[mom2GRLC]

We have had so many wonderful and terrible days these last (almost) 3 years as we have fostered.

We've had 36 kids come in and out of our home. 2 adoptions last year and another adoption this year.

We've had false allegations...against us...and a terrible month long investigation...where our foster/adopt daughter was removed from our home. Thank goodness it was dismissed and we were able to get her back.

We are finding our 5 year old adopted son has difficulty in school and at home when we get a new child in and when a child has to leave. We thought the issue of his behavior had a lot to do with when we got boys around his age...or any age for that matter unless they were babies(he loves babies). So we decided to only take girls. We just got a new girl last week and our son hasn't had one good day at school since then and hasn't been himself at home either. He isn't listening and getting into a lot of trouble and overly emotional. He even tell us he wants her to go away.

I love taking in babies and toddlers and young kids. It just kills me that he is affected so much by it. Our little girl (3) also has a hard time with it. Everything is hers 'that's my mommy" "my room" "my socks" etc.

Like I said we just adopted them recently and our 3 year old girl we will be adopting hopefully by March. I'm wondering if having kids come and go...is really helping them feel secure or not...or does it keep it fresh in their minds that if other kids go...maybe they will have to go too. The last girl that left was 6 years old and my son completely fell apart....we only had her a month...but her really wanted her to stay.

My problem is that i get so attatched so quickly especially to the babies. We only wanted to adopt 3 kids. Now we have this little 3 month old boy that we've had since he was 9 weeks old. His case looks very interesting and it is possible he may come up for adoption at one point. My husband and i both were starting to consider the possibility of keeping him...even picking out a name we would have for him if we did adopt. i know it will be very hard to let him go.

Part of me feels like my family is complete and to take this time as our time to enjoy just our kids and every detail of their life. While the other part of me still feels this yearning to take these kids in and give them a loving home. I think even though it is hard for my kids...maybe it will help them have compassion for others...and help them understand where they came from and how they came to us, and how we became a family. How each of these children are so very special and it isn't their fault they were put in these situations. At the same time it may start to bother them that other kids got to go home to birth families while they were unable to.

How do your children deal with the coming and going of foster kids....do you think it is healthy for them?

My husband and i have been really confused and frustrated with this issue. We would like to stop...but at the same time we can't really picture ourselves not fostering. Not getting those calls in the middle of the night...for a child in need. Not being able to see the happy face on a parent who's changed their life and done everything to get their child back and finally being able to make that transition.

My other fear is how do we say no....if one of these precious children comes up for adoption? We can't adopt every child that comes up for adoption that is in our home. But what about this little baby boy...what if we have him 1-2 years and he does come up for adoption...how can we possibly say no...how can we let go and have him go to another adoptive home. It's one thing when they go home to a parent...but to leave the safety and security of the only real parent figure in their life to a stranger....I'mnot sure that i could do that....knowing there is no reason we can't keep him, and keep that boond with him.

URRG!!! This is so frustrating. We are in the military...and I'm not sure how long we will be stationed here....we've pretty much figured we would continue to foster as long as we live here....then start our new life...in our new area...withpout fostering...or at least take a break....but I just don't know.

How do you decide? Have you had to make the choice to stop fostering...how did you do it?

[kforkids]

It sounds like your kids need you to take a break from taking more "new" kids. Your newly (and soon to be) adopted children probably need to feel that they really belong and will not be leaving you the way they see these others kids go.
That doesn't mean that break needs to be permanent or that you would need to have your young fs moved.
When we adopted, our county suggested we take a 6 month break to help our daughter bond with our entire family. It was great advice!
I hope this helps, I know there are no easy answers!

[radkat]

I too find myself in the same situation. I have three foster children that I've had for 15 months. Their case is already in the adoptions dept. I love fostering. But I also know that I need to concentrate on these children and their future. I also have an older adopted child and it's always so hard for her to see kids come and go. She was very possessive of me also. "That's my mommy." "This is my house...my room...etc" She finally is starting to understand that these current children aren't going anywhere.

