[mpatrick]

Today I saw my sister-in-law for the first time in over a year. She was sent to prison for having sex with a minor in which she became pregnant with his child. She had the baby in prison last year and it was immediately put into foster care. The baby, to my knowledge, has been with the same foster family since birth.

I assumed that when my sister-in-law was released from prison that she would be able to resume her life and get custody of her baby. Instead she was sent to a half-way house that is over four hours away from here. Now, I find out that the baby's foster parents are trying to adopt the baby without her consent. Is this possible? She was sent a letter from their lawyer setting up a "goodbye visit" and she was in town today to see her baby for possibly the last time. She has never wanted to give up custody, and has even gone through many programs at the prison she was in to help her with parenting once she was released.

What are her legal rights? Or would I have any legal rights to foster this child until she was back on her feet? I would hate to see her lose her child forever over a mistake that she sincerely regrets. No one ever thought that things would go this far, we never thought they would send a pregnant women to prison, especially one that has never had any prior convictions, for sleeping with a minor. (Well, except for the highly publicized teacher incident.)

I am just at a loss for what to do. I feel incredibly guilty for waiting this long to even come forward and try to do something now. My in-laws are less than compassionate, they come from a small town and are too embarrassed to consider adopting or fostering their granddaughter. I do, however, feel for the family that has taken care of her this long, but I feel even more for my sister-in-law that had to spend a year in prison paying for her mistake, only to possibly loose her child forever.

I live in another state than the foster care is in, but still within 30 minutes from the county. Would that present a problem with trying to possibly get foster care of this baby, or do I even have a chance since the baby is now near a year old?

Thank you for reading and any support would be helpful,
Michelle

[LoveRiddenDad]

I have a question. Why would you want to tear a baby from the home where he/she has lived for a year? Talk to a lawyer, but think about the child first and how he/she feels about her adoptive family.

[mpatrick]

LoveRiddenDad,

Thank you for your reply.

I don't want to "tear" this baby from it's foster family. I just don't want to see my sister-in-law loose her baby forever over one, though serious, mistake. She has never wanted to give up custody of her child, she was in prison and had no choice. She doesn't smoke, do drugs, nor has she had any prior convictions. She just made a mistake and was made to pay in a most unfortunate way. My purpose in stepping in, if I did, would be to help prevent her from loosing her baby altogether.

Having children of my own, I do feel empathy for the foster parents. But, isn't the purpose of foster parents usually a temporary one to begin with? Are they told up front that they are just there until the mother is able to care for her own child?

I am new at all this. I believe in family. I would never think of doing anything that would put my own family in jeporardy, but if something happened that separated me from my children, I would do everything in my power to correct that mistake and I would be eternally grateful to anyone who showed love to my children, but I still would still want them back in my own care.

I have posted here because I am not sure of what to do, I am just looking for answers and some advice. Again, thank you for your reply.

Michelle

[macrod]

You sil should have been given a case plan by now. She also should have court appointed attorney. Even parents in prison have rights. That said it is now up to her to start to working that plan and proving to a judge that she can parent a child. As for you fostering your niece, since it has already been a year the chances of a judge or cps/dhs having the child removed from the foster family at this stage is very slim. Of course you can always hire a lawyer to intervene on your behalf, but it will ultimately be up to a judge. Depending on the laws in your state if the foster family has had the child for a certain period of time (12 mos in TX), they can file for intervention to adopt as they are considered relatives. Before retaining a lawyer, I would call DHS and speak with the child's caseworker. Good luck!

[tlc4kidz]

Reading your post, I started to feel sick. There is absolutely no good solution. I completely understand your desires to keep this little one with her bio-family, I feel for your sister and am glad she has remorse for her mistakes. Being a foster-parent myself I also can completely understand her fp's desire to adopt...they have undoubtedly fallen in love with her. And most of all I feel for the child. It's awesome that she is loved and wanted by so many, but she truly is in the middle.

