[gingerlane]

Our two foster kids may be getting a visit from their birth mother for the first time since they have been in our care.I am worried about how the kids may feel when it is time for her to leave. Because the visit is across the country, there is no telling when they will be able to see her again. We want the kids to enjoy it as much as possible while they can. Any suggestions on how to plan for this meeting? Any ideas on how to handle departure time?

[villagemom]

Not sure how old your fc are. Mine have been 5+. I always sit down with them a few hours before the first visit and explain that they are going to see Mom/Dad, but that they will need to come back to "this" house.

I let them know they might be sad, they might want to cry, and that's ok. But that right now, they have to come back here until Mom/Dad is able to work things out with the judge/agency.

Departure time is iffy, depending on the circumstance. We've had ones where Mom brings the kids back and ones where SW brings the kids back (definitely easier!) Some of my FC have come right back to me, gave me a hug and said bye to Mom. I've had ones where I've been crying and gave birth Mom a hug and told her we were thinking of her---this actually brought the kids into the fold because they saw the two Moms caring for each other. If you think there will be problems ask your SW to bring the children out and detain Mom until you can get out of the building.

The hardest part is the car ride home which can be filled with anything from eerie silence to heart-wracking sobs.

Our visits usually get us home pretty late, so I try to keep things pretty low key and have snack/dinner that's a favorite (pizza or McDonald's usually works) and than we get ready for bed. I have a book about feelings that I'll read if the kids seem interested and let them point out what they are feeling. I also just sit quietly with them for a few minutes and give extra hugs and kisses.

For subsequent visits, I remind them that again they will come back to "this" house.

I generally don't tell them when the next visit will be because often times there isn't one for a while and the kids don't really grasp the concept of time.

[gingerlane]

Thank you so much. The oldest foster child is 14 going on 30. The second foster child is 9. Our biggest concern is their mother making false promises to them.