[mommyto9]

I know there's been a post about this before, but this was my first experience with it. Yesterday at church they give away flowers to honor mothers, in different areas. Example: oldest mother, youngest mother etc. Well, it came to most children and someone said my name and that I have 8, then someone else in the congregation said she only "had" four. So the pastor said the same thing. I was so hurt! The Pastor and his wife adopted a child, how would they feel if I said she only "had" two? The worse part is the 4 fc have lived with us for quite a while. 1 for 16 months, 2 for 1 year, and then of course the baby. It's not like we recieved a placement the day before and people may not recognize then as family yet. I just could not believe it! In my own church family! I know not everyone feels that way but...

Sorry for the bummer post!

[KeroRocks]

My foster son is my son, I would be very hurt if someone didn't see him as such. People don't think and can be cruel.

[hubbyswife]

Yes, ppl are mean sometimes and without thinking...We were told we aren't real parents and we are just temporary parents....

I'm sorry that ppl are cruel that way..... You'd think they would know better....

We always refer to fs as son.... I use to say oh we do foster care BUT then I realized that my fs hasn't ever referred to me or dh as foster mom/dad so I owe him the respect to call him my son w/o the foster.... It took me a few times but we are very proud to b his parents and hope that one day we can be legally!!

Best Wishes!

[hubbyswife]

I forgot to mention that fs refers to mom and dad.....

[leaabc123]

If you have a relationship with the pastor, it may be called for to have a personal meeting to discuss the issue and your feelings.
I agree that some people don't think, and sometimes you have to decide whether or not it is worth your time to educate folks.
Also, thank the person that did acknowledge all members of your family.

[Cleopatrick]

Hurt doesn't cover it, I would have been furious, especially if this was said in front of my foster kids. For however long they are with you, they are your kids.

[AmyAnne]

I agree, tell your pastor that his comment was hurtful and unacceptable. He needs to know his mistake so he does not repeat it.

We get a lot of "Where are his 'real parents'?" questions. Our reply? "We're right here".

[wish41more]

Wow! i'm so sorry that happened. That's aweful. This is all new to me as we just got our 1st placement last week. He's a 7 week old darling little thing. I had someone at my son's school say " you don't want anymore kids? Oh, well then this is the next best thing" I was like, heeellooooooo I love this baby just as much as my bio son and in only 4 days!!! Also, yesterday my sister in law was holding him and went to say "here, go to mommy" but she stopped and just said "he wants you"
:-(
It's sad the way people think.
Sorry, I just had to vent.

[Kate1129]

I am sorry you were hurt by your church family. Sometimes when it's our church family it hurts 10 times worse!!!!

I have found it is terribly important to educate those who are clueless!!!! Many times the things that are said are simply said out of ignorance. They just have no idea how those comment make people feel. It's not that they are out to hurt you. It's just plain old uneducated folk talking about something they don't understand!

I am sorry you were hurt and I'll be saying a prayer for you!

Oh and do contact your pastor! Educate him first and then the rest will follow. There is a high chance that once it was said and done, when he got home, his wife corrected him! I know how these things are done, my dad is a minister and I've heard my mom "correct" him (not really correcting, but pointing out what happened and how it could have hurt others). If you are not comfortable talking to the pastor, try his wife. She may be easier to share with since this is a sensitive subject!

[Howdy]

Wow that would hurt. If the flower was intended for the woman who had the most 'live births' they should have stated it that way.

[eyejustam]

Our Pastor said on Sunday, If you have taken care of a child, that counts, not if you gave birth to them. I felt bad because I had the most kids. I have had 22 foster children that I have cared for. I also gave birth to 2, adopted 2 and have 2 stepsons. None of them have ever been refered to as anything other than my children. So when the Pastor had all the mothers stand he started at 5 children, then proceeded to count, 6, 7, 8, 9, by 9 I was the only one standing he continued to count and finally asked me how many, when I replied 28 I thought he would have a stroke! He asked me how I still had hair. I said the hair wasn't the problem. But that I had callous's on my knees. People that know me know I was a foster parent and I was shown nothing but respect. I was given a hugh potted plant. I then gave it to the Pastors wife (my plastic plants die!)telling her, technically you have more children, you are a mother to all of us. I was glad the Pastor clairified his meaning of a mother "if you've taken care of a child no matter the length of time, it counts". I feel real blessed to have such a Pastor and church family.