I worry about false allegations. (I've had one also..many years ago.)

I know in my heart that I am done. These children deserve all my time. They need a chance to be number one.

I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family.

Good Luck,
Kat

[mom2GRLC]

Thanks for your reply's!!!

I too feel in my heart that not only my children need all my time and efforts...but they have already grown so quickly and i don't want to miss out on that...because i am too busy to devote my all to them. My little girl that we've had since 5 days old...is now almost 10months. I can't believe that in 2 more months she will already be a year old. Life has just been so busy...and shehas grown so quickly. She will probably be my youngest....unless we do decide to adopt again....or unless by some miracle i get pregnant.......and i just can't believe she is almost out of the baby stage and into becoming a toddler.

I know that the extra income from fostering has enabeled me to be a stay at home mom...and it is also a scary leap to loose that income. yes, it was all used on the kids and on the fun things we get to do with them....but to not get a monthly paycheck...and have to change our life style to accomodate...that does worry me also.

I really don't know how long we will have the 4 year old girl we just got in care...and she is very sweet but also very demanding. I feel like if we decided to stop...we would not only have to have her moved out of the house...that we should also have the baby removed from the house. My also thought is to just keep these two...until they come home and then not accept anymore.....but that in itself...means that we will continue to have 5 kids for the next several months to a couple years depending on how long they stay.

It's just so frustrating. I want to just stop. I want to just have my family and enjoy every minute with them.

But at the same time while I'm saying this...i still want to keep the baby boy. And even if he goes home....if we hear of another young baby coming into care i know i will want to say yes to them as well.

I hate being these mixed feelings....one minute I feel so strongly one way. The next I really want to keep accepting 1 baby......that way I only have 4...life is more quiet...and i can still enjoy my family....and continue to do what I love. All my kids love babies...and my son doesn't seem to have these problems....(until the baby has to leave), then he might be sad for a while.

Anyone have any other advice how they came to their decision...and stuck with it?

[Malificient]

jessica, Just read your post and i can her the perplexed tone in your email. I haven' fostered any kids yet, we are just about licensed. We will start fostering with hoes of being able to adopt 1 child one day. But, after reading your dilemn, i just feel so compelled to reply. I am a mother, and have 3 great kids, they are in different stages of their lives, 1 in High school , 1 in middle school and the little guy in elementary. I've been thru dating, to fingerpainting and back. i do have some experience and feel that if your having to ask yourself "Is it time to quit, than it probably is....." Your email mentioned the kids you've had in and out of your lives and homes for the past 3 yrs. the fc you've adopted , and the one your in the process of finalizing. Your heart is torn, I also gathered that you really are fascinated with babies whn their real small and you get to cuddle them and really love on them, right? have you considered this option yet...... Stop fostering any more new kids, focus solely on the kids your already committed to, the ones in your home that ya'l have adopted, allow the cw's to find homes for the 2 most recent ones, and spend all your time and energy on those kids. If your still findin g it difficult to not be around babies, maybe you could do some occasional respite care for babies in fostercare. but the majority of your time is on the family you already have. Your children, IMO, are tooo small to have to have all these kids coming and going, they are getting their hearts attached to these fc, and then their hearts are breaking too, just like yours is when they leave. it's not fair to their hearts or yours. please think about it, i'm not trying to sound harsh, thats just my take on your situation. please think about it. ps. jessica, you said your a military family, we are too..... where are ya'll stationed. we are at Ft. hood, Tx. would love to hear back from you, (malificient, aka. karen)

[mom2GRLC]

Thanks!!

Yes you've hiton one side of my dilema very well and i am greatful for your opinion.

We are stationed at the Little Rock AFB in Arkansas. So it sounds like we really aren't that far apart. We spent some time at Sheppard Air Force base before coming here.

