[Mammie]

My husband and I made a VERY tough, sad decision. We have requested to have a foster child (the oldest - 8 years old) removed from our home. We have had him for over a year.

It was a decision that WAS NOT made lightly. Those of you may remember my previous posts, that we were really having trouble with the oldest boy. (We have brothers - now 8, 4 and 2 years. There are three other siblings in different homes).

Although we have made GREAT (yet difficult) strides with him and his younger brothers, the last few months have been very taxing. The eight year old (whom we do love and care for deeply) had turned our home upside down with alligations (which were proven false - but still, the protective services investigation made us feel 'raped') Currently, his actions are now affecting the healing process of the younger boys. Not to mention the strain on our marriage and social life!

We feel we have done all that we could for "J". We have given him mounds of love, quality time, patience, ect. We fought to get him into therapy, to get him on medication (to which neither has really done much). The caseworker and aide have been sypathetic to a point, while the bio families refuse to see any problem with him.

We did not want to 'give up', as we feel the eight year old can be reached. Yet, we made our decision based on the fact that we feel that some othter foster parents with more 'hands on wisdom and experiance' could provide "D" with the help he so desparately needs.

We also did not to loose the ground we have so preciously gained with the other two. And, I have to admit, that after the PS investigation was through, we were lost, as to how to continue with him. This is also our first real attempt at foster parenting (our first sibblings only lasted three days before they went to a family member.) We were worried how it would look on our file - that we 'failed' our first time out....

The therapist and friends and family have seen the hell we have gone through and support us in our decision.

The caseworker was not thrilled and threatened that if we have him removed, the other two would go with him. (She said that the family had to 'stay together' although it already has been split three ways for a year, and they were willing to split it up four ways before we took the boys a year ago). We did not want to loose the younger ones (the move would be devestating to the boys) and so we hung in there for two more months. Then, last week was the final straw with my husband. He called and said, "Do what you have to do. We can not effectively parent him anymore."

As of right now, FIA is looking to relocate "D". The caseworker is NOT HAPPY and has said that if this case does go to termination, the adoption caseworker will not be happy with our choice either. (we are foster to adopt). They are not going to remove the other two, because finding foster parents for sibling groups is hard going. Currently, in our county, all space is taken up. FIA is looking into private agencies to help take "D" in. We have been told it will probably be another month...which is ok, because I would not want him in a strange situation during the holidays.

I guess what I would like to ask is several questions (although I know all cases and situations are different). If this has happened to you...

How did you feel? (We had very heavy hearts making the decision, but now that the ball is rolling, we feel relieved...yet that kinda makes me feel guilty to feel that way!)

How did the remaining sibblings respond? (There really is no bond with ours. The two year old is too young to vocalize, and the four year old is happy/relieved to see his older brother go because of all the pain the older brother has caused.)

Did it work out for the best for the child removed? ("D" says he does not want to go, but also admits he will not comply with our rules and refuses to work as a team to help him get better.)

If you did have one of the sibs removed, and termination did happen, were you able to adopt the other ones without much trouble?

If you did ask to have a child removed, did it hinder your case for future foster children?

We LOVE foster parenting...the good days and the not so good days. We did not expect perfection or even what socity deems 'normal'. We know we are good foster parents and we hung in there for as long as we could.

Thank-you for any input!

[susanlowman]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I have never had to remove a child, but we have "thought about it". We too had a child that knew how to play the system and had us investigated (nothing came of it). He even tried his "tricks" with the daycare workers, so everyone became "wise" to his lying. Long story short, we have since adopted him and EVERYDAY is a strain. We do love him and hope we can help. He only has one sibling (newborn when came to us), so it is NOT the same situation that you are in.

I have no advise but wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Good luck.

[Honeyx2]

The feeling of guilt that goes with foster parenting is horrible. I have had 30 children so far and four times have had children removed. A child has to fit into the dynamics of your home. Meaning if there are daily disruptions, the other children are seeing and learning this same behavior. There are some children you just cannot reach no matter how hard you try.

Some just make it hard on your to see if you care enough to keep them, others just want to make you as miserable as they are, some just don't know or don't care what they do to your family.

I speak to new foster parents all the time and my favorite saying is......Fostering is the hardest job you will ever do, yet the MOST rewarding.

You give a child "normal" for as long as possible. Most respond, some do not. Be mindful of the ones who actually want to be with your family. If you cannot help a child after doing everything humanly possible, try not to beat yourself up to badly. Easier said than done, but possible. Keep in mind, there are children you can reach.

You are making a difference. Believe that.

