[me2jamaica]

This is my 1st foster child, 4 mo old. Had her 4 3 mo. She won't let anyone but my husband (4 short time) hold her. ** visits are traumatic 4 all. ** xcl'd last 3 visits, thankfully. It took 2 1/2 days of constant reassurance before she would let me put her down after the last visit. She probably should go back to **, and may go to a group home program with her in a few weeks. Any ideas how to reduce the trauma of visits & reunification?

[eightnotenough]

Have you told your CW about this? They should know about how she acts after the visits.

Hope things go well for you both.

[mom2GRLC]

Definately speak with the case worker and attorney ad litem for the baby. If a transition will be taking place they may want to move more slowely.....or have more visits but for shorter amounts of time. Keep a journal of her beahaviors before and after the visits.

[me2jamaica]

Yes, I've kept the CW informed. The CW just changed last week, but has the supervisor as the previous one. Didn't know if this would be a guardian ad litem issue. I guess it couldn't hurt to call. I'd gladly keep this one forever, but I think she probably should go back. I'd love some ideas on how to help it be less traumatic for the baby to visit and to go back - and how to support ** through this.

[Gwen]

Here are some things that I did when this happen with my fson (now adopting).
I used a snuggly, almost all the time. I sent him with to the visit with a stuffed animal or blanket that he used in his crib (and when seperation was really bad, I sprayed with my powder or hubbys cologne). Bringing that to the visit helped. Mine or my hubbys shirt in his bed (for night and naps after the visit) really helped. Those type fo simple reminders of us would calm the night type screaming.
I rocked and cuddled this baby non stopp and for him, he really did not know want to do with all the affection (although he was only 3 months...neglect was severe). Yet, in the day and night anything I could give him as a symbol of me or my hubby ( smell or sound) helped transition him when he had the visits. You cannot hold them 24 hours)
I am afraid that in my case the visits for him did not get easier. As he got older (he had visits til he was 2) he would scream the entire time so the soothing presence. Any seperation was horrible.


Not a ton of suggestions but a few that got us through as smooth as possible.

[mom2GRLC]

I was going to suggest the same thing...send his blanket that he sleeps with.....carry it around with him during the day so it has your smell as well. Send his favorite toy or stuffed animal....pacifiers. Write the mom a letter(show it to the cw first) letting her know some of the things the baby is familiar with...like wether you rock him or bounce him, do you usually pick him up and walk around with him, or put him over your shoulder and pat his back, or lay him down on his tummy on your legs. Do you hold him a certian direction and position while you feed him. What temperature does he like his bottle? Does he use a pacifier? does he scream the minute he is wet and need to be changed immediately? Does he need to be burped frequently when eating...and how do you burp him. How much does he eat at a time? Is he a baby that gets overstimulated easily? Are his visists at a time when he is tired and ready for a nap?

If he has visits when he is normally sleeping that could have an impact on his attitude you can ask for the time to be changed. are the visists supervised at the DHS building or does she have unsupervised visists? How long are they? If he has a 2 hour visit once a week then maybe they need to switch it to a one hour visit twice a week ...at a time when he is most awake.

The attorney ad litem....is your childs attorney they want to know important things or problems you may be having....they have the childs best interest at mind.....DHS works for both the child and the parent. The attorney ad litem may express his concern and ask that some changes be made.

My foster-adopt daughter also starting having seperation anxiety at that time.....that's probably all you fs is going through. Good luck with him.

[tlc4kidz]

We had the same thing happen with our 20 month old. We got her at 2 days old and the visits began being hard on her when she was about 3-4 months and did get progressively worse. They just stopped last month when the parents realized they were getting hard on her. Once when her bdad said "go to mom" they said she was looking around and they realized she was looking for me. That was when they decided to consent to our adoption of both her and her brother.

She would scream for a couple hours after visits even though they assured me that she was happy as could be during the visit. I know that's because she felt safe "telling" me about it. We tried very hard to get in a routine with the visits, but I did find if they missed several in a row then had one it was worse. When the location changed it got worse for a while, too.

The very best thing I could have done was form a relationship with their bp's because in the end it made them realize how much we loved their kids and would walk through fire to keep them safe. I did ALOT of praying for a year and a half and asked for alot of prayer, too. We were told over and over the kids would likely go home. Now they are home with us forever!

[Gwen]

Oh Yeah!!! They told me my baby would go home too!!! We are now adopting. So, remember to prepare for anything!!!!

[me2jamaica]

Thanks for the suggestions. Sounds like we just have to endure the screaming and keep praying. Is there any way this can be good for her? I think it would help if I got some communication from the cw or most anyone. I'm lucky if I'm notified of changes to the visit schedule. She sleeps well at night, once it is dark in her room, but daytime is always a struggle. She has two 3hr supervised visits and one 2.5 hr visit - all at diff times of day. She's got a hearing impairment and I think she's too worried about missing something if she closes her eyes. I do send a blanket and pacifier. She doesn't do toys yet. She screams as soon as ** picks her up and doesn't stop until I've held her a while. She seems less traumatized afterward if I am not there during the visit. I know I am.