[Michelle_7]

Hi Guys!
I am a new foster parent to an 8 yr old girl. My husband and I do not have any children of our own. I am really enjoying having her and if she comes up for adoption we will take her. But we have so many fears about losing her its unbelievable. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish, because I dont have any kids of my own, but then when I think about where she came from i wonder how anyone can possibly send her back. What scares me is the fact that i know that they send kids back into extreme situations just because they are the "real parents". Then when i think about the life she could have with us compared to the life she will be exposed to, it makes me cringe. So, now i dont even know if im scared for myself or her. I love her to pieces, and people sometimes make me feel guilty for that because she is not mine. Sorry to vent, but I do feel bad for the feelings i have myself.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Michelle,

Congratulations on your first placement. 8 years old is a fun age.

I think your feelings are understandable. You feel like most foster parents when they are first starting out. This is the way I dealt with the fear of "my" kids going home to an unsafe environment. I did everything I could possibly do to help their parents work to get them back. I'd send the parents pictures, cards, notes, school art work, everything and anything. I loved the kids like I gave birth to them. My feelings were that if this child came up for adoption I NEEDED to KNOW that I did everything in my power to help his/her parents. I NEEDED to be able to tell my kids that when they are age appropriate to hear it.

You are bonding with this girl and that's a great thing. You know that reunification will be the most heartbreaking part of foster parenting but always remember that, even if she is only with you for one day, YOU DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Best of luck.

Michelle

[tybeemarie]

I agree with everything Michelle said. (Easy for me to say since I'm a fost-adopt parent whose children's parents rights were TPR'd, but what Michelle said is still right.) Do NOT feel guilty about loving this little girl. People who tell you that she is not "really yours" are unenlightened. What makes a bond between people is not purely biological--good thing for married couples everywhere! She is yours because you love her, because you care for her, because you protect her, because in your heart, she is your daughter. It may be that she returns to her birth family. And there is no denying that the biological bond she shares with her birth family is a significant thing. But that does NOT mean that she is not also yours by love. It is ESSENTIAL that you love her with all your heart. That you do so in spite of the risk of your own heart being shattered to pieces is what is so beautiful and powerful about fostering. God bless you for your sacrifical love. That is just what she needs to heal. Keep us posted!

[FostermomCathie]

Sounds like you are in a wonderful honeymoon period, just remember to be grateful when she trusts you enough to explode with anger or starts throwing tantrums or starts to lie. It is important to move through those 5 tough phases to make her a healthy person. If things always stay wonderful, something is wrong. This is a really tough job to do right, enjoying them through it all is hard but if you can make it, wow its great.

[fm22]

Michelle, I am on a foster adoptive parent board in a relatively small county in Washington State. A good friend of mine who fosters and does a lot of work recruiting foster parents says this, "I love all children like they were my own and God would not give me anything I couldn't handle. Even if I only give a child a positive home for a few days, I have made a difference in their life, even if it is the only good home they have ever had.
Erin

[susanlowman]

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck with your current placement. One of the hardest things ever to happen to me was when my FD was placed in her permanent home -- she was adopted by a non-family member. I loved that girl so much, but knew she would have a wonderful future with her new family (she would be an only child!)....I currently have 2 FD's that are "suppose" to be going back to their parents next month (if Judge signs), and I feel that this is not the "Best" situation for them, but I know I don't get an opinion!! I will wish them luck, told them they can come visit ANYTIME, but it is still SO HARD to think of them "returning".....Long story to say I don't think you are a bad person for having those feelings, but a WONDERFUL person that you care for your Foster child knowing he "may not be your forever child". It truly takes a special person to give that unconditional love with the risk of losing it.

Good luck!

[LdyK513]

I am a foster & foster to adopt parent. I sent my 1st FD home a month ago and it broke my heart. I rec'd a call and now have a 2nd FD in my home as of last night. How hard is it when they leave? To be honest, it sucks This is the system though & unfortunately they don't always do what we feel is right. Member LAJCRC told me it's only natural to hurt, you're loving this child as if she was yours. Look at it this way, if she goes home she'll have plenty of wonderful memories of the "mommy" who loved her unconditionally I still think about my 1st FD all the time & I miss her, but it gets easier and the next one comes along and it's the same emotions. So keep your head up and your heart open to her. I hope all works out and she's able to stay. Good luck!