[tybeemarie]

My husband and I got our children, a sibling group of 3, in November! They are a girl, age 6; a boy, age 7; and a girl, age 9. These are children we had met in the summer, had visits, fell in love, then their then foster mother decided she wanted to adopt after all, we lost them, and then, with 3 hours notice, they were placed with us.

We've been out of our house, which we've been remodeling for our larger family, so I didn't have internet access. Boy, did I miss you all!

We feel very, very blessed. We love the children, and already, they love us. Somewhat predictably, I suppose, the kids have a far more troubled history than the social workers knew. As they feel comfortable with us, they disclose horrific acts of abuse in their former foster home. We are dealing with the aftermath, of course.

I wish I could say that I am invariably calm and therapeutic in my response to their behaviors, but I am not. I have found that within me dwells a nagging witch, a shouter of commands, even, this morning, a screamer. Not screaming a command, just a scream of frustration. Who am I to counsel them to learn self-control when I myself get so irritated? I am a grown woman with every advantage life offers, including a loving husband who's a terrific father. I know what I tell them, and which they have even done sometimes: walk away, do some deep breathing, write in a journal, draw a picture. I tried walking away last night after a big homework battle --or rather, a series of battles throughout the day--with my oldest daughter, but when I do that, they follow me, to tantrum or just to be low-grade annoying. I know, they follow me because I'm their mother and they're scared and hurt and they need me. But after a few hours of all of us cooped up in the house for the holiday (we had to wait on the telephone guy to do some hook ups), I was fully irritated and there was nothing in the peace and calmness tank to distribute. Ultimately, my daughter decided she'd work on her science project and that she did need my help, and we did the project, she felt pretty proud of herself and even wants to do the experiment again, for fun. We had a nice good night routine after that, and she was very sweet this morning. It was then the turn of the youngest to just push buttons. It worked. Then I saw them at Mass (our parochial school has Mass with the rest of the church community once a week), and we were all so happy to see each other and exchange a hug and a kiss. We are so up and down! I would like to be the calm port in the storm. Clearly, they are going to have a lot of storms emotionally because of the terrible things they have experienced. So, the issue really is: how do I stay calm?


What do you all do? How do you fight off the sheer aggravation? How do you button-proof yourself?

So glad to be back among you! And for those of you out there waiting to be matched, it will happen. It is a hard, hard road, but it will happen. Best of luck!

[leaabc123]

There will be times when you get aggravated and can not stay calm. If the children are not hurting themselves, then can you take a time out?

One very experienced foster parent, that we knew, would take a book into the bathroom and sit fo 5 minutes. Her foster kid hated that because they lost their audience.

It may be hard to do, but is there anyone who can watch the kids once in awhile so you and your husband can get out for a few hours? If not, then is it possible for the two of you to each take a night off (or even a few hours?). Sometimes, I even get a kick out of just going to the grocery store by myself.

Lastly, if you do make a mistake, be honest with the kids about it and apologize. They will see it is okay to make a mistake (once in awhile) and that it is good to take responsibility for it as well.

[Awaiting]

You have absolutly got to make time for you! Even though mine are at school for 6 hours, I am running from one end of town to the other getting errands done. I find that at least once a week I get ME time. I go to the gym, to a movie with my hubby or just drive to a park and watch the ocean. But in those times where there is no me time and I have to fight back my feelings, I just tell them mommy is having a time out. I will go to my room, close the door, turn on the tv, read a book or listen to some jazz or classical music. I have to regroup. I make myself do it when I hear my voice crack, my anger rise or my wits leaving. I catch it before I regret it. I promised my son never to yell at him again after I did once, Really loudly and he stood there stunned. My best advice is to just walk away and regroup.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Welcome to parenthood LOL. First I want to say that there is no such thing as perfect parents and WE ALL DO THINGS WE REGRET! I want you to know that, by how you say things end, i.e, she did the project and you had a good routine; we met at Church and were happy to see each other, I can tell you are good parents.

I was at training today and the Psychiatrist that was leading the group made the comment that good parents do the right thing 35% of the time - 35% CAN YOU IMAGINE??? That's not very much but apparently there is scientific evidence that children with parents that do the right thing 35% of the time grow up to be happy and well-adjusted. He further stated that we should, of course, strive for 100%. Man, I could have used that information 20 years ago when I had my first LOL.

