[1of2moms]

We spent 2 hours today with two social workers discussing a little boy they are trying to place. He was in a pre-adopt placement that fell apart (mom dropped him at worker's office this Monday saying "I'm through"). They really want this placement to work out for him because TPR could come as soon as October and they would like him to be in a home that could adopt him if this happens.

D turned 5 this summer and they would like him placed before he would start kindergarden in 2 1/2 weeks.

It is very exciting and also scary.

[MothermayI?]

Did they let you know why the other fm dropped him off? What behaviors was he exibiting?

[1of2moms]

Oh, yes. We have tons of details about him. This was a placement that was falling apart already and the caseworker really hoped that it would last just a week longer so she could get D into our home (but out license is due to be signed on Monday).

We have already worked out plans with the caseworker for therapy and some psych evals for D, both of which the previous fparents resisted. (he was placed in a very rural part of our mostly rural state. we are in the largest city area and have access to many more services)

We are excited and so far feel that after 3 hours of discussion with his worker (2 hours in our home last week) have a good idea of what we are accepting.

[nineballgirl]

Exhibiting behaviors?? Read on!
http://reliableanswers.com/cps/callahan.asp

DHS Needs a Dose of Common Sense
by Mary Callahan,
author of "Memoirs of a Babystealer"
Posted (January 8, 2004)

Three years ago, I had a foster child who was not allowed any contact with his mother. He was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder and Dissociative Personality Disorder. The team decided that he would never attach in his present circumstance until he detached with his past.

I bought into it. I even enforced it. When he asked about his mother, I answered, "Your mother is not a part of your life any more."

Then I had one of those moments of clarity you hear about. It came courtesy of terrorists flying planes into buildings, but suddenly all I could see was that we could all die tomorrow in a terrorist attack and I had a child in my home who hadn't heard his mother say "I love you" in a year. I knew that was wrong. His DHS worker knew it too and gave us his mother's phone number.

My foster son has since developed a very close relationship with his mother. He just spent Christmas with her. That relationship has done more to solve his behavior problems then all the years of counseling or any other tact we took to try to correct it.

What happened to me in that moment of clarity was that I replaced the junk science I was relying on with common sense.

Junk Science
Earlier this month when I participated in the 5 day Walk for DHS Accountability, I heard many a story in which common sense was replaced by junk science. Then that junk science used to justify actions that are not just wrong. They are cruel. Any unnecessary separation of parent and child is cruel

Common sense would tell us that children behave better where they are happier and are destructive in a home where they don't want to be. But DHS says when children are destructive in their foster home but well behaved with their birth family, it indicates that they are only comfortable being themselves in the foster home. This bizarre logic is frequently used to stop family visits and even cease reunification efforts.

And the junk scientists tell us that a baby who rocks for hours in the crib at his foster home is telling us he has been sexually abused in his birth home, that the rocking is masturbation. Common sense, even my nurses training, tells me that miserable children rock to sooth themselves and a child who has just lost everyone he knows and loves would be miserable.

Psychological Disorders
Sally Schofield said Logan Marr was the most "parentified" child she had ever seen because she was so protective of her sister Bailey. That psychological term shines the light of blame back on the mom, Christie Marr, implying that Logan started playing the parent role because Christie wasn't doing it. DHS bought that logic and was using it to justify terminating Christie's parental rights. Now that we know the truth, that those girls were in an abusive foster home, doesn't it seem like normal behavior on Logan's part to have been protective of her sister? Did DHS miss some signs that could have averted Logan's tragic death because they preferred the junk science explanation? (Her foster mother who was also a DHS child protective worker, killed her. She was 5 at the time.)

Possibly the worst misuse of psychology is the labeling of all birth parents as personality disordered. I met one on the Walk who was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disordered because she was always well dressed for meetings, and another who was called Depressive because she didn't dress well enough.

If they bring their family to court with them, they have Dependent Personality Disorder. If they come alone, they are too isolated. And if a parent gets too emotional at what is happening to their family they can be diagnosed as Histrionic Personality Disorder. If they are not upset enough, they must not care. And if they bring a stack of letters from teachers and doctors supporting their case, they are called manipulative, possibly to a sociopathic degree, to be able to fool so many people into thinking they were good parents.

Then there is the ubiquitous "denial." Parents either have to agree that they are bad parents or they are in "denial."

These diagnoses may come directly from the DHS worker or they may come from a professional who is hired by DHS to make the diagnosis. There is one group of such professionals who have bragged publicly that "not one in one hundred" parents come out of their evaluation without a diagnosis.

Predetermined Diagnoses
Doesn't that mean the outcome is determined before the test is even administered? Isn't that junk science?

2004 promises to be a new beginning for DHS. They will be merging with BDS. A new commissioner will be named to run the newly combined organization. But on the Walk for DHS Accountability the question asked over and over was, "Will anything really change?" Will it be a new beginning for the children and families of Maine or just the bureaucrats?

