[shelltatenbrady]

I am a stay at home mom of 2 boys and I'm married to a vasectomied husband who felt he was done at 2. I have always wanted to be a foster mom, and he has known this. He is afraid he won't love a foster child like he loves his birth children, and I have agreed with him. My question is whether we should begin the PRIDE classes together to see if he is receptive to the idea, or should I embark on this journey alone - and let him know as I go. I wonder if there are any mothers out there who have been where I am?
Thank you for any advice you can share,
Shelley

[leenab]

In most states I believe both parents have to take the classes. I know in NJ that's how it's done. They want everyone in the family to be on the same "page" of willingness to foster.

-LeenaB

[MommyofEli]

Here both parents have to go to the classes to get lic.
If you just want to go to learn, then I guess they would let you but both you and your hubby would have to go through the classes to be foster parents.

[MommaD]

Every adult living in the house has to attend classes in my state. But they did tell us that just because you start classes does not mean that you have to foster, they are for information purposes. In fact, they said that a lot of people decide the can't do it after they go through the classes.

MommaD

[stepforone]

My dh didn't think he would love a fc as much as his own but he was wrong. He does love them all (we take babies - 3 yo) and we are currently adopting one. He actually gets attached before I do even though I'm the SAHM and he doesn't see them near as much. Our of our 6 placements he would have adopted 5! And at the moment he is stressing out because we would like to adopt our first placements and their older sister but we haven't had an answer about that yet.

On the other hand, in our state both parents have to take the class in order to get licensed. Possibly you could get him to take it knowing that he didn't have to go through with it (many people back out during the classes) if he wasn't comfortable. If not being sure he will love them is all that he's hung up on I would suggest that you do the classes, get licensed and then take a child that is definite foster only and see how he does. I wouldn't suggest going in to it with the intent to adopt (if you were planning on that) until you have tested the waters and judged his feelings. Good luck, it only works if both parents are willing.

[mj77]

Please make sure you and your dh are on the same page before you do anything. Our state also requires dh and dw to attend classes. It can be stressful enough adding another member into your family when you are both on the same page. I wouldn't want you to put any more stress on your marrige with your dh not in agreement with you.

[shelltatenbrady]

Thank you everyone for your input, we live in Washington state and I'm sure both parents have to go through the classes together - and that's what I want. He is willing to go through the process, he just isn't so sure about his emotions regarding another child. I would hate for him to think of a fc as "my responsibility" while he takes care of our bc. I want our home to feel comfortable, safe, and loving to anyone who lives here and I would love to have the opportunity to give a fc a good start. I'm thinking that an infant would be best for us given the fact that we have a 3 and 5 year old and it sounds like most people prefer to have a fc who is younger than their own. Thanks again, and any advice is always appreciated!
Shelley

[sfbaymom2000]

I think that in these things one person is usually more proactive than the other. In our case, my husband was always open to the idea (of fost/adopt) but was very nervous. We waited until after the first PRIDE class to tell our daughter of our plans, and then stressed that it was not a definite thing yet. I was nervous that the classes would scare him off, but it was the opposite. By the end of the classes, both of us felt like, "Okay, we are ready (for a match) NOW!" and we have felt very eager ever since. He has never really expressed doubts since then, other than griping about how long it is taking and wondering if we actually will get a match.

I would definitely recommend that you encourage him to take the classes, and keep reminding him that doing so does not commit you to anything. I had to keep telling my husband that...that we could stop the process at any time (before placement). Of course, if after the classes he still has reservations, I would hold off on moving further.

A while back there was another thread about this. Someone said that with her dh, she would have to let him 'catch up' with her at various phases. I think it was the same with us. I would bombard him with all this information from what I had read, and he would then need time to absorb it before moving to the next step (application, classes, etc).

Good luck to you!

Lynn

[newMafamily]

Our situation is similiar. My husband is willing to go to classes if I want to do it but not overly keen on fostering. THe social worker made it clear we both had to go. My thought is we would go and let him hear more from other people then me. I think since he is willing to go through the process we will become foster parents and take it one day at a time. I suspect that he will keep me realistic and I will help open his heart to the possibility of caring for children who need a temporary home. Will they be ''my fkids' maybe- but sometime my biokids are 'my kids' and I have to remind him we are in this together. It is reassuring to hear from others that the enthusiasium is not always balanced.

