[SashaSue]

I have a 3 month old fs whom I've had for a little over a month. I am a single woman who works a 40 hour a week job. This baby is so precious but when he wakes up for his 1:30 or 2:00 feeding he eats and then he's up! I have not had a good night's sleep (more than 4 hours) since he came. I have called his worker and requested they place him in another foster home with someone who didn't have to work outside the home and therefore wouldn't be bothered by staying up 3 or 4 hours a night. I feel bad about this but it is affecting my ability to function at work. I'm afraid of losing my job. I have fallen asleep on the train to work and missed my stop, I have practically fallen asleep at my computer at work and feel like I look 100 years old! My concern is that they are talking about terminating his mother's rights and the father doesn't care about her or the child but there are a few relatives out of state that are interested. My question is by having him moved out of my home to another foster home does this jeopardize my chances of adopting him IF none of his family is found suitable? I know this is probably not going to happen but would like some input anyway.

I really do hate to see this baby go, his is such a precious and sweet baby but I don't think I can endure another month of sleep deprivation. Of course I've been told that he should sleep through the night once he reaches 4 months...right!...I know there is no guarantee of that happening...

Please help!

Thanks,
Sasha

[tlc4kidz]

Hate to tell you, but our daugher did not sleep through the night until 13 months....one month before her brother was born. He is now 10 months and still gets up most nights. I have gotten used to it, but it is exhausting. Can you take FMLA? I took 3 months off (had a lot of time accumulated) when he was born and that helped.

I think you never know about family....they will have to be able to pass a home study. If you really want to adopt, then you need to be prepared that mothering is a tiring profession. I definately would not let on to the sw that I wanted him moved unless you have decided that this is more than you can handle. If you are so tired that you are unsafe caring for him then maybe you should consider taking a break for a while to re-evaluate. Just my 2 cents....I'm sure there are others with more insight.

[SashaSue]

It is too much for me to handle. I have had 2 infants previously and did not have this problem. This baby was born very small and has bad reflux problems so it is probably part of the reason for his sleeping issues.

I have already requested he be moved and he will be next week. I was told by the worker that he is moving to a foster/adopt home and it would be recommended that he be adopted there if he becomes available. I have made my peace with it because it is something that I cannot deal with at this point in my life. I am 45 years old and cannot afford to lose my job or fall asleep while driving and get into an accident, so this is the best solution for me. I will deal with the consequences of my actions but I feel it is in my best interest as well as the baby's...

I will now only accept toddlers or older...I've had enough babies and now I know my limits.

Thanks for your input...I appreciate it!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

{{SashaSue}} being 44 myself and mommy to 2 - 2 year olds and a 3 year old I can totally understand how you are feeling. I am a SAHM and could not imagine having to get up and go to work. Our older 2 y/o just started sleeping through the night in November, he turned 2 in Sept. We've had him since he was 4 weeks old and there would have been no way I'd be able to function if I needed to work outside the home, even if he was the only child I had.

You have made a good decision for you! I'm happy to hear you've made peace with the decision. Toddlers and younger kids can be fun but they do come with their own set of issues like needing to be picked up from daycare or school if they're sick. Being too sick to even go to daycare or school. I'd have been fired for missing too much work for sure lol. Some have sleep problems due to being hurt in the night.

I am in no way trying to dissuade you from being a foster parent. There no age that easy, there are some kids that are easier to parent but "our" kids come to us hurting and it's up to us to help them pick up the pieces.

Best of luck to you. I know that you can do this!! You sound like you love the kids but maybe need a break for a little while. Take time to catch up on your sleep and pamper youself before accepting a placement.

Oh, when you do get a placement you can feel free to pm me if you ever need to vent or just talk.

Michelle

[Crane13]

I have had premees, and the majic sleeping number is 11 pounds. Is he there yet?

Have you talked to the ped about helping him get into a normal sleep pattern?

Have you tried the feeding method where you feed him every two hours during the day, whether he is hungry or not. Then he gets enough calories in his system to go all night?

Have you limited his nap during the day?

I love to sleep too, so I know this can be hard. I read about a 2 year old who is up for adoption. He sleepes 5 hours a night and no naps. Whew. Too much for me to handle.

Good Luck.

[ChgoFAMom]

and STILL does not sleep through the night (she will be 3 next month)

I quit my job after 2 weeks - I got maybe 2 hours sleep a night for the first 6 months (not exaggerating or kidding) - For me I had to.

