[laughingmama]

Hi all,
We are a family of 5. My husband and I have 2 bio and should be done with the adoption process for our 3rd, whom we'll call "O", by spring. "O" is the most wonderful, albeit challenging, baby ever! He is almost 2 and we have had him since he was 3 months. His bio mom had her rights terminated on 3 previous children before he was born. Two of the children are still in foster care. We have established a relationship with "O"s bio sister, "Y", who is 13 and in residential treatment. She has been in residential treatment facilities for the last 5 years. I don't really understand how after 6 years in the "system" she is not only still in foster care, but not in a foster home. She has some behavior issues, but I suspect most of it is do to the environment she lives in. There it's "normal" to freak out and be put in holds, etc. Her behaviors have improved dramaticaly since she became involved with us.
They are looking at moving her to a theraputic foster home. Her therapist found her a home recently, "Y" began transitioning, only to find out there were many more people living there than the family admitted to and potential abuse to the 7 children that were also living there. Nice huh?
At this point I feel like they should just give her to me. We really like "Y", and she is so great with all of my kids. I think all she really wants is to feel safe and be loved and we could provide that for her in our sleep. She would be thrilled to live with one of her brothers. The mom in me doesn't have to think about this at all, it's a no brainer. I'm a mom, she needs a mom and I can put back a little of this broken bio family. I should also mention that we are a white family and "Y" and "O" are AA.
On so many levels this would be good for our baby.
The logical side of me says, "Whoa there crazy lady. You have no experience with teenagers. What if things don't work out? What if you can't meet everyones needs? What if? What if? What if?" I'm afraid I'm just being naive about what she really needs and our love and support won't be enough or help her. She has no one else that see's or talks to her that isn't paid to. It just breaks my heart that she has to live like this.
I could really use some sagely advice from some other foster parents.
thanks for reading,
nicole

[kforkids]

Wow,
I would have that heart pull, too. It's a tough one. If she is still in the group home, there is probably a reason.
Perhaps you could do some respite for her.
Where would she fall (age-wise) with your other children? Having no experience with and taking a troubled teenager would scare me.

[laughingmama]

She would be the oldest at 13, then there is my daughter 8, and my two sons, 6 and almost 2.
My daughter really wants a sister and has been saying she would like Yasmine to be her older sister. That kid has way too big a heart for her little body!
nicole

[kforkids]

Talk to the caseworker. Find out what all the issues are. Think about the fact that you'll be taking a girl who has seen and experienced a lot, and your children will be exposed to that. She will likely "freak out" and test your boundaries in your home.

I have an 8 year old bio son, and took an 8 year old foster son over 6 months ago. This is what my son begged for- and he has discovered just how difficult it can be to "get just what you want".

I don't want to sound negative, and am afraid my post is coming across that way. Do start with respite, so that neither your family, nor the 13 year old will really be thinking this is a trial placement. Only you will know you may be thinking that way. That will keep expectations more in line.

Best of luck on your decision! Let me know what you learn!

[DianeS]

My advice is to *first* complete the adoption of "O". You do not want the state suddenly deciding the children have a bond and therefore *must* be adopted together. "O" is safe and secure in your home right now, so your priority needs to be making sure he stays there.

After "O" has been adopted, then explore the possibility of taking "Y".

Remember that there had to be a reason for Y being placed in the treatment center to begin with. And that reason is usually that she has behaviors that cannot be handled by normal people in normal homes. She needed specialized care, for some reason or another. Yes, it's possible that she's "cured" of that reason now, but it's also possible that she isn't, and that her improved behaviors around you are simply a way of seeking attention from someone new.

You'll want the caseworker to give you Y's entire file to read. (It won't be one page, or even one notebook. A child of that age, in care for that long, in a residential center, will have quite a large portion of a file CABINET dedicated to her "file". If they give you less than that to read, they haven't given it all to you.)

You'll also want to speak, in person, with everyone who has been involved in her care. The staff at the center, the staff at any previous centers, the parents at the last few foster homes, her school teachers, her counselors, her doctors, etc. And you'll want to know exactly what behaviors she showed in their presence, what her diagnoses are, what her suspected diagnoses are, and why she was moved from each placement into the next.

