[Love_um_all]

Ok, I posed the question before, and everyone just said, "don't". Now the problem is, he is not furniture to return if we don't like him. My question, is- is this beyound "normal"?
We have had J since he was 5mo. old, got him from another foster family who had him since birth. We also have an adopted girl, who we had since birth, they are both very close in age, and I think that is part this issue. Since he came to live with us, he has always seem distant, and never really bonded to me. I have tried and tried and tried, bc my dh loved him and wanted to keep him should he become availble. Now we have TPR, file is in process of transfering to an adoption cw, and I have cold feet. DH is starting to see what I have been seeing for months now.
J is becoming increasingly aggressive to me and to the other children, and to his speech therapist. He slapped her face and threw food around this week for his session. For the longest time he has never liked me, or at least so it seemed. He has a terrible temper. In the past, he would try to kick me when I would put his shoes on. Spit on me.
Now, he is slapping everyone. He pushes DH away. Screams for long periods of time, hates any form of restraint, even if he is just in the high chair or car seat. He won;t even let me change his clothes or diaper, it is a war to do that. He is unually strong for he little size. He is almost stronger than me. He head butts me into my face or collar bone, and that really hurts. He will grab my face and squeeze my lips up till I pull away bc it hurts. He doesn't kiss... When he wants a kiss, he opens his mouth wide and sticks his tongue out and leans in... I don't know about ya'll but that is not an appealing offer.... I just close his mouth and push his tongue back and then kiss him.
I am at a loss, bc this is the rest of our lives we are talking about. We do have an appointment at an attachement center who will do a very good assessment of him so we can find out what is going on... but honestly right now, DH and I feel like this is very scarry... and don't know if we can handle this child. I know some of it may be bc he is almost two, but really, he is still a long way from two... he is 16 months. And he was 4 weeks premie so, gustationally, he is 15mos.
Please help....

[riley6]

Do you want a brutally honest answer or a sugar-coated one? If you want a brutally honest one, read on, if you want a "nice" answer, I'll tell you to do what's in your heart.

Brutally honest, you sound like you're totally wiped out, runned down, dead tired. Anyone would be with four kids under three would be! You have to stop fostering and focus on this little one if he is to heal. ALL of your attention and energy has to be spent on getting him healthy. It's not going to happen with four children all this young, who need you so desperately. If you want him to heal and be a forever member of your family, get a great attachment therapist and work HARD to help this little one!

((((hugs to you))))))))) I know you're doing your best and are exhausted. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone else. Get a warm cup of tea, pour a bath with lots of bubbles, light some candles and give your dh night duty with the kids!

[Love_um_all]

We went to the attachment center. She believes that he is attached to us. That there is something else going on. His brain is overloading really fast, as he is getting overstimulated within minutes. This is an inmature brain, and brain damage. She did not want to label him, but the pamplet she gave me has a list of possible diaignosis. Including, BiPolar, Autism, Obsesive Compusive Disorder, Brain Injury, stroke, cerebral palsy, etc... these are all very serious things here... I feel, after looking into these things, that he is showing signs of Autism.
Now, I don't feel that I am up for this. This is beyound me. Please don't be so quick to critize. We are deciding against adoption of this child. It makes me sad, but I just cann't do that. I think about there is someone out there who wants one child, and wants to do everything to make that one child complete. I have my hands full. In fact, my cup runneth over... I love children, but I feel my place in this world is to help many children. I am just very sad...

[Cobb]

((((((Love Em All))))))

No judgement here... In fact, I commend you for being honest with yourself about what you can and cannot handle. There is absolutely nothing wrong about evaluating the impact this little one will have on your life and family. You know yourself best... I'm so glad you didn't let your ideas about what you "should" do get in the way of what you know is right. None of us are able to give to children what they need if we are stressed and overwhelmed. And hopefully, this child will have the opportunity to be parented by someone who can handle his special needs. I get the idea that you feel guilty... Please DON'T... We can't be all things to all people and that's okay!

