[tlc4kidz]

mpatrick,
It sounds like you are beginning to have a change of heart....NOT that it's a bad thing!! You have to look after YOUR family first. Adding a new baby to your family (as I'm sure you know) is a stressor for your other kids and your marriage in the best of situations. You are not being a bad SIL or aunt in choosing to leave the child where she is. Is it possible that part of the problem is the unknown? If you were to find out she is in a fantastic home that loves and adores her and was willing to include you in her life would that change your mind? If you are like me your imagination has probably been working overtime. I always have to go into the what-if's.

Be persistent with getting permission to at least talk with the workers and find out if you can contact family. When we had the fd whose aunt was considering adoption, DSS allowed her to send a care-package to the baby through them. She sent several outfits and a stuffed animal. She also included a very non-threatening card that stated how grateful she was that we were there for her neice and asked that if we were comfortable we contact her. She gave us her home, work, cell numbers as well as her email. We did choose to contact and even met in person. She has been able to give this child copies of family pictures, detailed bio-history and some family momentoes...something no one else in the world could have provided her with. I believe that she will grow up more emotionally healthy because of her ties to her birth-family.

I think you need to sort out IF you are going to proceed before you take this step, because as a foster-mom now trying to adopt I think it would be very unfair to present yourself as if you just wanted to be "aunt" and later tried to "take her" (for lack of better words) from this family. Sorry so lengthy, but I really can tell by your posts you are having a struggle and you need to know YOU ARE NOT responsible for raising this child and should feel NO GUILT now or ever should you choose not to. God has placed her where she is for a reason...or at least that's my belief.

Hang in there and keep us posted....for the most part I think people here really do care for you, and mostly for the child!

[mpatrick]

2boyz1girl,

Thank you for your post. I am trying very hard to do the right thing here. It is so difficult to know...on one hand I feel that this child deserves to be with her mother that never wanted to give her up in the first place. We all make mistakes (yes, some worse than others), but my sil isn't some hard-nose criminal. She doesn't do drugs, smoke or party and never has. She is a simple girl that made a horrible mistake. On the other hand...I do feel for the foster family. I am sure they think of this little girl as their own. Then, there is me...as a mother, I can't help but think about her life and the impact foster care/adoption will make on her. Not that I think she won't be happy, but that she may grow up thinking her bf doesn't care.

Howdy,

That is a great idea...I love scrapbooking already! It is sad that the babies bfamily, including grandma, grandpa, and uncle and as far as I know, the bf's entire side of the family, really don't want anything to do with this baby. I already don't know that much about my in-laws. They aren't exactly the warm-fuzzy type. Myself, I come from a big family. I am one of seven children and I am very close to my mom. I also have incredible relatives. I have three aunts and an uncle and lots of cousins that I am very close to. Our family get-togethers are huge. When it comes to my in-laws though, we only see each other a few times a year. Infact, my husband has voiced concerns that his family will probably be upset to find out that we are even looking into any of this. If this were one of my siblings children, it would have never gotten this far.


fosterma,

I think you hit the nail on the head. I do worry about the unknown. When I talk to my sil though, I do feel for her and her situation. Like I mentioned above, her own family has never really been there for her. I feel like she has become of victim of her surroundings. Despite everything, she is trying very hard to be positive and deal with whatever happens. Part of me wants to help her get her baby back and yet another part of me does truly feel for the family that has had her baby since birth. It is so hard to know what to do in situations like this. My heart is being pulled in so many directions.

I do appreciate the hard work that foster parents do for children, it is definitely the most compassionate thing someone can do for another, especially considering that everytime you take in a child you are putting your heart on the line. But, does that mean I should just give up?

My sil just emailed me to let me know that she will send the letter needed to talk to her SW. She really wants to try and get her child back. Should I be supportive and let the ball fall where it may or encourage her to just start over fresh and let this child stay in the only home it knows?

Like I said, she isn't some hard-nose criminal? Should she have to pay for her mistake for the rest of her life?

I feel like I am talking in circles now...

I just don't know what to do. I wish there were easy answers!

[Love_um_all]

she talks so rude to me...as if I have no business even calling.

You know, caseworkers talk to foster parents that way too. I am sorry they have been that way. Not all cws are that way, but I have seen a few. I think the work that they do is in so many ways negative, they get hard and mean, judgemental. Their job is all about judgment.

Howdy had a good idea. That is a non threatening way to introduce yourself to the family. Include a note or letter of your feelings on the situation and contact information, you could give it to the cw and she would pass it on...

That was a cute saying, it made me smile.

