[smlanders]

Hello, my name is Michelle and I am new here. I am married and we have 2 girls living at home with us. We have a 5 yr old FD. She is our first FT foster child. We did respite for another agency for 1.5 yrs before this.
Where is all the support???
She is a charming sweet beautiful girl. Did I say charming?? Yea, she fooled us !! The honeymoon is over now!
She is still sweet and all but VERY defiant also. Particularly after a visit with mom. She doesn't follow rules or directions she argues, bites, kicks and hits. She insists that she makes the rules cause thats what she did when she lived with mom. We have been patient (and inpatient) in explaining our rules and that everyone must follow the rules or there are consequences. We have talked about rules that are for adults and children everywhere and why people have to follow rules and what happens when we don't.
We have discussed this issue with her CW, and therapist. They have been somewhat helpful with some ideas to deal with her behavior. We need support and respite and they are getting us special needs rates for her but what about resources?!?!?!?!?
We are new in the area, new to this foster care agency and disappointed at the lack of support for care that is so much needed.

Lack of support
smlanders

[jackiesbooks]

So sorry I do not have alot of advice either, but I have been there. I have tried both negative and positive consequences. It has depended on the child.
Our current FS response better to the negative, but we to try a few things - time out in the chair did not work. But stand in corner did - he hates it. We tried positive, but for reward, he always wanted food. Since he has eating issues, this was not good. I also have a few Foster children that thought if they were bad enough that they would go back to Mom. I explained that would not happen.


You could check the state forum boards for your state. Maybe someone in your state could give you a resource in your area.
GOOD LUCK!

[smlanders]

I have not found my state forum board...I live in Oregon, is there one??

[jackiesbooks]

Yes - Go to the top and click on - Foster Care & Adoption - then scroll down to the bottom - and you will see all the state forums including Oregon.

[tybeemarie]

Isn't terrible how foster parents are left high and dry? And as crazy as we feel, the kids feel worse. Oregon has a good reputation--perhaps not well deserved. But as I recall, your state's adoption website does include a list of resources. Plus, the AMAZING Deborah Gray, author of Attaching in Adoption, has her practice in Oregon. It sounds like your fdaughter has attachment issues. If so, traditional parenting techniques will not work. You will want to familiarize yourself with Nancy Thomas's products. You can start with When Love is Not Enough, her great book on RAD. Also instructive are Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky, and Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.

Caseworkers are not really there for support, or at least not beyond offering words like, "You're doing a great job!" "She'll improve!" and so on. They are there mostly to be sure that you're not abusing the child. And filling out forms. That's it. If you want support as in meaningful input as to how to do therapeutic parenting, you will need an attachment therapist. These boards, as well as the Attachment Disorder Network, which has a free listserve, are where you will find real support and real knowledge.

Good luck and hang in there! This is really hard, but really rewarding.

[AmyAnne]

Positive: The "bead economy" works for us. For every good thing A does, he earns a bead (we bought 1000 of those ponytail beads) The earned beads go in a jar. He saves them and cashes them in for rewards.... puzzles, a trip to Burger King, etc. Some things that earn him beads are: controlling anger, being on time to school, completeing his chores, good table manners, etc

Negatives: INconvenience time! He throws a fit and I have to stop what I'm doing for 20 minutes to deal with him? He owes me 20 minutes later. He refuses to put on his shoes? "Okay. Sit there and I'll count inconvenience time. When you're ready to put your shoes on just let me know".

He either has to help with a chore, or do something for me, or go to bed early. The point here being that he "Took" time that belonged to me and now he's got to pay it back. This works only if you child(ren) understand that things are owed and paid back but I find it effective.