Many hugs to you and your family...

[Love_um_all]

I did not realize I sounded like I was feeling guilty, if anything, I though it sounded kinda cold. I don;t know how any one with a heart could not feel just a little guilty. I just feel so sad for him that I can't help him. I want so many good things for him, but I cann't be all and do all. He is a bueatiful child. Big brown eyes, with long curly eyelashes, soft brown curls on his head. I feel that he is young enough, that he will find a nice family... That is my prayer right now... Thank you Cobb... and Riley... Riley, I appreciate what you said, and I did change my way of thinking, and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and after talking to the attachment specialist, I can see that attachment is something that can be built... I was ready to do that to help him, I was unprepared for this. Thanks ya'll...

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

The whole purpose of learning all you can about a child is to see if you could parent this child. There is NOTHING wrong with making the decision that you cannot adopt this child.

You are absolutely right, there are people out there better equipped to raise an autistic child. It is better to realize now that you aren't the best placement for him that to have adopted him and need to disrupt.

Michelle

[bjolly]

if you tried to keep him and adopt him, when you aren't able to handle his needs, you wouldn't be helping him. this way, you are helping him, by letting him go so that he can find his way to someone who can give him all that he needs.

try to take comfort in knowing that you're doing the best thing for him.

[leenab]

My suggestion is to scheule a neurodevelopmental evaluation of J, if he ahsn't had one already. Is he in EI? OT? You did mention speech that's why I asked. Has he seen a geneticist?

As a mom of a special needs child I can tell you they need a lot of extra care and attention to help them flourish and blossom. You it be that J feels that you're not as attached to him as the other children. I know children can sense a lot of things.

With 4 children 3 & under it sounds like you're overwhelmed. I think what it boils down to is you keep J and focus on him and Melissa. This way you'll be far less tired and stressed. Or you can continue to foster and not adopt J. Or you can find a way to do it all.

We went through a period with Raj, right after we submitted adoption paperwork he was DX with ADHD, SID, developmental delays and possible FAS. We were very upset and had to re-evaluate whether or not we could continue forward with the adoption. Well, after a lot of sole searching we realized we could. The only difference between Raj on the day before his evaluations and the day after was that we had labels for what he was dx with. We loved him the day before and I even considered canceling the appointments. And the day after we still loved him. We were committed to providing for him and helping him. I was so driven to get him on-par with children his age and help him overcome his delays. Well, it worked because my son Raj can read at age 4. He amazes me everyday. Was it hard, difficult, did I want to pull out all of my hair at times, yes. But we made it through.

You really have to figure out what you can handle in a child. Can you deal with behavior problems, possible dx that sound horrible. What can your family handle? Are you prepared for the worst, but willing to try to make it the best?

We were told Raj would never be mainstreamed, LOL. Well now he needs to be bumped ahead because he's testing ahead of age. We were also told he'd not be able to live alone when he got older and would most likely need to be in a halfway/group home. This is a little boy who at 4 yrs old cleans up after himself, makes his bed, puts away his laundry, reads, adds, subtracts and is very responsible for 4.

So if you're willing to put in the time, love and effort then adopt. If not there are other people out there who are willing to do it.

It's a tough choice,
LeenaB

[TexasJingles]

My input is from being a step-mom to a wonderful 13 yr. daughter with mild autism, mr, adhd, odd, and a few other things. I also have a very good friend who's son is now 6 and has severe autism.

Having an autistic child IS NOT like any other child, especially when they are so young. Most doctors I know won't, or can't diagnose autism until age 5 (and yet, you know there is something really different about this child!). It is hard work!

We have a foster/adopt son with PTSD and ODD and my step-daughter can out do him when it comes to tantrums. We have to deal with the possibility that she will never live on her own (we're still struggling to get her to bathe and other hygiene matters). Yes, she has made progress, but not very fast. It is a life-long committment. There is no healing from autism, just ways of dealing with their special qualities.

