[beccer]

Today I the very unwanted privelidge of spending some time with my husbands uncle. I try to avoid this man as much as I posibly can, for many reasons. All of our family knows about J and I wanting to become foster parents, and the ones that matter to me are really happy for us.

well out of the blue My husbands uncle asks me "so when are you going to start popping the kids out?" even though he knows of our plans to become foster parents. so I try to calmly explain to him that WE have no desire to have bio kids at this time, and we will think about the posability around the time I turn 30 (in 6 years). he goes on to basicly tell me why he thinks this is a bad idea, and why he thinks I should reconsider, and to say that we will never be able to love these kids as they are our own. I try to let him know that this is something we have talked about and feel is right for us. and I let him know that I will love these kids as though I have given birth to them, because they will be my children.

I know that to most this may not seem like such a big deal but my is very close to this uncle, (eventhough, thank God he is nothing like him), and I am at the point with this man that I already do not want to be around him because of his attitude, and his views on things are so twisted.
I know that if he will not except my children I will not be able to let him be a part of my families life, and my hubby stands behind me on this.

anyway I am just concerned about this causing problems for our future family. and I am very angry that this man who has no grasp on reality would try to talk me out of doing something like this.

thanks for letting me vent.
-Beccer

[kamamsm]

I totally understand your feelings- and agree. Don't let his distorted reality effect your emotions though. Simply say," I realize many people share your belief. We don't. That's what makes this a great country! Who are you voting for?" That should change subjects. You may never get through to him,but you know what is best for your family. Some folks are so miserable that they cannot tolerate other people being sure of their happiness.

[barbhuff]

You'll be amazed at the amount of people like this that will come out of the woodwork. You just have to chose to live your life the way you chose to live it. He'll see the way you treat these children and change his mind-- or he won't. Don't let it change who you want to be.

All the best!

~B.

[mj77]

Some good repies. I do have a question though. You mentioned that you are wanting to be foster parents, then you say that you will love them as though you'd given birth to them because they will be your children. Are you doing foster care or are you going for adoption. If you are doing foster care, though this guy is WAY out of line, this could be why he's asking when you are going to be having children. Foster kids wouldn't be your kids, they would be their parents' kids entrusted in your care as a foster mother. However if you are planning on adopting the children through foster care (foster/adopt) that is different and maybe it should be presented as these would be your kids and this is what your heart says is right. I would also say it is a personal choice that you choose to adopt rather than birthing your children. I really like kamamsm's comment she gave you. That's great.

Don't allow people's ignorance to get you down and rob you of your joy. You will find yourself constantly educating people and surrounding yourself around the more supportive friends and family. Good luck with everything!

[akcskye]

Originally posted by beccer
so I try to calmly explain to him that WE have no desire to have bio kids at this time, and we will think about the posability around the time I turn 30 (in 6 years).
thanks for letting me vent.
-Beccer

The above quotes were snipped out of the original post so my reply wouldn't be too long.

Good plan, Beccer, however, are you prepared to have a child around 35 or 40?

Many women, especially once they get to the 30 year old mark, start having even more trouble than a "normal child bearing age" woman does in getting pregnant.

It's admirable that you want to adopt...go for it if that's what you desire...however, things might be a total suprise once you hit the big 30 and decide you want to work on your bio family.

Please do not think I'm agreeing with your uncle, I certainly am not, however, a LOT of women think that IF will not happen to them or their hubby, and then the rude awakening hits.

Better to find it out now at 24 (I have PCOS and fibroids diagnosed at 23 years old), then at 30 +

If I would've waited 'til now (I'm 30 now) to have a baby, look at all the stuff I would've been blindsided with. Myomyectomy (surgical removal of the fibroids), hormone therapy, hysterectomy (if fibroids have caused too much damage to my uterus), glucophage (to control the metabolism functions that PCOS hinders), etc etc etc.

And at 35 your chances SIGNIFICANTLY increase for potential problems with your baby, such as Down's and other diseases.

Just more food for thought.

Kristi

[leenab]

I agree with akcskye. I'm 27 right now and love being a mother to Raj & O & T. I'm very happy with the way my life has turned out.

When DH and I got married 3 yrs ago we already knew we wanted a big family. We discussed adoption, but dh wanted to wait until we had biochildren and then adopt. At the time I couldn't see where he was coming from. But after what we went through with infertility I can completely see.

We battled infertility and lost big time. Two years of try and going to a RE only to find out DH doesn't have anywhere near enough sperm .25 million. And then the huge gamble with IVF that we didn't want to take as it wasn't covered by insurance and our chances were very very low.

But now we know that it's not going to happen. And after all that we've been through, fertility drugs, bloodwork, cycles and cycles of testing, it's nice to have closure of it all.

It would have been so much worse if we adopted first and tried to conceive second only to find out we couldn't have a biochild. And then age could have come to be a factor.

And being around other people's children always made me want to have biochildren. I couldn't imagine fostering children while going through the whole infertility thing. There were days where hormones and fertility drugs could make me cry just seeing a pregnant woman. I've cried in Walmart so many times from seeing newborn babies and soon to be mommies. There were days I spent in bed crying (everytime someone I knew got pregnant: my sister who got pg after I tried for 9 months, my cousin who got pg, 3 of my friends.)

Just something to think about.
-LeenaB

[beccer]

I am happy to hear your concerns. honestly we have both considered the risks involved in waiting. when we first got married it was my original plan to have boi children first then adopt later. but as the years past it just didn't feel right. I realized the only reason I wanted to have my bio children was because it was what I taught you do after marriage. and as we prayed about it and talked about, we feel more and more that this is the right thing for us.

I mean if I were to get pregnant I would be happy just like any other woman, and my hubby would be happy as well. but right now we both strongly feel that this is the thing that we are both sopposed to do.

I am sure in 2 or so years I will reconsider, and we will talk and pray again. but we feel confident that this is right for this stage in our lives.