[kmarr]

I am hoping to adopt my three year old fd and her one year old brother in December. We will continue to be in contact with the aunt and uncle of the bio-dad. When it comes time to change the birth certificate, what are my rights to change each child's middle and/or first name along with their last name? I want to change my son's entire name. The aunt and uncle may call him by his old name but how do I go about telling them that his legal name was changed and we wish to call him by that name?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

You would make the name changes part of the adoption proceedings. If you are sending announcements, send one to the aunt and uncle announcing >>>>>>'s adoption. They'll know then. It will probably be difficult for them to remember to use his new name, however, they should back you on it as you are allowing continued contact.

Just my opinion..

Michelle

[dann]

He will be your child to name to love and all the good stuff. My son's name was changed at age 5 and he still remembers his old name and has no problem with his old name but don't call him by it as he will tell you what his real name is! The Aunt and Uncle should abide by your wishes for the child's well being.
P.S. we started calling our son by his name immediately before anything was even finished. The school also abided by it and so did the social workers.
God Speed!

[kmarr]

Thanks! Your advice helps a lot. I am not sure when we change their names officialy but I think I will send the announcement to the aunt and uncle letting them know their new names. I really like the aunt and uncle and look forward to being in touch with them...I just was concerned about their feelings. It has been difficult for them to see their relative lose the kids.

They also want it in "writing" that they can be in touch with the kids until they are 18. They were told they have no rights but I am open to staying in touch. What exactly should be put in writing??

Anything you know will help.

[mckenna]

i don't think i would wait til the aunt and uncle read about the name change in an adoption announcement. that would be very hurtful. i don't think you need thier permission, just the courtesy of telling them before they open up their mail.

i adopted my son when he was 2.5 years old. he was my foster son from the time he was 4 months old. when he was 1.5 years old his bmom terminated her rights. that is when i started calling him his new name even thought the adoption would take another year to finalize. we still have an open relationship with his bmom and family. i told them what his new name was and they always use it. i am sure it was hard for them, but they understood he is my son . i think they refer to him by his old name when talking about him at home, but they always use his name to him. which is good cuz he does not even remeber his old name and would look at them silly if they used it.

we don't have anything in writing as far as openness goes, it is not legally binding in our stae

congrats on your adoption!

[kmarr]

I agree with you on the name change. I was going to keep a part of their name but just request that the aunt and uncle use his new first name. I will tell them after adoption is final but before the announcements are out so they are not surprised.

[Gwen]

I was very much in the position as Mc Kenna. Our baby has been here since he was 3 months. In Canada, the termination process takes FOREVER and the uncertainty about the termination went to trial (for a year in a half). So, not until he was two did we know we would adopt.
What we chose to do was use his birth name as his middle name and create a new first name for all legal reasons. However, we all know him as the middle name and chose to keep calling him by his birth first name- now legal this middle name. Our choice to legally change the first name was for security reason (bio parents live in town and know our last name). We have however changed the spelling of the middle name (the name we use every day) just to make it part of us.
We did try to change his given name and he protested!!!! He kept reminded us that was not his name (smart 2 year old). So, this was our compromise for that type of situation.

[kmarr]

I never even thought about changing the spelling for security reasons. The bio parents live in our town too. I like that idea because their is a much nicer spelling for his birth name...which will be his first name...I just want to change his middle names and call him by his middle name. He responds to both names because I call him both...kinda like "John Paul" or "Jean Claude." I think the aunt and uncle will be happy to call him his regular name and will be ok with us calling him both names together or just his new name. I am hoping they will understand.

[marsha4]

You do not want to put the aunt and uncle's visitation rights in writing! What if they turn out to be a bad influence, say things that are inappropriate, or even something as simple as you getting a job transfer and moving out of state? Do you want to be bound to this contract? I wouldn't. (however my foster kids bio parents attempted kidnapping, so I am of course very wary)

[BethanyB]

I also agree with Marsha4. Before I even read her reply, I was thinking...No way, should they put visitation agreements in writing. I'm sure the Aunt and Uncle seem great now, and I hope for the child's sake that you can stay in touch with them but you never know what kind of stuff they COULD pull. Sometimes it takes time to really see what people are like and you would not want this to back fire on you. So I would think twice about putting anything in writing.
Good luck to you!

