[Crane13]

I posted this in the main adoption forum too, but that seems to be all about babies.

We have been working towards adopting a 14 y/o from the foster care system. We got to speak with him on the phone tonight, and I was so touched by his courage. We could tell that he was trying to answer our questions correctly and keep us interested. What a neat boy. He has seen so much in his short life and is still living and breathing to be part of a family. There is literally no permanent person in his life at this time, besides his dfs worker.

ANYWAY, I have read all posts ever written about teen adoptions and fosters. I know there are more out there that have adopted older children. I haven't seen any red flags... and I know that this will be a life changing experience for dh and I. But I still want all of the knowledge I can possibly get from the experts out there who have done this before.

We wanted to do visits at our home, but he is 150 miles away. So we will start meeting him and his dfsworker in a halfway city. I don't know how to make these akward visits "normal." We will be meeting him next week, and I am so nervous. I was nervous about speaking with him on the phone, but everything went so smooth. (I am so proud of him already. This is hard on me...but I can't even imagine how he is feeling.)

Ugh. Please help. Please advise. I'll take anything that can help us to make a smooth transition and do what is best for M. Every kid deserves that.

Thanks for listening.

Jill

[Gryph]

We haven't adopted any yet but we have done long term for teens for many years and taken guardianship of one.

There's lot of things we went through and finally settled into the most simple things. The question I always ask is "What do you want us to know about you?" He'll then ask the same. Then you can start asking what you want to know and what he wants to know that you haven't covered. You don't need to know everything all at once.

I would ask him similar things about rules. What rules has he had that are not necessary - things he would not do or do anyway. What rules are good, OK etc. Then what rules does he hate. Many of these guys come from places where the rules are inconsistent so make sure you communicate well to avoid the appearance of inconsistency. Explain the purpose of your rules. They usually reflect your family values. Rules are naturally relaxed as trust builds so stress that he is truthful, tell they whole story accurately. Accept mistakes and learn from them.

I like to meet at the end of every day and ask about how the day went and what tomorrow is going to be like. Some boys are huggers and some are not. Ask him.

[tybeemarie]

Congratulations on your match! How exciting! It sounds like you're going into this perfectly--with love and hope, and also with some research done and an interest in doing more research.

I am a research hound and I've been doing a LOT of reading while we await the placement of our 3 kids (hopefully within a month!), and I've found there are a number of helpful resources out there. I really like the book Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew. What's nice about that book is it is all advice compiled from parents who've been there. I also like Parenting the Hurt Child--I forget the author's name off hand. I am also very excited about the North American Council on Adoptable Children's conference that is going on the last weekend in July in Minneapolis. The main focus is on the adoption of children from foster care, and some of the workshops specifically address parenting teens.

I think it's a great sign that this young man is interested in being adopted, that he wants to have a relationship. You sound like a parent who is prepared to commit yourself and do the work to build a family with your son. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes!

[Gryph]

If you're into researching and reading and want to work with teenage boys, I highly recommend "Real Boys" by William Pollack. His sequel "Real Boys Voices" is OK, too.

[Crane13]

Here is my book list so far:

Real Boys, Pollack
Abused Boys, Hunter
Parenting your adopted older child, McCreight
Adopting the Hurt Child, Keck
The lost Children of Wilder, Bernstein
Orphans of the living, Toth
Keys to parenting an adopted child, Lancaster

My husband is workign on Real Boys right now and I have tackled Adopting the Hurt Child. So d\far, they have been very very helpful.

I appreciate all of the support and suggestions thus far. I was thinking about making a small photo album with pictures of our family, home and friends to give to M when we meet him next week. I also wanted to bring him some tshirts or something, as I know his clothing allowance probably doesn't do too much for him at this point. Any suggestions?

Thanks again. Jill

[DianeS]

"Parenting the Hurt Child" is authored by Keck and Kupecky. It's written sort of as an addendum to their "Adopting the Hurt Child" book that's already on your list. What other types of books would you be looking for? Just anything relating to older child adoption, attachment, potential issues?

The photo album idea is a good one, I've seen several adoptive parents do that with good results. You may want to include pictures of the neighborhood, neighbor's kids his age, school he would attend, room that'll be his that he can decorate, any church he might attend with you, etc - things he'll be naturally curious about.

In my opinion, wait on the T-shirts. You don't want to insult him if he really thinks his things are fine the way they are, and you don't want to create an expectation that you'll bring gifts all the time. A second visit would probably be fine for a clothing gift - you might have a better idea of what would be needed or the type of logo he'd like best. Might be worth it to ask what he has in his closet and if those are the kind of clothes he likes to wear. Since you have to meet in a city that's strange to both of you, perhaps your second visit could include a shopping trip to round out things he needs to have in his wardrobe. (But I'll make a sentimental exception to this - if you can get him an item that will help him keep thinking about his new town and new family, go for it. A t-shirt or hat with your town name on it, or something the town is known for, or a logo shirt from the local high school or nearby college town - anything like that might help his transition thinking instead of just being a material gift.)

I wish you luck, you've got to be so excited!

[DianeS]

Do add any book by Dave Pelzer to your reading list. He writes books about his experiences as an abused child, a foster child shuttled to several different homes, aging out of the system, and how he made something of his life in spite of it all - found people to love and support him, made mistakes and paid for them, etc.

GOOD books, I think there are four or five in print right now, and hang on to them in case the boy you're hoping to adopt might benefit from reading them himself.

[lostboys]

Congradulations ! We have 4 teen foster boys at this time. We always do weekend visits with them before they move in. I think the more weekends you can do, the easier the transition will be.

As sweet as they are, expect a lot of problems. Teenagers have a tough time in the best of circumstances. Most foster teens come in with thier own ideas of how the family is going to run.

We have found that we have to be very structured with the boys along with a lot of love and encouragement. They don't seem to be able to handle the freedom that other children their age may be able to handle. We try to keep them focused on school, sports, church and even jobs. Structure is so important, I just can't stress that enough.

One of my boys is 14. He is great. What a wonderful age to be getting your new son. I think the younger boys have a much easier time bonding.

Lostboys