[Elissa1111]

Hello all tonight! Quick question for you all. I had my 11 month olds new SW come out last week and this is a new one, never met her before.

She came in and picked S up and kissed him on the face. Now I now all babies are cute and he is but she just met him. I know I am overreacting but it has been bothering me all week. Do I say something or just let it go?

What if she was sick? What if he was? Would she be ok if my husband kissed her? Maybe he(S) didn't want her to kiss him! OK I should stop. I don't think it would have bugged me if it was the second time seeing him but the FIRST and it wasn't just one kiss it was a couple during the visit. Someone tell me this is normal and I'm being nuts. Just be nice about it

Thanks
Elissa
Foster/adopt 11 month old
Foster 7 month old

[Howdy]

I've never had a baby but I remember my best friend going nuts about total strangers at the mall kissing her first baby. I don't remember her complaining about it for the 2nd or 3rd kid, so the kissing issue might be like the old joke "With the first baby if the pacifier drops on the ground the mother sterilizes it before using it again; with the second baby she washes with tap water; with the third+ babies she just spits on it and rubs it on her shirt before handing it back to the baby".
I guess with 2nd, 3rd, and so forth babies the older siblings would probably be kissing the baby and getting it all germy.

[clynn]

It may be upsetting but a lot of people just can't resist hugging and kissing a sweet little baby.I would not do it but to some people it is just normal to them and she may just be a very affectionate person.I can't help but think of my daughters experience when my grandaughter was about a month old.We were in the drug store and a very unclean young lady came up and started touching the baby talking about how cute she was and pulled her socks off because she loved to see babies feet.It freaked my daughter out when she proceeded to kiss her little foot.She handled it pretty well and didn't panic but I will never forget the look on my daughters face.I had met this girl before and explained to my daughter about her mental state (borderline retarded)so she understood and let it go.

[Just Julie]

Maybe this is the flip side of Jesus touching the lepers. Just a thought.

[yanknrebel]

When one of my fd's home county case managers would come out, my fd would scream and cry. I don't blame her. This man was about 6'5, 350 pounds, bald headed , biracial male with a very deep voice. As soon as he stepped in the door, he would **** come here. Give Uncle Mack a kiss. The whole time he was here, he would try and bribe her to sit in his lap or give him a hug. SHe wouldn't go within 10 feet of him, and would hide behind me. It used to give me the willies, but what could I do. This man also had a bad habit of coming into my house, sitting in our rocker recliner, and nodding off to sleep. LOL This is no exaggeration. I finally told him that if he didn't stop, we were going to start charging him rent. My husband is about as tall as this man was, not quite as big, but about 280 pounds, and bald head. My husband has a gentle voice. This man was just so overpowering. He also claimed to be a preacher, so that could be part of his demeanor. He lost his job recently at DCS and I can't say I am sorry to see him go.

[Love_um_all]

I am sorry, I don't think it is horrible for someone to kiss a baby, even on the first visit. I usta be afraid of babies, thinking that a parent would not want me to touch their baby, but, as I have had many babies come and go, I feel very comfortable around them and will touch a strangers baby... I think something happens when you fall in love with a baby's face, then, time goes on, and you see one that looks simular, you maybe just kissing the baby bc it feels natural, bc you already love that face, already feel comfortable. I see a baby at walmart, and if it looks like one of the babies I have had, I cant take my eyes off of him/her, I just remember when..., if it was someone I know better, I would pick the baby up and snuggle it, no matter how well I knew the baby.... as a matter of fact...my best friend's sister just had a baby, and I saw some pictures of her, and I was already in love with the little sweetie, she reminded me of my niece, bald, and pink with little quinty eyes.... Maybe your child looks like one of her grandkids or neice/nephew... or just someone she cares about.... my two cents....

[mom2GRLC]

I would not be too worried about it.

Some social workers don't seem to really care for the kids they are over...others seem very interested and involved in their kids lives. It sounds like you got a good social worker. One who loves her kids and freely shows affection. If the kisses didn't bother your fs than it shouldn't bother you. If he seemed uncomfortable scared or cried than maybe it would be something to talk to her about in the future.

I fall in love with most of the foster kids i get especially the little ones and I don't hesitate to show them love with hugs and kisses right from the start. Kids need love and affection....they thrive off it.

Hopefully your fc will look at this sw as a loving kind person ...which is a good thing..because a lot of kids are scared by strangers.....a child needs to feel comfortable with their sw and know that many people love them and care for them.

Most people know when they are sick and will not put a child in harms way by touching them or kissing them when they are sick....If it were some stranger off the street....then that is one thing...but this is you fc's assigned caseworker...someone who should be in the picture for a while ...not just some stranger he will never see again.

[HappyMomAnna]

I think that this can be a complex issue and that talking with the caseworker might help everyone. I have a few points I believe are important.

First of all depending on a Foster Childs situation this child may or may not be moved around to a new home....... In the event of a move it is nice to have a caseworker who can give a kiss to a child under stress---BUT equally as important one of the greatest problems some children in foster care develop is attachment issues and kisses from strangers hurt the attachment with the primary caregiver.

Beyond the Babies ARE cute argument is the fact that MANY (NOT ALL) caseworkers believe that children in Foster Care are THEIR children....and in fact foster children do belong to the state...I have met some cw's who call Foster Children "OUR Children" and much of the literature has an underlying tone that the state is the parent of the children in their care---With some cw's this is PERSONAL and when a kiss is offered to the baby--it is one of the cw's babies she is kissing.... It may seem odd but the psychology of it should be clear---the dedicated cw's are really working hard for their kids and can take this personally.

I would talk with the cw. I am not sure of your fosterchild's history or if you are attempting to foster/adopt but any child who might be moved to a different home has a complex number of issues to be considered. The cw's usually understand how needy the children are---but don't always realize the implications their love might have on the child's life....