Don't give up. If you want to have contact with baby, try. That may be the only way that sil will ever see her baby again. The foster/adopt family will not be supportive of sil seeing or visiting the baby at least not for awhile. That would be hard on sil, baby, and foster family, they will not risk it. You maybe could get cards and letters from time to time with pictures of baby... Maybe if they are comfortable with you they will invite you to her birthday parties. Send gifts for her at Christmas, this shows adoptive family you care for her. If you don't try, you will never know if you could have a least done that for sil.

[2boyz1girl]

mpatrick,
I have to apoligize for being so blunt. I somehow missed the last page of posts before I jumped in. I'm so glad to see you are considering everybody in the situation. I don't know that I would recommend to your sil that she just move on, she needs to make that decision for herself, and not have anybody to blame in the future, either way. If she does want custody, and her rights haven't been terminated, about the best thing you can do right now is support her. I'm sure your sil is a good person inside, as is my daughter's bfather. But whether or not she made a mistake, or if it was handled inappropriately by the authorities, or even if she loves this baby with all her heart is not the issue. The fact of the matter is that she has been, and continues to be unavailable to this baby. That is what DHS has to look at. And the foster parents have been very available to her.

As far as maintaining contact. Honestly, I want nothing to do with the kinship family that stepped up, not just due to the fact that they stepped up. The fiancee of our daughter's bfather's cousin (is that followable?) was very rude to me and very insistant that our baby needed to be with bio-family. Now, assuming they had just wanted to know if she was doing okay, and wanted her to know that they love her, I would feel very differently about having contact with them. I like the idea of a scrapbook. I guess what I'm getting at is that, for us at least, the more concerned ABOUT the child they tend to be, rather than concerned about HAVING the child, the more willing I would be to let them be a part of her life. I think if you approach it as just wanting to let her know you care, most foster families would be okay with that. I agree that adoptive parents have a responsibility to their chilren to let them know where they came from, and you can help them along that road.

[MommaD]

I have to wonder if maybe the law in the state she is in won't allow her to have custody of the baby because she commited a sex crime against a child? I don't know how that works, but you might want to find out. Also, you need to find out if tpr has already happened. If it has I would suggest doing the photo album and trying to be friendly with the foster family. I would not object to my son's bio family having some sort of contact with him if they wanted it (and if they were safe people). In all honesty though if I were the foster family I wouldn't want to be too friendly with you right now. It makes me mad when the bio family practically ignores the child until the child has a chance at a permanent situation and THEN they decide they need to step in. I don't say that to be mean, just give you an idea of how the f-family MAY feel. But even so, I would still want them to have some sort of contact after the adoption was final.

If tpr hasn't occured and you really want this baby, knowing she may be with you until she's grown, then bug that social worker until she/he listens to you. If it were my niece and I wanted her with me then I would be at the cw's office daily, or at the very least on her/his voice mail daily (I would also be in regular contact with the supervisor). They don't think your serious, because you inquired and then dropped it. You will have to go through the same classes and process as non-related foster parents, but if your serious then get started. I've seen DHS bend over backwards and break rules to put kids with relatives. It can be done, you just have to make enough noise and prove you really want her.......assuming tpr hasn't occured. Also, if I were the foster parents I would feel a whole lot better, and would even be helpful to you if I knew you really wanted this baby and were willing to do what you had to do to get her.

You seem to really care about your neice, I'm sure you'll make the right decision for her. Good luck either way

[manon]

The more I read about attachment and the potential effect that changing primary caregivers in the 1st 2 years of life has on a child for the rest of the child's life, the less concerned I am about any of the adults' "rights" in question. I'm a lot more interested in what's best for the child.

The scrapbooking is a great idea even if you don't wind up having a continuing relationship with your niece, in case when she becomes an adult, she wants to find out about her birth family. You definitely can see on these boards that there are so many adult adoptees who do feel a huge hole in their past and inside themselves because they want to know more about where they came from. I bet if one of those adult adoptees found a loving aunt who had continued to care about them enough to keep up a photo album of family photos, thoughts, etc., for them their whole life, they'd really appreciate it and feel loved.

Even better would be if whoever turns out to have custody of your niece allows you to be an aunt with continuing contact. I know my own aunt has always meant so much to me when I was growing up. And after the dust settles, if it turns out that this foster family adopts your niece, with luck they'll come to realize that the more people who love your niece and have her best interests at heart that there are in the world, the better off your niece will be in the future.

Good luck to you and to your family.