You made the right decision for you - I'm so proud that you are so honest with yourself and this child!

[leenab]

Hi Sasha,
We have a no baby policy as well. I'm a stay-at-home homeschooling mom of 2 with a DH who travels for work during the week. Well we had a baby for 2 weeks (a 6 week old) who didn't sleep through the night. Honestly our whole entire house fell apart. And we all learned a very hard lesson. Babies aren't for us, unless it's an emergency and they stay one night. Otherwise loosing sleep makes everyone crazy.

There are so many toddlers out there who wait and wait for adoption. Both of our sons were placed as older toddlers/preschoolers at ages 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. We really loved those ages at time of placement. And now they're growing up it's great. There's more and more that we can do as a family.

My son Raj doesn't sleep through the night either, at age 4 1/2. But at least he's old enough to play quitely in his room if he wakes up. No crying or bottles at this age. Just babygates and alarms to make sure he's not going outside to play, LOL.

[SashaSue]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

The baby is just now 9.5 lbs., he was 4 lbs. 11 oz. at birth and was only 2 weeks early. I have had the daycare keep him awake a lot during the day as well as my keeping him awake a lot in the evening, it just doesn't seem to do any good. I have a 2-year-old fs who sleeps through the night so I have hesitated putting the baby in the same room as him so he sleeps next to my bed in a bassinette (actually sleeps in his carseat which helps because of the reflux issue). He eats every 3 hours and the pediatrician recommended putting cereal in the formula but it still doesn't do change anything. He just has difficult sleep patterns...he is such a sweety but it's just more than I can handle at this point.

I will just focus on my 2-year-old fs and wait for the next placement which I will not take unless they are walking

You guys are great! Thanks for the advice!

[yanknrebel]

I have a 3 year old and a set of 1 year old twins. Our 3 year old (now adopted) sleeps in her toddler bed in our room. SHe likes to get up in the middle of the night and get in bed on my side with me. I love to cuddle with her, HOWEVER, she sleeps all crazy. One leg here, one leg over there, one arm across my neck, etc. LOL Makes sleeping with ehr hard. Last night she got in bed with us 3 times . I would wake up and put her back into her bed. Now this on top of our twins baby girl (fd) who DOES NOT ever sleep well, affords me only a few hours of sleep a night. Our fs (twin) sleeps wonderful. Twins go to bed at 7;30 -8:00 pm and by 12:00am fd is stirring and wanting to get UP. I have given in a few time, because while they have thier own cribs, they sleep in same room a I am afriad that fd will wake up her brother, IF I do not remove her and bring her in living room. While I have pacifiers, I have resorted to giving her one when she awakes. It calls her down and she goes back out. Until a few hours later about 3am and I am back up trying to rock her or pat her on the back and giving her pacifier (if I can find it after she has knocked it from crib). SO, I understand about babies. I was fortunate enough to take my 12 weeks of FMLA after we got our first placement 3 years ago (our daughter who we adopted last Dec). I worked one week and then KNEW it was not going to work. I worked night shift, so by the time I was getting home, and hubby had been up and down from her feedings, then I had to try and get some sleep and also take care of an infant. HA Like that was going to work. A week later, after starting my FMLA, my husband and I knew that IF we still had this baby in our home at the end of the FMLA that I would HAVE to quit work. I was so HAPPY to do so. LOL I had always wanted to be a SAHM.

[Withay]

SashaSue -

Is there any way that you can do your job at home? I am a 49 yo single woman who fosters infants. For the first 2 years I worked outside the home and since last June I work at home. My bosses were the ones who suggested it. They have been absolutely wonderful. I have the office phone at my house and when I need to leave for an appointment I simply forward it to my cell. Just a thought.

Right now I have a 4 month old boy and a 3 week old boy. The 4 month old wakes up 2 - 3 times a night and the 3 week old is up every 2 hours for at least 1/2 hour.

[SashaSue]

Dbl L,

I am an Executive Assistant to a VP and cannot do my job from home. I have to be here in the office to help him and the rest of the team on our floor.

My 2-year-old fs sleeps great! I just hope the next toddler does the same.

Sasha

[HappyMomAnna]

Well, there is just no way to know how children will do at any point in their lives...... trouble sleeping is problems for some people no matter the age....And MOMs usually are the ones kept awake at night....