Take time out for yourself. Take time for you and your spouse. The kids are old enough to be helping with chores, it teaches them responsibility and actually makes them feel like an important member of the family. I tend to be a "yeller" too so I know what you're saying and how you're feeling. Someone on here told me, "the good thing is we get another chance to do it right."

I'll bet you are doing a great job with the kids. If you can say that you are still all happy when you see each other, that says alot for their attachment to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Michelle

[lambeausam]

tybeemarie - It is un-human to be calm all the time. We are people and need to show emotion. I exploded one day and yelled - not at the boys but about the boys. I felt bad about it, but did find some relief from the situation by taking the opportunity to talk to the boys about my reaction - what triggered it, what would have been a better response.

Michelle - just think with a correct parenting average (CPA) of .350, we're better than most major league baseball players!

Sam

[jenandnaomi]

I don't know any tips on how to calm down, but I can tell you that I relate. My little one's can't talk yet but sometimes when they both throw a fit at the same time I feel like pulling my hair out I got stuck at the mechanic's the other day for two hours without the kids. I read every magazine in the dirty waiting room in peace. It was almost like a spa day it was so refreshing. It really made me remember to take some time for me every once in a while.

[mallory4]

I think you should give yourself a lot of credit, it sounds like your standards for yourself are pretty high and that you are able to see where you are in relation to your goal, and that is a major accomplishment in itself!

We all lose it in front of our kids sometimes. If they never saw us at the point where frustration has us ready to holler, they might grow up thinking that we-- the ever calm and therapeutic parents-- are in control of our behavior because we are just a different kind of creature than they are, and it is easier for us than for them....if once in a while they see that we are flipping our lids, they can be that much more sure that the anger and frustration they feel is part of being human, and they, too, can eventually learn to react calmly most of the time.

Also, if you are a parent who often responds calmly and kindly, and today you don't, your kids will have an opportunity to examine their role in creating that outcome and think about any responsibility for it. If a parent is either always calm OR always yelling, the child can't learn how their behavior contributes to the outcome, since the outcome is the same no matter what they do.

All that being said, sometimes it can help to put on a show of calmness, either because a display of your current emotion might scare your child or because you would be a public laughing stock for howling at the ceiling in Target, so...

One of the parenting books I read years ago suggested learning to fake calmness. You can't always feel calm, but sometimes you can fake it for five minutes to diffuse the situation and then address it once it isn't actually working your last nerve.

I found the technique incredibly helpful when my kids were younger and their high neediness left me often feeling overwhelmed.

As I recall, the steps to faking calm involved sitting down at a time when you actually are calm, and thinking about how you sound and look to your kids when you are responding calmly. Get a mental picture of your face, body language, tone of voice, the whole deal. Your goal is to be able to turn it on like a switch when you need it, so you want to get it down pat---learn it like you are preparing for a role in a play. Practice saying things calmly that you might need to say in a moment of extreme frustration.

Say them out loud, and imagine yourself using the facial expression and body language you would use if you were calm. Then, when you need to fake feeling calm, you are in practice and can do it more easily. There were many times when my kids were younger that fake calmness worked wonders, either because 1)someone was trying to push buttons and thought it wasn't working so they went away to come up with a different diabolical plan, leaving me time to get my anxiety level down or 2) faking it bought me five or ten minutes to think what factors might be behind the current crisis (a child's hunger, tiredness, jealousy, fear, frustration, whatever)and how I would want to deal with it on my BEST day, and then figure out how I was going to deal with it given the resources (patience, energy, time) I had available to me today.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to both congratulate you for your effort and desire to be calm all the time, and share this method which helped me a lot

Peace! Mal

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Sam,

I am LMAO, that's what the doctor that did the training used as a comparison!

Geeze, we need the 10 million dollar paychecks LOL.

Michelle

[Peggy]

Several people have already mentioned this. But it saved me a few times. Give yourself a time-out. Announce it. I am having a time out right now. Close the door, and no one can come in. Give yourself 5 minutes...Longer if your husband is home. I have yelled and regretted it. But, I apologize. Plus my daughter now knows anger does not result in violence and I am not giving her up.(No matter how angry I become).

[leenab]

It's difficult, the first 3 months are the time for them to tet the limits and get comfortable. We've been there. The most important thing to do is to be consistant with discipline and rules. Each unwanted behavior has to have a consequence.

