[dustspot]

I have been hearing just nightmare stories about adopting foster children, and frankly, I am about ready to say forget it. It seems that the stories just keep getting worse and worse? I do not want to go through tearing my family apart, losing our friends, fearing for our saftey, and losing everything financially!

Any thoughts? Any good stories out there? What should I really focus on to choose a foster care to adopt child WISELY? signed...broken hearted.

[2boyz1girl]

I wouldn't recommend fostering to adopt. If you want to adopt, look at the children that are already legally free. If you want to do foster care, do it for the sole purpose of giving a child in need a good home, and if that child happens to become free for adoption -- GREAT!

I do have a very good story though. Our dd was our first placement. We were actually licensed as therapeutic foster parents through a private agency and were expecting to take older kids with behavioral issues. Well, "E" was the first newborn our agency had ever recieved in thirteen years of business. She was placed due to her stools testing positive to alcohol and marijuana. She was 5 weeks premature so we didn't get to bring her home from the hospital until she was 10 days old. Her bmother had a LOT of issues and hasn't seen her since she was a month and a half old. Her bfather was another story, he too had a lot of issues, but he fought for custody every time he got out of jail. It was 17 months of hell for our family not knowing what was going to happen to our sweet baby (that is why I don't recommend doing foster care in hopes of adopting), but in the end he decided to relinquish two weeks before he was set to stand trial for termination. Our baby girl is now almost 22 months old and we are hoping, hoping, hoping to finalize our adoption very soon. She is doing exceptionally well, so far no signs of effects from the substance exposure. I will say that she was well worth everything we went through, but I'm very hesitant to do it again.

[Jensboys]

We adopted two boys ages 3 and 4 and a half at time of placement.

That was 5 years ago. Was it as easy emotionally as infant adoption? no! Did it take a whole lot of work, help, support and effort on my part? yes! Was it worth it? yes! would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

Things that worked in our favor ...

1) Only two prior placements. Birth family and foster home.

2) Foster Mom VERY supportive of us before, during and after transition and adoption. She is still a valued member of our "family".

3) EDUCATION!!!! and LOTS of it. Read every book, talked with counsellors, didnt stick my head in the sand. PREPARATION. Aware of issues - and addressed them.

4) Got a complete file. Our boys social worker was retiring and very VERY compliant with our requests. We got their ENTIRE foster care file - records of every birthparent visit, every contact, ever doctor visit, every foster parent visit, every family phone call etc.

5) Sensitive to the children's needs - and this meant birthparent contact. It has been a HARD thing but a good thing.

6) Consistancy. Taking PROACTIVE steps to ensure attachment, a healthy environment for the kids, proper support (with a few stumbles along the way with a wacky therapist). LOTS of love!

7) COMMITMENT. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING was going to deter me from my boys! They were "mine" from the day I heard about them and I was/am willing to fight for them.

8) Understanding - realizing that "feelings" might not be there right away. Knowing that love is an action not a feeling. Understanding that no matter how happy I am to be their parent - they sufferred enormous loss to become my sons.

9) A whole lot of "luck" (or miracles as I prefer). Our boys are NOT the children they should be on paper. Their therapist gives me credit - but I give God credit. And the boys! And their foster mom! And their birthfamily - who despite their failures and loss has done the best they can now to be a positive addition to the boys lives.

I know there are horror stories ... but ours isnt. It was NOT easy. But oh so worth it. I wouldnt change our older child adoption for 10 infant adoptions - EVER. I KNOW I made a difference in a child's life. I know it!

[jennyg1982]

Our story has a good ending too. We adopted 3 older children who are bio. siblings. The first came to us because his bio. mom decided to place him with us with no agency interference. He was 10. A few years later we got called about his younger brother who was then in foster care and we adopted him. He was 11 at the time. Fast forward a few years and we got called about our son's sister that was in foster relative care. She was 15 and we adopted her also. There were many hard times but I would not trade my kids for the world. As was already posted it is not easy but WELL WORTH IT! It can be done. Our kids are now 25, 22 and 19 and doing excellent. They all finished school and are taking care of themselves now.

[riley6]

You first need to decide what you want to do, straight adoption or foster first in the hopes of adopting. We went with the latter choice. We had 11 children before the four were placed with us that we eventually adopted. We also had two failed adoptions that were straight adopt.

I would consider our adoptions successful. We don't have kids that in all probability will destroy our family, our finances, or our lives. It was a long road to get to where we are though. My younger two have healed from RAD. It was a very tough first three years with them.

I am such a different, and hopefully most would say BETTER, person now than I was when we started this journey. I am who I am bc of all that we've been through and looking back from where I am now, I'd have to say it's all been worth it...even the crap!

