[Chercher]

Hi, I am mainly a lurker but decided to post my problem. I have been a foster parent for about a year and a half. We have only had little girls (under the age of 4). Friday we agreed to a 14 year old girl. This kid has no serious problems, she's great. The problem is me.

We have 2 little ones- 14 months and 25 months and a 9 year old daughter who is my husband's from his previous marriage. The reason "J" (the 14 y.o) was removed was physical abuse by dad and suspected sexual abuse by a live-in family member. She's quiet, helpful and kind of like a friend to hang out with. She's very mature and has a good sense of humor.

My problems:

1. She's not allowed to walk to/from school per DCF because they don't want her hanging out with any of her old friends who I guess are not good influences. We live too close to the school for her to take the bus. I have to drive her to and from school. That puts a huge burden on me because I also drive the little ones to their schools (pre-school programs). They are in different centers so I feel like all I do is drive around! School will not bus her, I already asked.

2. My step-daughter's mother is giving us a hard time about J and SD sharing a room. She doesn't want them to be unsupervised. This is all a crock. It's a petty grab for control/power at our house. Mom is refusing to let SD spend the night as long as J is here. She already canceled tonight's sleepover. I am so furious!! No amount of reassurance that J is a wonderful, appropriate kid has helped.

3. DCF says J should not be left alone with my husband due to the sexual abuse. Not only do I want her to feel comfortable but I want to protect my husband against any allegations. This is difficult because I do need some space. She's with me ALL the time.

4. I do not feel comfortable with an older child. I am only 28 so I feel I do not have the experience and comfort level dealing with a teen, no matter how easy and good she is.


I called the SW and left a message detailing above and asking for a new placement for J. I feel extremely guilty. I leaned heavily on the argument about my step-daughter because it was easier to blame someone else. I feel like such a coward. I just didn't want her trying to talk me into keeping J. If I just said I didn't feel comfortable with J, then she'd try to give me all kinds of solutions. I guess I am just not willing to go above and beyond for this one. J was already in another foster home for a week but had to leave because the foster parent's daugher was coming home and they didn't have enough room for J.

Am I horrible? I dread telling J....I feel so badly but I already am looking forward to her leaving, having things back to normal. Any suggestions? Thanks for listening....

[roxanna425]

It is too bad that a child with no issues has to move. Hopefully a future family won't assume that there's a hidden reason for her move and not take her. I know from experience that the more kids are moved, even though there may be no issues it just looks worse than otherwise. You DO however have to do what you have to do. I'd also tell the cw that you work with that you refuse to take anything older than a certain age and that they either have to go to the same school as your kids or be able to walk to school. I'd also probably not take older girls sicne they almost all have boundary issues or have been trespeassed upon sexually in some way. It's all a learning curve so you can learn form this experience albeit at the expense of your teen placement but sometimes life is hard. I commend you kno knowing your boundaries and being able to act on it. I support you in doing what's right for your family.

[lucyjoy]

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I will say, that I agree that a 14 year old with a sexually abuse history should not share a room with a 9 year old. While it appears to not be a problem, the risk has to be acknowleged.

Hopefully, she will be placed with a family more able to meet her needs. I can see how hard it would be to manage just the commute to school with the two little ones.

It is sad that she has to move already, but you need to do what is best for everyone.

[Mysticah]

I think you are doing the right thing, asking her to be moved. This is the honeymoon period for her. She may seem wonderful right now, but things could change in an instant and she could abuse your daughter. Unfortunately, it happens.

We brought a sexually abused 6 year old into our home. She stayed with my sister who also had a 6 year old. They laid her down to nap with the other one. (We were all very green) and she tried to do things to my niece. The 6 year old did stay with us, and we adopted her. BUT we had no other children. I have never seen her act out again. But the possibility is always there. We too were told not to leave her alone with my husband. My greatest fear is her retaliating in her teens and saying he did something, when in fact he didn't. Teens are great manipulators. My daughter at 11 3/4 is a great manipulator.

Don't feel guilty. You know your family. Your first responsibility is to protect your family. There are other families out there that can better meet her needs. Definately tell your sw that you want to stay with younger children.

I commend you for being a foster parent. We are strictly adoption. We can not take the fostering......being here for a short time, then leaving. Our wait is forever with the state because we aren't foster to adopt. But I guess we just wait..............

[sam_i_am_71801]

Why do you find her so expendable? If she were your biological daughter would you ask for her removal from your home? Think about it. You took this child in. She is depending on you. Ask yourself this......why did you do this in the first place? Have you given her false hope? She only needs to belong somewhere....and to someone......just as you and I do, and every other human on this earth. She is in no way.......and these are your words...........putting your family in jepordy. Seems to me that you need a break. Take time for you. Go on vacation. Plan times during the week to do what you want to do. Tell the family that you need some space. Being honest is the greatest gift that you can give to someone and to yourself. You need a time out. So take it. Demand it. You are a strong woman who just needs to let someone know that you don't want to be so strong all the time. Let someone pamper you. Even if it is you who are the one who pampers yourself. Life is too short to never take a break. I have watched so many people work themselves to death............literally.........trust me on this one.........hun take a break............regenerate...................you will have a whole new outlook on life.............

[ingodshands]

This is a tough one.

Firstly, I agree, that you have to think of your existing family, and do what you think is best.

The problem I have, having been fostered to numerous homes, is that this child will be moved again, having done nothing wrong....and she will be left thinking "what did I do" and "here we go again". I think, if you have to have her moved, at least please sit her down and talk to her, explaining what the reasons are for you letting her go. Reassure her that it is NOTHING she has done, and that she is a wonderful person. Otherwise I am afraid, that if you dont talk to her before she goes, she is going to find it extremely hard to settle at her next home.

She will feel unwanted, rejected, and not know why this has happened, and think there is something wrong with her.

I, to this day, remember getting removed from one foster home. No warning, they had the social worker come to remove me from school, take me home, pick up my bin liners full of clothes, and I had the choice: try another foster home that they had found for me, or go to a Children's Home. I was extremely upset, not knowing what I had done wrong, and just being bundled into a car with a social worker, without any explanation as to why I was being moved, again.

I know you feel awlful, and you have to do what you feel is right, but please, just give her some respect and explain everything. She will be upset either way, but at least she will know it is nothing to do with HER personally. The way I see it is, YOU were a good kind person taking her in in the first place, extend that side of yourself and comfort her before she goes.

At least then you can comfort yourself knowing you were strong enough to talk with her face to face, and explain things.

Just my opinion, it is in no way having a dig at you. I wish you well.

Collette