My mother thought I was too militaristic as a parent this summer. But i told her we have rules and they are to be followed. My sons have time-outs, meditation time, crying or tantruming will get them sent to their bed until they stop, any messes they make they clean-up or help clean up, they are in charge of their belongings and if they don't take care of them they're taken away.

I know it sounds like a lot for a 3 & 4 yr old, but our house runs VERY smoothly because of it. The boys very rarely get in trouble now, as they know the rules. There is the rare day that they have to go to time-out or their bed to calm down. But honestly it's once every 1-2 months at the most.

Children need rules. WE tried the NO RULE/NO STRUCTURE way and I thought I was going to go deaf from screaming. It only lasted a week, but it was too much for me. If given a chance children will run wild, especially children who've been in the system.

So lots of rules and structure. Since your children are older you can have a written schedule and list of rules and consewuences. You can even let them suggest consequences. And post them throughout the house.

Hang in there, it get better,
LeenaB

[Perfect_Mother2]

Congrats on meeting your future son 1/15/05 how are things going?

[msheartofgold]

Hey Momma's & Poppa's don't worry we all go through the "Oh my goodness I can't wait to bedtime, schooltime, daycare time, and nap time lol or anytime the kids are at their best" Do like i did when we had older fosters tell them mommy has been a good girl and she needs a time out send me to my room, and do something you enjoy for a few min.
Be Strong and Good Luck

[Awaiting]

things are going great. We are picking him up for a 12 day stay here on Wednesday. I can't wait. He is just the sweetest.
Thanks for asking
B

[2Smiles]

We adopted a sibling group of 2 last August. Our daughter is 5 1/2 and our son 2 1/2. They are awesome but a handful. I just read a book the other day "adopting the hurting child" in the book it explained something that I wasn't aware of. My daughter was very loving and had a great personality but she would "out of no where" just start to cause as many problems as she possibly could. You'd ask her to look at you and she's look away. It was just crazy. But in this book I learned that I was "setting her up to fail by uses 2 phrases that I guess are a big "no no". Because of their background you aren't to say to foster/adopted children "You did great these past 2 days" or any general praise. It will subconsciously make them nervous and they will "crash and burn". They compared it to learning to ride a bike. Dad's holding on and your doing great...he lets go and your still doing great. He yells "your doing it...you're really doing it all by yourself.... GREAT JOB" and then you suddenly fall down. You realize your doing it and it scares you...same with the kids. All praise has to be task specific. The other "trigger" for this unwanted behavior was saying, "If you act nicely today we can go _______ for a treat". This will also cause them to "spiral downward". They are afraid they won't live up to your exceptions and they would rather just do as much wrong behavior as they can rather then to try and risk not being able to do it and having you take something they REALLY WANT away from them. There is one more thing that I learned that helped me...that these children didn't get the cycle of "have a need...cry.... Need met" as a baby. Instead they learned how to provoke their parents/caregivers to make them angry. They knew they were going to get yelled at or hit so they learned how to provoke it at times to feel control. So these children will test you and push your buttons because that is the cycle they know. They want to make you mad, proving that they still need their old ways or "survival tools". Knowing this really helped me. I guess because I realized it wasn't personal. She wasn't doing anything to "me". I also realized that this isn't part of her personality. I'm trying let her see me mad at all costs. Taking the power away from her. As soon as I stopped using those 2 phrases and stopped letting her see me angry my life seems so lighter.

Sorry this is so long...but I've been so worn out lately and this really helped me and I wanted to share it.

[1of2moms]

In December and January we joked that our fson was going through the age of 3 with us. Everything was no and testing. But he never really got to do that with his bmom and then went through 4 fhomes in 18 months. Every time he tested, out he went. I was really losing it at time and would sit and cry after he went to bed. Two things really helped. The first was to take up some of our friends on watching him for an hour or two so we could get out. Harder with 3 kids but still a possibility?

The second was MUCH harder and came from my mother. After D had a particularly bad melt-down complete with "I hate you" and "I want a new family" my mom suggested the following. When D was being his most awful, go in to his room (or where he was), take him on my lap, and tell him I love him. When she emailed me that, I thought she was out of her mind. Here I wanted to kill him and this was her suggestion? But after much talking to myself, I tried it. And my golly, it worked. At that moment I did not feel much love but I said it and we did a bit of snuggling, and things were much better.

That said, we all lose it at some point. Give your self a break and lock yourself in the bathroom or as one foster parent I know did, organize your pantry (if it is not big enough for two).
Good luck