[jeffery1988]

I'm reading alot of messages from adoptive parents and fosterparents. What about all the birthmoms out there. I can't believe no one has responded to this forum. I am a birthmom and mother of three. I would fight like hell to get my baby . Yes, she made a mistake, but does that mean that this child must be kept from her birthmom for like. Reality is there are no laws that will guarantee that you can keep contact with your niece. They can tell you anything they want and then up and move without any notice to you. I not saying that this happens all the time but if you visit the birthmom forums you will see how often it happens. Fosterparent are great people and have the best interest for the child but this mother has not signed rights over and ther is family who want to be part of this child's life that should be considered. NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE BUT THIS IS A SERIOUS MATTER AND TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. THANK YOU,AMY

[3girls1boy]

The birthfamily may think they are this child's rightful family, the foster family may think they are this child's rightful family, but what it really comes down to is who does this child think is its family? If the adults are hurt or grieving on either side I can live with that. The children however should be spared whatever grief possible. I think all the adults get caught up in their own feelings and forget about the children. Are their rights ever considered/
I sincerely hope this works out best for this baby. I also hope that there can be some sort of contact arrangement so that everyone gets to know the baby is happy and healthy.
Lisa

[mpatrick]

Thank you for all your replies!

All of you have given me so much to think about. I am not going to pretend that I am not scared to death about what to do here. All I do know for sure is that my sil wants her baby and that she never wanted to give up her baby in the first place. She realizes her mistake and besides her poor choice of getting involved with a minor, she has always tried to be a good mother...just like you and I. She doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink, she doesn't do drugs...she was just looking for love in all the wrong places.

My interest in adoption is mainly so that my sil doesn't lose all hope of never seeing her baby again...plain and simple. I am scared about adopting another child, I am scared about taking this baby from the only family it has ever known, I am scared of going to court...but I am more scared that if I don't try everything I can to stop this adoption that all hope will be lost.

Really all I want is time and it seems like time is not my friend. I would really like to meet the foster parents and evaluate the circumstances more.

My first step is to try and talk with the SW and just evaluate everything. I think at this point it is important to take the steps to adopt this baby. I feel that if I decide otherwise, at least I will be prepared either way.

Amy,

Thank you for your post! I need to hear from other bio-family too. I came to this board so I could hear different perspectives. As much as I feel for the foster parents, I still feel that an unjustice has been done in this particular case.

I will say, if the foster parents in this case are extraordinary that will play a big part in how I will proceed. The best interest of the child is very important to me.

My own children start school next week (can you believe that?...August 3rd) I will have more time to do search out my options.

[MommaD]

***My interest in adoption is mainly so that my sil doesn't lose all hope of never seeing her baby again...plain and simple. I am scared about adopting another child, I am scared about taking this baby from the only family it has ever known, I am scared of going to court...but I am more scared that if I don't try everything I can to stop this adoption that all hope will be lost.***

This little girl, if she can't be with her mom, should be adopted by people who want her because they want a child to love and cherish. Adopting her out of fear of losing her seems unfair to her. If you really want to parent her, then I think you should. I think kids should be with family if they can't be with their parents. Like someone else said, if she were my child or neice I would fight like hell to keep her (and I hope you do, but for the right reason). I've seen many family members say they want a child and then back out. It happens ALL the time. I've also seen bmoms talk about why they should have their kids, what they have done to get them back, etc when I KNOW they aren't doing the things asked of them (usually to get a house and a job and take a parenting class). I don't think your sil is telling you the whole truth. I think in order to really find out what's going on your going to have to go to that office and irritate the heck out of that social worker until she/he takes you seriously.

I've seen what moving from home to home can do to even the smallest babies. But it gets harder on them as they get older. The toddler years are tough enough, but when you lose the only home you've known and the only people you've known and your suddenly with strangers.....well there are usually consequenses for the child. That's why I urge you to make SURE you want this little girl because you love her and you truely want to parent her, and for no other reason.

I'm sorry your in the middle of this mess. And I'm sorry this baby is in the middle of this mess. The world of foster care isn't fair to anyone involved, but it seems the kids usually pay the biggest price

[spaypets]

Mpatrick asked if her SIL should be punished for the rest of her life for a "mistake."

Well her victim is going to have to pay for the rest of his life for her actions. She stole that boy's childhood. She isn't a girl. She's an adult. An adult who should have known better and protected a 15 year-old boy, not had sex with him.

I'm absolutely appalled that people are glossing over the fact that SIL had sex with a boy who was too young to give consent.

"she was just looking for love in all the wrong places" -- yeah, in the bed of a boy. This isn't some romance gone bad--this is a crime against a child (two, if you count the poor baby that has come out of this sorry mess).