As a fp, yes, we are told that it is temporary and that the goal is reunification, but as the 1 year mark moves closer the goal can change to either concurrent planning (with adoption as a back-up plan) or termination of parental rights/adoption. It is my understanding, at least in our state, that a family can file for adoption and if the parent does not respond to summons within 30 days they can proceed with that adoption as if there was consent. In order to do that the court, guardian, and dss must be in agreement that adoption is in the best interest of the child. They would likely not agree unless every effort for reunification had been met and it would not be able to occur in the near future.

I would just ask of you that you seriously consider not taking this child from her home. It sounds so cruel and I don't want to come off that way, but even if you should decide to intervene it could take quite some time before she is able to be with you. You really need the advice of a good attorney, but also some serious soul-searching. Sometimes I think letting go may be the most compassionate thing you can do. In the end only you can make that decision. Bless you for caring!!! Keep us posted.

[mpatrick]

macrod,

Thank you for your reply. My sil does have a case worker, and before returning back to her half-way house she left me with the number to her case worker and court appointed attorney. I called the case worker who then told me that she could not discuss the case with me without written permission from the mother. She said that she would not even verify that such a child existed within the system without this written permission. I told her that my sil was the one that gave me her number and she still said that she couldn't do anything without written permission from the mother.

I do think that it would be in the best interest of the child to stay with her foster parents at this time, but can anything be done to keep them from adopting the child and making it impossible for my sil to attain custody in the future if she so chooses? She isn't a bad person, she made a mistake that she had to serve time for. What are her rights? Her understanding was that once she was out of prison and established a job and a home that she would be able to regain custody. Surely, she can't be expected to do this within two months of her release. She just received the letter regarding her "goodbye visit" two weeks ago.

Are there any actions she can take or that I can take to keep the custody from moving ahead?

The letter did say that the case was pending until October, which will be the babies first birthday.

What does DHS stand for?

Again, thank you for your reply. I am just so new to all this, I really appreciate any response. I don't mean any disrespect to all the hard work that I know that it takes to be a foster parent. I have three children of my own, I know the love and care that goes along with taking care of child. I just feel that this child is family and that I should try to do something.

[mpatrick]

fosterma,

I just read your reply after I posted to macrod.

I do feel much empathy for the foster parents, I am sure they love this baby very much to want to adopt her. But, of course, at the same time I feel for my sil who never wanted to give up her baby in the first place. She very sincerely regrets that she put her child in this position in the first place. But, if she gives up and lets this family adopt her child, she gives up forever. She is still young and would have to live with that decision for the rest of her life. I can't even imagine giving up one of my children, so my heart goes out to her.

I feel horrible for not doing more when she was in prison and trying to make sure this child didn't go into foster care in the first place. My in-laws feel very different about all of this and treat my sil like a stranger. I understand they come from a small town, but being Christian it upsets me that they have no desire to help in anyway. I didn't even know when she was due and didn't find out until a month later that she had even had the baby. I can make excuses all I want, but what it really boils down to is that I was too pre-occupied with my own children to take the time to do something back when it probably would have made more of a difference. My children are still young, they are 7, 5 and 4. What do I tell them when they are older and want to know why I didn't do anything to help this baby that cannot decide anything for itself? I am so torn. Part of me says to just let it go, the other part of me is saying do what you can to help.

I am just at a loss...

[numbr1dbcksfan]

mpatrick-- I guess the first thing you need is that written permission. Then talk to the case worker and see what the actual situation is. If she was in jail for a year and had the baby in jail, then the FP's couldnt have had the baby for a year yet...she should be able to fight it. She will have to abide by the case plan and convince a judge! I dont mean to be incompassionate, but I dont view this as ripping a child away from its home...that was a temporary situation! Have your sister fight it all the way! She needs to respond to everything, so that everyone involved knows that she is serious and that she means business and get a job so she can start to get on her feet. How great that she has your support now!! (DHS= Dept. of Human Services). I wish her luck, this isnt a case of abuse, this is as you said a mistake that was paid for!!