[shelltatenbrady]

Thank you everyone for your input, it just reinforces everything I thought in the first place. Today my husband wrote me a page-long note before he left for work saying that he knows how important this is to me, and he is more than willing to go to the classes and be involved in the process. He said he loves our family the way it is, but thinks we can be a great influence for another child and give them a good head start, and you can't believe how nice it was to hear him express himself that way. He is very expressive anyway, but he's always been hesitant to talk about fostering because it might make it real to him. I'm trying to figure out the classes and get us signed up, I'm really looking forward to this journey, and I absolutely love this forum - it has given me a lot of information as well as determination to go through with what I've always wanted to do with my life.
Thanks again,
Shelley

[newflew]

Shelley:
Hi there... I can completely understand about the whole husband thing. I have only been married less than 2 years. I have wanted to do foster care for many years though. I even took the class 3 years ago. My husband is going along with it, but I don't think that he really wants to do it. He will go through it with me because he knows its important to me. I sometimes feel that I am being selfish. But it is so important to me. Between the 2 of us we already have 6 children. I have 2 and he has 4. We only have his 3 youngest living with us and soon it will be 2. My two are grown. 21 and 24. His range from 11 to 20. Yes, I started VERY young....16. We are hoping to start the classes in Jan. Do you have any idea when you will start? You are right about this being an excellent resource. I read the posts every day.
Talk to you again.
Tracey

[pugsooie]

In AR both parents in the home have to go to the classes.

[tlc4kidz]

shelltatenbrady,
Our situation was SO similar to yours....2 bio-sons and all. I always wanted 8 kids and DH would've been happy with none (didn't let me in on that until after the wedding), so we are half-way there with 4. We had a potential relative placement that we ended up not getting, but that's what pushed him into going to the classes. He has been a wonderful daddy to all our fosterchildren and since we are adopting our 20 and 6 month olds we both feel our family is complete. Our biosons are 8 and 12 so I'm thinking with any luck I'll have grandkids to spoil before our little guys leave home!

We were talking about loving the adopted kids as much as the bios the other night after they were all in bed and we both feel like there just is no difference. I sometimes think we are better parents now with a little age and wisdom under our belts and with 4 you certainly can't stress over every little thing. They have added so much joy and happiness to our lives and our older sons feel the same. We waited until last week to tell them we were adopting for sure (we did discuss with them earlier because we felt they were old enough to voice their opinions). They were SOOO excited...high-fiving and jumping around. I always dreamed of having a daughter....just didn't plan on the added blessing of another son

[nursie]

My husband also was hesitant and he has turned out to be a very loving, compassionate foster dad. We started out with intent to adopt only and then we have been blessed with the option to adopt. We planned to adopt our 3yo fs and then his bmom had a baby. My hubby's comment on having DHS place the baby with us, he said, "We don't want a baby. They will find her another loving home." Well, baby sis is with us and it would take a herculean effort to get that child out of my husbands arms to take her to another loving home.
In other words, we have gone from fostering only, to adopting our fs, to now adopting him with his sib.
As far as loving them differently, I think even with bc you love every child a little differently. Not necessarily loving one more than the other but just different, that's all. That's OK.
You also have to know that some children will feel a good match with your family and other's you will feel love and compassion for but maybe not in the forever family way. No reason to feel guilty about that either. I feel it just means there is another family out there praying for these kids to come in to their home.
Good luck with your quest to foster. Keep us updated on how things turn out.

[FostermomCathie]

We have our own 3 which older now (12,14,16) and we have had many foster kids. I havent ever felt the same toward them as I do my own. We provide a good stable loving home for them but I have come to realize that the feelings are different. We have had babies to teens and we lovingly care for them all but to be honest, when they were finally placed with family etc I was ready to get our home back to normal. Many of these kids are so different from ours that it is a really tough adjustment and I think its real hard on Dads. I dont think that this job always comes with "liking" a child, but I feel that to provide normal (for lack of a better word) is somtimes as good as it gets. We have attended many classes but it takes the real thing to really prepare you.
Good luck and bless you for being willing, its incredibly rewarding somehow touching these children and making the experience of foster care a good one.