[roomformore]

We got two foster children a month ago. Girls ages 6 and 5. This is our second placement but our first one was very short-one week. I also have two children of my own-a girl age 9 and boy age 6. The problem is the 5 year old foster daughter will not stop showing off her private parts to my son. We had the talk about it not being proper and it being private and both her and my son had a time out and loss of a privelage. My son does not expose himself but is more than willing to look when she says "want to see my privates"! Her worker came and talked to her about this. I have stopped allowing anyone in her room(except her sister)and no one is allowed to play with her alone. She even asked my 9 year old daughter is she wanted to see! My son told her "no" both times but he did not run off and she showed him anyway. I have been trying to be very vigilant but last night our realtor was over and both my husband and I had to look over the purchase agreement and the kids all had been abiding by the "no one play alone with Her". WELL after realtor left I went to check on them and She and my son were in the bathroom together and she was going to the bathroom. She invited him in. I cannot trust either of them. I mean he does not expose himself but if she offers he will look! I cannot leave her alone. I called to report this and they said it is unreasonable to believe I can watch her all the time. Has anyone else dealt with this? I have never had to deal with this with my own kids before now. She has a multitude of problems but this one bothers me the most. I don't want my son to be constantly exposed to this. I am now to the point of keeping her with me at all times. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am really stumped.

[lucyjoy]

Ask ot have the child removed. If your son were willing to tell and walk away, it might be possible to continue the placement. Until then, attach the girl to you at all times. Her sister should not be allowed in her room either as she likely is exposing herself to her as well.
This child needs counseling and the potential for harm in this situation in my opinion is high.

[MeLisa]

Just a suggestion for now untill a more perminate solution could be made. Have her wear overalls they are hard for little kids to get off. Maybe also find a cartoon at your local movie store on privacy. I don't know if either will help but it is worth a try.

[riley6]

You have got to keep that child with you 24/7. I mean it, she can't be out of your sight. I have one of those telephone cord type thingies with velcro straps on each end. I kept my dd's arm strapped to mine for almost a month straight in order to keep her (2 yr oldER) brother safe from her. This little girl is grooming your son. The behaviors are going to escalate if given the opportunity.

Why are you punishing him? If she raped him, would it be his fault? You brought this child into your home and subjected your son to her behavior, now he's getting punished for it? You're setting him up for a lack of trust. Please don't punish him for being "willing to look". He is being sexually abused.

[lucyjoy]

I don't know about not punishing the boy. It is very serious that he won't tell his mom. Maybe explain to him that if he comes to he won't be in any trouble. Maybe discipline for keeping quiet but not the looking.

I agree this is grooming behavior. If your son were able to tell you, this might be a workable situation. He's not(which really needs to be addressed as it puts him at risk to pediphiles). In my opinion, this child needs to be moved.

[radkat]

Too bad they don't make alarms for clothes.

First off I would start by putting a baby monitor in the child's bedroom. Up high where she won't be tempted to tamper with it. Let her know what it is and what it is for. She needs to understand that she has to be monitored until she can learn not to expose herself.

Next enlist the help of your children. Call them the Privacy Patrol. Read 'Telling Is Not Tattling' by Kathryn Hammerseng and 'The Trouble with Secrets' by Karen Johnson to them. Then brainstorm about ideas your children can use to help their foster sister through this difficult time.

If you have a family friend who is a police officer get them to explain to all the children about privacy and when it's ok to tell someone to "leave me alone". (It just works better coming from someone official)


The most important thing is to be as nonjudgemental as possible.

You'll have to be extra vigilant. I know that is hard to do. If she has to play in the same room you're in so she can watched, then you may have to do that.

Good Luck,
Kat

[aftercas]

Maybe you could have a discussion with the little girl and ask her why she does this. She was probably abused in her previous foster home or birth home and this is the result of this. Moving her into a new home will only turn her into yet another statistic who moves from foster home to foster home to foster home to jail, drugs, and potentially homelessness and prostitution.

I agree that it is difficult to deal with for sure. But try to discuss it with her, find out why she feels she has to do it. Maybe she has a very "logical" reason according to her five year old little brain and life.

