[MsTee72]

Hello,

I am in a current adoption placement that will be finalized in Feb. or March of next year. One sibling is 5 and the other is 10. My question is how do I go about getting them to call me mom? They were calling their foster mom "mom" before they came to live with me.

When we first met I was introduced to them as Ms. (by my first name). That was fine with me because I have a long last name and figured they couldn't pronounce it. But now I no longer want them calling me by my first name. I told them I want them to call me mom now because I am going to be adopting them and they will have my last name. I also told them that they will be living with me until they are grown and I am going to be their mom, so that might as well get use to calling me mom now. I'm afraid that if they keep calling me by my first name, they will get use to it and won't call me mom. Of course if the younger one hears the older one do it, then she will too.

They have been in my home for 3 weeks now, and we have been visiting and knowing each other for 3 mos. now. They do understand they will have my last name and they were ready for the adoption placement. They didn't have any issues leaving the former foster mom because she prepared them for adoption. They now refer to the former foster mom as Ms. instead of mom, but don't seem to like the idea of calling me mom.

I have read some of the foster/adoptive parent forums and someone had said it has been over a year and their child doesn't call them mom or dad yet, which makes them not feel like a family. I can understand that.

I have told the kids I didn't want them to call me Ms. (by my first name) anymore because it sounds like they are talking to their teacher or a babysitter and I am not either one. I explained to them the reason they were calling me that in the beginning was because we had just met.

The 10 yr. old is withdrawn and is slow opening up, and has attachment issues, she also has a lot of influence over the younger one. Of course the younger one does and says what she does.

Do you have any suggestions of what I could say or do to get them to start calling me mom? Also any suggestions on how to keep the younger one from doing and saying what the 10 yr. old does?

[leaabc123]

well, the most important thing is for the kids to be comfortable. have you talked to the 10 year old alone to find out why s/he is not calling you mom? It might take awhile..... maybe you and the 10 year old could come up with something that is a compromise right now until s/he is comfortable?

I think if I was that age and used to calling someone else Mom, it would take me awhile to do that too.

Not sure about how to handle the 5 year old. Hopefully, other folks more experienced with siblings can help with that one.

[nickibear]

I don't have any experience with this type of thing, but since they are probably still thinking of their foster mom as mom, what about asking them to call you Momma (first name). Later they would probably drop the first name as names naturally shorten, or you could say "just momma, OK" to remind them. That seems like an easier transition. As time passes they will think less of foster mom as mom and you more. The title of mom or dad is very emotional and the 10 y/o is probably withholding a little emotionally and you can't really blame her. I would have a nice one to one talk and ask her to do this for you to help build your family, and see if there is anything she would like from you to make things a little easier.

Good luck!

[kamamsm]

Could you invent a new "name". That kind of takes the kids off the hook of having to bond quickly and supports your (absolutly understandable) need to develop a relationship. The three of you could make a game out of choosing the name together. ( Think Little Women where the girls called their mom Marmee.) I'm sure there's a ton of names for mom- available on the web.

[Lorraine123]

Don't get too caught up on a title. "Mom" is just a word. While I know it feels good to be called Mom, what is most important is that the children think of us as "mom" - safe, trustworthy, loving. What they feel about you inside is what is important, not what name they call you.

My daughter called me Mom from the first meeting. The word had no meaning for her. She has had bunches of moms. I was simply the adult female in charge at that point in time. I would much rather be called Lorraine, and have her love, trust and feel safe with me.

Don't force them to call you mom. In your case, when they really do, you will know it means something. I would have much rather had my daughter wait to call me mom and do it when it really meant I was MOM.