[riley6]

The hardest part about being a foster parent is the waiting. We wait for everything. We wait for the classes to start, for the classes to finish, for our fingerprints to come back, for the licensing worker to type up our homestudy, for the state to approve our license, and then about the hardest wait....to get the call for a child to be placed with us.

That's the wait I want to talk about, and I'd like to share my experience with you.

Before becoming fp's, we had our minds set on what type of behaviors we would and wouldn't accept. We knew what gender we'd prefer. We knew what ages we would and would not take.

Then came the wait.

We waited four months after our license was approved before we got the first call for a child. During that four months we called DCFS almost every other week. I didn't want to be a pest, but I didn't want them to forget me either. I saw other families getting calls and children placed with them and I wanted more children too!

I finally got the call, but it wasn't THE call, the call with the child that I had hoped for. She was older than what we said we would take. She had some issues we said we couldn't handle (and later found out she had MANY more issues, dangerous ones that we had initially said ABSOLUTELY NOT to), but we had become desperate and fearful. We were desperate bc we really, Really, REALLY wanted more children. We were fearful that if we said no, we'd never get another call. We were fearful that if we said no, if we did get another call it would be another four months.

So we compromised ourselves (and ultimately our family and the child) and said yes.

It was a disaster! In the end, our family was almost destroyed. My marriage had been shaken. We could have lost everything. And we had more pain added bc we had to make the heart-wrenching decision to have the child moved. We damaged her more by doing this. We increased her mistrust of others. We hated doing it, but after a year of giving it our all and having our children endangered, we had to have her moved.

What I want to say to other foster parents is do NOT compromise what you have set as your preferences for a child. Do not feel fearful or desperate and take a child out of your own insecurities. Not only could it hurt you, but it could hurt your family, and ultimately it could hurt the foster child as well. We all got into fostering to help children. It doesn't help the child at all to be moved from home to home bc the fp took on more than they could handle. It DAMAGES the children more. We know before becoming fp what we can and can not handle. Stick to that. If you say one child, don't take on a sibling group of four. If you say no older kids, stick with it. The baby or toddler WILL come to you.

After we disrupted, we did get more calls for children. MANY more calls, bc our sw knew we had the tenacity to hang in there with a child (to a point). They knew we had the skills to handle very difficult behavior. But we also knew our limits. We no longer were willing to compromise on certain things. We have turned down a lot of placements, for the CHILDREN'S best interest! We are very selective of what behaviors we will take. We have to be and you should be too!

I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't know the reason at the time. I won't say I regret a minute of the pain and heart-ache I went through with our first fc, bc I learned so much. The most important lesson I learned was to listen to my inner self. I also learned to be patient. After the fc comes to you, that may be the most important lesson....patience! Waiting is definately the hardest part about being a foster parent!

[Betti]

I 100% agree with this post!!! We did the same thing, agonized over the wait, talked long and hard about what we wanted and could and could not handle, decided to adopt one child, anxiously awaited a call and then in the end said yes to the first phone call for three children. We were told the children had no physical or emotional problems. Later we realized the girl likely has an attachment disorder, is a pathological liar, controlled the younger children so much that the younger boy was held back developmentally and had major dental problems. The young boy is four and yet physically, emotionally and developmental like a two year old and he needs speech therapy, and special eduation classes. Both older children were not safe to leave with the baby and our dog. The baby seems fine so far. Then we find out the parents have hepatitis c and the four year old has been using my child's toothbrush when we weren't looking and is not potty trained so we have been at risk. To add to this, our five year old son was overstimulated by the girl who didn't understand personal space or quiet time and this led to his having nightmares. So we said no communicable diseases and maybe the children have hepatitis but no one will tell us becasue we don't have a right to know. And we said absolutely no children who hurt animals and we got two children who do that. And we said we wanted to adopt one but got three. While the workers may not have known about some of the issues, you can't hide the size and speech of the four year old. After tremendous agonizing we asked to have the girl removed and everything is working out well now. While we certainly understand almost all foster children have issues and need extra care, you carefully decide on what problems you are willing to take on for a reason. All waiting foster parents who are so excited should heed our warnings! I believe in foster care but only take what you have previously decided is right for your family. And don't listen to the statements about how it's all about the children. In reality, the entire family has to be considered.

[kllee4]

Can I just tell you both, along with the numerous other foster parents out there, THANK YOU for all that you do on behalf of children. I always knew that fparents were angels here on earth but I am so appreciative of your efforts. Besides parenting being the hardest job on earth (as well as the most rewarding), I think that fparents definitely have the hardest job and the biggest hearts!

I have felt guilty in the past for deciding that fparenting was not the right fit for our family (for now, since our sons have all voted that they feel they would prefer us to adopt a baby girl - the baby sister that they have wanted for years). With the numerous compliments from people (family, friends, etc.) that have always been given to us regarding the way we raise our sons has always made me think that fostering might work.

I initially attended an orientation and knew that I had to come to grips with the reality of our situation and decide that it wasn't going to be a good fit. Thank you both for sharing. I don't think that what you both have said would scare anyone away who was thinking of fostering, rather, I believe that being honest is the best thing that can be done so that the children are spared and that families remain in tact.
God bless you both (and everyone else) who takes on this tremendous responsibility and gives (and receives in most cases) the love and nurturing that the children require and deserve! I'd love to give you all hugs!

kllee

[Betti]

Thank you for that reply! My first post may sound terribly negative, but I believe so strongly in the concept of considering the whole family. I have agonized over my decisions with the foster children because I want to give them all the love and care they deserve but we are only human and most people have no idea that foster care can consume your entire life and they need to know what they are getting into and be prepared.

[nrj]

I agree with waiting for the child who you feel that you can better handle, rather that thinking their past behaviors may not happen again. I have just notified my caseworkers that I want to disrupt a preadoptive placement of a 16 year old girs. Her profile stated that she has accused a former foster father of inappropriate behaviors and also set two fires in previous homes that she knew were not going to adopt her. I read her profile and knew those and many other not as serious things occurred. I thought that maybe I would be able to handle her, but unfortunately I can't. I have two sons (24 and 20)still living at home. These boys really arent too crazy about her so I know they wouldn't give her that kind of attention, however she accused her manager at a fast food restaurant of touching her and saying sexual things to her. This also was false. No such thing happened, she just decided that she sisn't want a part time job. She also caused a kitchen fire with a potholder. It was small, but it was a fire. It has been five months and I have "finally seen the light". She is going to be moved soon, but not aware of it. My suggestion to anyone out there who is considering an older child is to take their profile very serious, because these things will probably and usually will happen again while in your home. I should not have taken her in the first place, but I felt I may not have gotten a child and I acted in haste. It won't happen the next time. It was stated that she was mild emotional, but that is not true. I felt that not everything was disclosed to me and I didn't have this child long enough for overnight stays before deciding to move her in permanently. I didn't know her well enough. She has been with me 5 months which now I know was too long. I hope that my caseworker doesn't hold this against me for future referrals of other children. They should understand that I gave it my all and it wasn't enough. I hope they will. nrj