[elismommy5]

Up until now my family has seemed ok with our decision to go through the foster system with the option to adopt, but now that we are finished with everything and actually able to have kids move in with us is seems lie they've done a total turn around. I actually had a aunt tell me she thought adopting from the foster care system was like STEALING kids???? she thinks the bio parents should have as many chances as they want to get them back. She even asked why we don't just do normal adoption... I guess i was just hoping they would be more supportive and i guess they were just hoping we would back out by now...

UGH sorry this post was so long im just a bit frustrated...

melissa...

[DianeScraps]

Your aunt needs an education! It is the parents that screw up that we should be worried about - it's the poor kids!

Hugs!

Diane

[roxanna425]

That's unusual. Most times people cannot understand why parents get so many chances. Please be patient with your family but do not allow them to be rude or hurtful to you.

[leaabc123]

The first thing that came to my mind was either she had a negative experience with foster care herself, or knew someone who had, or she had seen too many lifetime movies.

If this is someone who will be in your life and the lives of your future foster kids/ adopted kids, then an education is definitely in order.

At the very least, speak with her about keeping her opinions to herself when your kids are around. Also, stress the importance of treating them like members of the family.

[gclvaruba]

Melissa, it sounds as if your relatives just need to be educated. If they could read this bb for only a couple of days, they can learn an awful lot.

Our foster to adopt daughter was removed from her birthmom's home 2 years and 2 months ago. The woman has done not a single thing to comply with her plan. These children cannot be left in limbo until they turn 18.

Curious what your Aunt considers a "normal adoption" to be? International adoption of a new born only?

[Mishagreen]

Is your aunt the only one with that attitude? I'm wondering if predjudice(be it social or racial) isn't really at the heart of it. Giving unfit parents chance, after chance, after chance really makes no sense...unless she just has no clue what these kids are coming out of. Also, in order to "steal" a kid, one would have to assume there is an option to "buy" one.......or that you are kidnappers!
Maybe she has just seen one too many lifetime movies.
Do you think her attitude will have any bearing on how she treats your kids? Either way, I would address any potential issues with family right up front, so you know what you're facing and the best way to deal with it for your future kid's sake.

[Kate1129]

One more opportunity to educate the world!!! Just 5 billion more to go!

I'd ask the Aunt why she feels that way. It's probably something painful she's been through or someone she's close to!


I am sorry your family is not being suportive! It's a good thing we do this for the kids and our own hearts. If we did it for anyone else, well it wouldn't go well!

[hubbyswife]

Well, my MIL insists we get a surrogate so that she can have a blood-related grandchild.... We have consistly told her to drop it b/c it's not going to happen.....

But the good thing is that she treats our f-kids like regular grandkids, but right now she doesn't have bio-grandkids, so I hope things don't change how she treats our kids compared to bio's......

I say as long as she isn't saying those things in front of the kids and acts like a loving aunt then let her have her opinions but keep them to herself.....

Good Luck

[elismommy5]

Our family has had some experience with the foster care system, (which was one of the reasons i wanted to do this) My aunt is not the only one who is against it she is just the most "out spoken", and my mother has actually said she will love any child we get but she doesn't know if she can hug and kiss on a AA child (we're CC) !!!! I COULDN'T believe it i have never heard anything like this from them before. As far as a normal adoption goes i think she means a domestic infant adoption.... Im just really depressed by all this because it just came up in the last few days since we got licensed and started looking for placements. My DH's family is totally supportive i feel like cutting my family off till they shape up and just dealing with my MIL .


Either way forging ahead ...... melissa

[hubbyswife]

Yeah, DH and I both told our parents that they need to treat our kids, either foster kids or adopted kids, as their own grandkids or else we won't be visiting b/c I will not subject my kids to being treated differently..... so far so good, my parents are great w the kids and so r the in-laws, except for insisting we get a baby or use a surrogate, which I don't get b/c it seems like they really like our fs.. he's 4!

[hubbyswife]

I forgot to add that maybe once the kids arrive, they will have a change of heart...... if not at least your DH's family is being supportive!!

[elismommy5]

Im hoping they will have a change of heart after they get to know the kids, but i will not tolerate them making any difference between my fc and my bio son and any of the other grandkids. My mom also asked "well what are they gonna call me?" I said momaw (it's what my son calls her) she sounded a bit hurt like thats just for him... ugh...there shouldn't be a difference i really didn't think this was going to be so difficult for them. But you're right at least i still have hubby's mom shes great she wants to be NANA!

[Mishagreen]

I had to lay down the law with my family. We will not tolerate anything we think may be hurtful to the kids. Some, not all of them, are prejudice. My 92 year old grandmother being one of them that is. She would never say anything to a child, but it remains to be seen whether she treats one differently over the other. Same with my mother. Our first placement was an anglo baby, and my grandmother said "I bet you're really glad you got a white one." Well, our newest placement is bi-racial.
We are adopting our little boy, and I'm noticing when they talk about our new little girl, they talk about when she goes back...which they never talked that way about Z. My mother is talking about taking Z out for some special grandma time...since he's staying in the family.
I've made it very clear we will adopt M if she becomes available, so they may as well act like she's staying forever. We are going for our first family visit this month, so we will get a feel for how things are going to be with them. Right now, the kids are still babies, so nothing said will affect them at this point.
Luckily, that part of my family lives out of state, so it's not an issue that's staring us in the face on a daily basis....and my Grandmother (who I dearly love) will probably not be around much longer. She's the one who I think will have the toughest time adjusting, given her age and the era she grew up in. There was still segregation even during my mother's formative years, so I'm having to dig deep for some compassion here.
I'm praying that they will just fall in love with the little person when they meet her. She is irresistable!
We do have a wonderful support system here, with our church family, and my sister and her immediate family are as thrilled as we are about the babies. My niece and nephew are excited to have little cousins finally!
Hurtful as it is.....you can do it without the support of all of your family. You just have to create your
own little nucleus of people who do support you and your family. Sharing a bloodline isn't always what makes a family. Ultimately, it's love that ties us to one another.

[Kate1129]

It is a shame that our families don't always understand! I am confused about the not kissing on an AA baby. Is she afraid his color will rub off on her? How sad for her, she's going to miss out on some great kids!!!!


I didn't have to, but I would let my family know EXACTLY what was expected of them. If they didn't follow the rules, well they do not get to be a part of my families life!