Oh and the other thing I tell new foster parents is.....
If you have never had allegations made against you, then you are not a foster parent. Sad but true.
Merry Christmas and
May God bless you,
Milissa

[Mammie]

Hi Susanlowman and Honeyx2

Thank you for your encouraging words.

We really do love foster parenting...even the tough days where my husband and I take a deep breath, look into each others eyes and say "Remind me again why we are doing this!"

But this stuff with "D" - it just was creating tremendous amounts of stress that was not healthy for anyone here...including him!

I truly believe that "D" is very confused and hurting deeply. He has been through so much. Even though he is a very intelligent young man, I don't think he understands much.

It's like he can tell you the difference between right and wrong - but it does not register within his own conciousness.

And it just feels strange, that we have managed to reach his brothers - infact we were at one time reaching him...then something just snapped.

I pray that we are doing the right thing, and he is able to go somewhere where he can get the healing he needs.

Thanks again for your kind words and reminders! I do tend to beat myself up

[AdoptaMom]

I know this post is a week old, but I've just revisited the forums and your post called out to me.

{{{{Huggles}}}}

Having a foster child removed is one of the hardest decisions we ever faced. We had a 17 year old foster daughter that joined our family at 15 with a 14 month old child. She eventually made an adoption plan for her child with another family, and she (the 15 year old) remained with us.

Our foster daughter had always walked on the wilder side of life, but then began to bring drugs into our home, skip school, have sexual relations with multiple partners, etc. After months of counseling with her, we came to the heartbreaking conclusion that she would have to move in order to preserve the tranquility for the rest of our children (step, foster, adopted and biological). We placed her in a group home, which she promptly ran away from. In time, she contacted us and assured us she was safe.

We continued contact with her, visiting, calling and writing often. She came "home" for weekend visits, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. We supported her when she aged out of the system and moved home with her biological parents. We supported her when that failed :-( We kept in contact with her, and when she married, my DH walked her down the isle :-)

Now, 5 years later, she is happily married ... we're still Mom and Dad ... she still has a relationship with her biological family ... and she knows that although we did not approve of her behavior, we love(d) her unconditionally, enough to let her learn some very tough lessons for herself and support her emotionally when she stumbled.

I share all of this because I want you to know that *sometimes*, having a child removed is in the child's best interest. Sometimes, children learn more from natural consequences that we foster parents can ever teach them. And sometimes they come back to us because they know, deeply in their hearts, that we loved them enough to make the toughest choice of all.

I wish you peace with your decision, and I pray that you can cling to the knowledge that you did everything you could to help this child succeed.

Peace be with you!

[Mammie]

Hello Adoptamom,

Thank-you so much for sharing that with me!

We handed in the letter of removal last week. I know the caseworker is not happy with us, but our licencing agent seems to agree with us.

It was a very hard decision to make. My husband is more at peace with the choice than I am (at times). I really do feel we have done all we can do. I do not think that the boy is 'hopeless', but I do feel he may respond better with someone with more training.

Again, thank you.

[1of2moms]

Mammie
I think you are doing the right thing. It may not be the level of parenting experience your boy need but also some one-on-one time. The dynamic of siblings is very different from being an only child. And he may just need some time where he is an only child.
I also think that it is wrong for the caseworker to threaten you with the removal of all the boys. Moving all the boys together could just cause the next placement to disrupt also.
Good luck in this and my prayers are with you.

[garry970]

Hi, I'm Garry,

You are doing the right thing. I had a similar situation with 2 boys, ages 7 and 9. In my situation, the youngest one was the problem. The 9yo was an angel. The caseworker as well as the agency would not let me keep the 9yo and remove the 7yo, so I had to give them both up. I am a single dad with one 13yo bio son, and I couldn't handle the 7yo's behavior problems by myself (I am also running my home business here).

I was wondering the same thing about whether the agency would ever call me to take more kids since I gave up the other ones, but I received a call for a 12 yo, but I'm only accepting 5 to 10yo, plus he had some problems with being sexually abused, and I also don't accept this, because my home business is teaching children piano lessons, and I don't want something to happen with one of the students.

And about 3 weeks later the agency had the nerve to call me asking me to accept the original boys that I gave up before (The other foster mom was going out of town and needed someone to keep them for 3 weeks) I turned it down, because I didn't want to deal with the 7yo once again.

So now I'm still waiting for another call, hopefully this will be the right match.

[mommyo]

We just recently had to have our Fd removed to a therapuetic placement as well. IT was a very agaonizing few months as we struggled with this decision. Ultimately though We had to look at what it was doing to our bio children, our home environment, and my sanity. I still think about her daily, and hope that she is getting the help that she needs. I can't help them all, but I can do the best I can while I have them. Hugs to you for all you've done, and good luck with your adoption .