[GingerR]

Unfortunately, I'm talking about myself, not my FC. :/

My husband and I are relatively new at this... licensed in November, got an infant placement in January (which we still have but are probably going to lose to a family member), and Monday night, we also took in a 4 year-old girl as a pre-adoptive placement.

Ever since the little girl arrived, I have found myself in tears at the end of each day. No... more like crying big-time, and I'm wondering if this is something other foster moms experienced, and why.

Is it the shock to your change of life? (we had no kids previously, a nice, easy, carefree lifestyle)

Is it knowing we're going to lose a baby we absolutely love and adore thanks to the system's take that DNA is some sort of holy standard?

Is it the sheer stress of being home with a four year-old who has some trying behavior, as well as a baby all day?

Not "falling in love" with the 4 year-old instantly the way we did with the baby, and feeling guilty about it?

Sheer exhaustion at the end of the day?

All of the above?

I don't think I had any idea whatsoever how difficult fostering was going to be... physically, emotionally, you name it, but the last thing I expected was that it would turn me into a big, sobbing cry-baby every night, LOL. I am generally a very strong, rational person, and even when I'm going through something difficult, I usually have a take that's more along the lines of... "that's the way it is --deal with it". Now I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment.

Anyone else go through this? Does it pass? Or does it sound like a warning sign that I'm just not cut out for this?

Thanks for any insights and experiences you wish to share.

Ginger

[Cobb]

Ginger, I know exactly how you feel. Last summer we had three girls (4, 5, & 6) placed with us, so went from 1 to 4... Everyday I was in tears! It was such a shock to my system. Since they were foster to adopt, I had moments where I would panic and think "what have I done?" Not only were there the issues that the girls brought, but I also grieved the loss of the life we had before they came.

What you're feeling is normal. Taking longer to fall in love with an older child is normal. It does pass with time...

I wish I could tell you what to do to make it easier. Venting does help, so feel free to do so here often.

(((((HUGS)))))

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Ginger,

I'm sure it is all of the above but mostly the shock to your system. You now have another child that is totally reliant on you and that's a huge responsibility. Every time another child is placed with you you will probably go through an adjustment phase where you will feel like you're losing control. You just need to hang on, it sounds like you're doing great, it does get easier and you can do this.

When my 2 were placed with us they were 4 weeks and 13 months, I swear I cried for over a year LOL. If it wasn't for my friend and their social worker I sincerely believe I would have thrown in the towel.

Ooh, another thought, if your state provides respite care, take advantage of it! You need time to recharge your "batteries" every once in a while.

Best of luck.

Michelle

[kforkids]

Ginger,
I'll agree! You are caring for a newborn and a 4 year old, and you jumped into it! You had no prep time, these kids come suddenly and you get all the fallout of adjustment! Try to pamper yourself some- which I know is hard!

It is so hard sometimes to deal with such needy kids and with the "system". Especially, I would think, in your case when your ENTIRE life has changed SO much! This board is such a great resource, I'm glad you've got it now.

It sounds to me like you are right on track!

[Crane13]

I hesitate to write this because I don't think it is what you want to hear...

First, you are justified for your reactions. I have had 7 kids so far, (and 10 parents) and it seems to take me a month or two to really feel like they are mine and I am theirs. Part of this reaction is for my own protection, as some children are with us a week before a relative gains custody or the child goes home.

Are you foster-to-adopt?

Foster care means caring about the bfamily too. It means caring about the DNA and hoping that the family can get their ducks in a row and learn the skills needed to sucessfully raise a family. It is about hoping for what is best for the kids. Kids can pick up on the "mood" of foster families towards their bfamily. Even 4 year olds. You might not like the way the child was being raised, but supporting the child means supporting the family.

If your kids were in foster care and you could not raise them, wouldn't you want your mom, sister, aunt to step in and help them out?


*Looking back, I realize that you are pre-adoptive placements. No child is legally free until the day the papers are signed. Speaking well of the family will help your fdaughter out SO MUCH if she does go back to her family.

I am not trying to make you mad, but you did say that you are new to this. I fell for our first placement and my heart broke when he left. Now I am able to remember that these are somebody else's babies. Embracing the bfamily leaves the door open for them to contact you if then need to in the future. Seems pretty win-win to me.

[GingerR]

Crane 13,

My issue is really not with the 4 year-old's bf at ALL...
I'm very aware of the importance of not speaking badly about them, though I won't say I hold any compassion for them either. Just for the children.

My vent is only in reference to how emotionally exhausted I'm feeling, and whether others felt the same way (like crying constantly) at any given point in time.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

It will take a while Ginger but things will settle down. Just try to rest whenever you can to regain your strength.

Believe it or not, the compassion for their family will come too. As a new foster parent I could not, for the life of me, imagine how I could even be civil to someone that hurt their child. The more parents I have interacted with the more I realize that, if not for the grace of God, I could be that parent. If any of our lives had been different than the life we were blessed with we could be making the bad decisions these parents are making.

I'm a foster/adopt home and would be willing to adopt almost any child that is placed with me, however, before that could happen, I would need to know that I had done everything in my power to help the parents get their kids back. I want to be able to look my kids in the face and say that we did all we could but their mom and dad loved them but were just not able to parent them.