[NaeNae26]

I am sorry about your hurt.

While we are on the subject. What is the true definition of a monther. I was hurt yesterday as well and had to leave half way through the service so that I would not cry.

Background on me - I had a misscarriage a year and a half ago. I was ten weeks along.

So, I considered my baby just as much a baby as anyone else considred their full term baby. My issue is that people made and still make the comment that 'oh it was not that far along' or something like that.

Well, yesterday I came into church with my husband and the pastor has everyone stand up who is a mother. I turned red because in my heart I am a mother. I was just not lucky enought to meet my son/daughter.

Then the pastor's wife gets up and terms her sermon

"marriage + maternity = motherhood" She did not mean anything by it, but I am about to be a foster mom too.

So I will in that sermon's context not ever be considered in motherhood:-(

I don't agree - I know she did not mean it, but it was out of ignorance. I mean come on, every women who has adopted, fostered, bparent, bio... you are a mom.

I just don't know how to eduated people. They just think I have an attitude issue and do not give me the time of day. They have never been through it.

Plus - half way through the sermon I had to leave because she gave the impression that if you have a child then your family is complete. I think two individuals can go through live married without kids and still be a complete family.

Just some of us have a strong desire to have children in our family and God does not give them to us they way kids typically come into the family. I believe God had that in His purpose to provide families for these children and to heal the parents hearts.

Anyway, I am done venting.

[lucmarmic]

I am so sorry you were hurt...but remember your a mom to those who it matters to most!

I have 2 fs, and I live in a very small community. So small we only have a post office, but I have been blessed. People in my community know both of the bparents and I. They refer to me as the boys "mommie" and to the bmom as "mom"

I had 3 phone calls yesterday wishing me a "happy 1st mother's day"...that felt so great.

I hope you do talk to the pastor. You are a mom....and it shouldn't matter if you gave birth, adopted or found them in the woods Enjoy being a mom...

Luci

[Mishagreen]

I probably would have piped up to educate them right then and there. People can be very insensitive.

The women at our church were asked to speak about being a mother if they wanted to. One of the ladies (she's a little wacky, but I just love her!) told a story about her goose that built a nest and lay on an unfertilized egg for such a long period of time that she finally had to break the egg to show her nothing was in there. She wouldn't do anything but lay on that egg otherwise.... One of the ducks on her property laid an egg, and that same goose wound up sitting on it until it hatched. She said she didn't make her goose give the duckling back because of her strong desire to be a mother. Even though she didn't birth the duckling, she had a mother's heart, she had paid her dues, and that was her baby.
I really appreciated that story, silly as it was, because I could relate to that goose. It was appropriate because we had our babies dedicated yesterday, and I was the only mother standing up there who hadn't given birth to my kids.

[Learning2wait]

I think corporate recognition of mothers in church, while it seems like a good idea, just leaves people open to a lot of hurt. There's a lot of uninformed people out there and a lot of people who's experience only encompasses natural childbirth.
Some people have the rotten attitude that going through labor is a badge of honor and it gives them the right to look down on other women because they haven't gone through it. And many many people who "are able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat" take the miracle of conception for granted. Basically for the people who only have biological children in their family, they forget about alternative ways of forming families or devalue them as "less" or substandard when they do think about them.
I was personally grateful that Pastor's recognition at the Sat. service was mentioning it was Mother's Day weekend and asking if anyone had anything they wanted to say about their mothers. He really does try to be sensitive, but other years when we've gone to Sun service he would mention the "other" types of becoming a mother as though they were an afterthought. And the year we had done all the dr. appts and applied to adopt internationally but couldn't b/c I wasn't 25 yet.... that's the year they gave out flowers and I had to leave the service.
It's easy for people in biological families to "forget" about the people who are in other types of families and situations and without being educated they really have no clue how it affects us.
I must say my church is better than many for being informed. Several years ago the mother's day "sermon" was 4 moms from 4 different "types" of families sharing... nuclear biological family, adoptive family, blended (she said "blender" was more descriptive most days) step family.... and I can't remember the last one. It helped people see "outside" their "box". And for the Mother-Daughter brunch 2 years ago the speaker was an adoptive mother and the introduction was 2 adoptive moms sharing a piece they wrote using the metaphor of adopting to having to take the boat when everyone else takes the plane.....
Prayers for those of you for whom Mother's Day was disappointing in whatever way.