I know you're probably in a hurry to move this along, but consider the consequences of moving her into your home if she truly has problems you cannot handle:
1 - the state could decide she has bonded to her brother and the two of them must be adopted together, meaning O is removed from your home unless you agree that Y can stay - a disaster if you truly can't handle Y.
2 - she may have behaviors dangerous enough that she endangers your other, younger, children. Meaning the state may remove O from your home because you've shown you can't keep him safe.
3 - she may actually harm one of your other, younger, children. Then their hearts would not likely remain open to you helping other children. And you would not be able to maintain even a minimum relationship with Y.
In short, if she has behaviors you cannot manage, it may not be so easy to simply have her removed back to the residential center where she's safe and continue on with the other children in your family. Her presence in your home could have a lasting impact on you, potentially affect O's adoption, and potentially affect your children in a negative way for life.

At least the way things are now, Y isn't going anywhere, at least not quickly. You have time to do this properly. Y probably doesn't have *all* these behaviors, but children in residential centers are often there because they are likely to harm other people, falsely accuse adults of abuse, set fires, sexually abuse other children, etc.

In this time you have between now and finalizing O's adoption (when you could begin to seriously inquire about Y), you can begin to research the different types of behaviors that could land a child in residential care. Learn the different issues, how they manifest themselves, how they're diagnosed, how they're treated, and the kind of parenting they require to help the child heal.

"Adopting the Hurt Child", and "Parenting the Hurt Child", both by Keck and Kupecky would be good to start with.
So would anything by Daniel Huges or Nancy Thomas.

I wish you luck, just be SURE you know 100% everything that put her in that residential center and kept her there for so long before you do anything.

[clynn]

One of our friends had an eleven year old fd who acted just like an Angel and was the sweetest thing you ever saw until about a month after she came then she went completely in the opposite direction.She would tantrum over very small things and would bruise herself and tell others that her foster parent beat her.She was in care because her parents couldn't handle her and placed her in care.My friends were not told this until after they started having problems with her.She may act good until she feels comfortable and then she will show her true colors,Or maybe she does just need a chance to belong and will try very hard to do good so she can stay.Who knows?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

DianaS gave you some very good advice, especially about the people you need to talk to so I have nothing else to add except to say good luck in your decision. I have 3 teenagers and 3 babies and, believe me, it is much different to parent a teenager (that you didn't raise to that age) than a baby or younger child.

Read all you can about her and read "between the lines." Ask a million questions if you need to. I agree that she's in a treatment center for a reason you need to find the reason and decide if you can parent a child with that/those issues.

Good luck.

Michelle

[kamamsm]

I would say woa- but not because you're crazy- because you aren't realizing that this child probably isn't ok for real. Believe me they don't just put kids in those places for no reason. And the kids there don't act crazy, or are restrained because of the "When in Rome" rationale. You can not love away psychosis. Perhaps your baby needs a stable, loving family rather than a sibling who could ( I don't of course know the girls' problems) potentially harm them. Please know I mean no offense- but so often we let our heart run over what are some serious signs. And the results can be devastating. There are families on this board who have had their lives and hearts torn asunder because of too little info, huge hearts, the desire to make everything okay for a child, and the hope of keeping sibs together.

[jolean12]

I want to play devil's advocate and add something positive. Our 2nd placement was an 11 y/o boy who had been removed from 9 placements in 6 months, including group homes and regular foster homes, for his behavior. He also attended an SEBD school (severely emotionally, behaviorally disturbed). He was an angel for a week and then all heck broke loose. I cannot even tell you how bad it was. He did and said things that I could not even imagine. DCFS decided to put in the phsyciatric hospital for evaluation and we promised him that we would visit as much as we could and when they let him out he could come home. He honestly did not believe us, he kept yelling, "No you won't, nobody else does". We kept that promise and drove almost 1 hour twice a week (that was all they had visits) for over a month and when they released him DFCS allowed us to pick him up. He didn't believe that until we there picking him up. This was all during summer vacation.....when school started back the principal called us to tell us that she could not believe this was the same child. I am not saying he turned into a saint but he was a different child, he stayed with us for almost a year and was sent to live with his grandma.....we have talked with him and also with the CASA that was assigned his case and she said that he is doing awesome and they are even trying to take him off of some of his medications
I am not saying this is always the case but sometimes they do just need someone that is there for them and that they know will love them and not just send them away. Do what is best for your family but I just wanted to put a positive spin on all this negative.

Good luck and keep us posted.