[mommyn]

I am thinking of changing the name of my soon to be adopted daugthers. I am keeping their birth names but I changed the middle names to either family names or names I have always liked. I really do not care for the name given to my youngest who is 4 so I refer to her with both her first and middle names with the hope of dropping the first name but right now she seems very attached to that name but I really dislike it and I think she will not like it too much as she gets older so we'll see. I kept it as her first name because it was the name of the paternal grandmother's mother. I really got along well with the paternal grandmother and she was very supportive of the adoption and I thought it would be disrespectful to her if I didn't keep the name. We have appeals going on now and I have been legally advised to have no contact with the birth families until the adoption is finalized so I do not even speak to her any more but I do plan on contacting when the adoption is final.

You are not obligated to put anything in writing for the Aunt and Uncle. However if you feel it is necessary for whatever reason then you could have an attorney draft an agreement and be sure the wording is placed that visits will continue only in the best interest of the child and if at any time the adoptive parents feel the visits are no longer in the best interest of the child than the adoptive parents can and shall at their discretion end the contact at anytime.

Once the adoption is finalized you are the legal parent and they wouldn't have any legal standing, agreement or not but be sure to check your states laws on open adoptions and check with your attorney as well.

[sanleanne]

We adopted a girl at age 11 and she did not want her name changed. Our social workers strongly suggested not changing a name (first) if a child is old enough to understand that it is their name, unless it is a name that is associated with a drug use (sometimes a girl will be named crystal because of methamphetamines and once we saw a foster child named Tequila!). Our daughter's BF had threatened to find and kidnap her so we changed her middle name and last name and social security number. We talked it over with her and she agreed with the middle name as is was associated with her BF and she did not want it. We let her pick out the name so that it felt like her own choice. We read a book about adopting children before we went through the process and there were stories of children whose first names were changed and those children associated the old names with being bad...why else would their new parents want to change it if it wasn't bad? That is what they think...they don't understand our design to have some ownership or naming rights...so then the children sort of became two personalities. The new name would be the good child and when they were bad they would call themselves by the other name. I think when children are adopted they are stripped of everything that is theirs by birthright (name, religion, relatives and friends, place, etc.) and not of their own will. At least keeping their name, something so personal that is all their own, can make them feel not so ripped apart.

[yanknrebel]

We adopted our fd who was placed with us at 2 days of age. In our case, when the baby was placed in our arms straight from the hospital we were told her name was Kaila Marie. SO we started calling her Kaila (Kayla). While we liked this name, MY first choice was going to be Isabella Grace. Anyway, so we told all our family her name was Kayla. Then 10 days later the bf signed the birth certificate (they weren't married) and we got a call from DCS telling us that the bps had renamed her Rosa Elizabeth. NOw while I LOVE the name Elizabeth, the biomom's name was Elizabeth. THe name Rosa was after a sister of the bf that had died , but the bf had never met. Since this was a legal risk adoption , it looked very reassuring that we were going to be adopting this child, we always called her Kayla. It took us almost 3 years to finally get her adopted. We named her Kayla Grace. We allow the bf to call our home and we send pictures of her to him. WE agreed that we would allow this contact, though in our state of TN, there is NO such thing as an open adoption (after foster care). SO the DCS atty told me that I could agree to anything I wanted to with the bf, but I was under NO obligation to do any of it. That there was no legal obligation on my part to allow any contact with the bps. We allow contact because we know the bf and his mother love this child. The bf and the biomom are living together in Texas. We have made it VERY clear that there is NO contact with the biomom and our daughter. For our daughter's safety. At the age of 18, then if our daughter wishes to meet biomom, we will arrange that.

SO It depends on what state you live in. NOT all states will allow or ever try to enforce any such agreement with family members after the children are removed from the home and adopted.

Good luck. I do agree that I would check and see what the laws are in your state concerning open adoptions. If they acknowledge them, do NOT put anything in writing. The aunt and uncle can not make you allow visits. Nor can they make you give them anything in writing. Just explain to them that as long as they are respectful and do not interfere in your raising of this child and are not into a lifestyle or subjecting your child to "hurtful or harmful behavior" then you will allow contact with the aunt and uncle and would welcome it.

Just my opinion. Hope this helps.