Best of luck with fostering. It can be very stressful but it has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

Michelle

[leenab]

It is an emotionally exhausting thing. I have 2 4yr olds, both adopted and placed when they were 2 /12 & 3 1/2. We still have days where I'm just emotionally exhausted. Like yestreday for example: It was my sons b-day, the night before he couldn't sleep and crawled into our bed 3 times. Each time I let him fall asleep and then moved him to his bed...then he was back again. BIG SIDE NOTE: he doesn't do well with holidays at all. We took him out to dinner for his b-day and he cried at dinner 3 times.(1. not liking the chair 2. food was taking what he though t to be too long 3. i don't see the lobsters). We go out to eat once a week and this never happens. It's just one of those emotional days. And this weekend he's having a big birthday party (his first one as last yr we just had a small immediate family one). So we're in for the ride of our life with that.

And there are days where both boys push the limits and just don't want to listen. And I cry. Of course I can cry at the drop of a hat, or a sad tv show. Just very emotional. I usually end up laughing though because it's such silly crying on my part.

Personally I would take a dozen 4 year olds over a baby anyday. I value my sleep too much. And I become an emotional nightmare without enough sleep. COnstant tears. Are you getting enough sleep?

Hang in there.
-LeenaB

[GingerR]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the replies and understanding and support... it's good to know I'm not alone in the foster care jitters. :/

I think the term "pre-adoptive placement" can be very daunting, especially with an 'older' child who comes with issues. Then there's everyone asking you after a day or two if you've made your decision about adoption. It's just a lot of pressure and expectations, and here you are just trying to get through each day meeting their needs... which are many, many with a four year-old, lol.

More sleep is definitely in order -- not always easy with a baby, but when at all possible, at least 8 hours is going to be at the top of my priority list from here on out.

Thanks again, and God bless all of you who for making a difference in the world.

[Katrinad]

Although having had no experience fostering yet, I've always found a regular cry session to be a great stress reliever. Let it all go.

[TexasJingles]

You're not alone... and neither am I!!

We've had our 3 (10, 8 {9 in 2 weeks} and 7) for just over 4 months (very low risk foster-to-adopt). We'd only had my dh's daughter down for 6 weeks in the summer before this (so basically zero to 3). We were licensed Aug. 31, 2004 and placement was Oct. 22 (notified on a Monday, placed on Friday of the same week).

There are still days where I feel so emotionally drained (like today when the 10 yr old acts like the 7 yr old (the tantrum king) and if I hear that word "whaaaat!" in that irritating voice of veiled innocence one more time I'm going to lose it!). I know these kids are working through some big emotions and testing like crazy, but that doesn't help! There are days I'm soo tired I can't sleep.

I've also had that "what have we done" feeling and thoughts. Also, "can we really do this" and "I'm not really sure this is what I want". And then those lovable crazy kids go and do something that makes me laugh! Like tonight when I asked the older 2 to get the days trash out of the car they spent 45 minutes and CLEANED the car top to bottom! That's when I know for sure... yes, this is for me and yes, we can do this (perhaps by the seat of our pants).

As time goes by, it is getting better... and then we take a step backwards (2 steps forward, 1 step back). I've learned to let dh take over for about 30 minutes when he gets home and I retreat to our room for some much needed me time.

Hang in there!

[2boyz1girl]

Ohhhh yeah! I am NOT one to cry, at least I never was until we started fostering. Our dd came to us at 10 days, she was our first placement. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We didn't understand the system, we naively expected it to be much more cut and dry. When things didn't go how we expected, I cried. Every time dd went on a vist, I cried. When I thought of having to let my baby go, I cried. Actually, on the way to the hospital to see dd for the first time (minutes after the call came in), I cried. When we took that emergency placement of 3 siblings (3 yrs, 18 mos., and 6 wks -- on top of the three we already had), and I was sooo overwhelmed, I cried. Pretty much EVERY time I got off the phone with the caseworker, I cried. Get the picture? I can't believe how much I have cried through all of this. But it does get better. You figure out how things work...you eventually accept that your job as a foster parent IS to "foster" these kids while social services works to return them safely to their bparents...or until they finally decide that it is in their best interest to be adopted and parental rights are terminated. You toughen up and harden your heart. I still cry easier than I ever did before. But stay or go, the fact that you are able to give these kids a good home for however long you have them, is all worth it in the end.

[nursie]

Oh, yes, crying all the time...........I am finding out that this strong woman has been reduced to tears now at the drop of a hat. I have even apologized for crying but I think people do understand how emotional foster care is when I describe what I am feeling and my concerns for the children. Many say "I don't know how you do it." Obviously they are referring to the emotional, mental, physical stamina it takes to do what we do and not fall apart. So, I say bring on the Kleenex and let the tears flow. Holding it in doesn't do us any good. Our love for the children shows in our lives mission to help them in any way we can whether that be reunification, adoption by us, or transitioning to an adoptive home. It is a lot to ask of a human being to love them, help them heal, and then feel responsible for them with absolutely no control in the situation.
So, let's allow ourselves to cry a river of love for the children and know that it is normal , OK, and that we are not alone.
Thanks for this thread.

[sfbaymom2000]

Hi Ginger,

I just repied on your more recent thread about whether this palcement is right for you. I just got done crying on the phone to a friend about the awful day I've had with M. I feel alot better now.

Today I know why I cried...she was driving me crazy! But in the first few weeks she was with us, I did cry "for no reason". I later realized I was experiencing "post placement depression". Some people may not have heard of that, but I did some reading on it. It felt similar (but not as bad) as the postpartum depression I had after C was born. Just recongnizing that that was what I was feeling made me feel better...like I was not just a "bad mom".

Anyway, I know you are having a tough time with the four year-old. I do hope it gets better.