio mom broke her arm at 7 1/2 months old - she was STILL in the system! ! !

[tlc4kidz]

Christina....couldn't agree with you more. I can get REALLY overwhelmed in my desire to "save the world", or at least those unable to have a voice for themselves. I think fostering gave me a bit of satisfaction that I had given back a little of the blessings I have received. Since I don't think I can adopt them all (okay DH doesn't think so ), I decided to become a CASA volunteer, and help a child that way. Yes, it's frustrating working against a big, broken system. Sometimes things don't turn out the way they logically should. I have seen WAY too many people say that since they can't fix it, or it's frustrating, they are "getting out". Please hang in there....come and vent often if you need, but somewhere, there is a child who needs EXACTLY what you have to offer. I believe that the desire to make a difference is in your heart for a reason. Listen to that voice.

[kllee4]

I, for one, am VERY glad that you decided to vent, as I am wanting so badly to SCREAM at the top of my lungs at how badly the system protects the most innocent.

I shared on another thread about a baby girl that we were hoping to adopt due to circumstances that left her abandoned in the hospital, then placed with her grandmother who stated that she herself was too old, and a "father" who took custody of her 2 weeks later, admittedly for her SSI checks. He was later arrested for negligent homicide, found not to be the father by DNA test after she was found dead TWO days after he took custody of her (grandmother voluntarily gave her over after the SW told her she could not legally keep him from his daughter - he was listed on the birth cert.). Grandma wanted to wait at least until the DNA test came back proving paternity and given her daughter's habits and ways of gaining money/drugs. Also, this was mom's 5th child and she is not raising any of her other children. They have been either adopted or are currently in foster care. The oldest is 15.

I have been so heartbroken over this little girl who wasn't even given a chance at life. I couldn't imagine having loved, cared for and then had to give her back. For those of you who foster, I take my hat off to you. It has to be very difficult but I know that these children will always carry the good with them that was experienced with you. Take care, and know that I'm with you there on the evils of the system!

[dadfor2]

christina,

VENT VENT VENT....it never seems to amaze me how the system works.

here is our story, real quick.

my two sons, TPR due to neglect and severe abuse...bmom was severly mentally ill....refused to take her meds.

she has another baby 6 yrs later.....nothing changed....baby is removed within 3 months for abuse and neglect.

bmom gets pregnant again, she is living in a shelter, except now, she leaves the state and moves so DSS cant find her.

she delievers the baby in the hospital in her new state...no surprises, the hospital staff felt something was wrong with bmom so they called the social worker...

guess who is involved again...DSS in the new state.

i talk to this DSS office and fax over some court hearings regarding the abuse and neglect of my children that i have on file.

DSS visits the home and removes the baby into foster care.....

THEN they go to court....because the birthmom refused to sign a consent form for DSS in the new state, to talk to the DSS office over here, in the original state....

the paperwork i got wasnt considered suffiecient because it came from me, so they couldnt use it in court...but if the paperwork came from the court, they could....

guess who got her baby back?

i get angry at these lawyers.....can you imagine, going to work everyday, knowing that someone is abusing children, but you have to fight for them to keep their children because thats your job....

i will never forget reading the court documents from our childrens bmoms lawyer.

she kept writing letters to dismiss police reports, conditions of the house because the only witnees to the mess was two police officers...and on and on...how could some of these lawyers sleep at night.

so now the baby is living with her and oh, on more thing....but now she has help, because the bfather was just let out of jail for drugs, so now he is home with his new family....so at least she can get the extra support from him that she might need.

oh, she is now suing the other adoptive parents because she did not keep to the open agreement.

to give you an idea on how unstable she is, she is the one who moved to another state and had no contact with her bchild.....

apparently she called them one day and said that she is coming up to pick up some things and she wants to see her other son that day...the adoptive mom said, "well, today is not good, mayabe you can call and we can plan a date..."

she says..."well, i dont live my life that way, i live for the moment and ill be there today....."

the adoptive mom said sorry....

now she is suing them for breaking the open adoption agreement.....

wow..i guess i needed to vent too.....lol.

they are still trying to get records from here, but our state wont send them without consent.....

what ever happened to 'mandatory reporters'

[dpen6]

Dad...I so agree..in the quest to keep blood together out society is dealing with these unattached kids. Then there are people like you that are trying to fix these poor kids and you get railroaded a t every turn.

It really is not about the kids at all is it??

Donna

[gregorysparents]

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words. It's hard for me to put my feelings in writing for others to read. It is truly sad that there are other cases out there like mine and it’s even worse that there are worse cases out there.

kllee4 - I am truly sadden by your story - this just makes me sick!! I can't believe that our "system" could let down this little angel.

tlc4kidz - I am hearing and repeating the "voice" - but those that should be aren't listening. It is truly frustrating.

dadfor2 - keep fighting!!!!

In case someone doesn’t know, two reasons that the tpr hearing went bad was – the DFC failed and the Judge thinks that the bparents have done wonderful since they have been released from jail.

I had stated the following question in my original post:

"What on earth are we suppose to do so “save” these children and fight for THEIR rights?"