Again, if this were a 15-year-old girl and a 26-year-old man, we'd be talking about her predatory behavior.

[MommaD]

Your absolutely right spaypets. I suspect that the reason she either lost or is losing custody of her daughter is because she commited a sex crime against a child. She has proven that her wants come before the welfare of a child, and I hope she can get the help she needs. The way I understand it she knew this boy was a minor when she slept with him, because they had his parents consent, which is sickening. That means she planned this crime All those things are what the judge is going to look at when deciding the best interest of this baby.

[mpatrick]

MommaD,

I can't say I honestly know this child to say one way or another how I feel about her...that is my fault, I am not going to pass blame.

I have been thinking about all of this day and night. Next time I talk to my sil, I am going to ask her how she feels about a possible "open" adoption. If this were the case, we could all come out happy. The foster parents would be able to adopt and mom and aunt would get to see the baby and be a part of her life. I don't know if my sil or the fparents would go for that, but that is an option I would consider. My sil is still young enough to start a family in better circumstances. It is so hard to look at her situation and compare it to mine. I didn't start having children until I was 29 and I am happily married and have a really loving and supportive husband.


spaypets,

I don't mean to be rude, but you make all of this seem so cut and dry. Do you ever watch Oprah? Do you know kids are having sex as early as 9 years old these days? I am not advocating my sil's actions, but I don't think she is the only one to blame. I think 15 years old is old enough for a young man to know right and wrong too. If he had murdered someone at the age of 15, he would very likely be tried as an adult.

My sil lived in the same apartment complex as this boy and his family. Where were his parents? Shouldn't his parents be held accountable on any level? I don't think they served any time for child neglect and they didn't have their son taken away.

Obviously, there are two sides to every story. What my sil did was not "legal", but I don't believe this 15 year old is a "victim" by any means. My sil and this boy had even talked about getting married. It wasn't like she forced herself upon him, it was a mutual decision between the two of them.

[3girls1boy]

Michelle,
I think you are honorable trying to help out your sister in law and niece. I am in situation similar to yours.

My sister and her husband have some addiction problems. They never hurt or abused my nephew, but it became more and more obvious they weren't able to parent him and try to remain sober. We took my nephew when he was a year because they refused to place him with strangers. This was not our ideal situation. We have 3 children and did not want more, all our kids were in school and this meant going back to diapers, and all of it. However we couldn't let our nephew remain in the situation he was in, so we agreed to take him. I will be blunt, this is a huge sacrifice for everyone in our family. We have had him a year and having a fourth child is always going to mean dividing our attention, money, and time between one more kid. We love him, but that doesn't mean its easy. We adopted our oldest child in an open adoption, a wonderful experience. Sometimes I think it would have been better for all of us if my son had been placed with a family that really wanted a child. He will grow up happy and healthy with us and fully our child, but that doesn't mean alternatives wouldn't have been just as good for him.

The other side is that when his birthparents are sober (every 60 to 90 days) they have fantasies of having him back. He is 2 years old and we have had him 15 months, over half of his life. We are his family in his eyes. We are his parents, moving him and disrupting this attachment would be nothing but cruel. We are lucky that the court and the rest of our families agree with us. Think about moving your niece from her family. People she loves. You and your sister in law are biological strangers to her. I agree open adoption is the best solution. I think moving her would be cruel to her, if she is secure and happy, doesn't that mean something?

Also I know you are saying that this was a consensual relationship between your SIL and this boy, but the fact of the matter is that he is not old enough to give consent. He can't vote, he can't drive, he can't smoke or drink, he must legally attend school- he has all these rules that designate him a child in the eyes of the law. Your SIL was old enough to know better. Her poor judgement is a very big issue. Truly switch genders, and think if your SIL was the 15 year old, and a 26 year old man made her pregnant. Would you think it was so consensual then? She is a sex offender, plain and simple.
I wonder how they courts would look at you as prospective adoptive parents if they knew you wanted to adopt to ensure her place in your niece's life.
I agree this is tragic for everyone. I agree you and your SIL have a right to be part of this baby's life. I think you really need to think what is the best thing for everyone, but especially that little girl.
Lisa

[SashaSue]

I think it is cut and dry...adults are the responsible ones and don't have sex with children! Period! Doesn't matter if the child is a teenager or a 9 year old...it's just wrong and adults are supposed to know better... Yes, every situation is different but I don't think there can be any reasonable argument that makes sex with a child the child's fault. As an adult, she should have walked away from the situation...

Hope your niece's situation turns out in her best interest not the interest of the adults involved...