[Courtney]

Hello all! This looks like a wonderful place to come for support and for questions. I have two brothers that are foster children. I have a 9 month old that was placed with us last March so we got him when he was 3 months old. My husband and I absolutely adore him to pieces and we are hopeful that with the next hearing coming up in November, parental rights will be terminated and we'll be able to file our petition for adoption. I couldn't imagine loving this little boy any more even if he were my own.

His 3 year old brother came to us a little over a month ago. He's usually pretty well behaved minus typical 3 year old behavior but here's our problem. The boys still have supervised visits once every 2 weeks with the birth parents. The 9 month old has no clue who these people are but the 3 year old has issues after he sees his parents...and with good reason. I understand that he is confused and he misses his Mommy and Daddy and seeing them now once every 2 weeks is hard for him but he gets very emotional after the visits and his behavior is almost unmanagable. He refuses to go into time out for his bad behavior and throws temper tantrums. The day after visits he is very willful in daycare (won't listen to the daycare workers and has bad behavior) and last week he pulled another child's hair and when the daycare worker tried to put him time out he tried to bite her. He knows that his is unacceptable but how can we help him cope with these visits? It usually takes a couple of days after the visits for him to return to his normal self.

We had talked to the social worker about this and this is the reason why he only gets a visit once every 2 weeks. It had been weekly but because of the behavior problems she had them moved down to once every 2 weeks which has helped.

Any ideas?

Also, if and when parental rights do get terminated how do we explain to a 3 year old that he will not be seeing his parents anymore? He does talk about them quite a bit and sometimes when we get in the car to go places he asks if we are going to go see his Mommy. We respond with, "No, but you'll see her soon." What do we say if it comes to the point where he won't be seeing her anymore?

[4linekids]

Being a foster parent is challanging and rewarding at the same time. You have only had your 3 year old for a month, he is diffenently not settled yet and acting out after birthparents visits is totally normal for these children. The longer he is in your home you'll notice that he reacts less and less to his visits. I know this will be hard given there ages and time placed with you but do not show that you adore the baby more than the 3 year old. Having a 3 year old in your house is like having a pre-teen sometimes, you never know how they are going to re-act. Instead of trying to decipline after visits just do a constant reassurance that you love him. Also, after all our visits we go out for treats. It dosen't always work but if you can put yourself in these childrens shoes they are confused, scared, and have no control of their environment. I don't know if I have helped but good luck.
Becky

[Courtney]

Thank you for your response. We lavish the 3 year old with attention and affection as much as we can. It's obvious he has actually bonded more with my husband than with me. He follows him around and constantly seeks his attention. With me, he's more distant and I don't push myself on him but he also tries me much more.

After I had written my first post I told him it was nap time. He usually cheerfully goes to his room and naps for about an hour or so but today I heard him crying in his room. I went back in and asked him what was wrong and he was crying saying that he misses his mommy. I told him that I know he misses his mommy, she misses him too and that I loved him. I changed the subject got him smiling again and then closed the door.

It's so hard for him. It breaks my heart. I don't know what else I can do!

[riley6]

What is the 3 yr old's history? Did he come to you from another fh or from his bmom? I would not be giving him time-outs right now. I would give him time-ins when he misbehaves. Tell him that you need to keep him (and the others) safe and since he is not being safe, he will have to stay with you. Don't let him out of your sight. He can sit and play with a little toy, read a book, do some little task you've asked him to, whatever, while he is right next to you.

Give him time. A month's not too long for him to be with you, but to his little, confused mind, a month away from his mommy (regardless of the reason), is a life-time.

Good luck!

[Courtney]

The 3 year old came to us from another FH. He was removed the same time as the other kids back in March. He was in a really good FH where he learned discipline and self control. The birth mom basically let this child run free and he was able to get whatever he wanted in order to keep him out of her hair. He was neglected, not physically or mentally abused.

He came to us because the CW wanted him to be in a home where he would be adopted. His prior foster family did not want to adopt him.

So that's his history in a nutshell. When he is put in timeouts, we are always right there with him and never leave him alone.

[riley6]

I sent you a private message.

[SageKitty]

Hi!

Most of the time the parents want an open adoption agreement and that is the only way they will sign sooner than later. That means they still see the child as directed by the terms of the agreement. Granted it may only be twice a year, but you need to be aware of that. Good Luck!

[Howdy]

My foster daughter was much older, but I found her sadness after her weekly visits to be a good bonding time for us, because at that moment she needed lots of comfort. Being older and very verbal made it much easier because she could tell me how sad she was, and how it was all her fault she was in foster care, etc., and I could ask her to explain and I could provide correct explanations to help her.

I'm not familiar with three year olds but from what I've read I'd guess you need to help him express himself. Sounds like what you did when he was crying at nap time was good. I'd try that immediately after his visit, help him find words to express his sadness and anger, support his feelings as normal, explain that he needs to be with a mother who can spend time with him, and assure him that you'll take care of him. Maybe help him draw a picture of how he feels or something. Perhaps there is just no way to avoid him being sad and angry for a day or so. Might be a good time to visit a therapist who is experienced with exactly this situation.

Your comment about not pushing yourself on him sounds like an iffy tactic to me. I'd think you need to push yourself on him to overcome his resistance, you know, all the bonding activities like holding him, looking lovingly into his eyes, rocking him, stroking his cheeks, feeding him a bottle (or sippy cup), etc.

Have you read Attaching In Adoption by Gray? I found it at my local library a year ago, and it is a very good book, there are lots of other good books too of course.

[Courtney]

Riley6: I tried to reply but it said your mailbox was full. Hope you get my message, it was a long one.

Everyone else, thanks so much for the tips. 3 is a tough age anyway let alone what this child has already gone through. I will check out that book.

My husband and I are getting ready to attend a class starting next week called "Love and Logic" so I'm hoping that we will be able to pick up some ideas and some good pointers there too.