Well, let me tell you what I have done thru the legal system. My dear hubby and I have hired an attorney that lives approximately 125 miles plus from the county where my fs is from. We filed for a petition for legal standing (this gives us a say in court, gives us access to court records and etc.). The Judge (to the surprise of our attorney, us and others) OK’d the petition asap (the Judge had thirty days to make a decision). The bparents attorney filed an appeal THE SAME DAY that they found out about the Judge’s approval. Our attorney has to travel on June 6th to fight for OUR rights to we can fight for our FS’s rights (will probably cost us $800 plus). Oh, their attorney – free – well, free to them – not to the taxpayers in their county. Our attorney – VERY expensive. We don’t have the money. They should have money – after all – they were selling meth (sorry, I had to add a snotty comment). I am a SAHM trying to give our fs the best possible start in life we can give him. Our attorney said that it could cost us $10,000 plus with no guarantees.

Next hearing – June 30th. This hearing is really the six-month hearing – but the Judge will probably make a decision as to when our fs goes back with his bparents. Since the legal standing as been approved (until the June 6th hearing) I have obtained every possible record that I can from the courthouse. I go about once every other week and look at the file.

Now, let me tell you what I have done that is not thru the legal system. I have contacted a private investigator. He obtained a copy of their 10-year driving record – bdad’s OK – bmom’s – sucks!! He also obtained a copy of their criminal history record. This was a terrible report because it didn’t even show their conviction of a Class D felony in 2003. I have done research on the internet EVERYDAY since the February 28th tpr hearing. I have not had a full nights sleep since the tpr hearing. I go to bed after 11 pm and I am up for the day about 4 am or so (if not earlier). I have found out that their pastor of their “fellowship” that they attend (they make a very big deal about how active they are in this fellowship) was arrested in Florida in April 2003 for possession of two glass pipes, each containing crack cocaine. Not only was he arrested but he was arrested on Easter Sunday – and he was an active pastor at the time. The only reason I knew about this was because in one of the letters that he wrote for the bparents he stated that he had some issues with past drug abuse himself so – this got my wheels turning!!!

I might say on the behalf of the bparents that they have not done drugs since their June 2004 release from jail. I know this because they are passing all of their drug tests. They have also not been arrested for anything else since their release. And, they have both held down the same job since their release. So, in these areas, they have done very well and in my opinion – should be congratulated for these positives.

But…..they have only been out of jail since the end of June 2004. The bmom treats me and the paternal grandmother (that’s has guardianship of bparents two girls) rudely. They attended their case plan meeting at the end of April and I observed them kicking each other under the table – like kids do – he is 54-years old and she is almost 42-years old. If one would speak and the other didn’t like what the other had to say or if they didn’t think the other should talk – then they would kick the other one under the table. I learned in this case plan meeting that out of the seven children that the bmom has had (the last three are with our fs’s bdad) that she has only raised a child (any of her children) to the age of 12 – 14-years of age. I also thought that these three children (girls aged 8, almost 7 and our fs almost 3-years of age) were the bdads only kids. Well, I found out that he has a 33-year old daughter that he has had nothing to do with since the beginning.

I do treat the bparents with total respect. I don’t talk “down” to them. I am no better than they are – I just chose a different path in life then they did. When taking my fs to supervised visitations I try real hard not to call myself “mom” (when talking to my fs) in front of the bparents. I even made the bmom (for Mother’s Day) a 12 x 12 shadow box that had some black and white pictures of our fs and some decorations in it. I have also given them other pictures over the last several months of our fs. I have attended the bmom’s daughter’s (our fs’s half sis) school concert and then attended our fs’s sister’s school concert (they both live about two hours away). And we have an EXCELLENT relationship with the paternal grandmother.

We do receive support from our Church. We attend almost every Sunday and our Church (along with others in the community) has us on their prayer list.

I want to reassure you that I am not “psycho”. I felt like people would think that I was – but someone pointed out to me that I am acting like a “mother bear” (thanks Kitty) protecting my “cub”. Well, I just want to say – not only am I working towards protecting my “cub” – I am working towards protecting all “cubs” out there that need protected. When my fs’s case is complete, I will be working towards TRYING to change some laws so the CHILD’s rights come first – not the bparents.

I do not focus the WHOLE 24-hours a day on this case. I do function “normally” and still go on with life. If you met me and did not know about this situation, you would never be able to guess that I am going thru this very difficult time.

Sorry so long – I just wanted to let you know that I don’t just complain – I act. Thanks again for all of your kind thoughts and words. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Chistina

[kaylasmom]

I wish you the best of luck with your case. And its sad to say that if the bparents are doing this well, he will probly go home. You are so right, it shouldn't be the parents that the court is so worried about, it should be the children, But it's not. If a bparent has completed there case plan, no matter what they have done, they get there child back, no matter how many they have, or have not raised. I just hope for your's and most of all the childs sake, there new intrest in God is for real, not jail house religon. And that they continue on there way, holding down jobs and, not doing drugs. I hope that the court does whats right for this child, but i fear that they will do whats right for the parent, and give the child back.
I will keep you in my prayers, because this will be a hard road to travel. May God bless and keep you and your fosterson.





Married 12 years
bio mom of 2
fostermom of 4