[jojobear]

sorry for the cross post.

Hi all. Just wanted to get your opinion on something. My Dh and I have been foster parents for almost two years. We got placement of a 17 month old 16 months ago. TPR has been done and we are now starting the adoption process. This little boy will be 3 in July. Every thing was going great or so we thought until my SIL had a new baby the day before St. Patties Day. Well, I guess really from the time she had her shower until the baby was born. Up until this point, Dh's family (mother and grandmother) have introduced this baby as a grandbaby or DH and wifes son. Well at the shower someone (another family member distant) asked the MIL how she liked being a grandma. Her exact reply was " I don't know i'm not a grandma i am just a foster grandma ask me after the baby is born" the other person just looked at her and said that is wrong so wrong. I just bite my tounge, didn't want to take away from SIL's baby shower. Let it go. Fast forward two months to BIL's birthday party. Sitting around at dinner talking about the baby and such the MIL says right in front of fs "i can't wait to be a grandma" then goes on to say that is this her "first grandbaby" and to this baby she will "not be nana but grandma". WHOA. Hold the phone. Was any of that necessary. Once again I bite my tounge. Fast forward one week baby is born. I am in attendence without fs or DH and all i hear about is first grandma and first grandbaby and great grandbabies someone in the group ask where my fs is by name to her and she looked at them and said "M who?" The other person says M you know your grandson M and she was like "Who" "Oh him, i don't know i didn't ask her where she left him" I could not believe it. OMG. So I voiced my opinion to my SIL and BIL right before the baby was born plus they had heard all the previous comments. No one said anything. Baby was born and we have not really been to the hospital for numerous reasons. They are pushing DH to make sure he is there and keep asking him really dumb questions like "What do you think, Think she is a keeper, isn't this great, See what you missed type of stuff too" Well my SIL said something to MIL about how come to the new baby she is grandma and to M she is just Nana. (not that the wording is the problem, what ever she wants to be called I don't care) Well MIL says to everyone there (We were not present so this is second hand). Well when M is official then he can call me Grandma. I love him alot and buy him things but he just isn't a grand baby, he is a foster grand baby and she will have to sit me down and just explain that to me and DH that it is just the way it is.

So my problem with it is Yes I know he is a foster baby and yes i know there is always risk. But for god's sake this baby doesn't know any thing different but us and this family Everyone consideres him ours He is an adorable little boy who wouldn't hurt a fly and he is going to catch on and I don't want anyone to make it a point to label him or make him feel as though the new baby is better than him. He loves his nana very much and talks about her all the time. Now the BIL and SIL are sticking up for her way of thinking because the fs doesn't call them uncle. ( he calls her aunt D and then him Bubba, (this is the nickname we all call him) )

so now what do i do? this talk is going to happen soon we know that. I don't want to loose my temper. We have had a rocky relationship with DH's mom and grandma since our dating years 14 years ago. I just want my baby to be treated the same. Love wise

Sorry so long
Jody

[leenab]

We went through a similar thing. My mom wanted to be called her first name by our sons when they were placed, even although one was already TPRed and the other was TPRed 39 days later. It wasn't until a month after Raj's adoption that she wanted to be called Nana. And she sent a Halloween card signed grandpa B and Nana. I was like who's this Nana person. Did my Dad secretly get married to some lady who wanted to be Nana, or did my mom get a brain and personality transplant? Well a month later was Om's adoption and they attended, we get a card signed Grandpa B & Gram. Now I'm wondering who Gram is. Later that day I pull my mother aside and tell her that she just can't keep on changing everything she wants the boys to call her. For 10 months it's her 1st name, for 2 months it's Nana and then it's Gram. Talk about insane. She tells me she just changed her mind. And that since we chose to rename the boys she could change her name too. Talk about insane. We just changed the boys names from their birth names to adopted names, with a lot of transition and discussion with both boys. And there were no names in between.

And all the time my little nefew was allowed to call my parents grandpa & grandma.

Been there and still there with the crazy parents

[mom21]

Unfortunately, I know how you feel. My MIL announced prior to Christmas that she would be giving our daughter a cash gift but that she wouldn't be giving our fd as much because, "we're not sure she's going to stay". I, too, tried to let it go. When Christmas arrived both girls received an outfit and a toy along with a card. I figured she'd had a change of heart and opted to buy gifts instead. When we got home and opened the cards, our daughter's had a nice sum of cash and our fd's had nothing. Mind you, neither of these girls needed anything but what is the point of going out of her way to make an obvious statement? I know the day is coming that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. She makes negative comments all the time about both girls' birthparents and she doesn't even know anything about them. Lately, she keeps making comments to our daughter about "What are you going to do when E has to go back home?". Our daughter is only 2 1/2 and our fd is her half-sister. Guess what, Grannie?! She'll still be her SISTER! Sorry for the length but it feels good to vent.

[hubbyswife]

That's just awful. DH knew from the beginning when we started dating that we would have to be an adoptive family since I can't have kids. Well I had already told my parents before dating my DH that I would adopt and that they had to treat my kids the same as my brothers or else I wouldn't be seeing them. That way they can decide what they want to do. My DH told his parents the same thing, you have to treat our kids the same as bio-grankids or else we wouldn't be part of your life. We also explained that our kids are coming w baggage and we aren't about to add to that baggage by making them feel different.

So far, my parents n DH parents have treated the foster kids great.... My parents refer to fs as grandson and so do DH parents.

the only problem we have is w DH's parents about adopting a baby or having a surrogate..... dna is very important to them. DH continues to tell them that he doesn't care about dna. Oh yeah, and the advice, like we r dummies... sheesh...

sorry if my post doesn't make sense I just started thinking about things.... Venting...