[SageKitty]

Has anyone tried to adopt a foster child and it distrupted? I have an explosive child that was not this way when the process began. I feel terrible, but so not think I can go through with it. Can anyone relate?

[aMarylandfamily]

We have experienced a disruption of a sibling group of two just prior to finalization ... heartbreaking! ... but was necessary when the 4 year old girl turned explosive and suicidal and was too young to receive the psychiatric services needed ... schitzo-effect (schitzophrenia and bi-polar combination) was not enough to override age.

We have also experienced a "disruption" after finalization which I'm not sure is referred to as a disruption or more an out of home placement at this time. An 11 year old placed with us did very well the first 6-10 months followed by what was deemed as on-set bi-polar coupled with PTSD after he became both a danger to himself and to others (severe rage and violence against both exhibited ... appearing slowly and then escalating dramatically) eventually requiring residential treatment facility placement and the determination that he may not be able to ever function in a family (other than therapeutic foster care which requires no attachment) ... again heartbreaking but necessary for the safety of the family members.

Do we have regrets ... only for what couldn't be not for taking them or for effects that we have had to recover from. We will always wish things could be different but with the support of friends and this board we have come to understand we did make a difference and it took courage to love them for a time while advocating for services they might not have otherwise received.

Whatever you do - do not finalize unless you are willing to take this on forever ... assistance and services is much easier to fight for and receive while they remain on the state's rolls ... doesn't make sense but is the truth.

I could give lots of advice but think I will see if you respond and answer questions you have (if I can). Just know that you are not alone (another board poster - Dadfor2 - is also encountering a disruption at this time ... so look for his posts) ... you are not a failure and you will get through.

Hope this helps.

[SageKitty]

I am glad to hear that I am not alone. It is heartbreaking since when he is good, he is great. I love this little boy and it breaks my heart to even think this will not work out.

His older siblings are acting the same way and he does not see them. It makes me wonder if the damage that was done by his birth family is encoded into his mind and will never do away no matter how much I care. Every day I feel like I am walking around a time bomb. What does DSS do if you say you need to distrupt?

Sadly,
Sagekitty

[aMarylandfamily]

Again - please know that there are many who have experienced this pain ... no one can understand the hurt though until they walk these steps so I'm hoping that I can help you through this.

It's hard knowing when to disrupt or when to give it another try. Our situation was similar in the fact that bi-polar is cycles of ups and downs and when things were good they were very good and they quickly turned back to good after a rage making us wonder if our questioning was justified at times. (Sorry that's pretty wordy) We too loved and still love all three of the children mentioned and always will ... we just had to pull our hearts out of the picture and determine if long term effects would be more detrimental with or without us ... and I do believe from your words that you are now getting to the point if you are not there yet knowing that your little one needs services which may be beyond both your capability and ability (and that too is hard to come to peace with as it is always our goal to be everything to the child we take in forever). Your caseworker needs to be made aware of your feelings as soon as you can reach her/him ... depending on the situation they will recommend several avenues of tries (which you may want to attempt before making a final decision) or they will put the disruption into motion ... neither is easier than the other believe me. At no time will they question you ... only to make sure this is what you want ... nor judge your decision. They will set up a transition program - whether directly to another placement or to respite and then on to a placement and will work with you and the child individually and together to make this as easy as can be identifying that it is just not working ... not that you didn't do your job nor that the child didn't do his. Again - not easy - but ok. In the case of our sibling group we had no further individual contact with them but did make friends with the foster mom who had them and got the little girl back at one point as history had proven she was the only one capable of tolerating her behaviors until about a year ago (she is now 10) when she had to request residential for her and she has been there since ... so we did get some progress reports for a time. In the case of our now 14 year old, we worked and are working closely with DSS to get the services needed. A recent step down into therapeutic foster care required us to relinquish our "care and custody" while maintaining legal rights at least for now ... again a painful scenario but necessary for the child to try and function outside of a 24/7 residential facility. Everyone (including the judge) is aware that a physical reunification will never occur but that it is our goal to be whatever part of life this boy wants us to be and when ... if only a friend 10 years from now .... or just persons in his past. This does not mean that you cannot adopt again ... they will want you to take 6 months to a year before you take another placement to allow time for grieving and healing which I'm sure is on your mind ... you may even think at this point that once is enough but you never know what feelings tomorrow will bring you. Do remember though that to let this go on endlessly is not good either - not only is the child getting older but he too may be feeling something and self-esteem can quickly be lowered just by wondering ... if a move is in store for him - the better on a positive note than one that had to be put into place.

And I'll stop here for the minute ... remember to read my words for advice and information - using what you can and ignoring what you don't want to hear or feel for the minute ... sometimes it hurts just as much to read something and know it is coming ... re-read when you are ready.

Again - hoping this helps ... my heart and prayers are with you.