[ChristyES]

We had an open, honest conversation with my 11 year old foster daughter tonight and I am wondering if we too harsh.

She has been in our home for 8 months. Before this she was home with her mom for about a year and lived with us for 6 months prior to this. She was placed in another fosterhome to keep her from changing schools and she asked to come live with us instead. While the original plan this time was reunification, it looks like TPR is likely. She spends most weekends with the aunt who fosters her sister. We have a good relationship with the aunt and her sister but her aunt has made it clear that she is not able to adopt her. Consequently, she spends a lot of time traveling from one place to another and despite living here for some time, does not consider it home. I suggested, and her aunt agrees, that it would be good for her to spend more time on the weekends with us. We worked out a plan where she would go to her aunts one weekend, her sister would come here the next weekend, and on the third weekend they would stay home. She would still see her sister on Tuesday night at a sibling visit and on Sunday at church.

Anyway, this coming weekend is the weekend she is to stay home with us. She was upset by this and at first I politely explained that we wanted to spend more time with her on the weekend so we could do things as a family. Since I was still getting attitude from her and it had been a long day, I explained to her that we have bent over backwards for her and have rearranged our lives dramatically so that she could live with us. We take time out of our lives to take her to visits, drive her to school, help her with homework, take her to counseling, take her to extra-curricular activities, etc... I went on to say that we are happy to do these things for her because we love her and she is part of our family but that she needed to put forth an effort to accept us as her current family. We said that we cannot go on trying to make things work if she is not willing to make an effort to adapt to this situation. She wants to be with family members and I understand this, but there are no family members willing to take her fulltime.

I'm sorry, we are good fosterparents but we are not without feelings. We feel used. She expects us to be there for her whenever she needs but not to expect anything from her. We are tired. We want to be there for her but are tired of the one-sidedness.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[leaabc123]

It is normal for you to feel that way. However, her feelings are also normal. it is also a part of adolescence to be stubborn and selfish and to not like change.

Is there anything else you can do to help her with this transition? Has her aunt told her that she is in agreement with you?

I see that she is in counseling (after I wrote my answer). have you all had any kind of family counseling? Is her counselor discussing these issues with her?

[2boyz1girl]

We feel used. She expects us to be there for her whenever she needs but not to expect anything from her. We are tired. We want to be there for her but are tired of the one-sidedness.

I know how you feel, I get feeling that way with my biological children occasionally. However, I do think that you could be a little more sensitive toward her because of her past. She doesn't owe you anything, sure it would be great for her to be thankful for the nice life that you are providing her, but she didn't ask to be in her situation. She's old enough that she knows what's going on. If someone had told me at 11 that I couldn't be with my family, and now I needed to accept their family, I would have been pretty upset.

we have bent over backwards for her and have rearranged our lives dramatically so that she could live with us. We take time out of our lives to take her to visits, drive her to school, help her with homework, take her to counseling, take her to extra-curricular activities, etc...

You chose to do these things when you became licensed for foster care and took her in, she didn't chose to make you do these things. Don't get me wrong, I know that you must have a wonderful heart to be willing to do these things, but you chose this situation, she didn't.

Do you intend to adopt if TPR happens? Have you considered adopting her sister as well?

[mj77]

I agree with the first 2 posters. Your fd is at a selfish age and probably wont fully appreciate all you are doing no matter how much you explain it. It is true that she doesn't owe you anything. I imagine this must be difficult for you all. If you get the attitude from her again, I would just be empathetic and tell her that you are sorry she feels the way she does and that you are more than willing to allow which ever visit falls on the next week (which you were planning anyway). She is in charge of her own feelings it's something she will need to work through. You can't do that for her.