But speaking of the 'teacher' cases....what is this BS about that one lady having two children with a 12 Year old when she was in her 30s and getting a slap on the wrist... but this other teacher has relations with a 15 year old (a bit older) when she is what 22 or 23(quite a bit younger) and they are talking about putting her away for this huge amount of time......??!!?? Seems like it is a bit backwards to me.... JMO though....

[macrod]

mpatrick- I do not understand why CPS did not try to make contact with any family members prior to placing the child. They are supposed to make a good faith effort to finding a relatives placement before placing in a legal risk home. If they do not, then their case can be appealed if tpr'd. Have you spoken with the court appointed attorney? They are usually hard to get a hold of as they are usually loaded with cases, but the ones that I have dealt with fight hard for the bio. I am a foster/adopt mom. I can only wonder what CPS told the foster family about their chances to adopt the baby. I usually have a ton of questions prior to receiving placement, the first one being relative placements. The foster parents having had the baby for 9 months are already considered a source for adoption. There is nothing that you can do to stop that. You sil needs to start working her case plan. Time is working against her. Has the bio Dad been given a case plan as well? Has any of his family been contacted regarding placement?

[mpatrick]

numbr1dbcksfan & macrod,

Thank you for your reply. Just to give you a heads up. My sil is 26 and was involved with a 15 year old. I was told that his parents were going along with the relationship and then there was a falling out between my sil and his parents...they then turned her in to authorities. I believe the reason she ended up with a prison sentence is because she was suppose to avoid any future contact with this young man, but when she got her first ultra-sound she contacted him through a family member of his.

She had the baby October of last year. His family signed away all parental rights.

She has been out of prison for about 2 months and received the letter inquiring if she wanted a "goodbye visit". She has been in a half-way house that is a 5 hour bus trip from us and the county that has the baby in foster care. That was the closest place they had for her at her release. She just notified my husband and I last week for the first time since being sent to prison. She just got a new job and is working toward getting a business degree in which she was close to finishing in prison.

CPS never tried to contact us. I did however, try to contact them shortly after the baby went into foster care and was told that I would have to go through the system. At the time, my husband and I were living in a very small house with no room to grow. We were told that we should look at foster care as a long time commitment and that she didn't know if my sil would have any rights upon release. Things didn't seem practical at the time. Now, we live in a new house with plenty of room and lately all of this has been weighing heavy on my heart. I feel as if I should do something. My in-laws are the only ones that I am remotely close to on my husbands side of the family and they didn't even want to talk about the situation for over 6 months. She wouldn't even accept my sil's phone calls. They are still hesitant to give me any info about anything. It wasn't until she notified us this week have I heard about anything that is really going on. It is such a weird situation and not at all what I am use to...my mom is very open and has even offered any help she can on her part...more than her family has ever done.

I tried to call the court appointed attorney, but I just got her voice mail. I did leave a message.

What is a "case plan"?

I do know she took many courses in prison to prepare her when she got out of prison and that she was required to find a place to live and have a job before she could even try for custody. But, she has only been out for two months, surely they don't expect her to have everything together in such a short time. In addition, with her conviction, she was told that she would have restrictions regarding seeing her baby and being around children in general. I just don't understand how the foster parents could qualify for adoption when she hasn't even been given a fair chance to redeem herself, nor has she said that she wanted to give up the baby in the first place.

Anyway, again thank you for all the responses...it really has been comforting and helpful, more than you'll ever know. I know it is mostly up to her, but I just like having my ducks in a row and know what rights I have...and her too.

Blessings to all of you,
Michelle

[Howdy]

Are you sure your sil isn't keeping information from you? It seems very strange to me that she wouldn't know anything until a letter about a goodbye visit. My two foster kids haven't been infants, but although I never attended one, it seemed that every month there was some sort of court date for DHS to update the judge and the parents (if they showed up, or their lawyer) to tell their status/give their side/etc.