I have the best family I could have ever dreamed of. I love my kids, my dh and my life. I probably appreciate my blessings more bc of what it took to get them. On bad days I try to remember what it was like before my kids. I'd pray and pray for more children. I'd lay in bed in the morning with no reason to get out. I'd skip meals and make my dh cook something packaged for dinner, bc there was no reason to cook for just the two of us (my older kids were working after school and didn't come home for dinner). Now, regardless of how tired I am, I get up early to get my kids off to school, I pack healthy lunches for them and prepare healthy dinners. I get hugs and kisses 20 times a day from four kids that I'm totally in love with. I get to teach my kids to read, to ride bikes, to swim. I get to take them to scouts, to the zoo, to youth retreats. I get to hold little hands when we shop. I get to take pictures and put them in photo albums and look at my smiling, happy kids doing things they didn't have the opportunity to do before they became part of my family.

Yes, I have to pick up a more cluttered, disarrayed house. I have to clean up puke when the kids don't make it to the toilet when they're sick. I have to answer phone calls from the teacher telling me that my kid hit another kid in school. I have to listen to my teen whine to me that all the other kids get to do something I don't allow my kids to do. I have to do 30+ loads of laundry a week. I put 100 miles on my new car a week. I have to buy 2 gallons of milk every other day. But you know what, NONE of the "bad" could ever out weigh the GREAT things that I get to do with my kids.

YES, we have a success story. NO, it wasn't easy getting to this point. But you know what? The best things in life DON'T come easy! My kids are the best thing in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Auerpower]

COOL...IT SURE IS NICE TO HEAR ABOUT THE SUCCESS STORIES...THANKS FOR SHARING.

[Howdy]

My coworker is a success story too. He's in his 30s with a family, a good job, everyone likes him and the customers prefer to have his help (that drives his teammate crazy) because he is such a nice guy.
His first 5 yrs were spent in foster care until he finally got adopted. He loves his parents. Also loved his foster parents and kept in contact with them until their deaths.
A couple aspects that are important I think are that he was in the SAME foster home from infancy until he was adopted at 5 yrs. So, he was never abused, neglected, etc. He also has a very laid back content type of temperament.

I haven't gotten my forever match yet, but my first two placements were both nice kids. Some 'issues' (like separation anxiety, low self-esteem, grief, some defiance), but nothing horrifying, both attached very well.

[Adoptparent]

In July 2002 I adopted 2 children, brother and sister 11 and 6. they were foster kids, they also have another brother who I could not adopt, however we see him very often. I am now the proud parent of two of the most wonderful loving children in the world, they are average kids in every way and I have had no more difficultlies than any other parent has. I looked at every menthod of making a family that medical science and nature could provide me and found that adoption was the method that was intened for me. A very wonderful experience.

[dustspot]

Thank you for all of your stories. At this point, we are looking to go straight for adoption without fostering. One of the things I am hearing include the importance of 1 foster home vs. being transferred all over.

We have a potential match with a 2 yo girl who tested positive for cocaine at birth. her birth mother abandoned her at the hospital, and she has had one foster home placement. She is small for her age and has some developmental delays in the areas of gross motor skills, language communication, and fine motor skills. She will be assessed for FAS due to these slow developments. Do you think this is something we should pursue? Any advice is appreciated!

[dadfor2]

dustspot,

i hear the fear in your thread. a couple of things to think about.

1. alot of people come out here who are having diffulculties with their adopted kids, but this is just a small amount. If we only had our youngest son, chances are i never would of even found this forum.

I found it when we were having issues with our older son and was looking at everything to try to help him and came across this forum.

so keep this in the back of your mind, that alot of people out here came looking for support, but their are millions that dont even know that this forum exists because they never needed to look for answers for the issues their kids had.

now the hard part...

2. FAS....i would look very closely, shes only 2 yrs old. It sounds like your interested in an older child, but your concerned of the child tearing your family apart. I would rethink a child with FAS.

my advice is read up on kids with FAS and see if its something your ready to handle, do not ask your social workers about it...they will sugar coat it.

do some investagation...the reason im mentioning this, is because it sounds like your worried of the 'nightmare stories', a child with FAS might not be a good fit with your family.


dadfor2

[2boyz1girl]

I am offended that you have been advised to "rethink a child with FAS." First of all, this child has not been diagnosed with FAS. I think it would be much better advice to pursue this cautiously. I think I have replied to your posts before about FAS, so you know where I stand. I would say to see what happens with the upcoming evaluation, read everything you can find on FAS (take it with a grian of salt though), talk to the therapist who performs the evaluation, talk to former foster parents about her, and decide what YOU are able to handle.