[ChristyES]

Thanks for your replies. I agree, it's difficult for her. We want to help her and not add to the problem but it just gets very frustrating! I guess I am expecting too much from her. I am very sympathetic to her situation, that is the reason we are doing this. Prior to her asking to live with us again, we had asked DSS for no new placements so we could bond with our soon to be adopted son. I ran into our fd at the counselors office and she begged to come live with us and it broke my heart. We couldn't take her sister because she was in middleschool and DSS did not want her to switch schools, also we had both girls the first time our fd lived with us and while they love each other, they have a very unhealthy jealousy due to their past history and when they are together too often they do mean things to each other (this is much more than typical sibling rivarly-it stems fromtheir history which I won't get into). Yes, I think the aunt has made it clear that she will not have fd living with them but still wants to include her as family which is wonderful but very confusing for fd.

Anyway, I don't think there are any easy answers, I just wanted to vent and see if others are in similar situations.

Thanks.

[riley6]

I agree that this is a selfish age, but it's also an age where children are supposed to start looking at things in a more mature way. We are supposed to teach them reciprocation in relationships.

We had a fd that we had hoped to adopt. She was here for one year and never really bonded. She did everything she could to push us away and finally did something so dangerous that we had to have her removed for our safety. The only time she started to bond to us was when we sat down for a family meeting and I said to her basically what you said to your fd. I told her I loved her and I didn't expect her to love me like she did her bmom, but I did expect that she try to be part of our family. She had been with us probably 8 months or so at the time. I had waited for that "magic 6 months" when everything is supposed to start feeling natural

I told her that I loved her and our family wanted her to be PART of our family, but that she treats us like she's just a tenent in our home. She agreed and said that was how she wanted it. So I gave her her wish. I didn't take her anywhere, bc a landlord doesn't do that for her tenents. I didn't pick her up after school, do her laundry, take her to her school skating party, etc. I did the VERY basic of care with her (made meals, provided her with necessities of life). After about 2 weeks, she came to me after school and said she wanted me to go back to being her mom, she wanted to be part of our family, not just a tenent in our home. I was VERY happy and for a few days it was good, we were a realy family. It didn't last long (she had severe RAD and just couldn't bond with us or anyone).

I think your feelings are very natural. Her's are too. We fp's are superhuman, unfeeling androids, we are real people with real feelings. Don't feel bad for how you feel.

[ChristyES]

Thanks Riley,

It's good to know that others have similar feelings. I've read many of your posts and know that you have a wealth of experience and are a very caring person.

Sorry to hear that your fd was unable to bond. I am becoming concerned that this may be the case with our fd as well. At this stage she does not show many RAD characteristics but she is an expert at denial. She keeps everything inside. Her counselor is just beginning to see progress so we are hopeful.

I like the tennet idea, I think it really brings home the point. We are not ready to be so extreme but just making the comparison may help her to better understand wat it means to be a member of a family (even if we are not her first choice).

Thanks
Christy

[newflew]

Hi there:
I was just reading your thread. I have to tell you that having an 11 year old that is not appreciative of anything you do is NOT AT ALL UNREAL..... My husband and I are just getting into foster care. We have plenty of experience with kids not appreciating anything you do. I have 2 children and they went through it. My husband has 4 children and the 3 younger children treat him pretty bad. It isn't very often you hear anything positive from the 13 year old or the 17 year old. I really believe that the problem with your fd is more of an age thing. In a lot of cases, kids that age would rather spend time with ANYONE other than their parents. Your fd has a lot of things to work out and she is now at the age that she thinks she has to figure it out alone. Just let her know that you understand what she has gone through in the past, and that you will be there for her. Never allow her to be rude, but don't expect appreciation.
Tracey

[Crane13]

Being a foster parent is like riding a roller coaster. Not many people in the world can understand why we (all foster parents) are "willing to love a child and then see them leave." It is completely normal to have the spectrum of feelings all across the board. This is a safe place where you can talk about it and gain experience from other fps.

I have not had a teen and can not coment on you fd's behavior. I am glad that you brought this concern to the forum, as we can all gain perspective. Thanks for posting, and thank you for caring about "other people's kids."

Jill