I would never give up my relationship with my step-daughter, and I commend her mother (who takes care of her most of the year), but I would have to agree with others that you have to spend a LOT of time one-on-one to give them what they need.

[Love_um_all]

LeenaB, you are doing an awesome job with your son. I know that and I know how deeply commited you are too him. You asked, "Are you prepared for the worst, but willing to try to make it the best?" My answer, is -no. I am not willing to give all that is left of me to save him, which, I can not fix him. He did have an MRI done on his brain, as the doc at TX Childrens said she thought his head looked small, but it turned out ok... the small head is due to Fetal Alcohol... which is also suspected. The best I can hope for is help him, which is what I have been doing since day one when he came to me. He is recieving OT and Speech, he has been doing OT since he was 7mo. old. The phycotherapist did commend me on the his progress. She said from his photos, and my records from other professionals, he has made good progress. But, her office is over two hours away, and that is just one way... for her to see him, it is an all day event. There are other children who need me too. I am not willing to lay down my life and my marriage, my family for him, esp. when I know there is a really special person out there who will do a better job, bc that is their job- to focas on him, and make him better. I lay down my life everyday for all the children.... I do what is needed, and do for them, and I am not complaining, that is my choice and I love fostering. I really love these little kids, and now that I am really starting to figure it out, and get good at it... (for whatever that means), now, I would have to stop and spend all my time and energy trying to make J ok... I feel I give and give, and there is nothing left to give, but I do anyway, and that is ok, bc I choose it... this is what I want to do... I have an autist neice... she could not potty train till she was 6. It took many years of school before she could read, I think it was like 6th grade... they just kept passing her through. She is 16 now, and all she does is play with her nintinendo... HOurs and hours, that is all she wants to do... Ask her what she wants to do with her life after high school, "I dunno..." and goes back to her nintinendo. Now, it is hard to critizise her family as her mom is bipolar, and my brother, he works... alot... the mom can't work and has episodes... of strange behaviors... so, she does not get the best of care possible.
I know it can be done.... I just don't want to do it... I am not totally in love with him, and never really was... the bond is just not there for me... He has never felt like "my son" I want that for him, he needs someone who is ready to open their heart to him and love him.
Please keep baby J in your prayers... Thanks ya'll. It is good to talk about this, even if we disagree on it... I appreciate the support...

[JenWen]

I totally agree with your decision. If you're not sure that you're the right family for him, it's better for all of you (him too!) to let him go and let God find the right family for him. You aren't doing yourself, your family, or this child any good by biting off more than you can handle. The best gift you can give the foster care system and your family and the children you reach out to help is to accurately and honestly assess your capabilities and work within them.

There is nothing to be guilty about or feel bad about in admitting that you're over your head. It takes a tremendous amount of courage.

BIG HUG.

Jen

[Love_um_all]

It is amazing to me, they have found a placement for him already. the new family has been fostering 7-8years, have five children already. She is the one who recommended the attachment therapist and she goes there often... She will be taking him for respite for a few days to get to know him and start a relationship. I feel confident she will be good for him... I still feel sad, it is still a loss for us and him... This is never easy...

[riley6]

Sending prayers for all of you!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Just find peace knowing you have done all you can and you did it well.

It sounds like this new family will do a good job and do what he needs to help him. I'm glad you have confidence in them.

Michelle

[Love_um_all]

It just hit me, what am I doing? I can't sleep, I cant think... this bueatiful baby, I do love him. She has 5 children and he will be number 6 and that is the best they can do? I don't even think they looked for the best home, just someone who would take him... Will I ever be able to forgive myself for this... I feel I am giving away my little boy. I held him tonight, as he was crying in his bed, I got him and held him... and he was actually smiling at me. Looking at me, and smiling and giggling... I have to give him to her for the next three days, and I don't think I am ready... I know that I don't have to do this, but I am so torn... I can't keep going back and forth. Am I crazy...??? I feel crazy...