As far as the cocaine, in many cases it causes delays in the beginning (could very well be the cause of this little one's delays), but they usually catch up and do okay.

If you are unwilling to take a child who has been exposed to drugs or alchohol you are going to GREATLY reduce your chances of getting a child (especially a young one) through the state.

[dustspot]

Thanks for the comments. I know that I have expressed fear about the "nghtmare stories", and FAS can sound pretty scary. I appreciate your spotlight on that issue, because I have been scared off from some of my reading (I read "can this child be saved' - not for the faint of heart.. I do need to be very careful about the FAS issue - and I will look into it.

I do agree that social workers seem to sugar coat it. The cocaine doesnt seem to be as big of an issue, but it seems to me that if a mother did cocaine, what are the odds that she didn't drink, as well?

I know that we need to accept some impairments going through the state - i do want to help. That's why we are looking to adopt from the state in the first place. but i don't want to do it if it means tearing my family apart, losing my assets, and losing my sanity. that is why i want to do TONS of research first. I don't mind dealing with issues on a scale that will be difficult at first, but eventually enhance my family life.

Are there certain interventions after the age of 2 that can help if the child is diagnosed with FAS? If so, where can I learn more about them. Thanks again for all of your help.

[dadfor2]

2boyz1girl

im sorry i offended you, but i was actually talking to dustspot, who, as i took it, is worried that she will adopt a child and the child has explosive behaviors and is worried that it will tear her family apart.

yes, a child with explosive behaviors can and has teared families apart.

a child that has been exposed to drugs, and probably etoh, has a chance of having FAS.

a 2 yr old with FAS looks different then a 8 yr old with FAS or an 11 yr old with FAS...lets not kid ourselves, all kids grow up.

i was actually writing for protection of the child so the child is not disrupted because it was just too much to handle.

there are alot of kids in the foster care system who might of been abused, neglected, and abandoned, who were not born to drug addictive mothers.

i think dustspot knows the child from the fostercare system will have issues and she is not looking for a 'perfect' child, but is worried that the child will have explosive behaviors and tear her family apart.

not all children from the foster care system have explosive behaviors, something she is worried about, so i just wanted to look real hard at adopting a child with FAS....

it just seemed to me like it wasnt a good fit.

If someone was looking for a child between the ages of 4-6 with downsyndrome, i wouldnt tell them that they should adopt an infant....

some children with FAS might have explosive behaviors...this child is only a baby, 2 yrs old...what will be the picture 4 yrs from now.

again, sorry if i offended, but the heartacke i went through, and is still going through, i would never suggest to anyone to take on something that they might not be able to handle.

dustspot..have you thought about maybe looking into a little older child, so if there are behavioral issues, they are already recorded.

there is no quarentees in any child....but i wouldnt want to set up a child for disruption because someone was thinking with their heart and not their heads.

believe me, i know this first hand

dadfor2

[2boyz1girl]

dad, thank you for clarifying. However, I must have missed something, because I didn't get the part about this child having explosive behaviors??? It's great that you want to protect families, but there are some families out there that can handle most of these things with the right preparation and a whole lot of support, and I can't help but feel for a child who has been passed up by a potential adoptive home just because of what might be. In your defense, my dh is concerned that I would take any child that came along, and that we'll end up having to care for them for the rest of our lives. To be honest, there are kids that I wouldn't take, but a two year old with the possibility of FAS wouldn't even phase me -- in fact, I'm raising one! I realize that not everybody feels the same way.

Dustspot, yes, there are interventions, and the earlier the better. If you wait until they are too old, it may be too late to intervene on some things. It is true that many of the symptoms may not show up until later, but any child could develop problems later. Most states have early intervention programs that are completely free if the child qualifies, and they automatically qualify with a diagnosis of FAS. I have had trouble though finding therapists and doctors who are knowledgeable on the subject. Canada seems to have done a LOT more research on FASD than the states. Most of the beneficial stuff I have found has been on-line. A lot of the books are outdated. There's also a FAS support group that meets in the city I live in, maybe there's one close to you as well. Is this evaluation supposed to be done by a geneticist?

[dustspot]

The agency just told me they were doing an evaluation - i will have to find out who is doing it. i first starting looking at older kids, and decided i wanted younger so they could attach easier and not have so many different placements in their past. i guess i didn't realized that many of the issues don't show up until later.

what are some things i should be looking for once i get the report? what are the really big red flags? Dadfor 2, what were the major signs in your family? This may help me decide what I can handle and what I can't.

I need to get a really good, CURRENT book on FAS and interventions. Suggestions?