After writing my last e-mail...I've been thinking even more about it. I kinda was coming to the conclusion that we may ask for the girl to be moved and just take in 1 baby under 1 at a time. But even with just that idea...(we all) will become attatched to that child as well. We came into fostering with the same idea you did. With the hope that we could adopt either a sibling group of up to 3 kids....that were under the age of 5 or at leastone child. Well we've got exactly what we wanted 2 girls and 1 boy. All from different homes...but our family does feel complete... anything over 3...we would seriously have to re-think and really pray about to see if we are meant to have more. Here lies my dilema. If we do take in babies under 1..(my mind is always on the...what if...what if..they will be ours) so we get more attatched to them and then when the time does come where they may be available for adoption...we have put ourselves in another difficult position.....deciding wether to adopt or not.

My mind tells me....it's time to stop....time to enjoy the blessings we do have, enjoy life, enjoy my kids. But my heart is still nagging at me...saying..."these kids need you...they need a loving home....this is your calling in life (kinda feeling).

I feel like i won't be able to stop until we move to another station. Where i don't know all the DHS employees...where everyone I know won't constantly be asking me when we are getting more kids...or if we are adopting anymore. Ifeellike the decision to stop fostering is goingto be a life changing one, and if i remain here....iwon't be able to stick to my decision. The first time someone calls me up with a baby or young child...my heart will bleed for them and i will say yes.....then....iwillbe back in the same boat...asking myself....why am I still doing this....why am I making my life so much more stressful and hectic...why? because of all the joy and love you feel when you care for these children....when they look up at you...and know that even though there life is turned upside down...somone still loves them and cares about them....and will be there for them evey second of every day. Urgg... now I'm talking myelf back into the idea of continuing fostering. It's this vicious cycle we have been on for the last couple months.

Thanks again for all your advice and comments...it helps me put things in perspective. Or at least....helps me realize my main objective my family...has to come first.

[Malificient]

jessica, howdy! Sorry so long, O.k. gotta clear something up, i don't think your understanding what im suggesting, or maybe you do, and just don't want to consider it... which is ok as well. but, for clarification purposes, let me just say that i was recommending you call your cps office, tell them that your no longer available to foster any more kids, at this time...... consider having the cw find another home for the 2 that ya'll haven't adopted, and ask the cps office and your cw to put you on an inactive status, that being said, you won't or should not receive any more calls about accepting any babies or kids. i sense that your "addicted' to helping as much as you can. it is an admirable thing, but definitely not at the expense of your kids your family and yourself. your previous email stated how hard its getting for your kids, when the foster children are reunited with bp or relatives, do you really want to subject them and yourself to more of that? no, of course not! Since there are NO certainties in life, why roll the dice and take those risks. your email also said that you do feel like your family is complete, having said that, it makes it sound like you don't feel the need to adopt more kids, the more kids you add to your already existing family, the less there is of you and dad and $ to go around. Its kinda like your predicament is similar to that of an alcoholic's. meaning ........ your compelled and want to foster and love and help, and rescue defenseless kids in need, an alcoholic wants to hang out in bars and drink, if he continues to hang out in bars around alcohol, he'll always drink. If you continue to remain as an active foster parent, you'll continue to get those calls, do you feel somewhat pressured to keep saying YES??? It's ok to say NO, all Im saying is pray on it and really, really think about if your able to continue fostering without it being an emotional upset for you and your family, if it is causing that much concern, you really should re-think what it's all about. hope i've been helpful. I'm definitely not trying to come off opinionated, or that i have all the answers, 'cause i don't , just trying to shed some light on the situation. I will follow your story, feel free to pm anytime, jessica. Malificient....

[leaabc123]

From what I have seen in your messages, it seems clear that you already know that you and your family need a break. However, I am no fan of disruptions for these kids (and I know you are not either).
There will always be kids who need a home but at some point, you have to make the kids already in your life a priority! and it sounds like they need some space to grow and be a family without all of the chaos that new kids coming and going brings.
Your needs are as important as the needs of any child you get called about. And, it is ok to say no or to even take a break.
My point is, don't be blinded by the needs of those outside when you and your family have needs that are waiting to be fulfilled.
Sadly, there will always be a need for more homes and we, as individuals can only do so much. As, your kids get older, you can come back to fostering (if that is what you are called to).
The hardest thing to do is say no but sometimes, wehave to say it.