The first foster child I had (a 7 yr old) was in foster care almost a year and then was moved to me as a legal risk adoption placement. At the court date when DHS was going to ask for termination of parental rights, it turned out her dad had gotten out of prison early, found a job as fast as he could, and had a lawyer there. So DHS didn't ask for termination, and the dad's family had to get a homestudy which took a couple months, then they got custody. She had not seen him since she was an infant, so it wasn't like he had a lot of relationship with her, it was enough that he was the bio-father.

My second (current) foster child has parents who just aren't meeting their caseplan. I don't know if the relatives needed written permission but the caseworker contacted them that the child is going to be adoptable (most likely will be) and now they are getting homestudy approved and I have to let this child go too (she was placed with me as a legal risk adoption).

You'd probably need to be interested in actually adopting the child yourself, the law about a permanent home by the end of a year is so the child won't be bounced around and psychologically damaged by that. It wouldn't be good for a child to be just temporarily in a home waiting for their bmom to get on their feet, because that can take years. And I believe infants are more easily damaged by changes in 'parents' than older kids. Moving from the foster home to you would be a hard thing on the baby, and then to move again to the bmom later on would add more damage.

It might be that if you adopted the child you would not be allowed to have any contact anymore with your sister. My current fd is going to relatives and they are not allowed to even get phone calls from their son/brother without it being scheduled and monitored by DHS. They had to agree to that to be considered as a placement.

The one year limit seems very short for an adult to get a child back, but one year is a large percentage of a child's childhood.

[mpatrick]

Howdy "Howdy"!

I would like to think that she isn't keeping anything from us, but then again we haven't had any contact for such a long time. She didn't even call us until the police were practically knocking on her door. I think it is more out of embarrassment though than just being sneaky.

Her parents have never been of much support. She married at 18 years of age while still in high school just to escape her strict parents. She had a baby with her now x-husband who now has custody of their child. She had custody up until they sent her to prison.

I really don't think that her court appointed attorney has done much to help her. Do they usually notify the parent even if they are in prison? And if they didn't and notified her parents instead, they wouldn't have told us anything and definitely wouldn't have told her.

Thank you for your reply,
Michelle

[LoveRiddenDad]

I didn't mean for it to sound like an attack! I've been on the other end when bfamily pushes to get the child back; I didn't mean to offend. You should be able to contact CPS and see about filing and starting a homestudy and classes yourself.

[spaypets]

I wonder...Would we be having this conversation if it were a 26 year old man and a 15 year old girl? Would we be so eager for a 26 year old man who took advantage of a 15 year old girl to be a parent? Would we call his actions a "mistake"?

I think having sex with a significantly younger boy is a serious crime and quite honestly, I'm stunned that she only had to serve a year. And if this boy's parents supported or gave permission for the relationship at any time, well they should have been prosecuted too.

Since her crime was against a minor, there is reason to question her fitness to be a parent. This wasn't just whoops, she's 18. She's 26 for heaven's sake.

Mistake? Sorry, this was a deliberate.

[macrod]

Spaypets is right about the double standards. But that is a good point. She is now labeled a sex offender. This does not mean that she can not get custody of the baby. We had a baby where the Dad was sex offender and he maintained his rights - right up to the end. He had monitored visitation, had to get and keep a job for a min. of 6 months, housing, parenting classes, physc evaluation and drug testing. He lost custody due to his instability not his criminal history. Also, the GAL was not in favor of placement w/dad. The GAL's opinion weighs heavily in a courtroom. Has you sil had any contact w/the GAL? (the baby's lawyer) On top of her case plan: housing, drug testing, phsy evaluation, visitations, job, your sil will have to show that she has a support system. If you are that support system then you will probably want to show up for the court hearings etc. IMO you are not getting all the information from your sil. If possible drive her to her next appt. w/CPS.