[Crane13]

Just currious...

We have had our first group of "older kids" for 6 months now. (4 and 6) While they love being with us, they still can't wait to go back home. It makes me wonder if their home life wasn't all that bad or if children just have a natural pull to be with the family they have known.

Interested in your own experiences, especially with this age group.

Jill

[scarlet52698]

I'm just posting to subscribe to the thread. I'm curious about this too.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

The only kids I've had go home were a sibling group of 3, ages 4, 6 and 8. They could not wait to go home, especially the younger two. They were in care for 2 years before coming here, back home a month, placed here, back home a month and back with the original foster family, and, I believe they are now back home.

They were the saddest too (I guess b/c they were older). When I picked them up from DCS the only boy, the 6 y.o, was crying in the back of my van. The 8 y/o said, now D I've told you that if you don't think about it you won't be scared. OMG I drove the rest of the way home in tears. They were the only kids I had placed with me that could talk so I wasn't use to it, they broke my heart they were just lost little souls.

These children were neglected, not abused so I can't speak about abused children. From what my kid's sw tells me the kids almost always want to go home, even if they've been badly hurt.

Michelle

[little_meg]

I do find that a lot of the kids that I have do want to go home. The 10 year old boy I have at the moment really does want to go home, he hasn't been told yet but he will not be going home. He will be going on to a long term foster carer. For all of his 10 years he has never been shown any physical affection from his Mum but he loves her all the same, I suppose he thinks that is normal. He has been here for nearly 7 months now and we still have not managed to get close to him and don't think we ever would. I have a 12 year old son and a 3 yr old son and he can't get on with either of them either, he is an only child and hasn't been used to little kids and finds it really hard to interact with my little one. I really feel for him at times but think that he would be better placed with a family with no kids where he would get a lot of one to one attention.

[mommyto9]

We have two brothers ages 5 and 3. They love it here, but they also love their mom very much. They ask a lot when they get to go home "forever". I keep telling them their mommy has things she has to do first. Their mother loves them every bit as much as they love her, she just has trouble parenting, she was involved with drugs for a while, always lots of men etc. She's doing well, but it still remains to be seen if she'll be able to parent. If she can't it's my wish to keep the boys and let their mother see them. Only time will tell. I have another 3 year old, that this is just home, he sees his mom and dad, but it's just a visit and then he gets to come home. He never cries for them or asks for them. It's interesting how differently kids can behave.

Mommyto9

[bjolly]

most kids want to go home, even if the situation there was bad. it's very normal for them to feel that pull to their biological families.

[marsha4]

my 7 and 9 year old foster sons want to go home so badly, and they just cry their little eyes out at visits. It is so sad, it is a profound and deep bond they have with their family. My 6 and 8 year old foster daughters see their sisters every week, and shoot off in other directions to play with others, not their sisters. They talk about their mom and dad in vague terms, if they get out of jail someday, we might go back to live with them... They are happy with us and although they love their mom and dad, they don't have the bond with them that normal families have.

[TexasJingles]

Given the option of going home to bmom to my 3 and you'd get run over as they ran out the door to go to their "real" home! Now, if they had to move to another foster home, they say they will run and hide because they never want to leave here (hmmm, need to ask the 10 yr old that again after the trying day he gave me today!!)

The middle child told the oldest "you know mom wants another baby". (they hadn't lived together in 2+ yrs) His reply after a moment of thought was, "well, I guess the baby could come live with us". He knows bmom can't parent, the 2 younger had goodbye visit 6 months ago and know they can never go home, but that doesn't mean they don't still want to go!

We were told about this in classes. It's what the kids think is normal. Our 2 younger had the strangest looks of disbelief when I told them that they could NOT stay home by themselves while I went to the store! They pleaded, said they would lock the door and only watch TV! (Like I'd really believe that one!) They thought I was crazy and it was just not right! See, where they were was normal...we're the strange ones.

[roxanna425]

they all love their parents and most, the VAST majority want to go home. for them it was a normal situation and they love their parents and they do not see why they are separated. no matter how bad it is and some of the sitations are terrible, don't let them having been used to it fool you. if you are fostering so that the kids will thank you for "saving" them you'll be very disappointed.

[Crane13]

This is all so interesting. Thanks for the replies. We support the bfamily very much (through speaking well of them and letting the kids write to them etc) so I wasn't TOO surprised to hear that they can't wait to go home. I guess this si the norm, bless their hearts.

Thank you all for loving these kids and for doing what is right for them and teaching them about "normal."

Jill

[texastanya]

We had a four year old who talked about going home almost every morning. He wanted to go so desparately.
The morning we told him that he was going to get to go home, he cried. And when the case worker picked him up to take him home he was crying while we loaded him and his belongings in the car. He said he didn't want to leave us.

[SchmennaLeigh]

My parents ex-foster child wanted to go home with all of his being. He thought that if he acted out, treated my parents poorly and endangered those in my parents home (I no longer live at home since I'm oooold), he would get to go home. Unfortunately, the case worker and the court system decided to move him to a theraputic group home, which left everyone involved feeling like a big piece of crap. My Mother now feels like a failure. And the FS writes letters saying how he misses the family. I know my parents miss him and I wish they would understand that they are not failures. Poor things.

[NDN]

Almost all want to go home. Even if their parents were brutal to them, they still long to be with the family that they have always known. I think that pull would only be greater with children that were neglected and not abused. This is normal. I have spoken with adults that were abused as children and they all say that they felt loyalty to thei abuser, that is the most common reason that kids don't tell-they love that person and don't want them to get into trouble.

[FostermomCathie]

It is so difficult not to take comments about BP personally, but dont. Kids move through important phases if they are getting healthy, this could be phase four-depression. They may be tearful, wanting to be alone, not talking etc. Congratulations next could be acceptance. Dont try to cheer up the children, let them work through it with pictures, certain songs they like etc. Dont take things personally, just make comments like "I bet you do miss your mom".
I have had 3 girls now for a year (teens), every good meal I would cook they would make comments about how their moms was better. Just in the last month they started to say that they were digging food from dumpsters and their mom never fed them. They have accepted it as a part of their past now and can tell the truth without feeling like they are disrespecting their parents. Good Luck