[leenab]

There's a great Children's book out there called "Foster Baby". We checke dit out of the library this week. My boys picked it out. Yes I know strange choice along with the where do babies come from books. Anyway it helped them to better understand what fostering is. Plus they both know and talk about how they had other mommies before who took care of them before they got adopted by us. So they're very settled with the idea of having foster children.

We haven't had a child since Mid-November and they're driving me crazy. This time they're hoping for a girl and want to adopt her too. But Om and Raj are a very rare children, settled in and super well-behaved. I still have to pinch myself. Anyway after the boys were placed with us we didn't take any foster children for the first 8-9 months that they were with us. We wanted them to settle in and know that Mommy & Daddy were taking care of them and giving them our full attention. The first foster child we had was a little girl T (2yrs old), who stayed for 2 months before returning to her parents. Both boys wanted to keep her forever, but glad that she went back to her Mommy and Daddy. Then we had a little boy T who was 18 months and stayed for 1 month. He had too many special needs that we weren't told about as well as asthma attacks from our cats. So he had to be moved to a specialized home. I've found it's best to be picky about placements and look to your children to see what they can handle. I know the boys would never be able to handle a boy their age, 3 or 4. So we always take children younger than them. Raj loves to be a big help with younger children and Om likes to play with them. And that's why they're driving me crazy for a foster child.

It seems like your children are really saying "No" to fostering. Just from the acting out at school and the possessiveness of things. If it's hurting them then you either need to help them work through it, or quit fostering.

-LeenaB

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

I hope my opinion doesn't hurt your feelings. I really don't mean it to. I agree with the others that said it sounds like it's time to go on inactive status, at least for a while.

It sounds to me like you already know that in your head but your heart is telling you otherwise. Here's my take on it. If your kids are being upset by foster kids coming and going your family unit is upset. The biggest thing stressed in our MAPP classes were to take care of your family too.

When we began doing foster care I promised myself that when I began to question why I was doing this I'd stop. You have had A LOT of kids in a relatively short period of time. I would highly recommend you taking a break for a while and see how it goes with your children. You never know, they may ask you to foster again.

Best of luck. I am sure this is a heart breaking decision you are facing.

Michelle

[tlc4kidz]

jessica,
(((hugs))). We voluntarily surrendered our license after our adoption was final in December. It was so hard for me because I truly do feel called to foster, or at least advocate for these kids. We have a 12 yo, 9 yo, 22 month and 8 month olds. Everyone always comments on how hard it must be to have the babies so close in age, but the reality of it is (for me) that just because they get older doesn't mean they need you less.

Our older kids are bummed that we aren't going to foster anymore, but once we made the final decision I feel alot of relief. I have decided to look into being a CASA volunteer. I also am hopeful that someday we can again foster infants....but who knows, by then I'll be busy with a couple more teens and probably grandkids . We are also able to provide respite without being fully licensed which will give me a taste of it every now and then when I'm really missing it.

I hope that you can come to terms with your feeling and make the decision that's right for YOUR family. We're all so unique and our limits are so different....I am in awe at some of the women on this forum and what they can handle, but I also know that's not me. I believe if God has prepared your heart for more kids they will arrive sooner or later....whether you are fostering or not.

[mom2GRLC]

Thank you all for your advice!!!

Well, We've made a decision...or at least took the first step.

I called today and gave our 10 day notice for the 4 year old we have. I can't quite cold turkey so we are going to take it slowly. We are keeping the 3 month old boy untill he goes home. I also asked them not to call us for placements anymore. I told them that as soon as he leaves we will make the decision to either not take anymore...or to only take 1 baby at a time. I'm not sure about only taking respite care cases....We will have to wait until our fs leaves.