Parenting is a LONG road...Foster--Adopt or by birth.... My experience has taught me that my sleep and my life are always pretty much the first place that is affected by the problems and issues another person in my home might suffer...

Just a few weeks ago we got hit by the Flue.... the first night I was up with a 3 year old barffing all over the place...and up all the next day with his fever--his meds--his poor little self all sick....The second night it was the 7 year old who was up pucking her guts out all night long...and sick and unable to go to school for the next three days.....eventually I thought I was off the hook and got into bed and what did I find but the most annoying snores from a stuffy nose roaring about the house all night long....and then the next night at last I had to be free--NOT because now I was kneeling over the thrown..... and sick for three days....finally, I thought life must be normal--but NO I was again wrong....because the 3 year old who started it all decided to do it all over again....

I understand and completely respect the desire to have a career...and that fact that being a mother and having a career is by far the most difficult challenge that a woman might ever attempt in her life.... But I think that it is important to decide which JOB is most important to us....

About 12 years ago my biological children were finally getting to the age where day care was about to no longer be the most important issue in my ability to work..... And after ten years of dealing with young children, finishing my education, and keeping my fingers in something that eventually I hoped would be my future career I finally found a position that I saw a future with....and a possible career of my life's dreams.... It had not happened without careful planning and dedication to the path I had made for myself....and I was just starting to see all my efforts come to a conclusion and my future was going to be exactly what I had decided.....

...........then one Sunday on December the 6th at 4:20 pm. the phone rang.........and with that ring my life changed in an instant and I as the mother had NO Choice in the Situation--No control--and No other options.......My career plan and all that had gone into it was Absolutely NO LONGER RELEVANT! What matter and the only thing that mattered was the fact that my 9 year old son had an accident which severed his left leg and--with any chance in Heaven maybe just maybe the reattachment of it would work....maybe not....either way the next two years had nothing to do with Me or My job or anyone except my son.....and his leg....and everything It took for him to keep it......

Parenting is NOT something that is easy or that cares about what the mom has to do in the morning.....so.....in all honesty I hope that everyone who does decide to Adopt especially is OK with the fact that sometime the job is second--sometimes the job is Last and sometimes the job is not even relevent....As foster and adoptive parents we do get to make a choice and if the choice is not about making the child the only important thing....there is often another family who can do the job.....

Sorry to sound mean....but, in this case we are able to make a choice--and it is not like we found ourselves in the situation of becoming a mother and having no options but to have a job...in order to support our child....In this case we are deciding to bring the child into our lives....and we are not in the situation that we have to do anything.....

Just my personal feelings--I understand wanting to parent....but parenting it a Full Time Job.

[SashaSue]

First of all, I am a single working woman who doesn't believe that careers come before children but I have to survive somehow and support myself, my animals and my foster kids...we are not all fortunate enough to have a spouse and are able to stay at home with the kids. I have chosen this road because I was unable to have kids of my own when I was married.

I'm not whining or complaining about going to work tired and sleepy under normal circumstances. I have had 2 other infants in my care previous to this one and they got up at night but always went back to sleep relatively easy. I know they are probably the exception, not the norm but we as foster parents are trying to help kids as best we can without sacrificing our own health/well-being that will do nothing to help these children if we are not at or near our best to take care of them.

My current fs was not in any daycare before coming to me and being unsupervised during the day and left alone to play and fend for himself, so which is the better situation for him now? His life is now more structured and he is learning while in daycare and is generally a very happy little guy. If he was my biological child I would still probably have to work because most households require 2 incomes just to survive and I'm not talking about people who are wealthy but nowadays it just takes so much to survive with the high price of everything...

It's importantant for some to recognize they know everything about being a foster parent, etc. and realize that their lives are not the same as everyone elses. And I also take exception to the fact that some people tend to look down upon those of us who are foster to adopt as being some kind of child stealers who are just waiting for some families to screw up so we can get their children or are just testing these kids out to see if we want to keep them or not. Foster parents do this because we care about children and feel like we are contributing to their lives and at the same time possibly building our own families. And there are so many different kinds of families that no one particular way is the best. We all have our reasons for why we do this so don't be judgmental until you have walked a mile in our shoes...

Sorry to get off the subject but I felt the need to voice my opinion since others have no problem voicing theirs...

[SashaSue]

And as far as "there is often another family who can do the job....." not in my area. There are about 400 foster kids in my county alone and only about 100 foster families...so there is a definite shortage of those willing to help...