[HappyMomAnna]

Originally Posted by jessicagarner

Hopefully your fc will look at this sw as a loving kind person ...which is a good thing..because a lot of kids are scared by strangers.....a child needs to feel comfortable with their sw and know that many people love them and care for them.

Actually I do hate to disagree with you about this but I do.
The child with an attachment issue is not affraid of strangers because this child has had so many strangers hug and kiss on them.... Our daughter did not know the difference between my hugs and those of her kindergarten teachers because we were both JUST nice woman who took care of her for part of the day......

We do very much want our children to feel safe with the cw's and foster families but we also want them to learn that certain things are between parent and child...Two years after placement and our little girl still has issues with OTHERS--all mom's are moms to her...

Our children more then any other children do NEED to fear strangers the problem is in the words of our little girl. "Mommy when you came to get me you were a stranger...."

[mom2GRLC]

I do agree that children with attatchment issues do need special consideration. Our son had attatchment issues when we first got him...sometimes i wonder if he still does...as far as trusting us to be his forever family....we've had him over a year now and adopted him last May....he is now 5.

[Elissa1111]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I do understand that people find it very hard not to kiss a baby. Yes she will be a part of our lives for a while,once a month for the first 6 then just phone calls. I am grateful to have someone that cares about their job and my son. I just found it strange, and I would never do that to people I just met. Yes my nephews and my friends baby but not a stranger. I guess also I want him to be a little afraid of strangers. I don't want him to think that you can just kiss anyone or that anyone can kiss him. Maybe at 11 months I shouldn't worry about it but then at what age do I. I figure start them young and then it won't be so hard to say "oh no honey we don't do that NOW". I also am not used to a SW doing this, I am with a FFA and we have had the same SW for over a year and she doesn't kiss him. I think I will be better next time she visits.
Again thank you.

Elissa
foster/adopt 11 month old
foster 7 month old

[HappyMomAnna]

Jessica--Makala was placed a few weeks before she turned 5 and we didn't notice any reall attachment issues until about 14 months after placement. We had been feeling so confident in everything and thought the 'honeymoon' had ended quickly and that everything was fine and dandy! With the baby we had him placed right at one year and 9-months after the kids were placed I had to have back surgery--it was during my recovery that attachment issues showed up.

We took our children to Disneyland 6 months after placement and again a year later and we could see the REAL difference the year had made with our daughter. It is very hard to define attachment and put your finger on what is or is not an issue to be worried about. We were told by DHS that our daughter was 'ready to attach' and we had seen several children psychologists but things never impoved they only got worse.... So eventually we found an attachment therapist and started therapy last June....six months later we are now ready to start dealing with the OTHER issues...The attachement needed to firm before she would be able to deal with the other issues... We are so thankful we went through the AT and that we can now address the behaviors and other things that are causing her so much trouble.

With the baby it was much easier to overcome the attachment and it only took a bit of special attention to the little details.

It was and continues to be bery hard to get other people to understand that we need them to leave thier hands off these kids for awhile. I had one problem after another with the Kindergarten teacher who thought I made a big deal about the classroom hugs... I had to eventually let the teacher know that ONE hug from her was one LESS hug from her new mother.....That the teachers hugs were stolen hugs of mine.... It took a lot of work to get others to give it even a second thought. But our daughter had only known us for a few months when Kindergarten started and we had five years of hugs to catch up on....

Our daughters therapists even lectured me because I see a chriopractor and one day he offered to check Makala's spine...while he did he made comment that he had never seen a liittle girl with such a tense body and he recomended that I bring her in when I came in so he could help her relax--When I told the therapists she went nuts because I should NOT allow this doctor to do this--I should learn to do it myself and help our bond.... I hadn't thought about it but the therapists said that it was too intamate of a touching expereince to allow a stranger the prevelidge!

Elissa--I think there does have to be some common sense when we talk about these issues. When my bio children were little I didn't like anyone to touch them especially when they didn't ask me first. But I was sort of an over protective mom. But in general I think that around the age of four or five is a better time to start the stranger danger info. In our town there is a program called SAFETY TOWN and it is set up for four-five year olds and covers all the safety issues I highly recomend this program I understand it is a national one. I guess if your town does not offer it I would see if they might because my older children went throug it too and I cannot believe how valuable it was for them.

[Nixie]

Very True! I am a SW and I refer to the children I case manage as "my children". I do not do the day to day work for these children as I do my own, but I work just as much on their cases as I do seeing my children from 6-8pm everynight. I work on their cases to keep them safe, as I would my own. A kiss on the cheek is nothing. Let it go! The more a caseworker cares for a child, the better she may work on their case!

[sdkor]

You aren't crazy! It is sort of weird for a professional to be kissing their clients, but what the heck. Some people can not resist that urge to kiss the sweet little faces of all children. I think that if it doesn't seem appropriate, you should say something to her. Would you say anything if the child were your birth child? Maybe you can help her learn how her behavior is viewed by those she works with.
Good luck.

[karenw]

I am a pediatrician with 2 adopted kids with some attachment issues. ( They each joined our family at 5-6 years old). I agree with the comments about refraining from overexposing the kids to indiscriminant hugs etc, but I hug most of my infant patients. the older ones I only hug if they initiate the contact. Granted, most are birth children. I get to know the families over time, but I don't think that newborns or young infants have the same issues as older kids with affection. I have felt that it is a professional relationship, but that affection and hugging shows a caring rather than detached way of interacting. I definitely think the stranger hugs in the grocery store are weird and can spread illnesses. Hope I haven't offended any parents, but most seem to enjoy how cute i think their child is!!! I guess I see the social worker as a caring adult in the child's life, but would be more concerned with older kids than infants being confused by the affection.
Karen