Take some time to award her for not showing herself and yes yes yes I really like the overalls solution. Also talking to your son about it and your daughter, rewarding them for calmly coming and talking to you about it.

Give this child more effort and time than some have suggested. Comming from a former foster child myself who was moved through thirteen foster homes, I know how damaging it can be. Just listen to my life in care which is a thirteen minute CBC documentary which takes you on a virtual subway ride through my life in care by clicking here http://www.afterfostercare.com/subway.m3u

[riley6]

Did you ever ask a 5 yr old why they did something? I'll tell you what mine say "Idonno".

Short of duct taping the overalls onto her, I don't see what good they're going to do. My 5 yr old can get out of hers in no time flat.

I understand the trauma it causes moving children from home to home, but it's causing another child trauma by having her in this home. The ONLY way to make sure the son is safe is to keep the other child with an adult, a FEMALE adult, 24/7.

[aspenhall]

Can you enforce something on your son for looking? of how about the threat of diapers for the 5 yr old... My ad who is 4 knew that this made us uncomfortable and as a means of controlling a reaction from us, she would do that...I said yep, thats your vagina. and kept doing something else. When it wasn't fun anymore she quit....BUT one day she squatted and peed on our floor because we made her mad...The threat of baby behavior getting her in diapers again was so offensive to her that it works well as a threat that is eay to follow thru with. Also someone suggested once overalls that are hard to get undone (may need to modify a little) as a means to stopping most behavior in the private area.

[aspenhall]

sorry, not for looking, but for not telling...and I agree...the answer is always I'm thinking or I dunno. I agree that your son needs protection. He needs to be told that by looking, he is hurting her and enlist his help in helping her. I hope it gets better. No emotion is the best way...be matter of fact about things and the thrill might go away.

[roomformore]

I really want to keep my son safe and hate having him exposed to this. I have talked to him about not only saying "no" but also coming and telling me but he just wont. He tells her "no" but his curiosity or whatever gets the best of him. I mean what am I going to do this summer when the neighbor kids come over to play in our pool or trampoline? I KNOW I cannot trust her around them. I mean if she is willing to approach my 9 year old daughter about this?! I have also found out from her sister that this WAS occuring at their original home. This is their first placement ever and the older girl is great. I had also thought of the overall idea and mayber putting them on backwards as well so I have to undo them? And I have been keeping her with me at all times but it is really hard to do. I have talked until I am blue and try to be understanding. Because my son is a year older how is she grooming him? I am new to all this. She did put her fingers in her bottom is front of him which really weirded me out. I dont want to give up on her but am just so uncomfortable with this. I also feel like she is just waiting for her next opportunity to do it again because she is so sneaky. She is very smart and manipulative. Could she really pose a threat to my son?

[lucyjoy]

She is already a threat to your son. She is seeing if she can get him not to tell-she has. She's showing his what she can do-how long do you think it will be before she wants him to try or she wants to touch him?
Unfortunately, someone has hurt this child. She learned this behavior. If your son would tell, I would say work with her and teach her the right way to show affection and how she deserves to have her private areas respected etc. But because your son, for whatever reason, is unable to tell, she will either need to literally be with you 24/7 or she needs to be placed elsewhere. It's not her fault and she needs to be loved, nurtured, and taught to respect her body-but not at another child's expense. It's heartbreaking that she's so young and already been hurt so much.

[scarlet52698]

Nevermind, stuck my nose where it didn't belong. Please excuse that last post for those who read it already.

[riley6]

To answer your last question~~ ABSOLUTELY!

Grooming is preping the other child for more and more unacceptable behavior. She'll start out slowly, once he's desensitized to that, the line of acceptable will be pushed a little further and a little further. Will she abuse him?

Your son is at risk right now.

[riley6]

Heather, I understand where you're coming from. If I hadn't btdt with the 20+ children that I've fostered, I'd agree with you. But I've gotten a lot of hard lessons from these kids and I can tell you stories that would make the hairs stand up on end. It's not that this little girl is DELIBERATELY setting out to be a perp, it's that she's learned behaviors and repeats behaviors that put others at risk. NO,it's not her fault. I'm not blaming her, but no good will come out of having another victim here. That's what the poster's son is going to be (he already is actually).