Common Sense
It could be a new beginning if DHS would throw out the junk science evaluations and replace them with common sense. If they would try to see the parents through their children's eyes instead of some shrink's tests, that could change everything. Children don't care if their parents dress to well or too poorly, have too much support or too little, get too upset or not upset enough. That's what unconditional love is all about and that is what should count MOST in any determination of what is best for children.

And I ask my fellow foster parents to consider this irony. We don't have to have parenting evaluations to do what we do. Only the birth parents do. How many of us do you think could pass them? Imagine if you had to pass the test just to keep your own children.

So try to open your mind to the possibility that your foster children's birth parents aren't the demons you've been led to believe they are. You might even find you have a lot in common with them. After all, you love the same child. Maybe you could even consider opening your homes to them, if that would make your foster child happy.

Remember, sometimes when a child says. "I want my Mommy," it doesn't mean he has a trauma bond with her, or that he is "parentified" or that he is responding to his mother's manipulative personality disorder. Sometimes it just means he wants his Mommy.

It's common sense.

Mary Callahan
Lisbon, Maine

[wrekdiver]

that was well said.

[1of2moms]

I have to say that the D's caseworker has not done anything to vilify D's mother. D was born to a 15 year old who is now in the state pennitentury. She was in the local jail for a court hearing and D was taken to see her. He also has a grandmother who would like to recieve letters and photos a few times a year and we plan to send the first one within his first month of placement. D is a child with a strong bond to his mother who unfortunately comes from a family with a multigenerational drug problem.

While we know that TPR could come as soon as October, we plan to talk about how he is living with us as his mother is unable to care for him right now. It is the truth and will be much less hurtful than what his last fmother told him- "I'm your mother now".

This is also the first time in 10 years that this caseworker has had a pre-adopt placement distrupt (pretty good record) and she is very motivated to make things work.

[gclvaruba]

So try to open your mind to the possibility that your foster children's birth parents aren't the demons you've been led to believe they are. You might even find you have a lot in common with them. After all, you love the same child. Maybe you could even consider opening your homes to them, if that would make your foster child happy.

But how do you explain to a six year that she and her two older sisters were removed from their parent's home because as much as Mommy and Daddy loved you, there were other things more important to them, such as beer.

How do you tell children...
that their parents loved them but never enough to bath them? But just remember they love you?

How do you tell children...
they are "behind" in school, because even though they were not sent to school very often, your parents still loved you?

How do you tell children...
you were sent home from school that day because you had lice and other bugs in your hair, but your parents still love you.

How do you tell children...
their parents loved them but there were no hot meals because beer and not working but staying home and drinking were more important than a stove, but your parents loved you?

How do you tell children...
you went to sleep on your dirty mattress on the floor hungry, but just remember your parents loved you?

How do you tell children...
yes, there is a light bulb in the refrigerator and yes, WE put food in our refrigerator, it was not made just to hold beer? Just remember your parents loved you?

How do you tell children...
you cannot go live with Grandma because the "government" thinks it is too much like your parent's house? How do you tell a child that although your Aunt loves you, the"government" won't approve her house for you to live in either? Just remember your parents loved you?

How do you tell children...
your mother loved you, but she sent you chidlren outside the house when she brought that man into the house, because she needed the money to buy beer. Just remember your parents loved you?

How do you tell children...
you never celebrated Christmas and the birth of Christ, or even your own birthday, but your parents still loved you?

How do you tell children...
yes, Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and Auntie all love you, but the judge says you will be better taken care of by strangers?

I have never been in their shoes and cannot imagine the worst of it, but how do you explain it?
Just remember Mommy and Daddy love you?

[nineballgirl]

In my case, I was demonized and my case was/is being brought before congress comittee hearings to enact legislative changes as to how CW operate and limit the authority granted them. Plain and simple; THEY WILL LIE!

There are cases that warrant intervention and intervention should be administered.

There are however, an overwhelming amount of families being ripped apart and children being placed with strangers, drugged, in alot of cases so the States can reap the rewards of the almighty dollar from the federal Govt. CPS/DHS will lie to fosters, courts, families and anyone else to keep cases in the system so they can enjoy the benefit of job security.

How does my son's fosters tell him: CW so & so said this about your mom but just remember Mommy still loves you?

Don't be so naive to think that EVERY child, or even half of them for that matter needed to be in the system to begin with.

http:www.familyrightsassociation.com

[joskimo]

I just wanted to say good luck to you 1of2Moms, it sounds exciting and I can't wait for my time to come!!! Good luck --

[sfbaymom2000]

Congratulations to 1of2moms!!! How exciting for you. It sounds like this thread went off into other issues a bit, but I am really happy for you. It sounds like you are well informed and willing to put in the hard work it will take to help your son-to-be heal! If he ends up being really chanllenging, I would encourage you to rely on the support of friends an family for "venting" and for needed breaks. Good luck!

Lynn

[1of2moms]

We met D yesterday and it went really well. I have spent a ton of time in the last few days lining up kindergarden, day care, a pediatrician, and his first counseling appointment. I am glad this happened before I was back at work.


Now, if our license is signed before D's caseworker leaves town for a week....