I felt bad...having our 4 year old leave...but there were several reasons behind it. i thought I would feel like I was abandoning her...or giving up on her...but i don't feel that way. I went to her court yesterday and testified for her....I met all her family and took pictures of each one. I'm writing all her info down and all the comments she has said to me...regarding her abuse and passing them along to her social worker and new foster parent when that time comes. I do feel like we helped make a difference in her life even though she was only with us 2 weeks.

I feel so at peace with our decision...and the thought of only fostering one..and that he may be our last one(don't know yet). I feel like a weight has been removed from my mind...and soon my life. I will be more free to spend more quality time with my kids and husband.

I do feel like it was the right choice for us right now and for our family...even though it was a hard decision. I really appreciate your words of advice...it helped me to look at all my options...and know that IT"S OK TO TAKE TIME FOR JUST MYSELF AND MY FAMILY....it's ok for us to begin our life...as a whole and not constanly be sharing it with others that come and go. Hopefully it will help my children really feel like they are part of a FOREVER family...that they aren't leaving.

Thanks, again so much for your help!!! I knew what I needed to do for myelf and my family...I guess i just needed others to say it's ok.

I've been kinda pressuerd from the placement people....
I'm very greatful for everything they have done for us in helping our family come together...but I don't owe them my life. They've mentioned several times jokingly that they don't want us to give up fostering just because we've adopted....that we owe them another couple years to show them our gratitude. I guess a part of me kept that in my mind and made me feel obligated to continue. (don't getme wrong i love fostering) But this break....is very very over due. I really wish they would have done the opposite and could have recommended us to take a short break to help adjust and enjoy our new family...rather than keeping us so buzy. I think it would have been nicer to have that special time with just our family.

[leastofthese]

Jessica,

I think you made the perfect decision. That's exactly what I would've done. In fact, I was going to suggest it, but when I got to the end of the thread, you'd already written to say that's what you'd done.

I totally understand why you are questioning your decision about the 4 year old, but I still think you did the right thing for your family. I bet you will see a difference in your little boy's schooling pretty soon after she goes.

Also, I'm willing to bet that the baby being there won't affect his schooling at all. For my children, it's always been the children close in age that cause the jealousy and insecurity. The babies are always welcomed by everyone.

I may have had different advice for you if the 5 year old was your birth child and didn't have the baggage that comes from being bounced around a bit. In fact, my 6 year old birth son has had a really hard time getting along with the 5 year old we've had (fostering) for over a year now. We have chosen to adopt him (already TPR'd, in the process of adopting now) even though they have some trouble getting along. If my 6 year old had been through the foster care system, I would probably make a very different decision. He has security on his side, where your 5 year old may not quite yet. I believe that my son's issue has more to do with being young and "posessive" than with true insecurity.

All that aside, I just wanted to let you know I think you made a wise decision. You may second guess yourself occasionally, but we all do that no matter what. You'd have second-guessed yourself if you'd kept her, too....

[HappyMomAnna]

I find it interesting this problem comes up because DHS in our state has made the choice for families in this situation so you do not have too...

In Oregon a family that has a child change to Pre-Adopt status cannot have any other child place for at least a year.... This means that families are able to spend time with the 'unit' before it grows again... Families who have children they are fostering and then a child becomes adoptable by that foster family have the same rule once status changes.... and depending on the children in the home and their caseplan some are moved out....

It makes the choice about the rules of the state and lets the families be mad and angry about no more placements....and not feeling like they are doing anything wrong to want to work on the things in the family they are building....

Good luck--you can always change your mind again later--but you cannot get these years back with your children.... Enjoy them.

[Kay-Ray1]

I agree if it's effecting your kids you should take a break. I would still go though with the adoption of the baby if possible.

You can still help the kids in other ways. Try respite or even taking a child with no ride to the doctor. Any help is good help.